Unique Situation - No Parents...Sorta

jdzane · June 2014

Hi,

I'm recently engaged and one of the biggest things stuck in my mind is how I'm going to word my invitations and/or programs or basically any time you're supposed to mention the bride & groom parents.

My mother passed away 3 years ago. I know she fully supported the relationship I have with my future husband. My father had a stroke shortly after my mom passed and is now disabled and will be in a nursing home for life. I don't think there is any way to have him at the wedding, and honestly, I don't want him there. While I know he has some brain damage from his stroke, I can't excuse his behaviors and actions since then. I haven't spoken to him in about 6 months, and he doesn't even know I'm engaged. In fact, no one from his side of the family will be there, because I really just hate them all (disliked them even before the fight about his care).

So how do I go about this? I'm planning on having my mom's mom (my grandma) fulfill the duties that my mom would have. One of my mom's brothers (my favorite Uncle) is going to give me away with her (Jewish wedding, parents usually give away child as a set). I'm assuming for the moment that my fiance's parents will be paying for the wedding.

How do I go about this? Do I just pretend my dad doesn't exist? No one from his family will be there to call me out on it, but I don't know what my future in-laws will think about that. Do I use my Grandma and Uncle instead? Do I let my boyfriend's name go first?

As my friend jokingly put it, I could say "The Right Half of Jacquie's Father" since that's the non-paralyzed side. But it's either crack jokes like that or cry about it. What do you guys think?

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Do you really need programs? Honestly, unless you are having a very detailed or confusing ceremony then a program is not necessary. If you don't have programs then you don't have to worry about who to list or not list.

As for the invitations you don't have to include any parent if you don't want to. You could simply start the invitation with "The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of..." Or if you are having your ceremony in a church "The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of..."

manateehugger · June 2014

Condolences on your loses.

So for wedding invitations, the only people who are usually listed are the couple and the hosts. It sounds like you and your FI will be hosting, so you don't have to list either parent. There's no requirement that the bride's parents be on the invitation unless they are hosting.

The pleasure of your company (or honor of your presence if you're having a church ceremony)
is requested at the marriage of

jdzane

and
jdzane's fiance

Date

Time
Location

You can list your parents in the program if you wish.

ETA: You could also skip the whole listing of the family thing in the program, just list the wedding party and order of ceremony. You can also put a brief memorial note at the end for you mother.

jdzane · June 2014

Maggie - I will need programs. It will be a Jewish wedding, but I'm a convert so my family will have no clue what is going on. I've read that programs would help alleviate that.

I was under the impression that the person paying for the wedding tends to listed first

"The people paying request your presence at the wedding of bride and groom"

PDKH - thank you for your condolences. FI = future in-laws? If not, then that's not correct. My future in-laws will be hosting (otherwise this becomes a city hall wedding with a party in the park after).

manateehugger · June 2014

Whoops. Sorry. FI = fiance/fiancee

If your future in-laws are hosting, they should be listed at the top.

Mr. and Mrs. Future-in-Laws

request the honor of your presence

at the marriage of
jdzane full name
to their son
groom's name

I think that's the formal/traditional wording for that one. You could also do, "Together with their families" or something similar.

Paying doesn't necessarily mean hosting. My father helped out with our wedding expenses, but trust me, he will not be up there greeting guests.

CMGragain · June 2014

IF you inlaws are hosting (not paying for) your wedding, then your invitation looks like this ;

Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Groomsparents
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of
Miss (Ms.) Brides Full Name
and their son
FI's First Middle
Day, date
time o'clock
Venue
Address
City, State

Reception to follow

If you and your FI are hosting your own wedding:

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
(etc.)

If you are being married in temple, you use "request the honour of your presence".

I believe it is perfectly proper for your uncle to take your father's place as family representative. The Rabbi will help you with these questions.
Mazeltov!

jdzane · June 2014

What is the difference between paying and hosting?

Jen4948 · June 2014

jdzane said:

What is the difference between paying and hosting?

"Hosting" for wedding invitation purposes involves issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, acting as the guests' contact for any wedding-related matters, greeting them at the wedding, and seeing that their needs are attended to. It is possible to do these things without contributing funding and vice versa.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

jdzane said:

Maggie - I will need programs. It will be a Jewish wedding, but I'm a convert so my family will have no clue what is going on. I've read that programs would help alleviate that.

I was under the impression that the person paying for the wedding tends to listed first

"The people paying request your presence at the wedding of bride and groom"

PDKH - thank you for your condolences. FI = future in-laws? If not, then that's not correct. My future in-laws will be hosting (otherwise this becomes a city hall wedding with a party in the park after).

Then I would go with PDKH's suggestion of just listing the wedding party and then the order of the ceremony. Or you don't even have to list the wedding party you could just list out the order of the ceremony. Just keep it simple.

KatWAG · June 2014

jdzane said:

Hi,

I'm recently engaged and one of the biggest things stuck in my mind is how I'm going to word my invitations and/or programs or basically any time you're supposed to mention the bride & groom parents.

My mother passed away 3 years ago. I know she fully supported the relationship I have with my future husband. My father had a stroke shortly after my mom passed and is now disabled and will be in a nursing home for life. I don't think there is any way to have him at the wedding, and honestly, I don't want him there. While I know he has some brain damage from his stroke, I can't excuse his behaviors and actions since then. I haven't spoken to him in about 6 months, and he doesn't even know I'm engaged. In fact, no one from his side of the family will be there, because I really just hate them all (disliked them even before the fight about his care).

So how do I go about this? I'm planning on having my mom's mom (my grandma) fulfill the duties that my mom would have. One of my mom's brothers (my favorite Uncle) is going to give me away with her (Jewish wedding, parents usually give away child as a set). I'm assuming for the moment that my fiance's parents will be paying for the wedding.

How do I go about this? Do I just pretend my dad doesn't exist? No one from his family will be there to call me out on it, but I don't know what my future in-laws will think about that. Do I use my Grandma and Uncle instead? Do I let my boyfriend's name go first?

As my friend jokingly put it, I could say "The Right Half of Jacquie's Father" since that's the non-paralyzed side. But it's either crack jokes like that or cry about it. What do you guys think?

That is a horrible joke. Have some tack.

And your boyfriend? Are you even engaged yet? I also think its pretty gutsy to assume his family will pay for the wedding.

kaos16 · June 2014

I was thinking exactly was @Katwag was. Why would you just assume that your boyfriend's family will pay for your wedding? You need to plan for the wedding that you and your fiance (when he becomes that) can afford. . . . maybe you'd be less stressed with city hall and a park anyway.

As for the awful joke about your father. . . . . I understand joking about painful situations. It's a coping mechanism that many people use, but what you have chosen to say isn't funny. . . . it's horrible!

Maggie0829 · June 2014

kaos16 said:

I was thinking exactly was @Katwag was. Why would you just assume that your boyfriend's family will pay for your wedding? You need to plan for the wedding that you and your fiance (when he becomes that) can afford. . . . maybe you'd be less stressed with city hall and a park anyway.
As for the awful joke about your father. . . . . I understand joking about painful situations. It's a coping mechanism that many people use, but what you have chosen to say isn't funny. . . . it's horrible!

Um, I seriously doubt that she was actually going to use the joke wording.

KatWAG · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

I was thinking exactly was @Katwag was. Why would you just assume that your boyfriend's family will pay for your wedding? You need to plan for the wedding that you and your fiance (when he becomes that) can afford. . . . maybe you'd be less stressed with city hall and a park anyway.
As for the awful joke about your father. . . . . I understand joking about painful situations. It's a coping mechanism that many people use, but what you have chosen to say isn't funny. . . . it's horrible!

Um, I seriously doubt that she was actually going to use the joke wording.

whether she was going to use the wording or not. It is still a horrible thing to say.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

KatWAG said:

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

I was thinking exactly was @Katwag was. Why would you just assume that your boyfriend's family will pay for your wedding? You need to plan for the wedding that you and your fiance (when he becomes that) can afford. . . . maybe you'd be less stressed with city hall and a park anyway.
As for the awful joke about your father. . . . . I understand joking about painful situations. It's a coping mechanism that many people use, but what you have chosen to say isn't funny. . . . it's horrible!

Um, I seriously doubt that she was actually going to use the joke wording.

whether she was going to use the wording or not. It is still a horrible thing to say.

Yes, but like kaos said, many people deal with hard times by making jokes and a lot of times those jokes aren't what one would call socially acceptable. Heck, a lot of comedians make their living off of politically incorrect or "horrible" jokes. In the end the only person that should be truly offended by the joke is the OP since it involves her Father and his recent health problems and it sounds like she is not offended at all so we all just need to get over it.

Now if she really was going to use that wording on something for her wedding then us being "oh my that is horrible don't say that" would be appropriate.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Maggie0829 said: KatWAG said: Maggie0829 said: kaos16 said: I was thinking exactly was @Katwag was. Why would you just assume that your boyfriend's family will pay for your wedding? You need to plan for the wedding that you and your fiance (when he becomes that) can afford. . . . maybe you'd be less stressed with city hall and a park anyway.As for the awful joke about your father. . . . . I understand joking about painful situations. It's a coping mechanism that many people use, but what you have chosen to say isn't funny. . . . it's horrible! Um, I seriously doubt that she was actually going to use the joke wording. whether she was going to use the wording or not. It is still a horrible thing to say. Yes, but like kaos said, many people deal with hard times by making jokes and a lot of times those jokes aren't what one would call socially acceptable. Heck, a lot of comedians make their living off of politically incorrect or "horrible" jokes. In the end the only person that should be truly offended by the joke is the OP since it involves her Father and his recent health problems and it sounds like she is not offended at all so we all just need to get over it.
Now if she really was going to use that wording on something for her wedding then us being "oh my that is horrible don't say that" would be appropriate. Yeah, it's not like she's saying it about someone else's father. It's cool if people want to disapprove, but do we really have to be the joke police and the grief police?

kaos16 · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

KatWAG said:

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

I was thinking exactly was @Katwag was. Why would you just assume that your boyfriend's family will pay for your wedding? You need to plan for the wedding that you and your fiance (when he becomes that) can afford. . . . maybe you'd be less stressed with city hall and a park anyway.
As for the awful joke about your father. . . . . I understand joking about painful situations. It's a coping mechanism that many people use, but what you have chosen to say isn't funny. . . . it's horrible!

Um, I seriously doubt that she was actually going to use the joke wording.

whether she was going to use the wording or not. It is still a horrible thing to say.

Yes, but like kaos said, many people deal with hard times by making jokes and a lot of times those jokes aren't what one would call socially acceptable. Heck, a lot of comedians make their living off of politically incorrect or "horrible" jokes. In the end the only person that should be truly offended by the joke is the OP since it involves her Father and his recent health problems and it sounds like she is not offended at all so we all just need to get over it.

Now if she really was going to use that wording on something for her wedding then us being "oh my that is horrible don't say that" would be appropriate.

I was offended by it, and I don't even know these people. I have a complex migraine disorder where my migraines present as a stroke. . . .Fortunately they are not permanent situations, and I am usually able to speak and move again normally within hours (although I had one that lasted 3 months). While I can't begin to try to understand what it's like living after a stroke, or having a family member who has. . . . I do feel like I have a small window. That's why I think I took it personally. Perhaps it's an overreaction on my part.

princessleia22 · June 2014

I agree with others that you shouldn't assume that fiancées parents are paying for anything. They may not and it's not their responsibility to pay for anything. It's not brides parents to pay for anything anymore either. It is very possible that you may have to pay for it yourselves. And you need to plan on paying for it yourself until you have money in hand (not just an offer, but actually have the money) that has been offered and provided by someone else. Now, back to your original question. The invites should list whoever is hosting (like others said, that doesn't just mean paying). Obviously, your parents won't be listed since they aren't hosting. If fiancées parents are hosting, it would be appropriate to list them. If you & fiancée are hosting, then you can just write "your presence is requested at...". Fiancee and I are hosting our own wedding, with financial contributions from both sets of parents, and that's what we did. My sister is in same situation and she used "together with their families...", which generically includes everyone without calling out specific names. I think that is a good way to include those that are contributing without people getting hurt by being left out of it. I think either one of those are the best options for you.

QueerFemme · June 2014

why not just use the "Together with their families" wording?

And you shouldn't assume anyone but you and your fiance will be paying. So start saving your money.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Just to echo PPs...

Paying doesn't equal hosting. You can use "together with their families" if there's no clear "host" or to prevent the appearance of jilting anyone (cuz people are weird). It's not intended to give insight into the funding of a wedding. My invitations read "Together with their families, Lolo and Lolo's FI invite you to share in their wedding ceremony and celebration."

Don't assume anyone is paying until money is in hand, and don't ask anyone to pay for anything if they haven't offered. Plan the wedding you can afford; if someone ends up offering money, consider it a bonus.

Nobody's name needs to be listed in the program. You can just list out the details of the religious ceremony and skip all the names, or just list the wedding party. Don't worry about any of the parents.

ETF missing word because wine.

Unique Situation - No Parents...Sorta

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