So if FI is disowned, we don't have to invite his side, right?

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

Uhm. Yeah. That happened because the parents don't approve of the bride -- I'm supposedly not (fundy) Christian enough (they don't think Catholics or Anglican/Episcopalians are Christians), too independent, and too educated (they're currently trying to con FI himself into dropping his PhD studies -- to catch a dumber girl, I guess?). FI is furious and told me to strike them off every guest list we have, from wedding to a theoretical baby's baptism to the life celebrations of the cats.

We're not getting married til late 2015, early 2016. I know things may change. So, what is protocol when the groom's parents are on the outs? Can we invite the groom's grandparents? Aunts and uncles (the siblings to the disowning parents)? Also, what happens if after invitations go out, there is a reconciliation? I don't want to B-list the parents, but until they agree to be civil and take back the disowning, I don't want them there either.

Sidebar: I feel really frickin' terrible. I'm not the right 'make and model' his parents wanted for him; I know they'd be drama queens anyway, but disowning FI is a move directly relating to me being the future wife. I hate the fact they're putting him through this because I exist. I have absolutely no apologies for who and what I am -- I just hate that he's getting hell. FMIL never even congratulated us on the engagement - threw a temper tantrum about not getting a personal transatlantic telephone call. Our friends are happy, my side is happy, but FI feels like an orphan at this point.

monkeysip · June 2014

I'm assuming you and FI are paying, right?

You can invite anyone you want. There's no rules of who you can/have to invite here. If you want some of his family members and not others, that's fine (as long as you're not splitting up couples).

I really wouldn't worry yet though. I wouldn't make this decision until next year, and even then, things could change.

And *in theory*, if you didn't invite his parents, and they somehow reconcile a month before the wedding, I wouldn't consider inviting them to be B-listing. It's just like if you meet a new friend right before your wedding and decide to invite them... that's not B-listing.

Either way, don't worry about this now. Just be supportive of each other and make sure you're on the same page. Sorry FI's parents are so judgey of you

LDay2014 · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

Uhm. Yeah. That happened because the parents don't approve of the bride -- I'm supposedly not (fundy) Christian enough (they don't think Catholics or Anglican/Episcopalians are Christians), too independent, and too educated (they're currently trying to con FI himself into dropping his PhD studies -- to catch a dumber girl, I guess?). FI is furious and told me to strike them off every guest list we have, from wedding to a theoretical baby's baptism to the life celebrations of the cats.

We're not getting married til late 2015, early 2016. I know things may change. So, what is protocol when the groom's parents are on the outs? Can we invite the groom's grandparents? Aunts and uncles (the siblings to the disowning parents)? Also, what happens if after invitations go out, there is a reconciliation? I don't want to B-list the parents, but until they agree to be civil and take back the disowning, I don't want them there either.

Sidebar: I feel really frickin' terrible. I'm not the right 'make and model' his parents wanted for him; I know they'd be drama queens anyway, but disowning FI is a move directly relating to me being the future wife. I hate the fact they're putting him through this because I exist. I have absolutely no apologies for who and what I am -- I just hate that he's getting hell. FMIL never even congratulated us on the engagement - threw a temper tantrum about not getting a personal transatlantic telephone call. Our friends are happy, my side is happy, but FI feels like an orphan at this point.

well, it may be a knee jerk reaction on their part. Although shitty, hopefully given some time and space they will relax. Very good of your FI to make his stand though, From what you said he has essentially told them they can accept his choice that you ARE what he wants or they can take a hike. Make a united front together, and they will either come around or they wont. That's in their court.

On the upside, you have LOTS of time, and I wouldn't get too worried about it yet. You're a long time from sending out invitations and if you so choose to invite them, do so - but with no strings attached. Don't expect them to change, don't expect anything from them (emotionally) but it may show them that the door is open should they want to join you. And leave it at that.

saacjw · June 2014

So, I've had two good friends with very similar situations, bride disowned because groom wasn't the right flavor of Christian. I've sat through a great many crying and bitching hours with these friends and their fiances and have seen just how shitty and rough it really is. Since you don't have a date yet, don't worry about invitations quite yet. A lot might happen between now and then. For both of my friends' disowning families, they eventually, grudgingly, got over it when they realized that all they were doing was alienating the child that they do really care about. Neither family showed up to the wedding in a joyful state (one friend's parents sat in the back of the church and did not participate), but they did come. So, it might be worth it to count them for now, since it's easier to subtract from your numbers than add to them, and then, if things never get better or if you decide that you don't want them there don't invite them. If there's a reconciliation after the invitations go out, then evaluate how you feel and make that call. This wouldn't be "b-listing" exactly, since you're not waiting to see if other people just don't show.

As for aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc- invite who ever you want. If your FI's parents aren't invited, but the rest of the family is- that is OK, especially if the rest of the family supports your relationship. My two good friends who were in your situation both had family members that thought the parents were being ridiculous and out of control and were 100% by my friends and their fiances. If the other family members join in on the disowning, screw them.

Your side bar- It sucks to be in this position. Full Stop, it's not an easy place to be. Hopefully your family and friends will step in and become your FI's family, which is what happened for both of my friends. Their now in-laws made them more welcome than they had really ever been with their own families. And, as my friend's older brother told her on the day she got engaged "screw them [their parents] and don't let them ruin this for you."

phira · June 2014

I think it's too soon to tell. But if it comes time to finalize your guest list, and his family is still throwing their hissy fit, or if things have gotten a little better but your fiance doesn't want to invite them? Then don't.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad your FI is sticking up for you.

beethery · June 2014

FI's family was already super pressed that y'all weren't going to have a huuuuuuuge wedding in the states just to please them, right?

I can't believe they'd do this to him!

As far as the rest of his family, if he's willing to invite them and they are continuing their relationship with him despite his BSC parents' decision, that is perfectly fine.

I hope his parents get a damn GRIP and I wish you and your FI all the best.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. As far as your question about inviting the rest of his family, well, I say go for it. Make his family choose.

ashleyep · June 2014

NYCMercedes said:

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. As far as your question about inviting the rest of his family, well, I say go for it. Make his family choose.

I agree with this. Unless you don't want them there, I would say be the bigger person and make them choose not to attend your wedding. Don't make the decision for him.

FI's mom has said she's not attending our wedding and they current aren't speaking right now. We sent her an invitation and now she has to physically respond no and send the card back. We didn't make her choice for her.

CMGragain · June 2014

This is up to your FI, not you. Be supportive of him, but don't criticize his family. They may likely reconcile, and then negative things you have said may come back to bite you in the ass.
You have a lot of time for them to get used to the idea. Try to keep out of this. I've been there. DH's family was not happy about his choice, either, and money was and is involved. Just try to keep your head down.

happywiggle · June 2014

phira said:

I think it's too soon to tell. But if it comes time to finalize your guest list, and his family is still throwing their hissy fit, or if things have gotten a little better but your fiance doesn't want to invite them? Then don't.

^^This.

FWIW, we're in a similar situation except I don't speak to my mother/step-father for certain reasons. I'm skipping right over them and am inviting aunts/uncles/grandparents from that side though.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

Thanks everyone. Things have quieted down, the disowning was taken back (not all of the other stuff was), but I'm starting to suspect that FMIL has a rapid cycling bipolar condition. I compared notes with my mom, who has dealt with her own mother's disease for the past 60 years, and certain patterns are lining up. Much like my grandfather, FFIL is her enabler/keeper and probably will be until she becomes an actual danger to him and gets 5150'ed.

Despite insisting that they approve of me, the FILs are still raising just plain weird objections to FI coming to see me and having an LDR. FI feels orphaned -- he wanted to move the wedding up, I think, because he doesn't want to feel alone in the universe; his family refuse to recognize me as their equal priority since I'm not blood.

Since I'm marrying in, I would hope I'm not blood. Then again, Texas.

I don't want to get married til I'm done with school or just before, so I'm not budging from the 2015/2016 date. This sort of blow-up is probably going to happen again a few times before we get married. I appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm trying to get an idea of what to do when the time comes, depending on where we are on this roller coaster. Having set, stable course of action to fall back on when these episodes happen make it easier to cope with rather than, "Now what do we do?" Just because she's unstable doesn't mean we are.

That said, what happens if we invite the parents, but then FI's mom has a meltdown and acts like this close to the wedding? Do we uninvite? I know people that are abusive don't get invites, but she's unpredictable. Since the wedding is small, we and the other guests will not be able to ignore or miss it. My side could totally take theirs in a fight, but this is not what I meant when I said I wanted dinner and a floor show at my wedding.

ETA: Yes, we're paying ourselves. No, we're not even thinking about taking money from them. Yes, they want a huge wedding, and no, we're not having it. At all.

lilacck28 · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

That said, what happens if we invite the parents, but then FI's mom has a meltdown and acts like this close to the wedding? Do we uninvite? I know people that are abusive don't get invites, but she's unpredictable. Since the wedding is small, we and the other guests will not be able to ignore or miss it. My side could totally take theirs in a fight, but this is not what I meant when I said I wanted dinner and a floor show at my wedding.

ETA: Yes, we're paying ourselves. No, we're not even thinking about taking money from them. Yes, they want a huge wedding, and no, we're not having it. At all.

Unless your Fiance is ready to cause a rift for life, and you are ready to take the blame (even if it is your fiance's decision, I'm betting his parents would blame you) then I would still invite them. That is, leave your invitation as is. They can choose not to attend. And if they are coming and she's having an "episode", then you should inform your venue/ security/ day of coordinator/ whoever is in charge of the venue of the possibility of her acting out.

I also don't think you should fall back on arm chair diagnosing her even if your mother has experience with the disorder. It may make you feel better about her not accepting you, and provide some rationality to her behavior, but I doubt it will help your relationship with Fiance, or his parents. It's still his mother. Even if he agrees with your assessment now, he may not appreciate it later. And this is besides the whole mislabeling which aids in stigmatizing mental health thing. ETA: though it may be a good idea for your fiance to encourage his mother to see a psychiatrist.

That said, I am not advocating that you put major efforts into winning them over or catering to them. If after another spell of ill will, your fiance is absolutely ready to remove them from his life, then okay. Cut them out.

I would still, no matter what, try to avoid bad talking them. If your fiance wants to vent, let him. Tell him you understand. But I wouldn't add to the conversation.

If he is not ready to cut them out, just remain neutral. Don't make it easy for them to label you the "bad guy" that they're already making you out to be (i.e. I would imagine by dis-inviting them they'll feel like you've provided hard evidence that you're taking their son away, taking away his chances of going to heaven, whatever).

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

CSunshine76 · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

Thanks everyone. Things have quieted down, the disowning was taken back (not all of the other stuff was), but I'm starting to suspect that FMIL has a rapid cycling bipolar condition. I compared notes with my mom, who has dealt with her own mother's disease for the past 60 years, and certain patterns are lining up. Much like my grandfather, FFIL is her enabler/keeper and probably will be until she becomes an actual danger to him and gets 5150'ed.

Despite insisting that they approve of me, the FILs are still raising just plain weird objections to FI coming to see me and having an LDR. FI feels orphaned -- he wanted to move the wedding up, I think, because he doesn't want to feel alone in the universe; his family refuse to recognize me as their equal priority since I'm not blood.

Since I'm marrying in, I would hope I'm not blood. Then again, Texas.

I don't want to get married til I'm done with school or just before, so I'm not budging from the 2015/2016 date. This sort of blow-up is probably going to happen again a few times before we get married. I appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm trying to get an idea of what to do when the time comes, depending on where we are on this roller coaster. Having set, stable course of action to fall back on when these episodes happen make it easier to cope with rather than, "Now what do we do?" Just because she's unstable doesn't mean we are.

That said, what happens if we invite the parents, but then FI's mom has a meltdown and acts like this close to the wedding? Do we uninvite? I know people that are abusive don't get invites, but she's unpredictable. Since the wedding is small, we and the other guests will not be able to ignore or miss it. My side could totally take theirs in a fight, but this is not what I meant when I said I wanted dinner and a floor show at my wedding.

ETA: Yes, we're paying ourselves. No, we're not even thinking about taking money from them. Yes, they want a huge wedding, and no, we're not having it. At all.

I'm sorry his family is treating you this way, but let's not put it on Texas. There are millions of Texans who would have no problem welcoming someone into their family no matter their religion, race, background etc. Hopefully his family comes to accept and love you as he does.

AddieCake · June 2014

We didn't invite anyone who isn't in our lives on a regular basis, including my husband's grandparents, with whom he had a falling out years back but had recently somewhat mended fences. So I'm usually in the camp of not inviting people who are not speaking to you.

However, one of my cousins kicked me out of her bridal party and we were not speaking after that (we eventually patched things up and then her true colors came out again a few years later and I have removed her permanently from my life), but she still invited me to her wedding, and I still went. I'm sure neither of us wanted to look like the asshole. I would also invite his parents. I agree with PPs who said it then puts it on them whether or not to come. Sometimes, depending on family dynamics, you have to be the bigger person.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

I really think you're worrying about this way too early. I know it's hard not to let your mind run, but you don't need to get stressed over this now.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

CSunshine76 said:

GuitarSlayer said:

FI feels orphaned -- he wanted to move the wedding up, I think, because he doesn't want to feel alone in the universe; his family refuse to recognize me as their equal priority since I'm not blood.

Since I'm marrying in, I would hope I'm not blood. Then again, Texas.
I'm sorry his family is treating you this way, but let's not put it on Texas. There are millions of Texans who would have no problem welcoming someone into their family no matter their religion, race, background etc. Hopefully his family comes to accept and love you as he does.

That was meant more as an inbreeding joke -- they're putting a lot of emphasis on their 'blood' and I'm not their 'blood' until I marry in and so I shouldn't be treated as important until then - FI shouldn't visit me at Christmas because I'm not blood, for example. Nor at Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July, Flag Day, Halloween, or any other holiday that they have claimed. I think I can have the Queen's Birthday.

As to the armchair diagnosis, guilty as charged - I'm trying to find a reason other than "she's just mysterious malevolent evil cray cray." However, at the same time, it's like I'm watching reruns of my grandmother (who I've seen off her meds). Things would be better if FFIL acknowledged that something was 'off' about her - we could at least trust him to keep her in line, as my grandfather was able to do at my mother's wedding. He's in denial about it, so he's ignoring it to the point it is costing him a relationship with his son.

Thanks again everyone. I'm not panicking over the wedding per se, but I am concerned about the abuse they are directing at FI over this now and probably until the wedding; it's his family, his decisions, but I have beef it they're using him as a dumping ground. I'm trying to establish protocol so we can cope with these shenanigans until we do get married and so that our wedding goes ok -- FI stated that FMIL shat on the best day of his life due to her reaction to the engagement (temper tantrum, has yet to congratulate me, insulted FI and stated he did it wrong, etc). I don't want a rerun of that.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

@lilacck28‌ is wise! Her advice is well written and spot on.

SewInLoveWithDMB · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

Uhm. Yeah. That happened because the parents don't approve of the bride -- I'm supposedly not (fundy) Christian enough (they don't think Catholics or Anglican/Episcopalians are Christians), too independent, and too educated (they're currently trying to con FI himself into dropping his PhD studies -- to catch a dumber girl, I guess?). FI is furious and told me to strike them off every guest list we have, from wedding to a theoretical baby's baptism to the life celebrations of the cats.

We're not getting married til late 2015, early 2016. I know things may change. So, what is protocol when the groom's parents are on the outs? Can we invite the groom's grandparents? Aunts and uncles (the siblings to the disowning parents)? Also, what happens if after invitations go out, there is a reconciliation? I don't want to B-list the parents, but until they agree to be civil and take back the disowning, I don't want them there either.

Sidebar: I feel really frickin' terrible. I'm not the right 'make and model' his parents wanted for him; I know they'd be drama queens anyway, but disowning FI is a move directly relating to me being the future wife. I hate the fact they're putting him through this because I exist. I have absolutely no apologies for who and what I am -- I just hate that he's getting hell. FMIL never even congratulated us on the engagement - threw a temper tantrum about not getting a personal transatlantic telephone call. Our friends are happy, my side is happy, but FI feels like an orphan at this point.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this - I can only imagine how difficult it is for a partner to have such severe family issues over his choice, which is you. No fun. There is a lot of great advice in this thread - but just be careful with your wording, as a warning? Implying that your FI getting his PhD meaning that his choice for a wife is equally smart just doesn't make sense. Although some programs are hard (and some fields more difficult than others), not all PhD candidates are brilliant, and not all wives of PhD candidates are chosen for their brains. They may want him to drop the program for many other reasons - job stability in the chosen field, job location, whether or not the degree will result in "better" chances of finding a job, student loans, family money used, etc. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Someone else mentioned for you to keep your opinions to yourself regarding his family, and I think that is perfect advice. I get that it is difficult since you are being directly attacked by them, but in your responses to their criticism, it might make you come off in a not-so-great-light. You don't want to dip to that level and offend others in the process (those with/without doctorate degrees, those with mental issues and all of Texas.) Good luck with everything. Since you have a few years, I would just do nothing at this point. Who knows what will happen by 2016.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

Basically, his mother has spent all of his father's life savings on buying estate sale stuff and wants FI to get a job to 'save' the family house. Also, academia/being educated at a PhD level is making him a bad Christian. Um.

They want him to get a girl that doesn't have career prospects/is a bit dim (I will quantify this, so hang on) so she can be a stay-at-home mom at will -- they don't approve of me getting my PhD before FI because I should 'submit' to his career as a priority - said by FI's father. They want some naive thing fresh out of college for him that's the right religion that will be a submissive wife -- his mother has remarked that I'm 'too smart' to be a good wife. FI reports that these things have been said with no equivocation. I wish I was making this nonsense up. They insist they approve of me to FI, but they make comments like these and constantly question my religion. I was born at night, but not last night; I know they don't want me as a DIL.

I have people in my family with mental illness, and I've worked in a mental health ward. I see red flags. The mother is expressing some serious whackjob behavior that's making me think of my grandmother before she was committed to a permanent care home.

I had lived in TX for 4+ years. I turned their statement of 'she's not real blood' into an inbreeding joke. TX is a Southern state with a history of founding families intermarrying very closely. In most places, your brides isn't 'real blood' until she marries you -- unless she's already your cousin, which was the case many times in early Texas history. Sorry that joke went over like a lead zeppelin.

Am I saying this to any of them? Nope. Just FI and me. And the forum -- I need to vent, but I know better than to post on FB or other social media. FI is the one who reports what they said to me because he gets angry. I know I'm lucky to have a guy like that. I don't have much to say; FI is already hopping mad by the time he reports back to me. He's shown me emails and texts, so I know he's not making it up. They assume that FI takes the 'she's not blood' thing seriously, so they think I am ignorant of what's going on. I'm innocent as a dove, wise as a serpent over here.

I'm just trying to laugh at the insanity and make contingency plans. Regardless of what stunt they pull, I want us to have a set play. It's a long ways off, but I have no doubt they will be making trouble for us over the next 18 months+.

beethery · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

Basically, his mother has spent all of his father's life savings on buying estate sale stuff and wants FI to get a job to 'save' the family house. Also, academia/being educated at a PhD level is making him a bad Christian. Um.

They want him to get a girl that doesn't have career prospects/is a bit dim (I will quantify this, so hang on) so she can be a stay-at-home mom at will -- they don't approve of me getting my PhD before FI because I should 'submit' to his career as a priority - said by FI's father. They want some naive thing fresh out of college for him that's the right religion that will be a submissive wife -- his mother has remarked that I'm 'too smart' to be a good wife. FI reports that these things have been said with no equivocation. I wish I was making this nonsense up. They insist they approve of me to FI, but they make comments like these and constantly question my religion. I was born at night, but not last night; I know they don't want me as a DIL.

I have people in my family with mental illness, and I've worked in a mental health ward. I see red flags. The mother is expressing some serious whackjob behavior that's making me think of my grandmother before she was committed to a permanent care home.

I had lived in TX for 4+ years. I turned their statement of 'she's not real blood' into an inbreeding joke. TX is a Southern state with a history of founding families intermarrying very closely. In most places, your brides isn't 'real blood' until she marries you -- unless she's already your cousin, which was the case many times in early Texas history. Sorry that joke went over like a lead zeppelin.

Am I saying this to any of them? Nope. Just FI and me. And the forum -- I need to vent, but I know better than to post on FB or other social media. FI is the one who reports what they said to me because he gets angry. I know I'm lucky to have a guy like that. I don't have much to say; FI is already hopping mad by the time he reports back to me. He's shown me emails and texts, so I know he's not making it up. They assume that FI takes the 'she's not blood' thing seriously, so they think I am ignorant of what's going on. I'm innocent as a dove, wise as a serpent over here.

I'm just trying to laugh at the insanity and make contingency plans. Regardless of what stunt they pull, I want us to have a set play. It's a long ways off, but I have no doubt they will be making trouble for us over the next 18 months+.

It's a good thing that you're also 'too smart' to buy into their crazy ass CRAP. Your FILs are assholes. I'm glad your FI is also 'too smart' to subscribe to that bullshit.

Holy shit. I don't even know what else to say.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

OP, I found no offense in anything you said. I totally got where you were coming from. And then I read the explanation and I was infuriated for you. I thought I had it bad with FMIL trying to convince me to convert and trying to get FH to "be a better Jew" by becoming more Orthodox like she is slowly becoming. I cannot even imagine being in your shoes.

I would have your FI say nothing to them about the wedding. If they ask, have him bean dip. I would invite them, and have a plan with your DOC or venue security about what to do should a physical situation occur with her.

In the time between now and your wedding - be there for your FI to vent to, but say NOTHING to him. Smile and nod and say sorry, then come here to vent. Trust me, from personal experience I can tell you, doesn't matter that he agrees with you in the moment. 8, 12, 16 months down the line he might be upset with the thing you said about his family. Be there for him, but vent to us, not him. We won't judge =D

Edited to try and get my paragraphs back

lilacck28 · June 2014

ladyamanuet said:

OP, I found no offense in anything you said. I totally got where you were coming from. And then I read the explanation and I was infuriated for you. I thought I had it bad with FMIL trying to convince me to convert and trying to get FH to "be a better Jew" by becoming more Orthodox like she is slowly becoming. I cannot even imagine being in your shoes.

I would have your FI say nothing to them about the wedding. If they ask, have him bean dip. I would invite them, and have a plan with your DOC or venue security about what to do should a physical situation occur with her.

In the time between now and your wedding - be there for your FI to vent to, but say NOTHING to him. Smile and nod and say sorry, then come here to vent. Trust me, from personal experience I can tell you, doesn't matter that he agrees with you in the moment. 8, 12, 16 months down the line he might be upset with the thing you said about his family. Be there for him, but vent to us, not him. We won't judge =D

Edited to try and get my paragraphs back

STUCK IN BOX

To both bolded statements: EXACTLY!

Sorry you have to deal with their stupidity. I can't stand idiocy in every day life, but to be marrying into it? Can't even imagine.

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

Basically, his mother has spent all of his father's life savings on buying estate sale stuff and wants FI to get a job to 'save' the family house. Also, academia/being educated at a PhD level is making him a bad Christian. Um.

They want him to get a girl that doesn't have career prospects/is a bit dim (I will quantify this, so hang on) so she can be a stay-at-home mom at will -- they don't approve of me getting my PhD before FI because I should 'submit' to his career as a priority - said by FI's father. They want some naive thing fresh out of college for him that's the right religion that will be a submissive wife -- his mother has remarked that I'm 'too smart' to be a good wife. FI reports that these things have been said with no equivocation. I wish I was making this nonsense up. They insist they approve of me to FI, but they make comments like these and constantly question my religion. I was born at night, but not last night; I know they don't want me as a DIL.

I have people in my family with mental illness, and I've worked in a mental health ward. I see red flags. The mother is expressing some serious whackjob behavior that's making me think of my grandmother before she was committed to a permanent care home.

I had lived in TX for 4+ years. I turned their statement of 'she's not real blood' into an inbreeding joke. TX is a Southern state with a history of founding families intermarrying very closely. In most places, your brides isn't 'real blood' until she marries you -- unless she's already your cousin, which was the case many times in early Texas history. Sorry that joke went over like a lead zeppelin.

Am I saying this to any of them? Nope. Just FI and me. And the forum -- I need to vent, but I know better than to post on FB or other social media. FI is the one who reports what they said to me because he gets angry. I know I'm lucky to have a guy like that. I don't have much to say; FI is already hopping mad by the time he reports back to me. He's shown me emails and texts, so I know he's not making it up. They assume that FI takes the 'she's not blood' thing seriously, so they think I am ignorant of what's going on. I'm innocent as a dove, wise as a serpent over here.

I'm just trying to laugh at the insanity and make contingency plans. Regardless of what stunt they pull, I want us to have a set play. It's a long ways off, but I have no doubt they will be making trouble for us over the next 18 months+.

Are they Doug Wilsonite CREC-ers? My folks got us sucked into one of those cults churches when my brother and I were kids, and I ended up seeing several of my friends get married before age 18 to men of their father's choosing before we ultimately left. That's how they like their women there: barefoot and pregnant with an 8th grade education and a prozac smile. Fundies are just the worst. One of my friends who was married at 16 has already had five children. She is 25. The last time I saw her, she had trouble reading passages aloud and could not do basic math. People call it religious freedom, but I call it female oppression.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

I totally agree with the "not slamming the parents" element. That's hard, especially when FI (who is a teddy bear if there ever was one) is practically self-immolating from the inside out; I have a way worse temper so if it were my family, the nuclear option would already be activated. I already screwed up once by saying something along the lines of "Fuck that Miss Piggy look-alike." :X (but she really does).

I agree that the wedding isn't up for discussion with them anymore, and their invites are at FI's discretion. Again, his family, his business, but at the same time, he's got a softer heart than I do - there is an impulse for me to protect him from their manipulation. I know he's a grown up, but he's got a stronger dose of parental obligation than I do; I worry. @mrshutzler, they're Church of Christ, but conservative (no dancing, Footloose types; expected to collect a wife with their bachelor's degree at graduation at 22/23), and FI is liberal CoC and edging further away from it. Again, I have no beef with a religion until it starts putting limits on my on life options. I could care less what he is.

scrunchythief · June 2014

This may have already been brought up, but you two are discussing how to deal with this issue after you're married too, right? I'd bet if they're this vocal over his choice of who to marry, they'll be at least as vocal about how any (potential) children will be raised, splitting holidays between families, etc. I'm not trying to say you haven't thought of this. I just noticed most posts seemed concerned with just making it through the engagement.

ETA: and by vocal I mean extremely judgmental.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

@scrunchythief brings up a great point. If you two aren't doing counseling, you should. It will help you be beteter prepared to deal with this not only during the engagement, but during the marriage as well

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

GuitarSlayer said:

I totally agree with the "not slamming the parents" element. That's hard, especially when FI (who is a teddy bear if there ever was one) is practically self-immolating from the inside out; I have a way worse temper so if it were my family, the nuclear option would already be activated. I already screwed up once by saying something along the lines of "Fuck that Miss Piggy look-alike." :X (but she really does).

I agree that the wedding isn't up for discussion with them anymore, and their invites are at FI's discretion. Again, his family, his business, but at the same time, he's got a softer heart than I do - there is an impulse for me to protect him from their manipulation. I know he's a grown up, but he's got a stronger dose of parental obligation than I do; I worry. @mrshutzler, they're Church of Christ, but conservative (no dancing, Footloose types; expected to collect a wife with their bachelor's degree at graduation at 22/23), and FI is liberal CoC and edging further away from it. Again, I have no beef with a religion until it starts putting limits on my on life options. I could care less what he is.

I've been thinking and thinking about this problem and TBH, I would invite them. Not inviting them would cause a rift that will last basically forever and they will lord it over your FI and make him miserable. Let it be up to them if they go or not. If you invite them and they don't show up, they are the transgressors. If you don't invite them, you are, and they will remind you and him of it forever. If you invite them and they have indeed disowned your FI, they probably won't come, but then they will be the parents that didn't go to their son's wedding and they'll know what they've done. Put it in their court. Let them be the ones to be horrible. Your conscience will be clean and they will have to work at salvaging the relationship (or not). Don't give them any opportunity to malign your character. Keep yourself on the moral high ground.

ashley8918 · June 2014

ashleyep said:

NYCMercedes said:

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. As far as your question about inviting the rest of his family, well, I say go for it. Make his family choose.

I agree with this. Unless you don't want them there, I would say be the bigger person and make them choose not to attend your wedding. Don't make the decision for him.

FI's mom has said she's not attending our wedding and they current aren't speaking right now. We sent her an invitation and now she has to physically respond no and send the card back. We didn't make her choice for her.

I also agree with this approach. I have a sort of similar situation with my family. I am forcing them to decide not to attend. Otherwise, not inviting them just gives them more ammo to prove my general suckiness.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

@knotporscha

So if FI is disowned, we don't have to invite his side, right?

Re: So if FI is disowned, we don't have to invite his side, right?

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