Future In-Laws' Involvement

hhn229 · May 2014

So please bare with me. I am new to "the knot" and well, overall new to posting up discussions publicly but I have been under a great ordeal of stress and anxiety and feel like I desperately need an outlet. My fiancé proposed to me back in Feb/March and we are currently planning our wedding for this Dec. 2014. Very short notice, I know but if there's a will, there's a way, right? Plus, my future sis-in-law is an event/wedding planner so there shouldn't be a problem, right? .....My FI is a great man and is very close to his family. I want him to play an active role and be a part of the wedding planning. I feel that ever since we began the process, everyone has had an input on how MY wedding ought to be but myself. From my parents, to his family, to him and now his sister (FSIL). I feel I have been left out of the loop on discussions he and she have been having in regards to the wedding date and venue. I know they have nothing but good intentions but it does frustrate me that my own FI does not consult things with me before making decisions or fill me in on what he and his sister discuss. I feel my FSIL could consult with me as well since I am the bride but it's mainly discussions between my FI and my FSIL. We've had many issues on when in our wedding ought to be and I feel that as soon as my FI's family expresses their concern about how a particular wedding date would be inconvenient for them or if they don't like a certain place and so forth, my FI would immediately respond/make a decision without even discussing or consulting me first. He would immediately respond on both of our behalf and I'm left with this "caught-off-guard" expression/feeling. I have told him this bothers me and have asked him to include me and to let me know what they are talking about or planning. I found out that my FI and his sister have been researching venues, scheduling appointments, etc. yet neither one have filled me in on any of this. I feel like I do not have a voice. I'm sorry if this post seems jumbled and all over the place. I'm just extremely frustrated and don't know what to do.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

hhn229 said:

So please bare with me. I am new to "the knot" and well, overall new to posting up discussions publicly but I have been under a great ordeal of stress and anxiety and feel like I desperately need an outlet. My fiancé proposed to me back in Feb/March and we are currently planning our wedding for this Dec. 2014. Very short notice, I know but if there's a will, there's a way, right? Plus, my future sis-in-law is an event/wedding planner so there shouldn't be a problem, right? .....My FI is a great man and is very close to his family. I want him to play an active role and be a part of the wedding planning. I feel that ever since we began the process, everyone has had an input on how MY wedding ought to be but myself. From my parents, to his family, to him and now his sister (FSIL). I feel I have been left out of the loop on discussions he and she have been having in regards to the wedding date and venue. I know they have nothing but good intentions but it does frustrate me that my own FI does not consult things with me before making decisions or fill me in on what he and his sister discuss. I feel my FSIL could consult with me as well since I am the bride but it's mainly discussions between my FI and my FSIL. We've had many issues on when in our wedding ought to be and I feel that as soon as my FI's family expresses their concern about how a particular wedding date would be inconvenient for them or if they don't like a certain place and so forth, my FI would immediately respond/make a decision without even discussing or consulting me first. He would immediately respond on both of our behalf and I'm left with this "caught-off-guard" expression/feeling. I have told him this bothers me and have asked him to include me and to let me know what they are talking about or planning. I found out that my FI and his sister have been researching venues, scheduling appointments, etc. yet neither one have filled me in on any of this. I feel like I do not have a voice. I'm sorry if this post seems jumbled and all over the place. I'm just extremely frustrated and don't know what to do.

Is your FI marrying you or his sister? Because you have a FI problem.

You and he need to at the very least postpone wedding planning. And you need to sit down and have a come-to-Jesus conversation with him about what YOU AND HE want, not what his sister or his parents or your parents or your great-aunt Mildred wants. YOU AND HE.

Then you need to present a united front to his family and tell them, 'Well, we're sorry you don't like sunflowers/don't like that date/don't like our appetizers, but we do, and we're paying for this, so the subject is closed.'

Which is the other thing -- he who pays gets a say, so you and he need to be willing and able to pay for this ON YOUR OWN, without help from anyone.

hhn229 · May 2014

Thank you for your response and advice.My FI and I are paying the majority of the wedding and my parents offered to pay a portion as well, not anyone in his family. But because his sister is an event/wedding planner, I feel like she and his family have more say on how and when our wedding should be. It's quite frustrating! I bring it to his attention, asking whose wedding is this? That it is about him and I. There are moments where he gets upset, thinking I'm accusing something, and immediately gets defensive in regards to his family's wishes & intentions. I expressed to him recently how I'm stressed out about finding a venue and worried we might not find one. He responds with "don't worry, we'll find something" and then doesn't fill me in on anything else he and his sister are possibly discussing or planning. I am grateful that we have our own wedding planner, not worrying about paying her and have connections but I feel like the BRIDE (me, duh) isn't being consulted for anything, or at least not consulted directly. Instead, at times I feel like they impose what they would like onto me. I'm starting to think that maybe having my FSIL as the planner might not be such a great idea. How the heck am I suppose to resolve this peacefully? Oh, and I completely agree with you that this is a FI problem. But of course, his family comes first all the time, even before me, which pisses me off. Is it me just being irrational and unfair? My FIL are great people but I continue to feel that they (and my FI) don't realize how they always make their priorities more important above everyone else's.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

hhn229 said:

Thank you for your response and advice.My FI and I are paying the majority of the wedding and my parents offered to pay a portion as well, not anyone in his family. But because his sister is an event/wedding planner, I feel like she and his family have more say on how and when our wedding should be. It's quite frustrating! I bring it to his attention, asking whose wedding is this? That it is about him and I. There are moments where he gets upset, thinking I'm accusing something, and immediately gets defensive in regards to his family's wishes & intentions. I expressed to him recently how I'm stressed out about finding a venue and worried we might not find one. He responds with "don't worry, we'll find something" and then doesn't fill me in on anything else he and his sister are possibly discussing or planning. I am grateful that we have our own wedding planner, not worrying about paying her and have connections but I feel like the BRIDE (me, duh) isn't being consulted for anything, or at least not consulted directly. Instead, at times I feel like they impose what they would like onto me. I'm starting to think that maybe having my FSIL as the planner might not be such a great idea. How the heck am I suppose to resolve this peacefully? Oh, and I completely agree with you that this is a FI problem. But of course, his family comes first all the time, even before me, which pisses me off. Is it me just being irrational and unfair? My FIL are great people but I continue to feel that they (and my FI) don't realize how they always make their priorities more important above everyone else's.

This is a red flag. This will not change once you're married. You need to decide if you're content to live the rest of your life being second-fiddle to his family. It's neither irrational nor unfair to want to be your future husband's top priority. That's entirely reasonable.

But you should think long and hard about whether you want to marry a man who won't make you priority number one.

littlestmonkey · May 2014

Is the stress you've been under just related to the wedding planning, or do you have a lot of other stuff going on as well? If you have a lot of other stuff going on it might be that your FI sees the wedding planning as something he can take off your plate, which might also explain why he gets a bit touchy when you ask to be more involved - like he's seeing it as this gift he's giving to you so you don't have extra stress then it feels to him like you're complaining when he's trying to do something nice. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. I'm just wondering if that's how he could see it? I would try to talk to him again and talk about what you both want, and then suggest that you both sit down with his sister so she can help you create your vision.

*Barbie* · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
This is a red flag. This will not change once you're married. You need to decide if you're content to live the rest of your life being second-fiddle to his family. It's neither irrational nor unfair to want to be your future husband's top priority. That's entirely reasonable.

But you should think long and hard about whether you want to marry a man who won't make you priority number one.

^^^ ALL OF THIS ^^^

hhn229 · May 2014

@Emmaboyle: You are correct on my FI's intentions. The reason I know it to be true is because he's behaved similarly in the past. He would think that he can take something off my hands completely, take on the stress and figure it out so that I wouldn't have to worry. What he doesn't realize, which I have explained to him in the past, that although I am grateful for what he's done, I wish he would have involved/informed me. Maybe his profession would help explain why he reacts the way he does better: he's a psychologist. He takes me expressing how I feel as me "complaining" and unhappy with his intentions, becomes defensive and "hurt" by my "accusations".

Everyone's opinion in this discussion are absolutely valid and correct. I do NOT want to be 2nd to his family. I understand there will be times and circumstances when priorities shift but when it comes to my wedding, I should be the #1 priority. Oh, maybe I should also mention that I am of Asian decent and he is Caucasian so he and his family somewhat look at my family's customs and values a little bit....far-fetched. All of this wedding planing is just so frustrating. I mean I know it's a stressful process but shouldn't it be fun also? *sigh* Thank you all for your input.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

hhn229 said:

@Emmaboyle: You are correct on my FI's intentions. The reason I know it to be true is because he's behaved similarly in the past. He would think that he can take something off my hands completely, take on the stress and figure it out so that I wouldn't have to worry. What he doesn't realize, which I have explained to him in the past, that although I am grateful for what he's done, I wish he would have involved/informed me. Maybe his profession would help explain why he reacts the way he does better: he's a psychologist. He takes me expressing how I feel as me "complaining" and unhappy with his intentions, becomes defensive and "hurt" by my "accusations".

Everyone's opinion in this discussion are absolutely valid and correct. I do NOT want to be 2nd to his family. I understand there will be times and circumstances when priorities shift but when it comes to my wedding, I should be the #1 priority. Oh, maybe I should also mention that I am of Asian decent and he is Caucasian so he and his family somewhat look at my family's customs and values a little bit....far-fetched. All of this wedding planing is just so frustrating. I mean I know it's a stressful process but shouldn't it be fun also? *sigh* Thank you all for your input.

I think him "taking things off your hands" is controlling. Does he view you as an adult able to work through your life problems or a child who has to solve things for? I would be pissed if FI was doing this to me and he would be pissed if I was doing that to him.

When you work with your FI through things together, it is fun. Our only stress was finding a date we were happy with because we are picky and our schedules are limited.

The bolded line is awful and sound immature, and I honestly couldn't handle that. Are you in pre-marital counseling? We did that with our minister and were able to improve our communication skills.

kla728 · May 2014

hhn229 said:

Thank you for your response and advice.My FI and I are paying the majority of the wedding and my parents offered to pay a portion as well, not anyone in his family. But because his sister is an event/wedding planner, I feel like she and his family have more say on how and when our wedding should be. It's quite frustrating! I bring it to his attention, asking whose wedding is this? That it is about him and I. There are moments where he gets upset, thinking I'm accusing something, and immediately gets defensive in regards to his family's wishes & intentions. I expressed to him recently how I'm stressed out about finding a venue and worried we might not find one. He responds with "don't worry, we'll find something" and then doesn't fill me in on anything else he and his sister are possibly discussing or planning. I am grateful that we have our own wedding planner, not worrying about paying her and have connections but I feel like the BRIDE (me, duh) isn't being consulted for anything, or at least not consulted directly. Instead, at times I feel like they impose what they would like onto me. I'm starting to think that maybe having my FSIL as the planner might not be such a great idea. How the heck am I suppose to resolve this peacefully? Oh, and I completely agree with you that this is a FI problem. But of course, his family comes first all the time, even before me, which pisses me off. Is it me just being irrational and unfair? My FIL are great people but I continue to feel that they (and my FI) don't realize how they always make their priorities more important above everyone else's.

Did the bold cause anyone else to raise their eyebrows?

ETA: I mean, all of the PPs are on point. But this particular comment seemed off in a different manner...

zitiqueen · May 2014

So you'd be happy if he took your feelings into consideration for one day, but the rest of your life you come in third or even fourth place, after his family members' wishes are taken into consideration? That's your idea of a happy and successful marriage?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I think a psychologist should be a little more understanding about actual motives than your FI seems to be.

If I were you, I'd probably tell him, in no uncertain terms that you are not getting married to him at a wedding that is not planned by you and him (with maybe a little input from your parents who are helping to pay). Fire your SIL wedding planner now. She can help you with ideas, but she is not your wedding planner. If he doesn't listen, call off (postpone) the wedding. You can get married next spring or fall after he and his sister get their heads out of their asses and realize you want input on your own wedding.

hhn229 · June 2014

Thank you, everyone, for your comments & advice. I went to check out some venues this past weekend with my FI. Upon meeting the coordinators at the venues, I found out they had been communicating with my SIL, thinking I was informed of the proposals they had created prior to me arriving. I had no idea of any proposal they had created and when I saw it in person, I noticed that the email contact they had listed was that of my FSIL. She contacted them requesting information, asked them to place the dates we requested on hold, & so forth. Although it was nice of her to go ahead and do that, it really annoyed me that she did not notify me of this (nor anything else thus far, actually) so I was taken aback when questioned by the venues. I told the coordinators in front of my FI to add MY email, cause that wasn't mine and I would like to be informed and notified as I am the bride afterall. My FI is just such a "baby" and sensitive to all of this. He just does not get why I am bothered or upset when his sister "has nothing but good intentions and wants to help".

On another note, we ended up getting into a fight about WHEN our wedding should be since the original time frame he and I wanted conflicted with his family's scheduling (they will be on vacation with their in-laws and since it will be around Christmas....just isn't a good time for them). However, he and I decided December would be ideal before getting either one of our families involved. But since we have, both sides have been giving us some issues. My side finally backed down, agreeing December is best with their school & work schedules and they would make sacrifices to attend. Now his side keeps expressing their "concern" about how it is not "the best time for them" and might be best if we do it some other time. I feel as though they are being unreasonable, a bit selfish as they feel their sacrifices to attend our wedding be too great (that's how I feel, at least). My FI has been getting upset saying that MY family is being selfish and not taking his family into consideration. Saying that all his family has been doing is catering to MY family's wishes & demands and trying to meet MY wants (which is not true since my family has agreed to change the dates several times in December). I told him, "well I'm sorry you feel that way but I am the bride and weddings ARE usually more emphasized on the bride and her family. Plus, my family is helping to pay." *sigh* This is becoming messy and he is not trying to be understand at all. Originally, this was what HE AND I wanted & decided but now, he's saying it's only what my family and I want. Sorry for the rant again.

GBCK · June 2014

. My FI is just such a "baby" and sensitive to all of this. He just does not get why I am bothered or upset when his sister "has nothing but good intentions and wants to help".

...

I told him, "well I'm sorry you feel that way but I am the bride and weddings ARE usually more emphasized on the bride and her family. Plus, my family is helping to pay."

^That? That's a big-ass-honkin-issue. And it's not a wedding related issue, it's a relationship issue, and, assuming the 2 of you don't address it, it's going to be a marriage issue and either a divorce issue or a years of unhappiness issue.

Neither of you comes out of this smelling like roses. You pretend your family is allowed to overstep and he should be OK w/ it. He is picking the happiness of his family over your happiness. And you (both of you) aren't self sufficient enough to be living on your own, which makes these family choices all around impossible.

Delay the wedding. Use the money to 1) move out and 2) get good counseling.

hhn229 · June 2014

zitiqueen said:

So you'd be happy if he took your feelings into consideration for one day, but the rest of your life you come in third or even fourth place, after his family members' wishes are taken into consideration? That's your idea of a happy and successful marriage?

It definitely isn't my idea. Hence why I've been so worried. I've tried discussing my concerns with him but God forbid, anyone where to mention ANYTHING about his family, he gets fired up. I told him I am his equal and want to be viewed & treated as so. That at times, I understand his family does come first, but they shouldn't ALWAYS come first before me. I will be his WIFE...HIS FAMILY...HIS FUTURE.

GBCK · June 2014

(JIC)
hhn229 said:

Thank you, everyone, for your comments & advice. I went to check out some venues this past weekend with my FI. Upon meeting the coordinators at the venues, I found out they had been communicating with my SIL, thinking I was informed of the proposals they had created prior to me arriving. I had no idea of any proposal they had created and when I saw it in person, I noticed that the email contact they had listed was that of my FSIL. She contacted them requesting information, asked them to place the dates we requested on hold, & so forth. Although it was nice of her to go ahead and do that, it really annoyed me that she did not notify me of this (nor anything else thus far, actually) so I was taken aback when questioned by the venues. I told the coordinators in front of my FI to add MY email, cause that wasn't mine and I would like to be informed and notified as I am the bride afterall. My FI is just such a "baby" and sensitive to all of this. He just does not get why I am bothered or upset when his sister "has nothing but good intentions and wants to help".

On another note, we ended up getting into a fight about WHEN our wedding should be since the original time frame he and I wanted conflicted with his family's scheduling (they will be on vacation with their in-laws and since it will be around Christmas....just isn't a good time for them). However, he and I decided December would be ideal before getting either one of our families involved. But since we have, both sides have been giving us some issues. My side finally backed down, agreeing December is best with their school & work schedules and they would make sacrifices to attend. Now his side keeps expressing their "concern" about how it is not "the best time for them" and might be best if we do it some other time. I feel as though they are being unreasonable, a bit selfish as they feel their sacrifices to attend our wedding be too great (that's how I feel, at least). My FI has been getting upset saying that MY family is being selfish and not taking his family into consideration. Saying that all his family has been doing is catering to MY family's wishes & demands and trying to meet MY wants (which is not true since my family has agreed to change the dates several times in December). I told him, "well I'm sorry you feel that way but I am the bride and weddings ARE usually more emphasized on the bride and her family. Plus, my family is helping to pay." *sigh* This is becoming messy and he is not trying to be understand at all. Originally, this was what HE AND I wanted & decided but now, he's saying it's only what my family and I want. Sorry for the rant again.

JIC. NFT.

hhn229 · June 2014

GBCK said:

Neither of you comes out of this smelling like roses. You pretend your family is allowed to overstep and he should be OK w/ it. He is picking the happiness of his family over your happiness. And you (both of you) aren't self sufficient enough to be living on your own, which makes these family choices all around impossible.

Delay the wedding. Use the money to 1) move out and 2) get good counseling.

I agree with the counseling as I have asked him for it several times. And we are living on our own. His family don't even live near us. I've even suggested we just go to court and get married in our own terms. But he says because he it the eldest in his family and is viewed "a certain way", he has responsibilities as do I since we come from similar backgrounds. However, because I am Asian (cultural differences & expectations & being the eldest daughter), it causes issues.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

Red flags all over the place. Go straight to counseling. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Put this wedding OFF until a) FI has your back; b) his family learns boundaries or you develop the ability to keep them in check; c) you get your priorities straight regarding your relationship, future, and money.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2014

I'm starting to think that you should not postpone the wedding, but call it off permanently.

goingon10yrs · June 2014

Wow. I would return the ring, and move out. This is NOT ok.

When my H told my MIL before we got married that he could support them financially anymore, she flipped her lid. I hadn't met her yet (they weren't able to come to our wedding, and we were living long distance prior to the wedding), she called us on our honeymoon and called me all sorts of names, including gold digger. Which is so far from the truth, as my H works full time in retail, but since he cut them off (they'd rather spend their money on drugs and alcohol than rent and food) I was the gold digger.

If he can't see the two of you a a family unit, as the priority that is an issue. He should be consulting you on major decisions wedding related or not. And if he is in the mental health field, I would be even more concerned that he isn't taking your feelings into account, and is responding the way that he is.

Should you not return the ring, I would fire the FSIL, tell the ILs that their money isn't required, same for your parents. Have a wedding that you can pay for, on your own. Thus, their involvement is very limited. Tell the FSIL that you'd rather her be a guest at your wedding than have to work it.

Good luck, but after my almost 10 years of marriage, I'd run. He isn't going to change his tune. Think about this, when/if you have children, do you want his opinions and his families opinions to over rule your thoughts/ideas on parenting? On naming the child? On how you have the child?

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

GBCK said:

. My FI is just such a "baby" and sensitive to all of this. He just does not get why I am bothered or upset when his sister "has nothing but good intentions and wants to help".
...
I told him, "well I'm sorry you feel that way but I am the bride and weddings ARE usually more emphasized on the bride and her family. Plus, my family is helping to pay."
^That? That's a big-ass-honkin-issue. And it's not a wedding related issue, it's a relationship issue, and, assuming the 2 of you don't address it, it's going to be a marriage issue and either a divorce issue or a years of unhappiness issue.

Neither of you comes out of this smelling like roses. You pretend your family is allowed to overstep and he should be OK w/ it. He is picking the happiness of his family over your happiness. And you (both of you) aren't self sufficient enough to be living on your own, which makes these family choices all around impossible.

Delay the wedding. Use the money to 1) move out and 2) get good counseling.

This. You both sound immature and if you can't make decisions together, you won't be happy married. Yes SIL overstepped boundaries and he should have stuck up for you, but you are using your family agreeing with you to try to gang up on him about a date. You two need to pick a date that works best for you and VIPs. If VIPs are being unreasonable then they no long are VIPs. Work together for God's Sake. You are going to be married to him, not your family. Ditto to him. This whole situation is just ridiculous.

mrsmorales2be · June 2014

Wait...are you guys planning to get married THIS December? Oh, man.....

Please, consider postponing the wedding until you've gotten the pre-marital counseling you need, because there are red flags all over the place.

hhn229 · June 2014

So just a bit of more info, originally, he and I decided on the date we would like our wedding to be together. Both HE and I alone decided that we would like for it to be in December and chose a time frame that we thought would work best. But once we brought our ideas to our families, the problems came, wait, the EXTRA problems came, I should say. Now, the FI keeps telling his family and me that this was what I and my family wanted....to have the wedding in December, not what his family wants since it's the most inconvenient time for them. It's the constant argument (among others) that we've been having, he has forgotten that he and I are in this together. I've finally stood my ground with my family, and they have dramatically backed off, believe it or not. They are just waiting on my FI to give a date preference from his family. As am I since my FI keeps expressing how it needs to be convenient for his family as well. I've told him how it should be about me and him...not anyone else (however, taking our families into consideration) but then he calls me selfish and not taking into account his feelings. ANYWAY, everyone is right on saying how our problems obviously stems from something else. I've suggested therapy many times (he keeps coming up with excuses). We both are still very immature in handling certain matters. I am trying all that I can possible think of but I feel as if he won't budge from his "tunnel vision". He is refusing to stray from his path. What am I suppose to do with someone like that other than the obvious?? Frustrating & heartbreaking. Either way, thanks.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

hhn229 said:

So just a bit of more info, originally, he and I decided on the date we would like our wedding to be together. Both HE and I alone decided that we would like for it to be in December and chose a time frame that we thought would work best. But once we brought our ideas to our families, the problems came, wait, the EXTRA problems came, I should say. Now, the FI keeps telling his family and me that this was what I and my family wanted....to have the wedding in December, not what his family wants since it's the most inconvenient time for them. It's the constant argument (among others) that we've been having, he has forgotten that he and I are in this together. I've finally stood my ground with my family, and they have dramatically backed off, believe it or not. They are just waiting on my FI to give a date preference from his family. As am I since my FI keeps expressing how it needs to be convenient for his family as well. I've told him how it should be about me and him...not anyone else (however, taking our families into consideration) but then he calls me selfish and not taking into account his feelings. ANYWAY, everyone is right on saying how our problems obviously stems from something else. I've suggested therapy many times (he keeps coming up with excuses). We both are still very immature in handling certain matters. I am trying all that I can possible think of but I feel as if he won't budge from his "tunnel vision". He is refusing to stray from his path. What am I suppose to do with someone like that other than the obvious?? Frustrating & heartbreaking. Either way, thanks.

I'm late to this thread, sorry. But the bolded phrase makes me so, so sad for you. Being "in this together" is the whole point of marriage, and for you and Fi already to not be in it together is a deep problem.

It's hard, but I would call off the wedding and give back the ring. If you aren't ready to give up on the relationship, perhaps some time and counseling will help both of you. Or perhaps some time will give you perspective about what you really want.

Best wishes! This sounds like a really hard situation.

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