Am I being a baby? (non-wedding related)

BlackLace2015 · June 2014

So my fiancé has this friend. She was best friends with his ex but they now hate each other because his ex neglected the kids and left the family and she just couldn't stand it. His kids call her "auntie" and she comes over to babysit frequently, for which he always pays her.They don't hang out aside from maybe a few minutes when she comes over to babysit. Ocassionally she also watches my son if the two of us have a date night. I have been friends with her on fb for about 8 months now, and just realized she unfriended me without a word. I know FB isn't real life but I was hurt by this. I was actually trying to tag and thank her again for watching the kids. I asked her if there was an issue, to which she replied "Yeah I did that a while ago. Didn't really think we were friends".

Okay. I understand you don't really need to be fb friends with everyone you know but to get the brushoff like that just seemed kind of unnecesary and the way she stated it with no regard for my feelings makes me pretty uncomfortable. Fi and I and all the kids are moving in together next month so you would think if she expects to be welcome in my home? Should I just suck it up and continue as normal or should I interpret this as a bad thing?

KatWAG · June 2014

I think you are letting facebook play way too big of a role in your life.

All that matters is this woman is nice and respectful to you, your fi, and the kids.

BlackLace2015 · June 2014

If it were me I would have at least apologized or stated that I didn't mean any offense. Obviously I was expressing concern that there might be an issue and she offered no re-assurance it just seems very unfriendly for someone who doesn't have a problem?

KatieinBkln · June 2014

She sounds like she might be a bit of a cold fish. Or maybe she just doesn't do a lot of Facebooking so she didn't think it would matter so much. I guess I would try not to take it to heart--if she had some ulterior motive for unfriending you it's on her to be an adult and let you know. Operate on the assumption that she's just a little less tactful on social media than you're accustomed to and try not to think about it. For what it's worth, I think unfriending is a confrontational move as well, especially since you can just as easily block someone's content without them ever knowing, but again, not everyone is Facebook savvy or even thinks it's worth expending any (real) social energy on.

ETA: I do NOT think you're being a baby; just wanted to present another way of looking at the facts that might make you feel better.

KatWAG · June 2014

You cant force her to apologize. She might not consider what she did as hurtful. You already asked her if there was an issue, and she didnt state one. So I would let it be. There is no sense in making an issue out of something that is most likely nothing. If things deteriorate further, then have your fi talk to her.

wandajune6 · June 2014

I don't think you're being a baby. My feelings would be hurt too. However, it isn't worth making a fuss over. She's made your relationship clear and know you know where you stand.

FI reminded me of something useful the other day: not everyone needs to like you. One of his former classmates if friends with a lot of his buddies. They're not really friends but the guy is include whenever we have gatherings. He and I clash pretty massively. FI agreed to exclude him going forward but reminded me that it's not the end of the world if someone dislikes me or is indifferent.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I do think it's a little weird that her response was "I didn't think we were friends". But, if you don't hang out with her without FI, and if the most contact you have with her is as a babysitter, then her reasoning is sound. She likely wouldn't think of you as a friend if you really only use her as a babysitter. If it bothers you, I would start making an effort to be her friend.

If you do hang out without FI and see her outside of her babysitting, then I do think that was a very odd and somewhat cold response to your question, and if it were me, I would assume she was lying. Because if you hang out together in a manner friends do, and she randomly unfriended you and told you that she didn't think you were friends when your relationship indicates that you ARE..... then I would assume she's mad about something and being childish about it instead of just talking to you about it.

ETA: From rereading your initial post, it sounds like you think she is a lovely person who cares for your future step children. But it also sounds like the only capacity she has in your life and in FI's life is as a babysitter. If you want to change that, make the effort to do so. Invite her out without the kids. But if you don't care to, then she's right, you're not friends. As a parent, if you would like to be her friend on FB so you can see her posts while she's watching your kids, then that is something to discuss with her. But I think a nanny-cam is easier

AddieCake · June 2014

I would wonder about it since she is part of your life.

smalfrie19 · June 2014

I wouldn't get worked up about it. I am not friends with people my FI is friends with on FB. Even people we have had in our home...Some people are particular about who is on their FB and what not. I am one of those people. I think you are overreacting

BlackLace2015 · June 2014

Well to me she is just a babysitter but to the kids she is like family. But since I will now be the main mother figure of the family in the home (like I said the mother of his kids isn't even very involved) I was hoping to keep a good friendly relationship with her. My fi and I don't have much time to socialize so I don't see us hanging out with her outside of some casual small talk around the house but I just feel very awkward about it now, which is a shame. I feel as if we are taking a step backwards? Maybe it will just take time for me to get over it. Thanks ladies.

JMalettas · June 2014

I could understand feeling a little upset about it. We had a situation not too long ago, where someone unfriended me, but not my H. (Back story: Our ring bearers grandma wanted to walk him down the aisle, and we said no, as we were having his dad start him down. (His dad being in our wedding party). Honestly, (& not that I repeated this), it was because she dresses like a slob all the time, and we didn't want her wearing something crazy, and it being in our wedding video. Not to mention, she was *not* invited to our wedding, and asked if she could come, and also bring her 3 foster children to the ceremony, like a week before the wedding. (We had a no-kids wedding). So, I told my SIL this, who relayed it to her mother, who immediately deleted me from FB, *but* kept my H added, as I guess she figured it was only me who didn't want her there?? Yes, I was definitely annoyed.

Anyways, related topic being said, it's probably best to just let it go. I'd definitely wonder why she felt the need to delete you. Especially if she's a family friend. So maybe mention it to your FI? See if she's said anything to him? If not, I'd probably let it go. After all, it *is* Facebook. If you don't feel comfortable having her in your shared home, then don't. I wouldn't base that off of her 'unfriending' you though.

*J

Dignity100 · June 2014

I would let it go.

I've been unfriended by co-workers who really were friends because they mentioned something about work on FB and work found out and they got in trouble for it.

I've been unfriended by others who were going through divorce and ended up unfriending EVERYBODY except family because it was their lawyers recommendation to remove all social media accounts so their ex couldn't watch what they were doing.

I've been unfriended by others for various reasons as well. There might be something going on in her personal life that she just doesn't want people that are just acquaintances in on.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I saw something today that made me think of this thread. It said "You could be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world.... and there would still be someone who hates peaches."

Sometimes you just have to accept that no matter what, some people aren't going to like you. I have a lot of trouble with this myself, because I am a people pleaser. But I also know I can come off as a bit intense, and inappropriate, and other such things. So I am trying to be ever more grateful for the friends I have, and shrug off those who don't "get me". It's a process, but I'm getting better at it.

beethery · June 2014

ladyamanuet said:

I saw something today that made me think of this thread. It said "You could be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world.... and there would still be someone who hates peaches."

Sometimes you just have to accept that no matter what, some people aren't going to like you. I have a lot of trouble with this myself, because I am a people pleaser. But I also know I can come off as a bit intense, and inappropriate, and other such things. So I am trying to be ever more grateful for the friends I have, and shrug off those who don't "get me". It's a process, but I'm getting better at it.

I don't know if Dita came up with that statement originally, but good on her for popularizing it, because that shit might as well be the gospel. It is accurate as hell.

BlackLace2015 · June 2014

ladyamanuet said:

I saw something today that made me think of this thread. It said "You could be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world.... and there would still be someone who hates peaches."

Sometimes you just have to accept that no matter what, some people aren't going to like you. I have a lot of trouble with this myself, because I am a people pleaser. But I also know I can come off as a bit intense, and inappropriate, and other such things. So I am trying to be ever more grateful for the friends I have, and shrug off those who don't "get me". It's a process, but I'm getting better at it.

That is actually one of my favorite quotes of all time, but I obviously have trouble following it, haha. I was just hoping it was a specific reason that was a misunderstanding we could discuss. I really wasn't expecting her to be so abrupt but she doesn't strike me as the most sociable person anyway. No hard feelings on my end I just don't think it was a very good "move" on her part seeing as I could (as other posters have said) easily get a new babysitter if I wanted to. I don't feel great about the next time we see each other but that's my problem and I'll get over it. Thanks everyone!

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

Sounds she is more of an employee of your husbands since she is the paid babysitter for the family. I've unfriended or set privacy settings for most of my acquaintances because I just don't want them to know to much about my life.

I get being offended, but I wouldn't put too much thought into it after that.

Am I being a baby? (non-wedding related)

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