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Sensitive MIL Issue...Etiquette Gods I Need Your Tactful Input :)

LDay2014LDay2014 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Okay Ladies, 
I've come to really respect your opinions so I want to ask your help on this issue.
FSIL is in the bridal party and she is VERY close with MIL - like they're disfunctionally close and at 30 FSIL lives at home and does everything with MIL.  It's kind of like shes still 12 and can't go shopping without Mom etc.  So, I have let FSIL know that the bridal party are all going to get our hair/makeup done the morning of the wedding and that shes welcome to come join us.  I also gave her a rundown of the day thus far and the timing of when the wedding starts etc. She said she wants to join us and will let MIL know but I'm concerned that MIL will assume she is attending the bridal party hair/makeup appt even though I have not discussed it with her at all.

So, I want to mitigate the potential hurt feelings here, and in the event she does assume she's invited how do I best handle it?  I want it to be just the bridal party in the morning - is that rude of me?
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Re: Sensitive MIL Issue...Etiquette Gods I Need Your Tactful Input :)

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    singinchick13singinchick13 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    You should make it clear to your FSIL that the gathering is for the bridal party only. If she still includes your FMIL after hearing this then she clearly doesn't have a good grasp of the English language. It's not rude of you, but you need to avoid your FMIL interpreting that she has been invited. It will be much less awkward than telling her afterward that she isn't.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I personally would invite your MIL as well. Is your mom attending? If your mom is coming too, I would definitely invite MIL as well.

    I'm assuming FSIL assumed that MIL was invited, because I probably would assume that too. However, I guess she should have checked with you first.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    This may be a "pick your battles" thing.   But you can try to make it known to her that it's just the BP by saying, "If you need someone to pick you up to join the bridal party or if you'd prefer to do your own thing just let me know."    If FSIL mentions FMIL again you can say, "If FMIL doesn't want to drop you off just let me know."   It's a nicer way to say that she's not invited.

    I get wanting to join the girls but FMIL will probably want some moments with her son too.   
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    nope, my mom is NOT coming.  
    It's not that I don't like FMIL, but she has had her 'opinions' about our FI's and my relationship in the past and they make me a little hesitant.  

    I'm a grown woman and feel like I don't want my parents there while I'm getting ready. We are paying for our own wedding - so there is no financial contribution aspect to keep in mind.

    I think it's maybe a little harder for her because FSIL is not the type to get married (although awesome if she does) so this may be the only wedding she attends for her own child.  She's been a bit bullish with her opinions of what we have to do and honestly, I don't feel like dealing with it the morning of the wedding.  

    I feel like a bad person...
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    banana468banana468 member
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    You're not a bad person!   The morning of the wedding should hopefully be one of those times that other people aren't stressing you out.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Has your FSIL actually spoken of inviting her mother to join you?  If and when she does, you can tell her that no, only the wedding party members are welcome.

    This assumes that you consider the presence of your FMIL (and your mother, presumably) at the hair and makeup session a hill to die on.  That's up to you, and I'd consider how it might affect future relationships before you make a decision about it.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    You are not a bad person, not at all. If you want it to be bridal party only, then just tell your FSIL that. If she doesn't want to partake because FMIL won't be there, then whatever, she can do her own thing.
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    Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    I might say in conversation that you're excited for just the bridal party to be together for this time.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    I like banana468 's suggestion. For future reference, it's best to speak up right away so you're preventing confusion, rather than clearing up misunderstandings. If FSIL has already invited her mother along on the appointment, you could ask the stylists to schedule them last, after you are done, so you have the option of leaving. Alternatively, you could schedule them first and hope they don't want to hang around while the rest of you get your hair and makeup done. As a mom of adults, I don't think you're a bad person for not wanting the moms there. (sorry, TK doesn't like paragraphs today.)
                       
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks Ladies! I appreciate the suggestions...
    Ugh, while I don't want anyone offended, I don't want a huge entourage there.
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    weddingmcgeeweddingmcgee member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    The way you made it sound in the OP is that that your FSIL isn't in the bridal party. If you invited her to join the bridal party, but she isn't part of the bridal party, then be careful if you use the excuse that you only want the bridal party to get ready with you when you don't invite your FMIL. Because it won't add up if you invited your FSIL.
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    happywigglehappywiggle member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    weddingmcgee said:
    The way you made it sound in the OP is that that your FSIL isn't in the bridal party. If you invited her to join the bridal party, but she isn't part of the bridal party, then be careful if you use the excuse that you only want the bridal party to get ready with you when you don't invite your FMIL. Because it won't add up if you invited your FSIL.
    She says in her OP that the FSIL is in the bridal party. 
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    SomethingBeautiful08SomethingBeautiful08 member
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    OP remember that there is a difference between being generally rude to someone, and someone finding something offensive.   As the wedding event involves more and more people and gets more and more complex, the likelihood of someone finding something said or done offensive grows.  You can't please everyone at all times, the goal is to please the majority.  As others have explained, what you are doing is ok.  Assuming your MIL is a reasonable, mentally healthy person, while she may initially feel offended with proper explanation and thought, she should get over it.  If she can't / doesn't, then that is her problem.
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    SomethingBeautiful08 said:

    OP remember that there is a difference between being generally rude to someone, and someone finding something offensive.   As the wedding event involves more and more people and gets more and more complex, the likelihood of someone finding something said or done offensive grows.  You can't please everyone at all times, the goal is to please the majority.  As others have explained, what you are doing is ok.  Assuming your MIL is a reasonable, mentally healthy person, while she may initially feel offended with proper explanation and thought, she should get over it.  If she can't / doesn't, then that is her problem.

    Lol, that last part is a big assumption. But thank you. I think I'm within my rights to say it's just the bridal party. Which consist of my best friend of 25 years, my fsil (which FYI, auto corrects to 'fail'), and my two daughters. So, including me that's 5 people booked in for a 4 hour period.

    I'm going to be honest, it's just the bridal party.

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