Rehearsal dinner is now a birthday party?

LadyBelle11 · June 2014

My FILs have generously offered to host our rehearsal dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in the area. I was incredibly excited because it was really the first that they have shown a positive interest in the wedding. My FI just came home from visiting his brothers and has told me that his mother told his brother he is planning to turn our rehearsal dinner into a birthday party for my FI's stepfather. I am a little taken aback because she hasn't said anything about it to us when we've talked about it. I don't know how to deal with the news, and I am not sure if I should be upset or if I'm being selfish by feeling miffed because they are paying for it, and thus by that they can do whatever they want. Does anyone have advice about what I should do/how I should handle this?

Annndreaaaaa · June 2014

I would ask her about it before getting upset. If she does say that it will be a birthday celebration, I would decline her offer to host the rehearsal dinner and make other arrangements.

phira · June 2014

Ask before you get upset. And I agree with @Annndreaaaaa. If it's indeed a birthday party, then (very politely!) decline and organize it yourself. It's probably likely that it's just like ... a mention of his birthday, but hopefully if it is indeed a birthday party, your future mother in law will recognize that it's really inappropriate.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

My FILs have generously offered to host our rehearsal dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in the area. I was incredibly excited because it was really the first that they have shown a positive interest in the wedding. My FI just came home from visiting his brothers and has told me that his mother told his brother he is planning to turn our rehearsal dinner into a birthday party for my FI's stepfather. I am a little taken aback because she hasn't said anything about it to us when we've talked about it. I don't know how to deal with the news, and I am not sure if I should be upset or if I'm being selfish by feeling miffed because they are paying for it, and thus by that they can do whatever they want. Does anyone have advice about what I should do/how I should handle this?

First, your FI should deal with his mom. If there's just a birthday cake for dessert, it's no big deal. Frankly, I think rehearsal dinners are foremost a happy and lesser structured party than the reception. I see nothing wrong then, for a birthday to be celebrated. Remember, you're the bride and that's pretty hard to upstage. Perspective.

lc07 · June 2014

My biggest concern would be guest lists overlapping. Meaning, someone may be invited to the birthday party/rehearsal dinner who isn't invited to the wedding because they are friends with the birthday person. Have your FI find out what's going on and go from there.

MrsMcCaw · June 2014

I agree that you should get more details. There is no reason to turn it into a birthday party. He is an adult and can celebrate another night.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

I'd ask her before getting upset about it. As PPs said, having a birthday cake and even singing Happy Birthday would seem fine for me. Turning the whole event into a birthday party first and foremost would bring on a lot of problems. I'd decline the party if that's the case.

lc07 · June 2014

It was my uncle's birthday on our rehearsal day. So we sang happy birthday and toasted to him and he blew out candles. Otherwise, it was just a regular rehearsal dinner. We hosted, however, so we had control of the plans and the guest list.

LadyBelle11 · June 2014

Thanks, ladies. I think I will have my FI ask her and find out more details. I was just a little taken aback, and I wasn't entirely sure how to process the entire situation. The guest list is only family and the wedding party because it is a "destination" for them, so I am not worried so much about that. I just thought it was funny because she hadn't said anything to us about the birthday part. I love my future father in-law, and I don't mind, but I wasn't exactly sure how to approach the situation.

lc07 · June 2014

Then I don't see what the problem could possibly be for it to be a rehearsal dinner/birthday party?

lilacck28 · June 2014

lc07 said:

Then I don't see what the problem could possibly be for it to be a rehearsal dinner/birthday party?

OP said about FMIL hosting the rehearsal dinner: "I was incredibly excited because it was really the first that they have shown a positive interest in the wedding."

That's what's wrong. It seemed to me that OP was taken aback that what she had seen as a gesture of acceptance and excitement for the wedding was now seemingly being snatched back.

OP, previous posters had it right. Have your fiance speak to his mom and find out more details. And if your FMIL has decided that the rehearsal dinner will instead be a birthday party, or equally a rehearsal dinner and birthday party, try not to take that personally. I bet she's excited about multiple happy events.

I mentioned once before on the boards that my grandmother suggested that she'd have the dj play happy birthday for my uncle (her son) during the reception of my wedding. I was not pleased with the idea, but I never felt that my grandmother suggested it because she didn't care about my wedding. It was, like I said, two things that she was excited about that she thought could be combined.

lc07 · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

lc07 said:

Then I don't see what the problem could possibly be for it to be a rehearsal dinner/birthday party?

OP said about FMIL hosting the rehearsal dinner: "I was incredibly excited because it was really the first that they have shown a positive interest in the wedding."

That's what's wrong. It seemed to me that OP was taken aback that what she had seen as a gesture of acceptance and excitement for the wedding was now seemingly being snatched back.

OP, previous posters had it right. Have your fiance speak to his mom and find out more details. And if your FMIL has decided that the rehearsal dinner will instead be a birthday party, or equally a rehearsal dinner and birthday party, try not to take that personally. I bet she's excited about multiple happy events.

I mentioned once before on the boards that my grandmother suggested that she'd have the dj play happy birthday for my uncle (her son) during the reception of my wedding. I was not pleased with the idea, but I never felt that my grandmother suggested it because she didn't care about my wedding. It was, like I said, two things that she was excited about that she thought could be combined.

**Stuck in the damn box**

I don't see how her FMIL's excitement is being "snatched back". I agree with you that you can celebrate two happy events at one time. Sure, it may be disappointing that FMIL doesn't appear to be excited about the wedding if you had hoped she would be. But some people just won't be excited about your wedding. FMIL is being generous in hosting a rehearsal dinner. They will also be celebrating a birthday at the same time. I don't see how this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Jen4948 · June 2014

lc07 said:

Then I don't see what the problem could possibly be for it to be a rehearsal dinner/birthday party?

Depends on who's invited. It's not appropriate to invite anyone to a wedding-related side event like a rehearsal dinner who is not invited to the wedding, so it's not appropriate to combine rehearsal dinners with birthday parties when there will be guests who are not invited to the wedding.

And it's also not appropriate to bait-and-switch. If you've told a bridal couple that you are hosting a rehearsal dinner, then it's not appropriate to then indicate that this same occasion also honors someone else or has any other purpose. Some things just can't be all-inclusive.

OP, I agree with the PPs who advise finding out more details about the situation, and declining if this is supposed to also be a birthday party for someone as well as a rehearsal dinner.

lilacck28 · June 2014

lc07 said:

**Stuck in the damn box**

I don't see how her FMIL's excitement is being "snatched back". I agree with you that you can celebrate two happy events at one time. Sure, it may be disappointing that FMIL doesn't appear to be excited about the wedding if you had hoped she would be. But some people just won't be excited about your wedding. FMIL is being generous in hosting a rehearsal dinner. They will also be celebrating a birthday at the same time. I don't see how this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

ALSO STUCK IN THE BOX GRR

My point was not that FMIL's excitement was actually snatched back, rather that's how OP seemed to be percieving the situation.

lc07 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Then I don't see what the problem could possibly be for it to be a rehearsal dinner/birthday party?

Depends on who's invited. It's not appropriate to invite anyone to a wedding-related side event like a rehearsal dinner who is not invited to the wedding, so it's not appropriate to combine rehearsal dinners with birthday parties when there will be guests who are not invited to the wedding.

And it's also not appropriate to bait-and-switch. If you've told a bridal couple that you are hosting a rehearsal dinner, then it's not appropriate to then indicate that this same occasion also honors someone else or has any other purpose. Some things just can't be all-inclusive.

OP, I agree with the PPs who advise finding out more details about the situation, and declining if this is supposed to also be a birthday party for someone as well as a rehearsal dinner.

Jen, the guest list was a concern for me as well. But OP followed up saying :

-----

Thanks, ladies. I think I will have my FI ask her and find out more details. I was just a little taken aback, and I wasn't entirely sure how to process the entire situation. The guest list is only family and the wedding party because it is a "destination" for them, so I am not worried so much about that. I just thought it was funny because she hadn't said anything to us about the birthday part. I love my future father in-law, and I don't mind, but I wasn't exactly sure how to approach the situation.

-----

I personally, think it would be rude to host an event on someone's birthday, invite them to that event, and not acknowledge their birthday.

@lilacck28 gotcha. That makes sense. Also, stupid boxes.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

It's one thing to acknowledge his birthday, which should be done, and to change the event from a RD to a birthday party. We don't know that it is in fact his birthday - it might just be near his birthday. And we don't know that it will just be an acknowledgement or a co-celebration. What if in fact she told the B&G it's a RD when she really just planned on it being a birthday party? That is a problem. Many B&G use the RD to give the WP gifts, say thank yous, etc. If the party is no longer "wedding related" how does one work that in?

OP said that FBIL said FMIL is "planning to turn our rehearsal dinner into a birthday party for my FI's stepfather" - to me, that sounds like no more RD and only birthday party. She is hearing it second hand, so OP, you ABSOLUTELY need to have FI talk to his mother. If she is in fact planning on ONLY doing birthday stuff, then you need to decline and host your own RD so you can properly thank your WP for participating in the rehearsal.

Also, I think the Co-party thing is an issue for the folks from the Bride's side. If I was in a WP on the Bride's side, and really only knew the groom and no one from his family, and there was a song and cake for his father's b-day I'd think that was sweet. If I was at a RD that was also acting as an actual birthday party - not just an acknowledgement of the birthday but meant to be an actual party in celebration of the birthday instead of just an RD - I would feel SUPER awkward. I don't know this person. I thought I was here for B&G and now I am forced to celebrate the birthday of someone I don't know all evening? Again, one thing to have a quick "happy Birthday" and some cake (because who doesn't want cake, right?) but entirely another to make the EVENT about the birthday person, in addition or in place of the B&G. VERY awkward for bride's guests. And Groom's guests who don't know FSFIL well.

lilacck28 · June 2014

@ladyamanuet I totally agree. OP needs to have the ability to thank her wedding party if she is actually doing a rehearsal. If it was just a "night before the wedding" dinner with no rehearsal, then she could thank them individually and without a meal at another time.

The main purpose of my post, though perhaps it did not come across well, was encouraging the OP not to take any of this too personally/ let her disappointment get the best of her. I would totally understand if she did. I would be upset if my FMIL turned the RD into a birthday party too. But I think it's important to not let that disappointment color her relationship with her future in laws, and remember that though it may seem like a personal slight, it was probably (hopefully) not intended that way.

Jen4948 · June 2014

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Then I don't see what the problem could possibly be for it to be a rehearsal dinner/birthday party?

Depends on who's invited. It's not appropriate to invite anyone to a wedding-related side event like a rehearsal dinner who is not invited to the wedding, so it's not appropriate to combine rehearsal dinners with birthday parties when there will be guests who are not invited to the wedding.

And it's also not appropriate to bait-and-switch. If you've told a bridal couple that you are hosting a rehearsal dinner, then it's not appropriate to then indicate that this same occasion also honors someone else or has any other purpose. Some things just can't be all-inclusive.

OP, I agree with the PPs who advise finding out more details about the situation, and declining if this is supposed to also be a birthday party for someone as well as a rehearsal dinner.

Jen, the guest list was a concern for me as well. But OP followed up saying :
-----
Thanks, ladies. I think I will have my FI ask her and find out more details. I was just a little taken aback, and I wasn't entirely sure how to process the entire situation. The guest list is only family and the wedding party because it is a "destination" for them, so I am not worried so much about that. I just thought it was funny because she hadn't said anything to us about the birthday part. I love my future father in-law, and I don't mind, but I wasn't exactly sure how to approach the situation.
-----

I personally, think it would be rude to host an event on someone's birthday, invite them to that event, and not acknowledge their birthday.

@lilacck28 gotcha. That makes sense. Also, stupid boxes.

Acknowleging a birthday is one thing, but it is not appropriate to totally take over an occasion in someone else's honor with a different purpose to do that.

I also don't agree that not acknowledging the other occasions of anyone else present at a rehearsal dinner or other event is rude. There are only 365 or 366 days in the year, depending on whether or not it's a leap year, and so every single day it is likely to be the birthday or anniversary of someone else present. Just as we tell kids that not every occasion they or their parents get invited to is about them, so do adults need to accept that even when it's their own birthday, they are not entitled to have it "acknowledged" at any other event they attend. Don't get me wrong: it is certainly nice and gracious for the hosts and other honorees to do so. But I don't think it's required by way of politeness. And the person whose birthday or anniversary it is may not be okay with having their own event "acknowledged" at someone else's occasion.

phira · June 2014

Okay, so when I first read about this, I was thinking, "They come up with a guest list for the rehearsal dinner, and those are the people invited, and it's also a birthday party," which is really still inappropriate. But now that I know it's, "They come up with a guest list for the rehearsal dinner AND a separate one for the birthday party and invite both guest lists," NOPE NO THANKS.

LadyBelle11 · June 2014

lilacck28--I think you sort of hit the nail on the head of how I was feeling without me being able to personally put it into words. This entire time my FMIL has been a bit, er, I don't know if negative is the way to put it, but definitely less than enthusiastic. My FI is the last of six children, and she keeps saying things like, "well, we've done this five other times, so it's really no big deal for us" and making comments about how all of the things we are doing are a waste of money, etc. It's been a little bit hurtful, and I feel bad because it's made me a bit down and thus I've hurt my mom's feelings because I have been so worried about what my FMIL will say about every decision. I know, I shouldn't care, but I love her son and I want her to love me for him. I am also sad for him. She was a single mom when he was growing up, and I guess she never really threw birthday parties for him; yet, two of my FI's nephews have birthdays on our wedding day, so she wanted my mother and I to arrange a party for them back at the hotel while we were at the wedding (we are having an adults-only reception), which we did. I guess when she was so excited about the rehearsal dinner, I thought that was a sign of her being excited to help with the wedding; thus, when I found out she was excited because it was going to be doc's birthday, I felt a bit deflated. I probably sound ridiculous for wanting her approval so much> Please don't judge too much.

As for the birthday dinner/rehearsal dinner, my future father-in-law's birthday was at the end of May, but they wanted to do something for him since the whole family will be together for the wedding in July. I really want to make it clear that I am so grateful to them for even hosting that I'd be more than happy to sing happy birthday and such for him (he is so wonderful and good to us--from the beginning he has welcomed me into their family and he also raised my FI like his own son). My only hangup was that she was planning on doing it without telling us, and thus I wasn't sure how to bring it up. As an update, my FI talked to her and she is no longer planning to have the party for (my future sister-in-law spoke with her about it), but she has seemed a bit miffed. I am now wondering if it would be a nice gesture to get him a little cake or something---any thoughts? Thanks, ladies! This has been very therapeutic---so many emotions going into this whole day, and it's good to have all of your experience and wisdom to help maintain perspective!

lc07 · June 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

lilacck28--I think you sort of hit the nail on the head of how I was feeling without me being able to personally put it into words. This entire time my FMIL has been a bit, er, I don't know if negative is the way to put it, but definitely less than enthusiastic. My FI is the last of six children, and she keeps saying things like, "well, we've done this five other times, so it's really no big deal for us" and making comments about how all of the things we are doing are a waste of money, etc. It's been a little bit hurtful, and I feel bad because it's made me a bit down and thus I've hurt my mom's feelings because I have been so worried about what my FMIL will say about every decision. I know, I shouldn't care, but I love her son and I want her to love me for him. I am also sad for him. She was a single mom when he was growing up, and I guess she never really threw birthday parties for him; yet, two of my FI's nephews have birthdays on our wedding day, so she wanted my mother and I to arrange a party for them back at the hotel while we were at the wedding (we are having an adults-only reception), which we did. I guess when she was so excited about the rehearsal dinner, I thought that was a sign of her being excited to help with the wedding; thus, when I found out she was excited because it was going to be doc's birthday, I felt a bit deflated. I probably sound ridiculous for wanting her approval so much> Please don't judge too much.

As for the birthday dinner/rehearsal dinner, my future father-in-law's birthday was at the end of May, but they wanted to do something for him since the whole family will be together for the wedding in July. I really want to make it clear that I am so grateful to them for even hosting that I'd be more than happy to sing happy birthday and such for him (he is so wonderful and good to us--from the beginning he has welcomed me into their family and he also raised my FI like his own son). My only hangup was that she was planning on doing it without telling us, and thus I wasn't sure how to bring it up. As an update, my FI talked to her and she is no longer planning to have the party for (my future sister-in-law spoke with her about it), but she has seemed a bit miffed. I am now wondering if it would be a nice gesture to get him a little cake or something---any thoughts? Thanks, ladies! This has been very therapeutic---so many emotions going into this whole day, and it's good to have all of your experience and wisdom to help maintain perspective!

Hold on.

His birthday will have been two months in the past by the time the birthday party is being held AT your rehearsal dinner?

That birthday party ship sailed, FMIL. 2 freaking months? I change my tune and agree that this is a really odd thing.

MobKaz · June 2014

lc07 said:

LadyBelle11 said:

lilacck28--I think you sort of hit the nail on the head of how I was feeling without me being able to personally put it into words. This entire time my FMIL has been a bit, er, I don't know if negative is the way to put it, but definitely less than enthusiastic. My FI is the last of six children, and she keeps saying things like, "well, we've done this five other times, so it's really no big deal for us" and making comments about how all of the things we are doing are a waste of money, etc. It's been a little bit hurtful, and I feel bad because it's made me a bit down and thus I've hurt my mom's feelings because I have been so worried about what my FMIL will say about every decision. I know, I shouldn't care, but I love her son and I want her to love me for him. I am also sad for him. She was a single mom when he was growing up, and I guess she never really threw birthday parties for him; yet, two of my FI's nephews have birthdays on our wedding day, so she wanted my mother and I to arrange a party for them back at the hotel while we were at the wedding (we are having an adults-only reception), which we did. I guess when she was so excited about the rehearsal dinner, I thought that was a sign of her being excited to help with the wedding; thus, when I found out she was excited because it was going to be doc's birthday, I felt a bit deflated. I probably sound ridiculous for wanting her approval so much> Please don't judge too much.

As for the birthday dinner/rehearsal dinner, my future father-in-law's birthday was at the end of May, but they wanted to do something for him since the whole family will be together for the wedding in July. I really want to make it clear that I am so grateful to them for even hosting that I'd be more than happy to sing happy birthday and such for him (he is so wonderful and good to us--from the beginning he has welcomed me into their family and he also raised my FI like his own son). My only hangup was that she was planning on doing it without telling us, and thus I wasn't sure how to bring it up. As an update, my FI talked to her and she is no longer planning to have the party for (my future sister-in-law spoke with her about it), but she has seemed a bit miffed. I am now wondering if it would be a nice gesture to get him a little cake or something---any thoughts? Thanks, ladies! This has been very therapeutic---so many emotions going into this whole day, and it's good to have all of your experience and wisdom to help maintain perspective!

Hold on.

His birthday will have been two months in the past by the time the birthday party is being held AT your rehearsal dinner?

That birthday party ship sailed, FMIL. 2 freaking months? I change my tune and agree that this is a really odd thing.

FMIL asked you and your mother to arrange a hotel birthday party for HER two nephews? This is beyond odd, and I would argue downright inappropriate. @LadyBelle11, it sounds to me that you have been very gracious and tolerant. Don't let your generosity turn you into a doormat.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

Don't buy the man a cake or do anything else!!! His birthday was 2 months ago!!! Do nothing whatsoever about his birthday.

Senecaf · June 2014

Woah, his birthday was in May and your wedding is in July? Yeah she is nuts and rude.

Also, why would your mother and you need to arrange a bday party for the kids. They can do that as a family before the child free wedding with their parents. Or FMIL can do it herself when ever she wants.

Im sorry, I don't like this lady.

perdonami · June 2014

Im on board with PPs. Continue to be gracious and kind but not at your expense or turning into a door mat. FMIL is not acting supportive of your wedding at all.

OwningAHome1981 · June 2014

LadyBelle11 said:

My FILs have generously offered to host our rehearsal dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in the area. I was incredibly excited because it was really the first that they have shown a positive interest in the wedding. My FI just came home from visiting his brothers and has told me that his mother told his brother he is planning to turn our rehearsal dinner into a birthday party for my FI's stepfather. I am a little taken aback because she hasn't said anything about it to us when we've talked about it. I don't know how to deal with the news, and I am not sure if I should be upset or if I'm being selfish by feeling miffed because they are paying for it, and thus by that they can do whatever they want. Does anyone have advice about what I should do/how I should handle this?

Annoying but if you aren't paying you don't get a say. Really whoever pays makes the rules. That's how I feel anyway. You can certainly voice you concerns on the matter but it's not your place to demand or expect that they change the plan. Ultimately if they are paying and they want to turn it into a birthday party for the stepfather, then it's a birthday party for the stepfather and you can't do much about it.

You can of course decline the whole shebang altogether although some people will insist. (I tried to decline my bridal shower and I wasn't allowed to).

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

Man, I hate parents of grown ass children treating their birthday like a national holiday. Decline that shit if it's for real. That man should have been too embarrassed to accept that BS anyway.

Rehearsal dinner is now a birthday party?

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