Not even a card

themuffinman16 · June 2014

My bridesmaids threw me shower, this past weekend, and two of them (FSILS) didn't get me a gift. One of them I heard has a problem with me and didn't attend the shower she was supposed to be cohosting. But the other bridesmaid, who I have always felt really close to did not give me a gift, either. Maybe she is having money troubles.... but she didn't even get me a card. That really stung. I have my other bridesmaid's (FSIL) baby shower to attend to tomorrow. I am supposed to get gifts for my bridesmaids for throwing me a party, but I am just so upset by the oversight, that to show thoughtfulness for 2 of my bridesmaids thoughtlessness, is upsetting to me. What would you do? Now I know you don't get a gift for the gift, but as a thank you for the shower. But it just upsets me that she didn't even get me a card for the shower. I have known her since she was 10... 13 years later, and I just feel like I mean nothing to her, now. I always felt like she was my little sister, and now, I just feel like an acquaintance. I, of course, won't say anything, but do I have a right to feel hurt?

sarahonlife · June 2014

I never knew people attached such meaning to a 99 cent piece of paper that they'll throw away a friend who felt like a sister because she only threw a shower and didn't also spend 99 cents to sign her name on something. Really?

themuffinman16 · June 2014

I guess I could just be a little upset over my other FSIL and thinking all of me FSILS don't like me now. My family put a lot of importance on cards, because telling people how much they mean to you was always more important than the gift. But not every household gives cards to let people know how much they love them, and show it in other ways, instead. I guess I am just projecting. I needed that reality check. Thank you

JCbride2015 · June 2014

themuffinman16 said:

My bridesmaids threw me shower, this past weekend, and two of them (FSILS) didn't get me a gift. One of them I heard has a problem with me and didn't attend the shower she was supposed to be cohosting. But the other bridesmaid, who I have always felt really close to did not give me a gift, either. Maybe she is having money troubles.... but she didn't even get me a card. That really stung. I have my other bridesmaid's (FSIL) baby shower to attend to tomorrow. I am supposed to get gifts for my bridesmaids for throwing me a party, but I am just so upset by the oversight, that to show thoughtfulness for 2 of my bridesmaids thoughtlessness, is upsetting to me. What would you do? Now I know you don't get a gift for the gift, but as a thank you for the shower. But it just upsets me that she didn't even get me a card for the shower. I have known her since she was 10... 13 years later, and I just feel like I mean nothing to her, now. I always felt like she was my little sister, and now, I just feel like an acquaintance. I, of course, won't say anything, but do I have a right to feel hurt?

You can be a little hurt, but you shouldn't mention it to them and you need to get over it quickly. They went to the effort to throw you a shower. Maybe they didn't have the money or time to get you a card after throwing the party. Just try to be grateful and don't feed into any preexisting drama.

mysticl · June 2014

A shower is a gift. There is nothing thoughtless about throwing you a shower. As for the one who didn't attend. You heard she has a problem with you. Who did you hear this from? Is it credible information? Did she tell you she has a problem with you? Maybe she just couldn't make the shower. Crap happens, things come up.

JaxInBlue · June 2014

Agree with JCBride. Try to see the party they threw for you as their gift to you. She may not be a card person. She may not know how you feel about cards. There's a lot that could be going on.

As for thank you or hostess gifts for those who threw your shower, they don't need to be extravagant or expensive; you could get each hostess some chocolates or put together a floral arrangement for them. Some great tea or coffee and some cookies, or a bottle of wine - depending on their tastes - are also options.

I'd take a moment, reflect on what you enjoyed about the shower, and try to concentrate on that as you send out your thanks.

JennyColada · June 2014

They did get you a gift: the shower. They likely spent much more time and money on that then any gift they'll ever get you for the rest of your life.

manateehugger · June 2014

Co-hosting a shower requires a hell of a lot more time and consideration and money than running out and getting you a set of towels and a cheap card.

Three of my bridesmaids didn't get me a shower gift - because their gift was buying custom invites, mailing invites, getting RSVPs, finding a venue, buying and making food, hosting my friends and family, coming up with non lame games, buying decorations, etc.

My hostess gifts were reusable shopping totes with wine and snacks shoved in.

sarahonlife · June 2014

themuffinman16 said:

I guess I could just be a little upset over my other FSIL and thinking all of me FSILS don't like me now. My family put a lot of importance on cards, because telling people how much they mean to you was always more important than the gift. But not every household gives cards to let people know how much they love them, and show it in other ways, instead. I guess I am just projecting. I needed that reality check. Thank you

Of course telling people how much they mean to you is more important than a gift. I do that with my words, not with a preprinted poem on a piece of paper I picked up at the grocery store.

themuffinman16 · June 2014

The shower is a gift, I should stop reflecting my troubles with my one bridesmaid and thinking the rest of them feel that way about me. I do know that the one bridesmaid does have a problem with me. She RSVPed yes to my shower my sister threw for me and then told her SIL she had no intention of going (a week before the shower.) FSIL didn't know she wasn't supposed to tell me, than the day of the shower, this bridesmaid said she and her daughter were sick, and couldn't make it.

For the second shower, she told me she could not make it the day before, and didn't tell me why. Her daughter had a soccer game, even though her husband was home. She just didn't want to go. Whatever. I went to her house just a couple of days ago, to give her daughter her birthday present and a cupcake. This bridesmaid was saying all sorts of inappropriate things about me in front of her children. I am just trying to keep the peace until the wedding, so as not to ruffle any feathers. But afterwards, I am pretty sure I will limit my exposure to her.

I asked other bridesmaid if there was anything I did to upset her so I could fix the problem between her and I. She said this bridesmaid was mad that I travelled for my JOB and was never around, and now that I don't travel for work I am ALWAYS around. Okay. It's called work. Not all of us are lucky enough to be working locally. Why be my bridesmaid if you harbored this resentment towards me? Why wouldn't you decline?

This is why I guess I was deflecting with my other bridesmaid. Again, I have real issues with being liked, and if someone does or says something unkind, it makes me question my relationships with others, as well. My other sister in law is not a gossip, and I do trust her, because she is, now, on good terms with this SIL, and saying that to me could have jeopardized her good standing with this SIL. She just knows how hurt I am that I thought this SIL and I were close, and to realize she is in my wedding party and doesn't like me, is a little upsetting.

grumbledore · June 2014

What's up with all this drama? Stop including people who don't like you. And so stop worrying about how much relatives and future relatives like you. Who cares? You can't control other people's feelings.

lc07 · June 2014

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, OP. Some people just express love differently. I am not a card giver. I am an experience giver. That's how I show love. Everyone is different. I'd stop asking other people why this FSIL is acting this way. The "telephone" thing can always get screwy and it's unfair that FSIL doesn't get to speak for herself. Just be you. Be wonderful. Be kind. Don't give her any reason to dislike you. If you care about building a relationship with her, go the extra mile to do things for and with her and hopefully she will come around.

CMGragain · June 2014

My mother hated cards. She wanted gifts - expensive ones! The more a person spent, the more she felt she was appreciated. She was also generous with gifts, but she would demand to be thanked over and over, which really killed the fun of receiving a gift.
OK, so now my family doesn't really do a lot of gifts. Mom is gone, and there is no more need to be constantly shopping for another gift for her. It is such a relief.
My point is that not everybody values cards or gifts the same way. Fuck the presents. I wish Mom could have hugged me and said "I love you" to me, just once.

Rebl90 · June 2014

The shower is a gift, I should stop reflecting my troubles with my one bridesmaid and thinking the rest of them feel that way about me. I do know that the one bridesmaid does have a problem with me. She RSVPed yes to my shower my sister threw for me and then told her SIL she had no intention of going (a week before the shower.) FSIL didn't know she wasn't supposed to tell me, than the day of the shower, this bridesmaid said she and her daughter were sick, and couldn't make it. Soooo you're basing all of this on second-hand information? Typically that is not the best form of communication.
For the second shower, she told me she could not make it the day before, and didn't tell me why. She doesn't owe you an explanation, period. There were at least 5 or so people who didn't come to my shower and didn't go out of their way to tell me why, and I didn't care. Her daughter had a soccer game, even though her husband was home. She just didn't want to go. Whatever. So she didn't want to go and she didn't want to miss her daughter's soccer game, that is not a ridiculous reason to skip a shower. You have no right to think that just because her husband is home she should make herself available. My FI's cousin missed my shower for that exact same reason and again, I didn't care. I went to her house just a couple of days ago, to give her daughter her birthday present and a cupcake. That's nice of you, but really, it sounds like you are just using this to make yourself sound better than her. This bridesmaid was saying all sorts of inappropriate things about me in front of her children. Like what? And you just stood there and let her do that? I am just trying to keep the peace until the wedding, so as not to ruffle any feathers. But afterwards, I am pretty sure I will limit my exposure to her. THEN WHY IS SHE A BRIDESMAID???
I asked other bridesmaid if there was anything I did to upset her so I could fix the problem between her and I. She said this bridesmaid was mad that I travelled for my JOB and was never around, and now that I don't travel for work I am ALWAYS around. HANG ON, okay, you went to a second person instead of going to the source? You are creating drama and hurt feelings by doing this. This is how middle school kids act and that's why this has obviously got out of hand.Okay. It's called work. Not all of us are lucky enough to be working locally. Why be my bridesmaid if you harbored this resentment towards me? Why wouldn't you decline?
This is why I guess I was deflecting with my other bridesmaid. Again, I have real issues with being liked, and if someone does or says something unkind, it makes me question my relationships with others, as well. My other sister in law is not a gossip, and I do trust her, because she is, now, on good terms with this SIL, and saying that to me could have jeopardized her good standing with this SIL. She just knows how hurt I am that I thought this SIL and I were close, and to realize she is in my wedding party and doesn't like me, is a little upsetting.

I have a BM who didn't give me a card or gift at my bridal shower, showed up late, left early, and did not help plan the shower in any way. And do you know how I felt? I felt so humbled that she would take time out of her busy life to spend a little time with me.

Don't read too deeply into every detail, you will cause yourself unnecessary stress and worry and only build up more drama. Let it go. You asked her to be a BM for some reason and now you need to deal with it.

PS. This is why your BMs should only be your closest friends, from what you've written about her it seems that you don't care for her at all or have any respect for her.

AddieCake · June 2014

I was hurt that one of my close friends who couldn't come to the wedding didn't even give me a card. I certainly never said anything to her or did anything about it. If she had thrown me a shower, I would have let it go completely b/c as PPs said, it takes work to put together a shower. THAT is the card and gift right there. Just move on.

Not even a card

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