Having a nervous breakdown- would love opinions

jenna8984 · June 2014

I don't know if I want the wedding I've booked anymore. I have really been thinking about cutting it down to 20 people (parents, grandparents, siblings, wedding party) and just having the ceremony in a local park then taking them all for a nice dinner. The booked wedding is 3 months away (at a traditional venue) so STD went out to 65 people but no invitations and the only flight booked is my parents.

I don't know why, just the more and more time goes by, the less excited I am about the wedding and I just question it more and more. I was never that little girl who had a "dream wedding". I always imagined just a low key thing with a few people. I just never enjoyed the giant shindig, like my friends' and my brother's. I hated their weddings, they were nice and all but just not "me". You know? I don't care about all the fuss and frill and I never have, and I never planned to have any of it. But then when I got engaged, I got wrapped up in the wedding industry thinking that I needed these things or I would feel as though I missed out. I didn't want to elope and then regret not having a traditional wedding. But now I'm feeling like I should have followed my heart from the beginning and that I won't regret something so small.

I would save a whole lot of money, but it's honestly not even about the money. I have the money to pay for what is booked so completely factoring that out of the equation, I just keep thinking about the atmosphere and vibe that I want. FI and I don't dance, we don't drink, we aren't the normal couple who want those things. But should I just go through with it now since it's already planned and just go with the punches and have a fun time or do you think I really should change it if I'm feeling this way? Honestly when I think about the day and I look forward to it, the only parts I look forward to are looking beautiful in my dress, the ceremony and the getting married part, some nice pictures, and hanging out with my 2 best friends and my parents (and obviously FI). I don't look forward to any of the rest of it...

I haven't talked to FI about it yet but I know he would be on board with whatever since he wanted to elope from the beginning. Thanks for any input you can offer.

phira · June 2014

I think I have three recommendations for you.

1) If you can take a break from wedding planning for a month or so, do it. Anything that needs to get done, your fiance can do. It sounds like you have a month before invitations have to go out, so I'd use that month to do nothing.

2) Keep in mind that at the end of the day, you're still married. Usually, that's something we say when someone is obsessing over the details to the point where they just CANNOT ANYMORE because they couldn't afford their dream dress, or those eleven unnecessary Pinterest DIY projects didn't work. That goes for you, too. Your wedding doesn't have to be 100% "you" for it to be your wedding. If you do spend more time on wedding stuff, spend that time, money, and energy making your wedding reflect you better.

However

3) the money you've spent is gone, regardless of what you do next. That money is gone whether you go through with the wedding as planned, or if you elope. That time, money, and energy you could use to make the current wedding more "you" might be time, money, and energy spent canceling the wedding and eloping instead.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think you need some time to not think about the wedding, and then when you come back to it, decide if you're going to make lemonade out of lemons with your current plans, or scrap them. Neither one is a wrong decision!

JCbride2015 · June 2014

I would just really consider your relationship with the people who received StDs. Revoking those invitations might cause a lot of hurt feelings. Especially if the only reason is you decided you wanted a smaller wedding, not because of some life circumstance. But those are your personal relationships, so you know better than we can.

I was actually just crying to Fi last night about feeling a lot of pressure with having such a big wedding. Believe me, I know how you feel. Seems to be a trend around this board today!

climbingsingle · June 2014

STD = invite. If you've already sent out STDs to 65 people, they need to be invited to your wedding.

Is it mostly the reception you're not looking forward to? What aspects of the reception? If you don't want to dance, don't dance. Have you already hired a DJ?

Skip the cake cutting, formal dances, bouquet toss, etc.

jenna8984 · June 2014

Just wanted to add the costs associated-

venue- paid deposit which we would lose but we are allowed to cancel up to 60 days before. So the deposit would be lost but we'd save thousands for all the food and everything.

photographer, videographer, and DJ- all friends so I would let them keep their deposits but they would let me cancel with no additional charges

centerpieces/ decorations- I didn't spend much to begin with but plan to resell them regardless of the wedding we have

attire including wedding party- would still be worn

bouquets- would still be used

invitations- this would be the only expense to truly get thrown in the trash but they were cheap from Vistaprint.

@phira- I haven't been planning. When you say to take a break from it, I literally booked and bought everything back in January and I've just been sitting around doing nothing wedding related since then.

lyndausvi · June 2014

Once you sent out the 65 STD you are "stuck" with having 65 people.

The only way around that is to cancel your wedding. Send out notes to everyone they wedding is not going on as planned. Then pick other date in the future (and no I do not mean a week from the last date). Then only invite those 20 to that wedding. (ETA - or just elope)

Although I'm not sure how that will save you much money. Many times when you are this close non-refundable deposits have already been made. Only you can decide if it's really worth cutting those 45 people or not.

ETA -

jenna8984 · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

STD = invite. If you've already sent out STDs to 65 people, they need to be invited to your wedding.

Is it mostly the reception you're not looking forward to? What aspects of the reception? If you don't want to dance, don't dance. Have you already hired a DJ?
Skip the cake cutting, formal dances, bouquet toss, etc.

We are already skipping all of those things. I don't know- I honestly just picture sitting around at the reception not having fun. We do have a dj but I don't anticipate a lot of dancing since it's the afternoon (people won't be as drunk) and there aren't a lot of guests to begin with to fill the dance floor so the few who do enjoy it might feel weird dancing by themselves. I just don't know what else we will do for 4 hours?

climbingsingle · June 2014

Can you shorten the wedding to 3 hours?

emmaaa · June 2014

I agree with PPs that STD = invite. Could you do a modified version of the intimate ceremony and reception you want? Maybe have the ceremony in the park with the 65 people and then a backyard BBQ or supper at a restaurant afterwards. That way you aren't revoking invites to those extra people but you are still having somehting more low-key.

phira · June 2014

Ah, okay.

In your shoes, I'd cancel the venue and the DJ, and maybe the videographer. I'd aim for a backyard or park ceremony and a backyard BBQ-esque reception. I'd do a Spotify playlist and get some speakers for it. And I'd plan for the reception to only last 2-3 hours.

Alternatively, if that still feels like the wrong wedding for you--you CAN cancel the wedding and elope. Like, just cancel everything, let people who received save-the-dates know the wedding is canceled, and then elope the heck outta yourself.

jenna8984 · June 2014

phira said:

Ah, okay.

In your shoes, I'd cancel the venue and the DJ, and maybe the videographer. I'd aim for a backyard or park ceremony and a backyard BBQ-esque reception. I'd do a Spotify playlist and get some speakers for it. And I'd plan for the reception to only last 2-3 hours.

Alternatively, if that still feels like the wrong wedding for you--you CAN cancel the wedding and elope. Like, just cancel everything, let people who received save-the-dates know the wedding is canceled, and then elope the heck outta yourself.

Thanks!! That might be the way to go since I had originally wanted a backyard thing and somehow got talked into a venue. Our parents and others just said how much easier it would be to have everything in one place instead of renting (tables, chairs, food, etc). But I was eyeing the crap out of park with a pavilion and picnic tables. Guess FI and I will have to talk it over tonight!

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

When I got engaged to my first husband, we chose a date and told everyone we were having a private wedding. We'll, that didn't sit well with some VIPs, we we scrapped our private DW and started planning the wedding of my mom's dreams. As time went on, I started freaking out about all of the people and the drama and how it is "just not me." When the day of the wedding rolled around, tons of things went wrong (all family behavior related) but I really had a great time!

I agree with pps that you either stick totally with it- 65 people and all- or you cancel and elope. I think you'll find that you'll still have a good time once the day comes, even if it wasn't exactly what you envisioned. However, as someone who got a "second chance" with my divorce and second marriage, I didn't listen to anyone, did what I wanted, and kept everyone in the dark with my plans. I don't regret a second of it.

ElcaB · June 2014

Take some time off and limit your involvement in the planning. It's not too late to hire a wedding planner to tie up loose ends.

Your guest list wasn't very big to start with, so at least you're not suddenly craving an intimate wedding having already sent out STDs.

To revoke guests' invitations after sending STDs would be in bad form. The good news is, you have time to change the ceremony/reception to better suit your preferences. Start making arrangements to have the wedding you & FI want after taking a break from planning.

Emmy1493 · June 2014

I know its all crazy now, but I wouldn't rule yourself out just yet on if your going to have fun at your wedding. You know what will help? ALCOHOL. Seriously. Get yourself a drink or two..or three and just have fun with all of your F&F.

If you change it all now, your losing all that money. And since STD's have gone out, people expect to attend this wedding. Invite or none. I would just take a step back and give it a rest for a day or so. Go enjoy time with your FI and just relax.

Emmy1493 · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

phira said:

Ah, okay.

In your shoes, I'd cancel the venue and the DJ, and maybe the videographer. I'd aim for a backyard or park ceremony and a backyard BBQ-esque reception. I'd do a Spotify playlist and get some speakers for it. And I'd plan for the reception to only last 2-3 hours.

Alternatively, if that still feels like the wrong wedding for you--you CAN cancel the wedding and elope. Like, just cancel everything, let people who received save-the-dates know the wedding is canceled, and then elope the heck outta yourself.

Thanks!! That might be the way to go since I had originally wanted a backyard thing and somehow got talked into a venue. Our parents and others just said how much easier it would be to have everything in one place instead of renting (tables, chairs, food, etc). But I was eyeing the crap out of park with a pavilion and picnic tables. Guess FI and I will have to talk it over tonight!

I think if that is what you want, then go for it! Honestly if it makes you happy and that is what you and FI envision now then maybe it wil help.

lc07 · June 2014

I'm sorry you are struggling so badly with this. I'm not one to get my feathers fluffed over non-PC terms but if you are having an actual nervous breakdown, please seek medical attention. I hope you were just exaggerating. If not, get help! It's a very serious problem.

You can always leave things as planned but cut the reception way shorter. Have your ceremony, have lunch at the reception venue and then be done. You don't have to use the whole time up. I would not revoke 65 STDs I sent out because I thought I might not have fun. I would be very concerned about damaging the relationship I had with those people.

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

Everyone else has already given great advice.

That being said, my sister DID completely change her wedding even after several commitments were made. I don't think she had already sent Save the Dates though, which is the key difference between your situation and hers.

They were having the wedding of her now-MIL's dreams, not theirs. They were going to go into debt to pay for it. She just wasn't into the whole thing. When she called me and said very similar things as you've said, I wholeheartedly said, "change it."

Her wedding with fewer than 30 immediate family members is one of my favorite weddings ever. They were able to do higher quality stuff too-- a top-notch restaurant instead of a standard banquet hall with average catering, for example.

Good luck with this decision.

jenna8984 · June 2014

lc07 said:

I'm sorry you are struggling so badly with this. I'm not one to get my feathers fluffed over non-PC terms but if you are having an actual nervous breakdown, please seek medical attention. I hope you were just exaggerating. If not, get help! It's a very serious problem.

You can always leave things as planned but cut the reception way shorter. Have your ceremony, have lunch at the reception venue and then be done. You don't have to use the whole time up. I would not revoke 65 STDs I sent out because I thought I might not have fun. I would be very concerned about damaging the relationship I had with those people.

Thanks. I didn't realize that was an actual medical term, I just thought people used it when they were freaking out about something. Sorry about that, not an actual medical emergency!

lc07 · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

lc07 said:

I'm sorry you are struggling so badly with this. I'm not one to get my feathers fluffed over non-PC terms but if you are having an actual nervous breakdown, please seek medical attention. I hope you were just exaggerating. If not, get help! It's a very serious problem.

You can always leave things as planned but cut the reception way shorter. Have your ceremony, have lunch at the reception venue and then be done. You don't have to use the whole time up. I would not revoke 65 STDs I sent out because I thought I might not have fun. I would be very concerned about damaging the relationship I had with those people.

Thanks. I didn't realize that was an actual medical term, I just thought people used it when they were freaking out about something. Sorry about that, not an actual medical emergency!

No offense taken on my part. I'm glad you don't need hospitalization or medical help

SBmini · June 2014

I really wouldn't worry about what people will do. They will talk, they will socialize. They will eat and have a good time. They are mostly adults who can entertain themselves. There is no need to manufacture things for them to do- and that includes dancing.

I agree that if you can take a break- take a break. You are suck with your current invite list because they got the STDs. But that doesn't mean you can't have a wedding that you like. There's certainly aspects you can change or still decide on that will make it more you. And short of saying 'I do', and making sure your guests are comfortable (i.e. get food and have chairs) there's nothing else you are 'required' to do.

It will all work out! Don't worry about it.

CMGragain · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

I don't know if I want the wedding I've booked anymore. I have really been thinking about cutting it down to 20 people (parents, grandparents, siblings, wedding party) and just having the ceremony in a local park then taking them all for a nice dinner. The booked wedding is 3 months away (at a traditional venue) so STD went out to 65 people but no invitations and the only flight booked is my parents.

I don't know why, just the more and more time goes by, the less excited I am about the wedding and I just question it more and more. I was never that little girl who had a "dream wedding". I always imagined just a low key thing with a few people. I just never enjoyed the giant shindig, like my friends' and my brother's. I hated their weddings, they were nice and all but just not "me". You know? I don't care about all the fuss and frill and I never have, and I never planned to have any of it. But then when I got engaged, I got wrapped up in the wedding industry thinking that I needed these things or I would feel as though I missed out. I didn't want to elope and then regret not having a traditional wedding. But now I'm feeling like I should have followed my heart from the beginning and that I won't regret something so small.

I would save a whole lot of money, but it's honestly not even about the money. I have the money to pay for what is booked so completely factoring that out of the equation, I just keep thinking about the atmosphere and vibe that I want. FI and I don't dance, we don't drink, we aren't the normal couple who want those things. But should I just go through with it now since it's already planned and just go with the punches and have a fun time or do you think I really should change it if I'm feeling this way? Honestly when I think about the day and I look forward to it, the only parts I look forward to are looking beautiful in my dress, the ceremony and the getting married part, some nice pictures, and hanging out with my 2 best friends and my parents (and obviously FI). I don't look forward to any of the rest of it...
I haven't talked to FI about it yet but I know he would be on board with whatever since he wanted to elope from the beginning. Thanks for any input you can offer.

My wedding day, 38 years ago, is not a happy memory. The in-laws were fighting, my sister (MOH) had separated from her husband and was getting a divorce, my budget was very tight. Looking back on it, it really couldn't have been any other way unless we eloped. I'm glad I went through with it. I enjoy looking at my old wedding pictures on my anniversary. I think I would have felt cheated if I couldn't have walked down the aisle in my whiite dress and veil to be married to my husband. A church wedding was important to me.
I think that you should go ahead with your wedding, but take out the things that make you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to have dancing. It is not required. Cancel it. You don't have to drink, or serve alcohol. Cancel it. Just have a nice, small wedding with your family and friends. Make sure everybody has enough to eat and drink, and that everyone has a seat. Play background music on an ipod. People enjoy conversation, so don't worry about entertaining them. The only things necessary at your reception are that you thank each guest for coming personally, and that you offer them food and drink. Alcohol is not required. Dancing is not required. Traditions like the bouquet and garter toss are not required. (I didn't do them!)
Do keep the photography. In 38 years, you will be glad that you did.

jenna8984 · June 2014

Thanks everyone. I think we screwed up with the guest list to begin with. We are quite the loners and don't have many friends or family. So 40 of the 65 are really just "old" friends that we felt obligated to invite so that we would have people there. That's what I'm freaking out about, is all of a sudden it's dawned on me that these people aren't really close to us anymore, we hardly see or talk to them (except for showers and weddings) so why am I putting in this effort to have/host them? I still love the venue, I just wanted to ditch all the extra guests. I guess it's too late and we screwed ourselves with the save the dates so if I'm not allowed to cut the people there is no pointin changing my plans.

Inkdancer · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

Thanks everyone. I think we screwed up with the guest list to begin with. We are quite the loners and don't have many friends or family. So 40 of the 65 are really just "old" friends that we felt obligated to invite so that we would have people there. That's what I'm freaking out about, is all of a sudden it's dawned on me that these people aren't really close to us anymore, we hardly see or talk to them (except for showers and weddings) so why am I putting in this effort to have/host them? I still love the venue, I just wanted to ditch all the extra guests. I guess it's too late and we screwed ourselves with the save the dates so if I'm not allowed to cut the people there is no pointin changing my plans.

The good news is that people who don't feel close to you will often not come. So relax and remember that lots of them will probably send a nice card and not show up.

That said, you shouldn't be putting in much extra effort for them. You'll have to order more invitations and more food, yes. But you can choose the things that you want, not the things they "have to have" or expect. If you want to serve them cake and soda and skip having a dance floor, go for it!

EverAfer · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

STD = invite. If you've already sent out STDs to 65 people, they need to be invited to your wedding.

Is it mostly the reception you're not looking forward to? What aspects of the reception? If you don't want to dance, don't dance. Have you already hired a DJ?
Skip the cake cutting, formal dances, bouquet toss, etc.

We are already skipping all of those things. I don't know- I honestly just picture sitting around at the reception not having fun. We do have a dj but I don't anticipate a lot of dancing since it's the afternoon (people won't be as drunk) and there aren't a lot of guests to begin with to fill the dance floor so the few who do enjoy it might feel weird dancing by themselves. I just don't know what else we will do for 4 hours?

Ok, let's talk about what do you want for your wedding?

A casual wedding at the park with picnic tables?
Cancel the venue and move the wedding there.

To the bolded, what do you like to do for fun with FI or family/friends?

Some of my fav times with FI, family and friends is just having a comfortable place to sit/talk/laugh and then 4 hours isn't enough. No activities needed, so do think about what makes you happy and add that into the reception. You can skip the dancing or anything else you don't want.

beethery · June 2014

@jenna8984 I just read your comment in another post and saw that you made other arrangements. I am so glad that you are going to go with something that you and your FI are more comfortable with

jenna8984 · June 2014

@beethery Thanks so much!! We decided to just do immediate family and wedding party at a restaurant. I know it's poor "etiquette" to send a STD then not invite but I think it's a different situation when the whole thing is canceled/ changed. It's not like just one person isn't getting an invite. I will personally write and send cards to everyone letting them know that it's been canceled but that we're still getting married. Ah I feel so relieved and excited now, I wasn't excited before because it had turned into something I never really wanted. And plus side, the venue deposit is refundable and will cover the entire new one!!

beethery · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

@beethery Thanks so much!! We decided to just do immediate family and wedding party at a restaurant. I know it's poor "etiquette" to send a STD then not invite but I think it's a different situation when the whole thing is canceled/ changed. It's not like just one person isn't getting an invite. I will personally write and send cards to everyone letting them know that it's been canceled but that we're still getting married. Ah I feel so relieved and excited now, I wasn't excited before because it had turned into something I never really wanted. And plus side, the venue deposit is refundable and will cover the entire new one!!

That is fantastic to hear, and I think you should be in the clear etiquette-wise, especially if you follow up with the people that aren't going to be at the small thing.

I'm SO SO GLAD you're looking forward to it now!

SBmini · June 2014

jenna8984 said:

@beethery Thanks so much!! We decided to just do immediate family and wedding party at a restaurant. I know it's poor "etiquette" to send a STD then not invite but I think it's a different situation when the whole thing is canceled/ changed. It's not like just one person isn't getting an invite. I will personally write and send cards to everyone letting them know that it's been canceled but that we're still getting married. Ah I feel so relieved and excited now, I wasn't excited before because it had turned into something I never really wanted. And plus side, the venue deposit is refundable and will cover the entire new one!!

I think this is a good solution. And yes, getting uninvited is different from a complete change of plans. Some people may be disappointed, but they'll get over it.

climbingsingle · June 2014

So happy for you that you're getting the day you want!

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

Yay!

As someone who saw both sides of it from my own personal experience, following your gut is usually the best way to go! Hopefully this eliminates your stress and keeps things focused on what really matters

MollyandD · June 2014

lc07 said:

jenna8984 said:

lc07 said:

I'm sorry you are struggling so badly with this. I'm not one to get my feathers fluffed over non-PC terms but if you are having an actual nervous breakdown, please seek medical attention. I hope you were just exaggerating. If not, get help! It's a very serious problem.

You can always leave things as planned but cut the reception way shorter. Have your ceremony, have lunch at the reception venue and then be done. You don't have to use the whole time up. I would not revoke 65 STDs I sent out because I thought I might not have fun. I would be very concerned about damaging the relationship I had with those people.

Thanks. I didn't realize that was an actual medical term, I just thought people used it when they were freaking out about something. Sorry about that, not an actual medical emergency!

No offense taken on my part. I'm glad you don't need hospitalization or medical help

My mom had a nervous breakdown due to immense stress at work. My sister, she worked with my mom at that time, found her in the office bathroom sobbing, mumbling, and gasping. My mom had to go to the hospital, and she doesn't remember what happened during the time of the breakdown.

I'm very happy that this is not what you went through. I'm also happy that you are finding a way to have the wedding that YOU want and can be happy with. Congratulations.

Having a nervous breakdown- would love opinions

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