Update: bridal shower with self addressed Thank You envelopes...

Re: Update: bridal shower with self addressed Thank You envelopes...

• Inkdancer member

  

  June 2014

  Whether it's legal or not, I wouldn't perform a ceremony like that. It is their responsibility as adults to not promise to marry (i.e. get engaged) until they are both free to marry.
  

  

  

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• monkeysip member

  

  June 2014

  Since you wouldn't be making it legal, but just "officiating" their commitment (how stupid...), I don't see how it would be a legal issue. But it's also ridiculous. I wouldn't agree to do that... and you're right, they shouldn't have set a date until the divorce went through! Adults need to make smart decisions, and learn from their mistakes when they don't! And you haven't even received a thank you note in your own self-addressed envelope yet? Yuck!

  
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• CheleLyn member

  

  June 2014

  The main thing that makes me wonder about the legality of it is polygamous families. The husband is legally married to wife #1 but has a "spiritual marriage" with subsequent wives. They (Sister Wives for example) are then considered breaking the law even though he is only technically married to wife #1. I just called a local attorney and the paralegal was as helpful as a stick and tried to convince me to come in for a consult. LOL

  ~*~June 21, 2014~*~

  
  

  
  

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• CheleLyn member

  

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  A google search has produced a thread from 2011-2012 on where else....WeddingBee. Aaaaaand the general consensus is that "what the hell, don't let that ruin your big day!" Hahahaha

  
  

  http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-fiance-is-still-married/#axzz34MOn08WV
  

  
  

  
  

  Eta: A WeddingWire thread is opposed to it, surprisingly

  
  

  http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/is-it-wrong-to-have-non-legal-ceremony-now-need-best-man-toast/9102232a71ba9a2d.html
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  ~*~June 21, 2014~*~

  
  

  
  

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• emmyg65 member

  

  June 2014

  Way to bury the lede! All you have to say is that you're sorry, but you can't perform the ceremony if the groom is still married. You don't need legal justification, just your own discomfort.

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• monkeysip member

  

  June 2014

  CheleLyn said:

  The main thing that makes me wonder about the legality of it is polygamous families. The husband is legally married to wife #1 but has a "spiritual marriage" with subsequent wives. They (Sister Wives for example) are then considered breaking the law even though he is only technically married to wife #1. I just called a local attorney and the paralegal was as helpful as a stick and tried to convince me to come in for a consult. LOL

  I actually didn't know that was a legal problem.  I thought they could get away with that.  Shows how much I know about this stuff!

  
  

  Either way, just be honest that you're not comfortable with this!  

  
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• phira member

  

  June 2014

  Even if you can "get away with it" legally, you're obviously not okay with it, and that's enough of an issue. Considering the number of religious officiants who refuse to officiate same-sex weddings, or weddings of couples who live together or have had pre-marital sex, etc etc, you're completely within the realm of normal human behavior to have expectations of a couple you're marrying.

  
  

  This is their own damn fault, full stop. Not yours.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• photokitty mod

  

  June 2014

  Did you suggest she ask the caterer if she can move her wedding date and not lose the deposit? Many vendors will let you transfer days without losing the full deposit...venues will often only allow it if they can fill the date, but a caterer might not be as strict. Moving the date back would solve a lot of things...assuming they can settle the divorce. I assume they are not agreeing on terms of the divorce and it might be out of their control - custody, or other circumstances - but then she never sent a thank you note, so they could just be straight up idiots...

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• sarahufl member

  

  June 2014

  I would decline to perform the ceremony. That doesn't sit right with me.

  
  

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  June 2014

  CheleLyn said:

  Recap: End of March I went to a bridal shower for a bride who is getting married mid August. As guests, we addressed thank you card envelopes "bc the bride doesnt have everyone's address". I had never seen or heard of this done before and thought it crazy rude....especially considering the fact that I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE A GD THANK YOU CARD! 

  
  

  Wait, I just can't get past the bolded. Clearly whoever threw the shower had the addresses, and clearly the bride will have addresses for things like, you know, wedding invitations. If not STD's that already went out!

  
  

  People who say shit like that suck. 

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  June 2014

  I'd bow out of performing the ceremony because it's an unwarranted PPD, regardless of legality. When same sex couples need to do that because the law sucks, that's fine. When they KNEW this would be a problem and couldn't get their legal ducks in a row... sorrynotsorry I suddenly have other plans that day. Don't plan a wedding to a man who's still married.

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• misshart00 member

  

  June 2014

  You definitely wouldn't be ruining their day. Just don't out of your own comfort. And if they still plan to go through with it, anyone can perform the ceremony since it won't be legal anyway.

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• CheleLyn member

  

  June 2014

  thisismynickname said:

  CheleLyn said:

  Recap: End of March I went to a bridal shower for a bride who is getting married mid August. As guests, we addressed thank you card envelopes "bc the bride doesnt have everyone's address". I had never seen or heard of this done before and thought it crazy rude....especially considering the fact that I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE A GD THANK YOU CARD! 

  
  

  Wait, I just can't get past the bolded. Clearly whoever threw the shower had the addresses, and clearly the bride will have addresses for things like, you know, wedding invitations. If not STD's that already went out!

  
  

  People who say shit like that suck. 

  Two words...facebook.invitation.

  
  

  
  

  ~*~June 21, 2014~*~

  
  

  
  

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• CheleLyn member

  

  June 2014

  Thanks, everyone. I called and said that she needs to be prepared for the possibility that the "wedding" won't be happening if he isn't divorced. She said she will talk to him and see what he wants to do.

  ~*~June 21, 2014~*~

  
  

  
  

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• Simply Fated member

  

  June 2014

  You wouldn't be ruining their day. Their day can still go on... they just need to find someone else to perform this mock commitment ceremony thingy... what ever it's called.
  

  
  

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• lizandmark2014 member

  

  June 2014

  I would approach one or both in some way to decline. I would say I do not feel comfortable performing a ceremony of any kind due to legal and reputation reasons. I appologize. If they have paid a deposit and you are able to give it back I would.
  
  You may not have gotten a thank you note due to their problem with a wedding date and caterer. If I was the bride to be I would consider returning the gifts. I also think it supper rude to address your own thank you note envelope.
  
  Good luck.

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• ab6704a member

  

  June 2014

  CheleLyn said:

  Recap: End of March I went to a bridal shower for a bride who is getting married mid August. As guests, we addressed thank you card envelopes "bc the bride doesnt have everyone's address". I had never seen or heard of this done before and thought it crazy rude....especially considering the fact that I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE A GD THANK YOU CARD! 

  
   

  I was the unwitting victim of this at my own shower.   When I showed up my girlfriends had already had the guests fill out envelopes to "save me time".  I was MORTIFIED. 

  I made sure I wrote extra personal thank you notes to everyone to try and make up for it.  I still cringe when I think of it
  

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• monkeysip member

  

  June 2014

  ab6704a said:

  CheleLyn said:

  Recap: End of March I went to a bridal shower for a bride who is getting married mid August. As guests, we addressed thank you card envelopes "bc the bride doesnt have everyone's address". I had never seen or heard of this done before and thought it crazy rude....especially considering the fact that I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE A GD THANK YOU CARD! 

  
   

  I was the unwitting victim of this at my own shower.   When I showed up my girlfriends had already had the guests fill out envelopes to "save me time".  I was MORTIFIED. 

  I made sure I wrote extra personal thank you notes to everyone to try and make up for it.  I still cringe when I think of it
  

  And this is why if I saw that at a shower (I never have, thank goodness), I'd assume the HOST came up with the idea, and not the BRIDE.  

  
  

  And I would write a really nice personal note to everyone (like you did) and send them off ASAP since I didn't even have to worry about addressing them.  No excuse for a bride to have self-addressed thank yous and still not mail them in a timely fashion.

  
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• Alikat9614 member

  

  June 2014

  ab6704a said:

  CheleLyn said:

  Recap: End of March I went to a bridal shower for a bride who is getting married mid August. As guests, we addressed thank you card envelopes "bc the bride doesnt have everyone's address". I had never seen or heard of this done before and thought it crazy rude....especially considering the fact that I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE A GD THANK YOU CARD! 

  
   

  I was the unwitting victim of this at my own shower.   When I showed up my girlfriends had already had the guests fill out envelopes to "save me time".  I was MORTIFIED. 

  I made sure I wrote extra personal thank you notes to everyone to try and make up for it.  I still cringe when I think of it
  

  
  This just happened to me, as well. My family always does this... Anyway, the shower was Monday and I made sure the TY's went out Thursday. I always think, why wouldn't I have your address?! I'm inviting you to the freaking wedding!

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  June 2014

  ALLLLLRight. First things first: I kind of feel that asking someone to address their own ty envelope is rude, BUT - as PP mentioned - not having addresses in this day and age is not *really* all that uncommon. Solution: Pass around a nifty little invention called a Sheet. Of. Paper. -.- As for the legality of the marriage, they might not be able to even get the marriage certificate. In Alabama (can't vouch for other states) they want to see finalized divorce papers if it was within the last 6 months, and that you are not even allowed to attempt to contract marriage with someone other than your ex-spouse within 60 days. So it may be moot.

  

  
  

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