Received RSVP v. and guest

d2va · June 2014

So we sent an invite to FIs ex MIL, mainly as a courtesy because his son is going to be here.

She was invited with a +1.

I received her RSVP and she wrote her name and guest.

I.e. Mrs. Jones and guest

i am doing escort cards so i would like to know the guest name. Is it rude of me to send her a message asking what her guests name is?

scrunchythief · June 2014

Nope, I don't think so. I'd just let her know why you need the name so your intentions don't get misconstrued.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

I would have your FI ask her.

melbelleup · June 2014

d2va said:

So we sent an invite to FIs ex MIL, mainly as a courtesy because his son is going to be here. She was invited with a +1. I received her RSVP and she wrote her name and guest. I.e. Mrs. Jones and guest i am doing escort cards so i would like to know the guest name. Is it rude of me to send her a message asking what her guests name is?

I'd go ahead and ask... be prepared to be kicked back though saying "I don't know" I have two guests that I have Mr. Smith's Guest. The one won't know until the 18th who he's bringing, so I'll change it then and the other, we'll never know (It's my FI's aunt's nursing home person traveling with her and they won't know until day of)

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I don't think it's rude when you start to work on your seating chart & cards to call & ask her because you want to include their name on the card.

phira · June 2014

Not rude, but have your fiance ask.

d2va · June 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

I would have your FI ask her.

phira said:

Not rude, but have your fiance ask.

Thank you all! I just wanted to make sure.

I was the one who invited her and asked for the address, etc. so I feel like I could just send her a quick facebook message.

Another reason why I want to know the name is because last time when his son was here she invited us to dinner, we ended up not making it, and took his son out a restaurant and when we went to drop him off, there was a woman there that would cause huge tension, and drama. ( Woman and my FI had relations twice right before we started dating, she said she got pregnant by him, she decided to keep the child even though he told her that he did not want to - she continued to say that she is a good christian woman, *one that sleeps with men after hanging out one time*. Refuses to do paternity test, etc., but tried to hustle my FI out of money, we told her to go F herself, kindly of course as it was agreed that she decided she would keep the baby, and that she would care and provide for it, and in essence he is not the father. Good thing she lives in another country. )

So, Im not sure if she intentionally did it... but it makes me wonder. Now, Im not saying that I think she may bring this woman, but just the last experience was very unpleasant and I obviously wouldnt want that at the wedding.

Sorry for the long story. haah

lyndausvi · June 2014

There is nothing wrong with putting "and guest" on an escort card if you do not know who the "and guest" is. Meaning, you know it's not their SO.

I would contact them once, ask the question. If you get the answer, great. If not, put and guest and move on.

Putting "and guest" when it's not the guest's SO is not horrible. My own SIL didn't know which friend was going to be able to make my wedding until a few days out. I put "and guest" on her card. I had enough things to do the week of the wedding without tracking down a name and making an escort card. I made the effort and then moved on to another project.

JellyBean52513 · June 2014

Just a heads up, OP, when you put "and guest" on someone's invitation, you are essentially giving them free choice of who to bring to your wedding. You can't backtrack if you don't like the person they choose (except, of course, in cases where that person has ever been violent towards you or other guests, or might be a legit danger to have around).

You mentioned that this woman lives out of the country, so hopefully she won't be attending with your FI's ex-MIL. If she is, and I were in your position, I would personally explain to the ex-MIL "Please know that any scene like the one she caused the last time we were all in the same place will absolutely not be tolerated at the wedding. We hope everything is behind us and it will be a lovely day for everyone." I'm not sure if that's an etiquette-approved thing to say, but that's the insurance I would cover my ass with if I knew a guest was bringing someone that has a history of causing a scene.

d2va · June 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Just a heads up, OP, when you put "and guest" on someone's invitation, you are essentially giving them free choice of who to bring to your wedding. You can't backtrack if you don't like the person they choose (except, of course, in cases where that person has ever been violent towards you or other guests, or might be a legit danger to have around).

You mentioned that this woman lives out of the country, so hopefully she won't be attending with your FI's ex-MIL. If she is, and I were in your position, I would personally explain to the ex-MIL "Please know that any scene like the one she caused the last time we were all in the same place will absolutely not be tolerated at the wedding. We hope everything is behind us and it will be a lovely day for everyone." I'm not sure if that's an etiquette-approved thing to say, but that's the insurance I would cover my ass with if I knew a guest was bringing someone that has a history of causing a scene.

Oh, I know and I certainly agree. I extended a +1 because she will not know anyone, I have already spoken to her she is either going to bring her youngest daughter or her brother.

...but even though its against etiquette, IF she were / was going to say she was going to bring this person, even though she didnt physically harm anyone etc. the only reason the woman would come would pretty much be to cancel the wedding as its rumored shes in love with my FI. lol So, I think that if that were the case, even though it isnt I would tell her absolutely she cannot bring that person if she had the audacity to bring her as her plus 1.

I think that if a person you invited brings a guest whos sole purpose of coming would be to anger you, possibly embarass you etc. would be reason enough to break etiquette.

Rosebubbly · June 2014

Not to bring up the elephant in the room...but did your fiancé ever find out if it was his kid?!

d2va · June 2014

Rosebubbly said:
Not to bring up the elephant in the room...but did your fiancé ever find out if it was his kid?!

No, she got "offended" that he asked lol. It's been rather Interesting.

She tried to get some money out of him a few months ago. Not going to happen. She made a choice to keep the child and as cold hearted as it sounds. She said she didn't need him and wanted to keep and raise her. so he will never be that child's father. Possible sperm donor? Yes but nothing more than that.

smalfrie19 · June 2014

Rosebubbly said:

Not to bring up the elephant in the room...but did your fiancé ever find out if it was his kid?!

Honestly, when a woman refuses a paternity test, that's a pretty clear sign in my book.

Rosebubbly · June 2014

Wow!! I'd be worried about her coming back every few years until he knew for sure. I hope it works out!

ShesSoCold · June 2014

So....I'm also going to ask about this elephant. You and he are both okay with having nothing to do with this child, if she is his? He's fine with possibly having a child he has no relationship with?

MyNameIsNot · June 2014

d2va said:

Not to bring up the elephant in the room...but did your fiancé ever find out if it was his kid?!
No, she got "offended" that he asked lol. It's been rather Interesting. She tried to get some money out of him a few months ago. Not going to happen. She made a choice to keep the child and as cold hearted as it sounds. She said she didn't need him and wanted to keep and raise her. so he will never be that child's father. Possible sperm donor? Yes but nothing more than that.

Even if he told her to get an abortion, and even if he doesn't find out it's his bio child until the kid is 10, he's on the hook for child support, all the way back to birth. He had sex with her voluntarily. He's responsible. What are you going to do in 10 years if he gets hit with a child support judgment for tens of thousands of dollars?

It's really bad that he's so flippant about possibly having a child. He should do more to get a paternity test done now. Telling her he doesn't want to be any more than a sperm donor doesn't cut it.

Anyway, call the woman and ask for the name of her guest for escort cards.

d2va · June 2014

ShesSoCold said:
So....I'm also going to ask about this elephant. You and he are both okay with having nothing to do with this child, if she is his? He's fine with possibly having a child he has no relationship with?

This is where is becomes tricky and we have not quite figured it out yet because he is already a father of a 15 year old who he supports, sees and is his father who lives in the same country as this woman and her child, and they know each other.

At the end of the day there is a child involved, and they will get hurt by all of this. The woman is acting all high and mighty one minute and then needy at others. There needs to be a line.

d2va · June 2014

d2va said:

Rosebubbly said:
Not to bring up the elephant in the room...but did your fiancé ever find out if it was his kid?!

No, she got "offended" that he asked lol. It's been rather Interesting.

She tried to get some money out of him a few months ago. Not going to happen. She made a choice to keep the child and as cold hearted as it sounds. She said she didn't need him and wanted to keep and raise her. so he will never be that child's father. Possible sperm donor? Yes but nothing more than that.

Even if he told her to get an abortion, and even if he doesn't find out it's his bio child until the kid is 10, he's on the hook for child support, all the way back to birth. He had sex with her voluntarily. He's responsible. What are you going to do in 10 years if he gets hit with a child support judgment for tens of thousands of dollars?

It's really bad that he's so flippant about possibly having a child. He should do more to get a paternity test done now. Telling her he doesn't want to be any more than a sperm donor doesn't cut it.

Anyway, call the woman and ask for the name of her guest for escort cards.

I did mention that this woman doesn't even live in this country. There is no court, there is no child support she cannot do anything.

He asked her 5 times to do a paternity test and she refuses. What more can he/we do?

He and i care very much that there is this child stuck in the middle. She has every reason to lie and say that it's him, money but most of all a prestigious name in the country.

It's difficult because she's being difficult from the very beginning the way she told him firstly was not in the right manner and her insisting that she doesn't need or want him in her life yet will ask for random donations without doing a paternity test. Yet the whole town where she is say how much she's in love with him.

He definitely knows he's an idiot for having unprotected sex, but what's done is done.

It's hard to turn your head but if she refuses to do a paternity test there's not much that we can do.

d2va · June 2014

Also, he never told her anything about being a sperm donor. She pretty much made that clear since the beginning.

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