Sceptical of friends' sudden engagement.

panther03 · June 2014

Just needing a little bit of advice. I have two friends both whom I have known separately for years (let's call them J and M). They started dating after being invited to a few of my group functions. They kept their relationship a secret for a few weeks, and a month later I learn they are engaged. I am the only person they told they are engaged, M has a ring but isn't wearing it.

I am worried for the following reasons:

-Three months into their relationship the moved in together. J was living in the out skirts of town, and M was living with family in a tiny closet size room.

-M has only been in two relationships. One with a guy whom she has known her whole life but moved away from and has told me (many times) is the love of her life. The another a guy she was with for 4 years who mistreated her.

-J jumps from relationship to relationship and drops things and uproots his life if an opportunity presents it's self. -Both are pretty spontaneous people and both are on the rebound.

-J has told me (a few times in the past) he doesn't want to get married or have kids and M recently told me they've already picked a wedding date and all their kids names.

-Both are ignoring friends requests to "hang out" and are only spending time with each other.

I do hope it works for them as they are both the happiest I've seen in a long time, but I am worried that they will both get seriously hurt if it falls apart (which not to be a debbie downer, but is more likely than not.)

How do I support them when I'm not agreeing with how they've been rushing into things?

kns1988 · June 2014

Sounds like you're way too invested in other people's lives. Say congrats and go to the wedding if you're invited. That's how you support them.

alpacalunch · June 2014

Just continue being a friend. If they're both happy, then power to them. You don't have the right to judge their relationship, so don't. Be supportive and happy for them, and if you can't, then distance yourself. But don't rain on their parade. ETA: My parents were only dating for about two weeks before shacking up. 41 years later they're still going strong.

CMGragain · June 2014

You don't get to judge other people's relationships. My DH and I knew each other for years, but we were only together for four days before deciding to marry. We have been happily married for 38 years.
Wish your friends the best, and keep your doubts to yourself.

panther03 · June 2014

Ouch! Maybe Sceptical was the wrong word to use.

I'm not trying to judge them, I love them both and AM happy for them. Maybe I didn't make clear that I am just worried about them and don't want them to get hurt.

Maybe you all are jumping to conclusions and didn't fully read my post?

For the record my parents were engaged after 4 months and are still together after 34 years.

lilacck28 · June 2014

panther03 said:

Just needing a little bit of advice. I have two friends both whom I have known separately for years (let's call them J and M). They started dating after being invited to a few of my group functions. They kept their relationship a secret for a few weeks, and a month later I learn they are engaged. I am the only person they told they are engaged, M has a ring but isn't wearing it.
I am worried for the following reasons:
-Three months into their relationship the moved in together. J was living in the out skirts of town, and M was living with family in a tiny closet size room.
-M has only been in two relationships. One with a guy whom she has known her whole life but moved away from and has told me (many times) is the love of her life. The another a guy she was with for 4 years who mistreated her.
-J jumps from relationship to relationship and drops things and uproots his life if an opportunity presents it's self. -Both are pretty spontaneous people and both are on the rebound.
-J has told me (a few times in the past) he doesn't want to get married or have kids and M recently told me they've already picked a wedding date and all their kids names.
-Both are ignoring friends requests to "hang out" and are only spending time with each other.
I do hope it works for them as they are both the happiest I've seen in a long time, but I am worried that they will both get seriously hurt if it falls apart (which not to be a debbie downer, but is more likely than not.)
How do I support them when I'm not agreeing with how they've been rushing into things?

I've only ever dated Fiance. For serious. There were certainly some frogs that could have turned into things, but I just could never make myself date them or go after guys I was only mildly interested in just to say that I had dated. And despite my lack of relationship history, Fiance and I have a very solid relationship. (Obviously, or else we wouldn't be getting married.)

My dad only ever dated my mom. My mom went on a few dates with gross guys, and only had one other relationship besides my dad. They've been married for 29 years.

I do get your point, and understand your worry. I have a friend who jumps from relationship to relationship and I worry about her. But all you can do is be there for them, congratulate them, and listen to them if they need an ear.

panther03 · June 2014

Thank you, lilacck28 for a proper reply!

Maybe I didn't lay out my initial post correctly..

My cousin married a girl who was he 1st serious relationship. They've been together 16 years and have three kids.

I am just worried about my friends and was looking for a little support and advice.

I have Aspergers and because of that my post probably read wrong, instead of judging how about asking more questions and trying to find out the whole story.

I'm not feeling like the is a very understanding and open community as some others I've been involved with over the years, so maybe it's best I just continue with my site use and leave the boards alone (as I have for the past 2+ years)

alpacalunch · June 2014

OP, I'm sorry if my reply to you wasn't what you wanted to hear, or "proper" but I was merely being honest, and I intended no insult.

However, I'm not sure what you'd like to hear. PPs including myself have said to support your friends, because that's all you can really do. If they're adults, you need to trust them to make their own choices. Everyone in my circle of friends (including myself) has made some questionable choices when dating. We learn from those times, and sometimes end up with fantastic results.

Just be happy for them, as much as you can. And, as I said before, if you can't be happy for them, give them some distance. But maybe they'll end up like your parents (and mine) and still be together in decades from now.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

panther03 said:

Just needing a little bit of advice. I have two friends both whom I have known separately for years (let's call them J and M). They started dating after being invited to a few of my group functions. They kept their relationship a secret for a few weeks, and a month later I learn they are engaged. I am the only person they told they are engaged, M has a ring but isn't wearing it.
I am worried for the following reasons:
-Three months into their relationship the moved in together. J was living in the out skirts of town, and M was living with family in a tiny closet size room.
-M has only been in two relationships. One with a guy whom she has known her whole life but moved away from and has told me (many times) is the love of her life. The another a guy she was with for 4 years who mistreated her.
-J jumps from relationship to relationship and drops things and uproots his life if an opportunity presents it's self. -Both are pretty spontaneous people and both are on the rebound.
-J has told me (a few times in the past) he doesn't want to get married or have kids and M recently told me they've already picked a wedding date and all their kids names.
-Both are ignoring friends requests to "hang out" and are only spending time with each other.
I do hope it works for them as they are both the happiest I've seen in a long time, but I am worried that they will both get seriously hurt if it falls apart (which not to be a debbie downer, but is more likely than not.)
How do I support them when I'm not agreeing with how they've been rushing into things?

I've only ever dated Fiance. For serious. There were certainly some frogs that could have turned into things, but I just could never make myself date them or go after guys I was only mildly interested in just to say that I had dated. And despite my lack of relationship history, Fiance and I have a very solid relationship. (Obviously, or else we wouldn't be getting married.)

My dad only ever dated my mom. My mom went on a few dates with gross guys, and only had one other relationship besides my dad. They've been married for 29 years.

I do get your point, and understand your worry. I have a friend who jumps from relationship to relationship and I worry about her. But all you can do is be there for them, congratulate them, and listen to them if they need an ear.

Agreed. My parents only dated each other. I've only dated FI.

It does seem concerning that one would say they aren't ready for marriage, but you can't really do much about it. Just support them both. If the one complains again that they aren't ready for marraige, encourage him/her to talk to his/her partner.

JellyBean52513 · June 2014

OP, please understand that the responses you will garner here are very honest. They may not be what you want to hear, and they may not be conveyed in the tone that is preferable to you, but they are honest. Sometimes tough love is what people need, and the ladies who post here do not sugarcoat things.

Your original post was very clear; you are concerned that this relationship isn't going to work out, for the number of reasons that you listed. These concerns come from your negative judgment of the relationship. If you weren't judging it, you wouldn't be posting here to tell us that you're afraid they'll get hurt, nor would you have asked us for advice on how to support something you clearly disagree with.

It's rude to tell posters how to reply "properly," especially when every single reply has been perfectly proper and appropriate. We love new people to post here, but you have to respect the culture of message boards and that means not telling people how to post, as well as not disregarding posters' comments because you simply don't like what they said/how they said it.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

panther03 said:

Ouch! Maybe Sceptical was the wrong word to use.
I'm not trying to judge them, I love them both and AM happy for them. Maybe I didn't make clear that I am just worried about them and don't want them to get hurt.
Maybe you all are jumping to conclusions and didn't fully read my post?

For the record my parents were engaged after 4 months and are still together after 34 years.

Sceptical was the wrong word. It's sweet however, that you are worried about your friends getting hurt. Right now there's not much you can do.

LadyMillil · June 2014

OP, I can understand being concerned about your friends rushing into marriage. I feel the same way about my sister, and my best friend felt the same way about her sister. We've talked about this a lot, and the only thing we can do is support them now, and support them if things fall apart. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about this that won't upset your friends. I know it's really hard, but there's nothing you can do.

CMGragain · June 2014

Just wait until it's your DAUGHTER who tells you that she wants to marry someone she is totally 'in love" with! Then you will really need to tread carefully.
Yeah, I knew he wasn't the right guy for her, but I had to let her find out by herself. She's happily married to someone else, and glad she survived and learned. I never said a word against him.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

CMGragain said:

Just wait until it's your DAUGHTER who tells you that she wants to marry someone she is totally 'in love" with! Then you will really need to tread carefully.
Yeah, I knew he wasn't the right guy for her, but I had to let her find out by herself. She's happily married to someone else, and glad she survived and learned. I never said a word against him.

I knew you reminded me of someone. My parents were saints with my relationship with FI. We started dating 7 years ago, in high school and early on it was not a healthy relationship. Nothing physically wrong, but we definitely knew how to yell. I am not proud of years 2-3 of dating, but my parents stayed out of it and it turned out okay. We learned how to work together and not fight over little things. We learned how to compromise and we grew into our own people. If my parents would have butted in, I'm not sure I would have learned my lessons. Life is making mistakes and learning from them. I'm glad I got to learn from mine and I know that I have many more in front of me, but at this point I'm sure FI isn't one of them. He could have been though.

phira · June 2014

They're adults and they're making their own decisions. You can't protect them from what you think is a bad decision, and there's nothing you can say that won't alienate them.

So just be outwardly happy for them, but when you're alone, distract yourself from thinking about it.

lc07 · June 2014

OP, you are sweet for being concerned about your friends. But it is not your place to intervene with your feelings. Especially if there is no abuse happening. It's hard to watch people make (what you perceive to be) mistakes. But we all make them. I have been in "the wrong" relationship before. There's nothing you could have said to me to stop me. I was in denial, and I would have never listened to you. I'd have been pissed off at your lack of support of me and it could have ended our friendship.

I suggest you heed the PPs advice and be supportive of your friends. They may need you whether their relationship works out or not.

scrunchythief · June 2014

I think this one might depend on your relationships with your friends. I have a friend or two who we have a long standing history of checking in with each other when we think there's a choice they haven't thought through. But I only have 2 people like this who aren't my FI. Also, this always come from a place of concern and is done with questions, not accusations.

Unless you have a relationship like that with this couple, I wouldn't bring it up. Maybe you could suggest premarital counseling? That would depend on your relationship with them. I recommend premarital counseling to everyone (even people who aren't even dating yet), so I've tried to practice how to do it without making them feel judged.

lilacck28 · June 2014

panther03 said:

Thank you, lilacck28 for a proper reply!

You're welcome.But.. I didn't really say anything different from anyone else? I hope it works out for your friends.

kmmssg · June 2014

OP, you said, "How do I support them when I'm not agreeing with how they've been rushing into things?" I gently encourage you to remember that it isn't your decision to decide how fast they move.

All you can do is be a listener and be a loving friend. Try having your 17 yo DD (she was my stepdd, DH's DD) come to you after she has made wedding plans, bought a dress, booked the church and chosen BM dresses and tell you she is getting married. (her mother thought this was God inspired and a GREAT IDEA, even though it totally trashed any college plans she would have had)

This happened to us. She married him. It was a freaking disaster. We knew it would be and started to voice concerns. As soon as we opened our mouths she became distant and bitchy. It took DH about a nanosecond to figure out we needed to shut up and be as supportive as we could be or she would cut us out and stop speaking to us. We thought it was more important to keep the lines of communication and love open so we shut our mouths and supported her as best we could.

I think that is what you need to do here. I don't think you should be chastised for being way too invested in other people's lives. That is BS. When you see someone you are close to walking into something that gives you that red flag feeling you want to speak up, you get concerned. That is the nature of friendship and family. The flipside of that is you usually need to shut up and just be there as a friend or family member.

That same DD divorced her ex-h 3 or 4 years ago, no kids, thankfully. She goes through boyfriends at lightening speed because she is so desperate for "that" relationship. Her mother has had 4 husbands and is very dependent by choice. She tried to raise DH's 2 DDs to be the same way. It worked with this one but the other one is repulsed by the idea of needing a man to survive in this world.

We were dead on right to be concerned when she married at 18, we knew it was a bad idea and we were right. It was still the right thing to shut up and be welcoming and loving, and to never ever ever say "I told you so."

I married my ex-h within 5 months of meeting him. We were both on the rebound and rushed it and, besides our 2 beautiful DDs, it was a disaster. I have been married to my current DH for over 17 years and we were together for 3 before we started talking marriage, together for 5 when we did get married. After our first blind date, neither of us ever saw anyone else. I figured it out right away that he could be the one. Being a stupid boy sometimes, it took him a little longer.

I think being a good friend here is keeping quiet and being supportive. This could really be "it" and you want to have good things invested if it is. If it isn't, they will both be thankful for a good friend who was encouraging. You've got this.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2014

panther03 said:

Ouch! Maybe Sceptical was the wrong word to use.
I'm not trying to judge them, I love them both and AM happy for them. Maybe I didn't make clear that I am just worried about them and don't want them to get hurt.
Maybe you all are jumping to conclusions and didn't fully read my post?

For the record my parents were engaged after 4 months and are still together after 34 years.

TBH, the only person making assumptions here is you. Everyone offered their support and most gave spot on advice. I'm not sure what else you were expecting to be told. You are judging their relationship but let's face it, we all judge. I get where you're coming from and you're a great friend to be worried about them. But besides being a shoulder to cry on god forbid the worst does happen there's nothing you can do. Just continue being happy that they're happy and live life normally. Good luck.

Amonite · June 2014

Your concerns are valid , but there isn't much you can do about it unless they directly ask your advice. You're their friend, not their parent or babysitter. Many people jump into relationships for the wrong reasons, or rush when statistically its not a good idea - but in the end it is their life and their choices. Some beat the odds and work out, others get hurt.

Just continue to be a good friend, and if they give you an opening/ask your advice let out a little nugget of caution. Don't overburden them with advice even if they ask, and don't force advice.

Every couple needs the support of good friends to get past the rough times - so if you are worried, remain a friend, and then you will still be around to help later.

MadHops21 · June 2014

I'm still wondering what OP wanted to hear since this thread is very tame and supportive...

short+sassy · June 2014

I totally understand where you are coming from, OP. It's so hard to see friends headed for what looks to be disaster and stand idly by. I think your best course of action really depends on both your own relationship with these friends and the kind of people these friends are. It sounds like you have a pretty close relationship with one/both of them.

So the next question is are either one or both the kind of a person who could take GENTLE, unsolicited advice from you without it being offensive. If the answer to that is yes, I would sit down with the friend you are either the closest to and/or who would take what you have to say with the openest mind. Focus only on your concern that things seem to be getting very serious, very fast and it might be more prudent and better in the long run to slow things down. Don't use language/attitude that could be construed...or even remotely construed...as judgy. That is your best chance of being heard. Tread carefully, tread lightly.

If you don't think either of them could/would hear you in this way, than your best bet is to say nothing and hope it works out. Either way, just be supportive and ready to step in if needed.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

People have to make thier own mistakes, and nobody will thank you for trying to interfere. Part of being a friend is being there to pick up the pieces.

ashleyep · June 2014

I'm marrying my first real relationship. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened - we never broke up, ha.

You need to let them live their lives. It sounds like they're still in the honeymoon phase if they're pretty much only hanging out with each other. I can see why you would worry about them, but you have to let them make their own decisions.

lilacck28 · June 2014

ashleyep said:

I'm marrying my first real relationship. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened - we never broke up, ha.

You need to let them live their lives. It sounds like they're still in the honeymoon phase if they're pretty much only hanging out with each other. I can see why you would worry about them, but you have to let them make their own decisions.

Glad to see I'm not the only one!

Marzipan13 · June 2014

If either of them showed signs of abuse, or if either of them acted particularly controlling, then it would be cause for concern. Even though it might not seem legit to YOU, doesn't mean it's not legit to them. People fall in love; people's feelings change. Sure, some of it sounds a little strange, but they're doing their relationship their way. As PPs have said, if it works - great, and if it doesn't - that's on them (not you).

sarawifenow · June 2014

FI and I moved in together within two months...he is my second serious relationship. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Leave this alone.

Rebl90 · June 2014

FI was my first date, and first and only relationship. I knew I would marry him halfway through our first date, and in a week I will.

You can be concerned, but only two people know all about this relationship, and you Are not one of them. Be supportive and understanding if either friend needs you, otherwise let them make their own decisions.

Sceptical of friends' sudden engagement.

Re: Sceptical of friends' sudden engagement.

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