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Wedding Party

Delicate Situation - No groomsmen

I have 3 total bridesmaids and FI wants no groomsmen. This does not bother me, but it bothers my parents (who are paying for the wedding). My dad keeps pestering me telling me it is "weird" and that he thinks my brothers should be groomsmen. He says he even may tell my brothers they are groomsmen without FI's consent.

I'm not completely sure why FI doesn't want groomsmen. He has depression, so there's just some subjects I need to tread lightly with and this seems to be one of them. We talked about having his father and older brother before, but it was never a for sure thing. My dad told me I should just force him to have groomsmen by choosing them myself since it's "all about me anyway."

I hate that my parents/family seem to have this point of view. When I was asked why he didn't want them, I told them that I didn't know, which led into a whole conversation about how he and I "don't communicate/are going to have communication problems." It really frustrates me. We communicate fine - he said he didn't want them, I said okay and was fine with it. The only reason I want to ask him why or try and see if he would reconsider is because of my family. 

Any advice on how to handle this?

Re: Delicate Situation - No groomsmen

  • Tell your father you are both adults and quite capable of making your own decisions. The wedding party does not affect him.
  • krcb said:
    I have 3 total bridesmaids and FI wants no groomsmen. This does not bother me, but it bothers my parents (who are paying for the wedding). My dad keeps pestering me telling me it is "weird" and that he thinks my brothers should be groomsmen. He says he even may tell my brothers they are groomsmen without FI's consent.

    I'm not completely sure why FI doesn't want groomsmen. He has depression, so there's just some subjects I need to tread lightly with and this seems to be one of them. We talked about having his father and older brother before, but it was never a for sure thing. My dad told me I should just force him to have groomsmen by choosing them myself since it's "all about me anyway."

    I hate that my parents/family seem to have this point of view. When I was asked why he didn't want them, I told them that I didn't know, which led into a whole conversation about how he and I "don't communicate/are going to have communication problems." It really frustrates me. We communicate fine - he said he didn't want them, I said okay and was fine with it. The only reason I want to ask him why or try and see if he would reconsider is because of my family. 

    Any advice on how to handle this?
    Frankly, you need to tell your parents to back off.  It's really not any of their business, even if they are paying for the wedding.



  • Your FI is incredibly brilliant. He is saving himself from any WP drama AND, if he wants them later, he can always add them. Tell your dad that he can have input on the reception as he's paying, but the WP and ceremony are up to two people only.
  • Tell your father that the only person with input into whether or not there are groomsmen, and who they are, in any wedding is the groom. 

    Not you, not your father, not any other member of your family or your FI's family.  Just your FI.
  • Now that you're getting married, you and your fiancé are a team. Stand up for him and tell your dad to back off. This isn't his decision to make, and his comments about your communication are out of line.
  • Sorry, I am of a split mind on this one. I favor having all siblings as part of the bridal party.  To me, this represents the union of two families, and I really don't care if sides are even or not.  People who count bridal party members while they are attending the wedding really need something better to focus on.  However, if your FI is really against GMs then that is his right.  Maybe he does not want to be surrounded by a group of guys hovering or indulging just before he walks down the aisle.  Maybe he does not want to deal with a bachelor party.  It might help you, not your father, if YOU knew the reasons.  If those are the reasons, maybe he could live with your brothers being "brides men" that way he does not have to deal with them just prior to the wedding.
  • If you and FI are comfortable with no groomsmen, then you need to tell your Dad to back off. Tell him it's your wedding, and you and FI are both fine with not having groomsmen.

    And in response to the "it's all about you" comment, I would have told him that, "No, it is OUR wedding, so it is all about me AND FI.  And I want FI to be happy and have input in OUR wedding day also. Whom to include as groomsmen is his choice, he is choosing to have none, and I support that choice 100%.  While we value your opinion, FI prefers to stick with no groomsmen for now and we would appreciate it if you could respect that choice".

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  • I think both sides are being overly dramatic. The father is being an ass though, turning something so arbitrary into a declaration of relationship health. Is he normally prone to this level of soap opera?



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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Sorry, I am of a split mind on this one. I favor having all siblings as part of the bridal party.  To me, this represents the union of two families, and I really don't care if sides are even or not.  People who count bridal party members while they are attending the wedding really need something better to focus on.  However, if your FI is really against GMs then that is his right.  Maybe he does not want to be surrounded by a group of guys hovering or indulging just before he walks down the aisle.  Maybe he does not want to deal with a bachelor party.  It might help you, not your father, if YOU knew the reasons.  If those are the reasons, maybe he could live with your brothers being "brides men" that way he does not have to deal with them just prior to the wedding.
    Being related by blood doesn't privilege a relationship.
    Anniversary
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    phira said:
    Sorry, I am of a split mind on this one. I favor having all siblings as part of the bridal party.  To me, this represents the union of two families, and I really don't care if sides are even or not.  People who count bridal party members while they are attending the wedding really need something better to focus on.  However, if your FI is really against GMs then that is his right.  Maybe he does not want to be surrounded by a group of guys hovering or indulging just before he walks down the aisle.  Maybe he does not want to deal with a bachelor party.  It might help you, not your father, if YOU knew the reasons.  If those are the reasons, maybe he could live with your brothers being "brides men" that way he does not have to deal with them just prior to the wedding.
    Being related by blood doesn't privilege a relationship.
    This.  There have been times when my brother and I were not on speaking terms, and had I gotten engaged and married during one of those times, I would not have felt obligated to include my brother in my wedding party.  Nor would I have appreciated being told I was "obligated" to include my brother just because he was my brother.

    And had we had a completely negative relationship growing up, anyone telling me I had to include my brother because he was my brother would have gotten an earful from me about minding their own f-ing business.

    At least at the present things are fine between us, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him.
  • Sorry, did not mean to start a rant.  I did not say anybody HAD to include siblings, I said that it is an idea that I FAVOR.  Again, I think that, when possible, the full union of two families is a nice, symbolic gesture.  Sadly, when some parents pay for their children's weddings, they turn it into their own party, not the bride and groom's day, which is what this father seems to be doing.  I can recall many times my mother referred to my wedding as "MY wedding" meaning herself.  I did not do that to my daughter at all.  These days, when my son's wonderful FMIL calls to ask my opinion on wedding details, my response is "What does BRIDE think of it?".  I am also thrilled that they are having all siblings in the bridal party. My SIL chose not to, as was his right.
  • Shit my brother isn't even invited, let alone in the WP.

    Tell your dad to butt out.

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