How do I handle this awkward situation? NWR

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

My hub's ex-stepfather (yeah, modern families are complicated), is currently being tried for two 10+year old child sex abuse cases. It's completely vile and disgusting, and while he hasn't been convicted yet, there is so much evidence that it's in the bag unless his family pays for Woody Allen's lawyer. This all came to light 2 weeks before my wedding, so I uninvited him. I didn't want him anywhere in my sight. It didn't technically matter since he ended up in police custody that day anyway, but his extended family (who sent me gifts etc) abstained from the wedding in solidarity with him, and I've heard they are now making noises that they want me to return my gifts for being "spiteful" and banning him. He sent me gifts before this all came to light so I of course already opened them and sent thank-you notes. I asked DH if I should return them to him on principle, but he thinks that it's unnecessary and while he's a horrible guy, we shouldn't add insult to injury. Should I send back the relative's gifts even if they are already opened? I didn't know about this until it was really too late. Should I return a gift if someone asks me to? Most of the things are kitchen implements that have already been used, but I have their addresses and they all live in town and I could be weird and drop them off on their various porches like the mega creeper I am.

I am so done with this family... so glad that my MIL is at least no longer married to him. I speculate that she suspected something and that had something to do with the divorce. Their kids are 13 and 16, so DH and I have been spending lots of time with them to keep things normal. The 16 year old knows sortof what's up but the 13 year old has no idea. I'm not going to be the bad guy to tell her what her dad did... I wouldn't have the heart. It tears me up when I look at her and think about her finding out eventually. I guess this is less of a question and more of a rant. I can't really talk about this shit with anyone... DH and I are talking about seeing a therapist together just to be able to talk about it with someone other than each other.

banana468 · June 2014

It's up to you. Frankly, I would have no intention of spending a dime of my money to return gifts to people that wanted to support a child abuser.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

"You've heard they're making noises" regarding wanting the gifts back. Well, fuck them. They gave those gifts of their own free will with no strings attached. If one comes right out and asks you directly for their gift back, you can just give them the old used and dirty can opener. Until then, enjoy.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

1) Please go see a therapist together. It will be really good for you both

2) Hell no do not return those gifts. Apart from the fact that telling anyone you think you should get a gift back is HELLA RUDE, if they cannot understand why you uninvited someone accused of sexually abusing children to your wedding, then the gifts they gave to you are the price they pay for being assholes. I understand the whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing, but when it comes to the safety of children, you don't fuck around. If someone was accused to the point of arrest, I would have done the same thing. If it came out later it was a false accusation and he was found not guilty, I'd be apologetic, and say "I'm so sorry, but with the amount of children present, I simply couldn't take the chance. I am glad you didn't do the terrible things, and I hope you understand why I took the action I did."

I get family solidarity, but if I found out someone in my family abused children, the police wouldn't get their chance with him. Nor would they ever find the body. These people sound awful, quite frankly. No offense. But if you'd prefer to be well shot of them, it sounds like keeping the gifts might piss them off enough not to come round any more. So that's yet another reason to keep them.

ETF paragraphs

wrigleyville · June 2014

I would not return the gifts.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Seeing a therapist is a good idea, for the reason you mentioned (a neutral third party who is there to listen to you).

Mkincaid2014 · June 2014

It was their choice to send you gifts and their choice to miss your wedding to show "solidarity" with a despicable person. If you didn't uninvite them from your wedding, then you owe them nothing. It's a little more of a gray area if the stepfather sent you gifts. But if he's going to prison, it's not like he'll be able to take back the garlic press or whatever he gave you.

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

Thanks guys! I feel better doing zip about these gifts! I'm going to keep them and they can just suck it up. I call it the asshole tax.

ashley8918 · June 2014

I agree with PPs. No matter the situation, they gave you gifts. You don't get to demand a gift back, ever.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, though.

phira · June 2014

DEFINITELY keep the gift. Asshole tax is right.

1026pumpkin · June 2014

I think if you follow true etiquette rules, the only time wedding gifts need to be returned is if the wedding is cancelled. You are never supposed to ask for a gift back once given. From an etiquette standpoint, I think you are totally in the clear to not return the gifts of the "people making noise." I might consider sending back the child abuser's gift, but from a practical standpoint, it doesn't seem feasible if he's in police custody and I doubt he is even thinking about it.

If anyone were ballsy enough to ask for a gift back, I'd return it (and in probably the most passive aggressive manner I could think of), and then permanently write that person off. Anyone who would support a sex offender/child abuser is not someone I need to have in my life.

ejpentecost · June 2014

Do not return the gifts. Lose contact with those people. Ugh.

indianaalum · June 2014

Keep them. You hate those people anyway, so who cares what they think!

lc07 · June 2014

I believe in innocence until proven guilty. However, I don't judge you for disinviting him. I would not return any gifts. If someone asked ME for a gift back (read: not that I heard through the grapevine that they wanted me to return it) I would give it to them (used - I would NOT buy a new version of the used item to give back to them) and move on with my life.

alpacalunch · June 2014

1) I'm so sorry you're going through all this 2) Fuck 'em. Enjoy your gifts, they can suck it.

smalfrie19 · June 2014

1026pumpkin said:

I think if you follow true etiquette rules, the only time wedding gifts need to be returned is if the wedding is cancelled. You are never supposed to ask for a gift back once given. From an etiquette standpoint, I think you are totally in the clear to not return the gifts of the "people making noise." I might consider sending back the child abuser's gift, but from a practical standpoint, it doesn't seem feasible if he's in police custody and I doubt he is even thinking about it.

If anyone were ballsy enough to ask for a gift back, I'd return it (and in probably the most passive aggressive manner I could think of), and then permanently write that person off. Anyone who would support a sex offender/child abuser is not someone I need to have in my life.

Like throwing it at their face!

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

lc07 said:

I believe in innocence until proven guilty. However, I don't judge you for disinviting him. I would not return any gifts. If someone asked ME for a gift back (read: not that I heard through the grapevine that they wanted me to return it) I would give it to them (used - I would NOT buy a new version of the used item to give back to them) and move on with my life.

I usually believe in innocence until proven guilty but a computer full of kiddie porn, a manila folder (really? really? a manila folder?) full of pictures he surreptitiously took of his female students as well as printed screenshots of kiddie porn, and two alleged victims (both adults now) are enough evidence for the court of my opinion. Yeah... this guy has been an art teacher in middle-high schools for almost 30 years now. *shudder*

ladyamanuet · June 2014

mrshutzler said:

lc07 said:

I believe in innocence until proven guilty. However, I don't judge you for disinviting him. I would not return any gifts. If someone asked ME for a gift back (read: not that I heard through the grapevine that they wanted me to return it) I would give it to them (used - I would NOT buy a new version of the used item to give back to them) and move on with my life.

I usually believe in innocence until proven guilty but a computer full of kiddie porn, a manila folder (really? really? a manila folder?) full of pictures he surreptitiously took of his female students as well as printed screenshots of kiddie porn, and two alleged victims (both adults now) are enough evidence for the court of my opinion. Yeah... this guy has been an art teacher in middle-high schools for almost 30 years now. *shudder*

GAAAAH! SIB

Holy fuck, you ABSOLUTELY made the right choice. There is no chance his daughters were abused, is there?

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

ladyamanuet said:

mrshutzler said:

lc07 said:

I believe in innocence until proven guilty. However, I don't judge you for disinviting him. I would not return any gifts. If someone asked ME for a gift back (read: not that I heard through the grapevine that they wanted me to return it) I would give it to them (used - I would NOT buy a new version of the used item to give back to them) and move on with my life.

I usually believe in innocence until proven guilty but a computer full of kiddie porn, a manila folder (really? really? a manila folder?) full of pictures he surreptitiously took of his female students as well as printed screenshots of kiddie porn, and two alleged victims (both adults now) are enough evidence for the court of my opinion. Yeah... this guy has been an art teacher in middle-high schools for almost 30 years now. *shudder*

GAAAAH! SIB

Holy fuck, you ABSOLUTELY made the right choice. There is no chance his daughters were abused, is there?

I've been hanging out with his daughter (DH's half-sister) who is 13 years old on the reg (she's a great kid), and she shows no signs of trauma. She is very bright, spunky, and hilarious. Either she's amazing at hiding abuse (which I doubt) or the d-bag extraordinaire draws the line at his own offspring (which is probable). His two (alleged, whatever) victims, however, are his nieces, so he doesn't draw the line far. *sputter* *twitch* *rageface*

climbingsingle · June 2014

Seriously, fuck these people. I wouldn't at all feel bad about keeping the gifts.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

Holy shit, the alleged victims are FAMILY and the family is mad you didn't invite him?!?!?!?! WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE?!?!?!

Jen4948 · June 2014

Yeah, keep the gifts.

alpacalunch · June 2014

ladyamanuet said:

Holy shit, the alleged victims are FAMILY and the family is mad you didn't invite him?!?!?!?! WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE?!?!?!

SO MUCH THIS.

You did the right thing. You are very much doing the right thing. This is vile.

How do I handle this awkward situation? NWR

Re: How do I handle this awkward situation? NWR

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