Do I have to invite them to...

jnrsgirl · June 2014

I have three cousin ish things. Their dad married my aunt. But the are the rudest most devilish creatures known to man. I cannot stand them. Last time they came over for Thanksgiving the 14 year old decided to smear poop all over the bathroom because its funny. And the other two were sneaking their parents alcoholic beverages down to the kid room. They are rude, extremely disrespectful, and thoroughly unwelcome in my and FI's opinions. However I do like my three cousins that are my aunts actual kids. They behave and are very sweet. I had been babysitting them since they were born.

I want the good kids to come, but I would rather not have to invite the demons as well. And if I say none of them are invited it would be a problem since other kids (who are well behaved and have manners on FI's side of the family) are invited.

I'm torn between just straight up telling my aunt that the three terrors are not welcome because they are just that or just sucking it up. I just do not want to have to be corralling rowdy pain in the butt kids / young adults and having to keep an eye on them to make sure no child is sneaking liquor or destroying the venue.

Decisions... decisions...

What would you ladies do?

emmaaa · June 2014

I think you need to invite them if you are inviting other cousins. They may feel like your are purposefully excluding them from your family if you don't.

afox007 · June 2014

How old are the step cousins in relationship to your bio cousins? Also do all of the them step/bio live with your aunt? I got lucky that all my uncle's kids will be over 18 by the wedding so I am inviting his daughters and not his step daughter (the bitchy 16 year old I was talking about in the guest fails thread).

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

I think the only way you can get away with inviting some and not the others is if only the good kids live with your aunt, and the demons are only there occasionally. Even then though you may get a phone call saying "we'll have the demons that weekend; we can bring them too, right?" and you'll really have to say yes.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Yikes, this sucks. I guess you could always not invite ANY of the kids from this particular family, but it would look pretty weird if you invite other nieces/nephews. And by "look weird" I mean, that would be a breach of etiquette.

But that's not to say I don't sympathize! Poop smearing? At FOURTEEN?! I can't. I would take that little shit by the ear, hand him a mop and rags and tell him to get cleaning. He can eat when he's done. He can get his phone back when he's done. He can never, under any circumstance, EVER step foot in my home again once he has cleaned and gotten the hell out of my sight. And Auntie's DH would be getting nothing but side-eye.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

KatieinBkln said:

Yikes, this sucks. I guess you could always not invite ANY of the kids from this particular family, but it would look pretty weird if you invite other nieces/nephews. And by "look weird" I mean, that would be a breach of etiquette.

But that's not to say I don't sympathize! Poop smearing? At FOURTEEN?! I can't. I would take that little shit by the ear, hand him a mop and rags and tell him to get cleaning. He can eat when he's done. He can get his phone back when he's done. He can never, under any circumstance, EVER step foot in my home again once he has cleaned and gotten the hell out of my sight. And Auntie's DH would be getting nothing but side-eye.

I think my parents, who never really spanked us, would have flayed us within an inch of our life if we did that.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

KatieinBkln said:

Yikes, this sucks. I guess you could always not invite ANY of the kids from this particular family, but it would look pretty weird if you invite other nieces/nephews. And by "look weird" I mean, that would be a breach of etiquette.

But that's not to say I don't sympathize! Poop smearing? At FOURTEEN?! I can't. I would take that little shit by the ear, hand him a mop and rags and tell him to get cleaning. He can eat when he's done. He can get his phone back when he's done. He can never, under any circumstance, EVER step foot in my home again once he has cleaned and gotten the hell out of my sight. And Auntie's DH would be getting nothing but side-eye.

I think my parents, who never really spanked us, would have flayed us within an inch of our life if we did that.

Right?

I mean, it honestly sounds to me like this kid has some serious problems, which is...sad, for him. And for his family. But it sucks that he's probably going to have to be OP's problem too, at least as far as wedding invites go.

But seriously, OP...do not invite this kid into your home again. His "being in your home" privileges must be REVOKED! As HisGirlFriday is so fond of (correctly) saying, actions have consequences. (Although personally if someone smeared shit in my house I would consider it Forever Unclean and force the kid to work extra shifts at the McDonald's or whatever until he could afford to buy me a new house. Or at least a very extensive renovation involving entirely new walls. UGH!)

sarawifenow · June 2014

Knottie44294618 said:

I have three cousin ish things. Their dad married my aunt. But the are the rudest most devilish creatures known to man. I cannot stand them. Last time they came over for Thanksgiving the 14 year old decided to smear poop all over the bathroom because its funny. And the other two were sneaking their parents alcoholic beverages down to the kid room. They are rude, extremely disrespectful, and thoroughly unwelcome in my and FI's opinions. However I do like my three cousins that are my aunts actual kids. They behave and are very sweet. I had been babysitting them since they were born. I want the good kids to come, but I would rather not have to invite the demons as well. And if I say none of them are invited it would be a problem since other kids (who are well behaved and have manners on FI's side of the family) are invited. I'm torn between just straight up telling my aunt that the three terrors are not welcome because they are just that or just sucking it up. I just do not want to have to be corralling rowdy pain in the butt kids / young adults and having to keep an eye on them to make sure no child is sneaking liquor or destroying the venue. Decisions... decisions... What would you ladies do?

What the actual fuck? Really? I would have lost it on this child. Screw that.

HaileyDancingbear · June 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

Knottie44294618 said:

I have three cousin ish things. Their dad married my aunt. But the are the rudest most devilish creatures known to man. I cannot stand them. Last time they came over for Thanksgiving the 14 year old decided to smear poop all over the bathroom because its funny. And the other two were sneaking their parents alcoholic beverages down to the kid room. They are rude, extremely disrespectful, and thoroughly unwelcome in my and FI's opinions. However I do like my three cousins that are my aunts actual kids. They behave and are very sweet. I had been babysitting them since they were born. I want the good kids to come, but I would rather not have to invite the demons as well. And if I say none of them are invited it would be a problem since other kids (who are well behaved and have manners on FI's side of the family) are invited. I'm torn between just straight up telling my aunt that the three terrors are not welcome because they are just that or just sucking it up. I just do not want to have to be corralling rowdy pain in the butt kids / young adults and having to keep an eye on them to make sure no child is sneaking liquor or destroying the venue. Decisions... decisions... What would you ladies do?

What the actual fuck? Really? I would have lost it on this child. Screw that.

I feel like not inviting these kids is a breach of etiquette, but showing up to someone's house and allowing your kid to smear poop on the walls, and get away with underage drinking (Someone could have gotten into SERIOUS legal trouble for that shit) is worse.

You know what, you raise a kid that smears poop on walls and steals alcohol, they don't get invited to weddings where there will be alcohol and lots of pretty stuff you don't want poop smeared on. Tough shit.

jnrsgirl · June 2014

I will probably just have to invite them and deal. I just shudder at the idea of possibly having to corral the monsters. The oldest is 17 and the other two are 13 and 14. So they certainly should know how behave.

Edited for grammar issues

NYCMercedes · June 2014

Do the parents know one smeared poop?

jnrsgirl · June 2014

Yeah. Parents are super non-involved. The kids get into the parents liquor at home and are equally ill behaved so that is just a normal day for them. My aunt even has a separate kids only bathroom brcause the boys find it amusing to leave their excrement in places other than the toilet. Its super gross. So if the kids come I lnow that either I or someone else will have to monitor their behavior and keep them quiet. :-(

lc07 · June 2014

If you invite them, let the catering staff know that you are concerned about them sneaking drinks. Ask that they be asked to leave should that happen.

And cross your fingers that they took a shit in the morning and don't have to at the wedding.

Seriously, that's gross. I'd be willing to have WWIII with my family and not invite them, personally. But I can't think of a single family member that I have that would let that shit fly. Pun intended.

sarahufl · June 2014

The poop smearing is just......beyond me right now, so I am not even going to touch that one.

The underage drinking thing is another story. That needs to be managed. I would actually tell the bartenders and their mother that they will be excused from the event if they are drinking. Not only is it just gross behavior, it is also illegal and carries consequences. There is no way I would let some punk teenagers get me into legal trouble on my wedding day.

I am one of the few (and judge if you want) who actually split up my cousins on my invite list. Aunt and uncle were invited, 1 brother out of the 5 boys was invited. I don't want the other four within 100 miles of my wedding. They are vile, they cannot behave, and at least 2 of them have been guilty of sexual abuse of underage children. My cousin's wife literally BEAT UP MY AUNT in front of her 10 year old daughter. Granted, they are significantly older - the youngest is 32 and the oldest is about 43 - and they all live on their own. When my mother told me I had to invite all 5 of them, I put my foot down. The one I did invite is fine- he behaves and he is a contributing member of my family, but his brothers are terrible.

Again, actions have consequences.

smalfrie19 · June 2014

I don't know. I am also a fan of the actions have consequenses and the "you have to protect your guests" thing. Sooo, that being said, I would invite your cousins and if aunt asks if hellions can come, I would say "Sorry, but I can't risk underage drinking at my event" and tell her no.

ohannabelle · June 2014

In normal circumstances, I would say if you invite one group of nieces/nephews, you must invite the other, but these are not normal circumstances. Because poop.

No, I absolutely would not invite them. They don't know how to behave in public. You are perfectly justified in excluding them.

(I can't even comprehend the poop thing. Those kids need help, and their parents need a sharp kick in the ass. Holy mother on a pogo stick. It's just too heinous.)

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I wouldn't invite them. One, they obviously do not know how to behave, and two they already once snuck alcohol and if they do it at the wedding there can be serious consequences. I would simply explain if it came up that you cannot risk that behavior. I'm sorry you're stressing about this but I say do not invite them, you have every right not to.

OliveOilsMom · June 2014

smalfrie19 said:

I don't know. I am also a fan of the actions have consequenses and the "you have to protect your guests" thing. Sooo, that being said, I would invite your cousins and if aunt asks if hellions can come, I would say "Sorry, but I can't risk underage drinking at my event" and tell her no.

This, but I think you should add "and poop smearing" after underage drinking.

I would NEVER host a family meal again if I knew these kids would be invited. And since there is a kids bathroom at their house, what in God's name does it look like?????

littlestmonkey · June 2014

If etiquette is about ensuring guests comfort, not inviting the poop-smearing cousins should absolutely trump not splitting up families in my opinion. Invite your aunts children as they shouldn't be punished for their step-siblings awful behaviour but not the others. If they can't behave they don't get to go places. There is no way these children (young adults really) would be invited to our wedding because: 1) they could clearly upset our other guests and I would worry 2) under-age drinking could get us as hosts in serious trouble 3) any damage/clean-up required in the bathrooms would also presumably be charged to me If asked why they didn't get an invite I would tell the truth too. Although, it sounds like your aunt knows but can't really do much if her husband isn't willing to step up with his own kids

littlestmonkey · June 2014

Edited and I still don't have paragraphs

Inkdancer · June 2014

That is appalling. I think this falls into the "guest safety" category-- that kind of behavior is disgusting and dangerous, and nothing on this earth could compel me to invite anyone who behaved in this way.

If anyone in the family gets offended, simply explain their past behavior and that should either get them to agree with you, or show you which family members you don't want to hang out with anymore.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I have officially been swayed--go ahead and don't invite them, and as PPs have said, if your Aunt (or step-Uncle) asks why, feel free to tell them exactly why. You don't need a fine (or worse) for underage drinking, and you definitely don't need to pay any clean-up fees for these kids' behavior. I might also add a strong suggestion of therapy or, ya know, military school, but that's just me.

OnceUponAVine · June 2014

Breach of etiquette or not here is no way in hell I would invite them if a FOURTEEN year old smeared poop in my bathroom because it was "funny". And if questioned I'd be blunt about the exact reason why they are not invited. I know that doesn't work with everyone's family but in mine that would absolutely be a reason to exclude people regardless of etiquette.

emmaaa · June 2014

I was in the "you need to invite them to not separate family" camp, but now...no. Others are right, they will be putting your guest comfort (and sanitation) in danger. Don't invite them.

sarahufl · June 2014

I have a question for OP. Does your aunt acknowledge their behavior? Will she be BLOWN AWAY if they aren't invited? I feel like parents have to know their kids do shit like this and they should be punished accordingly. If I thought my kids would act like that in public, I wouldn't bring them even if they were invited.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I'm going to go completely against the grain and say just invite your nice cousins - not the step cousins OR the aunt or the uncle. Aunt and Uncle are part of the problem, and I would not condone the way they allow their children to behave by including them in family events. But I am a strict mean bitch (so I've been told).

Likely the ones you like wouldn't be able to come if you didn't invite the parents, so I say invite Aunt, uncle, and angles and don't invite the demons. Do an RSVP card that lists the names of the invitees so it is clear who is invited:
Aunt ___ is ____ is not attending
Uncle ____ is ____ is not attending
Angel 1 ____ is ____ is not attending
Angel 2 ____ is ____ is not attending
Angel 3 ____ is ____ is not attending

That way they can't say "oh well we thought it was for everyone". I might even skip the "Aunt & Uncle & Family" on the outer envelope and do
Aunt & Uncle
Angel 1, Angel 2, Angel 3
Address
Just to make sure you ram home who is in fact invited.

And if she calls and asks if the demons are invited, I am absolutely in the camp of you telling her no and telling her exactly why. Not only is their fascination with excrement incredibly unhygienic and unsanitary, the cleaning fees you would incur would be large. Not to mention the possibility of a fine, or arrest, if you are considered to have provided an underage person with alcohol. She should absolutely be told why they aren't invited if she asks. My guess is she won't though - she'll probably get the invite and know why. If it causes tension with her and her hubby... well, maybe he should teach his TEENAGERS to fucking act like teenagers.

If she sends the RSVP back with the demons included, you need to call her IMMEDIATELY and say "I'm sorry, but invite was only for you, uncle, and angels 1 2 and 3. We cannot accomdate demons 1 2 and 3 because of X, Y, alcohol, and POOP. We hope you can still attend, but if you can't, you will be missed"

I have 3 future step daughters who are 4 and 7 (twins at 7). If ANY of them, at these ages, behaved in this manner I would be MORTIFIED and they would be in SOOOOOO much trouble. If FH did nothing to correct it, they would no longer be allowed in my home. That your Aunt puts up with this is awful to me. I don't care if they are his kids - it's my home. Teach your children how to behave or you need to spend your time with them outside of my house.

jnrsgirl · June 2014

@sarahufl their behaviour is mostly ignored or the kids will just get sent to a different room if the don't behave. They have their own basement at home. Its really gross. Like sticky yellow bathroom floors and and a stench of sweat and poop everywhere. Bleh!

I'm kind of hoping that the kids will be at their mom's that weekend so not inviting the demons wouldn't be a big deal.

I'm a huge stickler for being well mannered / behaved, and these kids drive me nuts. We are already doing a very tiny guestlist so having to include the demons would mean not being able to invite 3 guests who we actually love and want to be there to celebrate with us.

ohannabelle · June 2014

This is really deeply disturbing. I know this isn't what the thread is about, but children who are so angry or disturbed that they smear their own or other homes with feces have some very deep, dark issues. Children sleeping in a stinking, shit scented, unsanitary basement is the kind of thing you read about in the papers, when CPS removes them from their home. I'm sorry, but what kind of parents let their children live like that? Or see this behavior, and don't find help for their kids?

I hope you recognize that this is beyond ordinary rude behavior, and this family has some serious issues.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

ohannabelle said: This is really deeply disturbing. I know this isn't what the thread is about, but children who are so angry or disturbed that they smear their own or other homes with feces have some very deep, dark issues. Children sleeping in a stinking, shit scented, unsanitary basement is the kind of thing you read about in the papers, when CPS removes them from their home. I'm sorry, but what kind of parents let their children live like that? Or see this behavior, and don't find help for their kids? I hope you recognize that this is beyond ordinary rude behavior, and this family has some serious issues.

This is true. Obviously this is the wedding board and most of the answers (including my own) have addressed that fact, but yeah...there's a lot of darkness here. I can see it being both ways--the parents have tried but aren't equipped to handle children with severe psychological issues and threw their hands up, leaving the kids "their basement" to trash as they please; OR it could be perceived as full-on neglect (most likely by the state, if not by family and friends). Either way, the buck stops with the parents, legally. It sounds like they need help, so if being "uninvited" or shamed by their niece regarding her wedding is the wake-up call they need, maybe this is for the best. They may even break down when you explain why the demons can't come, which would be a good opportunity to show some kindness, but also point them in the direction of a good child psychiatrist. Which all the kids should see, probably--this cannot be easy on the Angels, either, by the way.

ETA paragraphs

HaileyDancingbear · June 2014

Knottie44294618 said:

@sarahufl their behaviour is mostly ignored or the kids will just get sent to a different room if the don't behave. They have their own basement at home. Its really gross. Like sticky yellow bathroom floors and and a stench of sweat and poop everywhere. Bleh! I'm kind of hoping that the kids will be at their mom's that weekend so not inviting the demons wouldn't be a big deal. I'm a huge stickler for being well mannered / behaved, and these kids drive me nuts. We are already doing a very tiny guestlist so having to include the demons would mean not being able to invite 3 guests who we actually love and want to be there to celebrate with us.

Please do not waste any space or money on those jerks. Seriously, if your aunt asks why they're not invited, "They smeared poop on the walls and I am not willing to deal with the legal repercussions of them stealing alcohol at an event I host" is a pretty solid reason.

Not to mention, do you honestly think they will get through the day without breaking or ruining anything? Anything at your venue gets destroyed by your guests, you'll probably end up with the bill. Shit smeared carpet means a pretty high cleaning bill.

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