My mom ruined my dad's funeral for me...

Re: My mom ruined my dad's funeral for me...

• Blue & White member

  

  June 2014

  I was going to recommend counseling so I'm glad you've taken steps to start that up. Perhaps you can try a grief support group in the meantime? You should be able to google one in your area.
  
  Unfortunately I don't have a ton of good advice regarding your feelings except that it always helps t acknowledge feelings as real even if they're off the wall. Acknowledging them gives you a bit more of a chance to process them.
  
  Lots of hugs too. I know they don't help a ton but you definitely need some!

  I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  June 2014

  Thanks blue, maybe I can find a support group that fits into my schedule. Thanks for the hugs, too. I appreciate it.
  

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  Hugs, @psychbabe314. I agree with PP that your feelings are real and should be acknowledged as such.

  

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  June 2014

  I want to acknowledge my feelings, but I want my mom to acknowledge them too. I know I can't force her too, you can't control other people, but a simple "I'm sorry," or just a hug that doesn't come with some sort of "You should feel worse for me" remark is what gets me. I understand that she lost her ex-husband (they had only been divorced 6 months) but I lost my dad too and she is so self-centered that she can't look past her own nose.
  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  June 2014

  Agree with PP. Feel what you feel. Despite the theory surrounding it, I think we all grieve in different ways or rather, in a way that is specific to our personalities and the situation. Also, feeling numb/ blocking traumatic things out is a pretty normal reaction. When my mom had cancer years ago, I felt pretty numb. And I'm told that I helped her quite a bit while she was sick and recovering, but my memory is really pretty blank when it comes to that time period. 

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  June 2014

  lilacck28, I guess it concerns me because it doesn't feel like the other times I've lost someone. Usually, it hurts constantly, a physical pain. and crying... lots of crying by myself. When I'm driving, or in my room... this just feels strange to me?
  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  I bet talking it out with a therapist will help, but I wouldn't necessarily worry about feeling differently this time around. Every situation surrounding loss or trauma... or anything! is different. Your father is a different person, and  you had a different relationship with him than with the other people you have lost. Grieving differently reflects that. And I have no idea what your relationship with your father was, or what your mother did to anger you, but feeling angry is also part of grief. Focusing on something that has an understandable answer (your mother did something wrong,or you perceive she did something wrong, therefore you are angry with her. cause and effect) rather than the mysterious nature of death or putting into a box your probably complex feelings about your father is part of our way of both processing and protecting our psyche.

  
  

   This, of course, comes from the opinion of someone who is not at all trained or educated in psychology, so grain of salt. 

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  
  

  lilacck28 said:

  I bet talking it out with a therapist will help, but I wouldn't necessarily worry about feeling differently this time around. Every situation surrounding loss or trauma... or anything! is different. Your father is a different person, and  you had a different relationship with him than with the other people you have lost. Grieving differently reflects that. And I have no idea what your relationship with your father was, or what your mother did to anger you, but feeling angry is also part of grief. Focusing on something that has an understandable answer rather than the mysterious nature of death is part of our way of both processing and protecting our psyche.

  
  

   This, of course, comes from the opinion of someone who is not at all trained or educated in psychology, so grain of salt. 

  Makes sense...
  
  Also... what did my mom do to upset me? I think a list is better...
  
  1. She started telling my younger siblings (I'm 22, But a  20, 17, and 15 year old live with her) to remember that you need to put God first, then your husband, and then your children. My sister, 17, called me in tears after my mom dropped her off at school and said that to her two days after my dad died. We are not religious. Never have been.
  
  2. She started to tell me and my siblings that we "don't understand. I lost my husband." She then pointedly looked at me and says "You won't understand until you lose FI." I was so mad.
  
  3. She decided to forgo my dad's wishes and to have an extremely religious ceremony with several passage readings, two members of a church choir singing religious songs, and communion.
  
  4. She played a song that meant something for her. Not the song that my siblings and I choose.
  
  5. She had an open casket. this may not sound like a big deal, but I can't do caskets w/ bodies. She literally dragged me in front of one when I was little and I never was able to go to one again. I can stand outside, maybe in the back of the room. But she forced me away from my siblings when they needed me the most.
  
  6. She said I was treating her like shit and continues with "don't forget, that your dad's life insurance policy goes through me and that you have one semester of school left to pay for."
  
  Honestly, the list can go on!!!!
  
  She treated me like shit. She lost her husband, the man she divorced 6 months before. I lost my dad. When her dad died, my dad pulled me aside and told me that losing your father is the hardest thing that someone can go through and that I had to be strong for her.
  
  I'm tired of being the one that has to put their feelings last in my family.
  I'm tired of her acting like a child.
  I'm hate everything she has done these past two months.
  
  My mom sold our family home. Our family dog got hit by a car on April 11th, and who had to deal with it? She was in another state starting a new job. I had to go and make sure the kids were alright. I had to take care of the aftermath of that. Then, we lost our dad. And I'm sorry... but that was too much. I'm tired, stressed, and all I want is for her to turn back the clock and give a shit about more than herself. She may eventually get remarried. But, he is the only dad I will ever have.
  
  Sorry... big rant :-(
  

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• CLoGreenEyes member

  

  June 2014

  I love what @lilacck28 had to say. Losing a parent, especially one with whom your relationship was complicated, is hard enough - you don't need to feel like you *should* be reacting in a certain way. It makes it extra hard that your mom doesn't seem to be able to help you grieve in the way that you want.

  I think you just need to be extra kind to yourself, and seek out support from those family and friends who are able to be there for you right now. I'm glad to hear you'll also be getting some counseling, even if school makes it hard to get that support right away. Maybe in the meantime you could try other ways to get your feelings moving? I know that when I am numb or avoiding my feelings about a situation, journaling helps me mobilize them. It makes it easier to talk about things when the time comes, because I already have some of the words I need.

  I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing right now. This is the opposite of an ideal situation on sooooo many levels, and I'm sending you a ton of hugs and vibes. Time will do its thing, and you WILL feel better. Hang in there. 

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• CLoGreenEyes member

  

  June 2014

  OK, just read your post about your mom. Just...damn. *Extra tight hug* That's so much all at once, and your mom being so unsupportive of how you and your siblings need to grieve is absolutely making it worse. I have no advice, so this is pretty much a useless extra post, but...just wanted to say I feel for you.

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  June 2014

  
  

  CLoGreenEyes said:

  I love what @lilacck28 had to say. Losing a parent, especially one with whom your relationship was complicated, is hard enough - you don't need to feel like you *should* be reacting in a certain way. It makes it extra hard that your mom doesn't seem to be able to help you grieve in the way that you want.

  I think you just need to be extra kind to yourself, and seek out support from those family and friends who are able to be there for you right now. I'm glad to hear you'll also be getting some counseling, even if school makes it hard to get that support right away. Maybe in the meantime you could try other ways to get your feelings moving? I know that when I am numb or avoiding my feelings about a situation, journaling helps me mobilize them. It makes it easier to talk about things when the time comes, because I already have some of the words I need.

  I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing right now. This is the opposite of an ideal situation on sooooo many levels, and I'm sending you a ton of hugs and vibes. Time will do its thing, and you WILL feel better. Hang in there. 

  Thanks for the hugs. Actually, writing on here is nice and I am trying to make time for some horse activities. Even just a bit of grooming helps.
  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  More hugs. I had a dream once that my parents got divorced because my father converted and became an Evangelical Christian. I woke up crying hysterically. And that was just a dream that was incredibly farcical. I'm really sorry your mother is being difficult and acting so foreign on top of your loss. Finding things that calm you (you mentioned horse grooming) is great.  

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• blabla89 member

  

  June 2014

  Sending you extra big hugs, psychbabe. I went through a similar thing with my grandma after my mom passed away. It hurt so much, and still kind of does, but it heals with time. I promise.
  
  I think therapy will help a lot with understanding and processing all of your feelings. The bottom line is that you can't let it eat you up. Be kind to your self in this difficult time, and surround yourself with people who support and care for you.
  

  

  
  
  

  
  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  June 2014

  *hugs* The PPs have already given you great advice so I just want to say that you'll be in my thoughts.

  
  

  
  

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• Simply Fated member

  

  June 2014

  Holy crap is your mom out of line. I totally get that she is probably just grieving in her own way, but she's keeping you from grieving in your own way, too. Heaven knows what your younger siblings are going through, being at home with her and all.
  
  
  Try not to take anything she says to heart. My aunt said something similar to me... she said something like, "I know you're upset, but your uncle and father lost a mother. You only lost a grandmother. You shouldn't be this upset." Like, seriously? Who says shit like that? Crazy people, that's who.
  
  
  As for the open casket... I have no words. I've been to two wakes in my life and seeing a dead body in front of me has never been helpful. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you to see your father there.... especially knowing it wasn't what he wanted.
  
  
  Does it help you to know that he loved you, no matter what choices your mother made for his funeral? Probably not. I'm sorry. I never know the right thing to say. My heart hurts for you and I hope you have good luck with your counselor. 
  

  
  

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• Swazzle member

  

  June 2014

  I am so, so sorry for your loss and for what you're dealing with from your mother. That is just awful. PP's have had terrific advice and I agree with what they've said. I'm sending great big hugs your way and you'll be in my thoughts

  
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  June 2014

  I'm so sorry for your loss and all that has happened recently within your family. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. 

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• buddysmom80 member

  

  June 2014

  I'm sorry to hear what happened. PP have given you excellent advice!

   

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• labro member

  

  June 2014

  Big hugs! I'm so sorry for everything you are having to go through right now....and especially for the loss of your dad. I hope counseling helps and that you and your siblings can find love and support in each other.

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  June 2014

  I'm sorry you're going through all this @psychbabe314. My H lost his dad in January this year and I just lost my grandfather last week, so I've seen firsthand what grieving looks like from a number of perspectives recently.

  I don't want to make excuses for your mother's behavior, but everyone experiences grief differently. It's a very personal process and usually people who are grieving are not at their best. I am sorry your mother is not a comfort to you now, and I'm sorry that your siblings are struggling too - they are lucky to have a big sister looking out for them.

  My MIL is not handling her grief well. She has told H many times "You just don't get it", "You didn't lose a spouse", "It's different for me". She hasn't been able to sleep in a bed yet, she keeps her schedule jam packed so she doesn't have to think about things and she's extremely impatient with everyone. My MIL has always been the most kind and generous person I know - So this is a complete 180 for her. H hasn't been handling this new side of his mom very well. He finally decided to try counseling and it's really been helping. I'm so glad you have an appointment - It's made a HUGE difference for H to have someone to talk to about what he's feeling.

  Overall I guess I just wanted to say that the most important thing you can do right now is to have patience with everyone. A death in the family puts strain on all relationships and patience seems to run thin at these times. The more you can remember that people are lashing out and acting differently because they are hurting - the less personal their behavior will feel.

  Hope this helps in some small way. Hugs!

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• eilis1228 member

  

  June 2014

  First of all, I am SO sorry that you're going through this. Losing a parent, regardless of the type of relationship you had, is truly awful. The grief that follows is just...surreal. I had a very complicated relationship with my father, and he died very suddenly 5 years ago. I remember feeling numb and not knowing how to process the news or how to feel since we had grown so distant. Everything about that experience seems to have been rooted in confusion. I really wish I had some sage words of wisdom to impart, but honestly, all I could do was take it day by day and spend a lot of time reflecting on my dad, my feelings, etc.

  
  

  I will say that my stepmother handled it all very strangely. Since the memorial, she's actually cut me out completely. She rarely speaks to me, even at family events, and when she does, she's very cold. I guess that's her way of grieving, and while it upsets me that I'm somehow the scapegoat, I recognize that everyone grieves in their own way. Your mom's actions may just be her way of grieving, as aggravating as that is. You need to try to be patient with her and all of your other family members right now. 

  
  

  I think it's great that you're planning to see a counselor, and I second the recommendations for a grief support group. I also recommend trying to get away from everything for a few days-- taking yourself out of the stress and chaos may help you sort through your feelings. 

  
  
  

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  June 2014

  Thanks for all of the great advice :-) It is nice to hear that I may be going in the right direction. I have sent out several emails to grief support groups who may have a group available during my off time. Hopefully, something will pan out soon. Thanks again everyone, for the hugs and good thoughts

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