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Cousin Conundrum - Guest List

Knottie88855471Knottie88855471 newb
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi ladies,

I wanted to get your opinion on inviting cousins. DF and I are hoping to have a backyard wedding with a guest list under 100 people. We both like the idea of a smaller low key (and low cost!) wedding. I keep going back and forth as to whether I should invite my 12 cousins (17 people including SO), who I see about once a year. The problem is, I have one cousin, age 12, who I really connect with and would like to invite, along with her sister. I've read cousins are an all or none thing, but I'm wondering if I can get around this by including them as junior bridesmaids? Also, I should note that they are from out of town, so if I didn't invite them, they would have to stay at my parents' house alone while their parents attend. (I am inviting aunts and uncles). 

Should I deal with possible anger and just invite them and not my other cousins? Invite all my cousins (and double my portion of the guest list)? Or just not invite any cousins and have an intimate wedding?

Thanks in advance for your input! 
 
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Re: Cousin Conundrum - Guest List

  • thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    I think it's fine to only invite these cousins, as long as they don't have any other siblings. I have two cousins I've never met who I'm not inviting. Of my other seven cousins, two are in the WP and the other five were invited.
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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Knottie30338829 said:
    Hi ladies,

    I wanted to get your opinion on inviting cousins. DF and I are hoping to have a backyard wedding with a guest list under 100 people. We both like the idea of a smaller low key (and low cost!) wedding. I keep going back and forth as to whether I should invite my 12 cousins (17 people including SO), who I see about once a year. The problem is, I have one cousin, age 12, who I really connect with and would like to invite, along with her sister. I've read cousins are an all or none thing, but I'm wondering if I can get around this by including them as junior bridesmaids? Also, I should note that they are from out of town, so if I didn't invite them, they would have to stay at my parents' house alone while their parents attend. (I am inviting aunts and uncles). 

    Should I deal with possible anger and just invite them and not my other cousins? Invite all my cousins (and double my portion of the guest list)? Or just not invite any cousins and have an intimate wedding?

    Thanks in advance for your input! 
     


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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I have 10 cousins on dad's side.  Children of uncle #1 are like my brothers and are on my VIP list.  Uncle #2 has 3 kids.  Two will definitely be invited as we talk regularly, the third will likely be invited since the rest of his family is (even though inviting him adds 5 people to our guest list as he's married with 3 kids).  Aunt #1 will be invited with her husband, but I'm probably not inviting their 4 kids.  We never talk outside of family events, and even the conversations during family events are around the lines of, 'so what kind of beer do you like?  did you want me to help you get started on the fruit salad?  someone should grab cousin honeybadger before she makes a run for the neighbor's house.'  I think a completely valid line is 'Family members I speak to outside of family events.'  I'm willing to live with the potential fallout of Aunt getting pissed her kids aren't invited.  If you're willing to live with potential hurt feelings, go for it.
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  • Knottie88855471Knottie88855471 newb
    First Comment
    I don't talk to any of my cousins outside of family events. The only reason I'm close with the one set of cousins is they visit for about 1 week over Christmas and stay at my parents (where I also stay during the holidays). 

    I think some family members might feel a bit slighted...my parents are okay with whatever I decide. 
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  • Knottie88855471Knottie88855471 newb
    First Comment
    I think I could handle the fall out too.. I'm really not close with most of my aunts/uncles/cousins. I also think people would get that there is a space consideration that factored into our decision...
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    FI has about 15 cousins on his dad's side. After many long discussions, we're only inviting about half of them to our wedding. These are the cousins that are local, in his age group and the ones he grew up with. The others don't come to family get togethers or he only sees once a year. We're having a small wedding and want to keep it to the family we're actually close with. I still anticipate a little fall out (even though FI insists it's fine) but we'll see.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited June 2014
    I actually wouldn't put it past my aunt to RSVP for 7, herself and uncle, her four kids, and her one daughter's soon-to-be husband, even when only she and my uncle are invited, and even though all 4 of her children are adults and would receive their own invitations if they were invited.  The woman drives me BSC.  Aaaaand, she wouldn't even be invited herself if I stuck exclusively to the 'only people I speak to outside of family events'.
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  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    Similar conundrum but luckily the cousins I'm not inviting are all male (so they don't care), have very busy jobs on the other side of the country and aren't wedding crazy (so she won't care AND can't come), or I couldn't pick them out of a line up (so even if someone did care- seriously? I haven't seen you in 20 years). However I just ended up going to my mom and saying "cousins a and b are going to be hurt if I don't invite them aren't they? And cousins c and d are going to be hurt if I invite a and b and not them? But these other cousins won't care, will they?" And going from there. Know thy dynamic, and if you don't, ask mom, or grandma, and decide accordingly. Edit: I also ballooned our guest list by an additional 40% to accommodate people my mother felt would be hurt if not invited so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Wegl13 said:
    Similar conundrum but luckily the cousins I'm not inviting are all male (so they don't care), have very busy jobs on the other side of the country and aren't wedding crazy (so she won't care AND can't come), or I couldn't pick them out of a line up (so even if someone did care- seriously? I haven't seen you in 20 years). However I just ended up going to my mom and saying "cousins a and b are going to be hurt if I don't invite them aren't they? And cousins c and d are going to be hurt if I invite a and b and not them? But these other cousins won't care, will they?" And going from there. Know thy dynamic, and if you don't, ask mom, or grandma, and decide accordingly. Edit: I also ballooned our guest list by an additional 40% to accommodate people my mother felt would be hurt if not invited so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.
    I'm sure you know your family... but that generalization about men not caring just does not hold true (just as many other generalizations do not). My father was not invited to his cousin's wedding 20 years ago, and I know for a fact that it very much upset him. 
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  • twitterbirdtwitterbird member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its

    You don't have to invite all your cousins. I'm not inviting all of mine - just the ones I see most regularly and not just at funerals, weddings or random meetings at the supermarket. I'd just invite the ones you want to.

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  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Fair enough- I realized that after I typed it but couldn't go back for an edit when I thought of it. However these are the random event type cousins and to be honest, part of my measure is based on social media (ie- did you say anything when we got engaged?) which may be a poor measure in some cases but was a DEFINITE measure in the cousins I was going to invite (which I may not have otherwise).
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