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MairePoppy · June 2014

Emmyrald said:

Okay maybe "evil" is a little harsh but... I'm getting married in 20 days and the 'appropriate response' meter is way out of whack!

I'm getting married in 20 days. The wedding date has been chosen for many many months. MIL just announced she's throwing her other son's grad party the week before our wedding. I will probably be running around with last minute errands, since I work a full time job and have been on my own for all planning, and now I'm expected to not only attend the party but help with set up/tear down.

I'm frustrated. The whole time MIL has been negative about the timing of our wedding, our ceremony start time (too early for her liking), the size of our wedding (she would expect something for more people -- though wouldn't help pay... And now 20 days before our wedding, I have a to-do list of places she wants me to be and things she wants me to do. None having to do with preparing for our wedding.

I've seen a lot of selfishness during this time Bride & Groom are supposed to be honored and highlighted. It feels impossible to get the proper respect and understanding. I know these things aren't terrible but... I happen to believe weddings are the most important day in a person's life (other than their "come to Jesus" day) and to not see this woman treating it as such stinks. Any encouragement or others who've experienced this?

I agree, your response meter is way out of whack. Calm down. Your FMIL can't force you to set up, clean up or attend the graduation party. If you have things to do that day, tell her, "I'm so sorry that I can't help with the graduation party. I have so many last minute wedding errands to take care of that day." Lather, rinse and repeat as necessary. It would be nice if you could stop by to congratulate your FBIL, but if you can't, you can't. Your fi should be able to help his mom set up and attend his brother's party without you.

Let's put things into perspective. You believe your wedding is the most important day of your life. When you graduated from high school, you probably thought that was the most important time of your life, as was your first day away at college etc....You were right about all that stuff. Your FBIL probably thinks his graduation is the most important day of his life. He's right, too. Your milestone isn't more important than his or vice versa. Also, you aren't entitled to be honored and highlighted during the time leading up to their wedding. You get one day to be the center of attention.

Jen4948 · June 2014

Well, I haven't yet experienced this in regards to a wedding, but I just had to tell my parents that I can't be "available" for certain kinds of family and personal things due to being forced to move right after tax season (I work as a tax accountant) as well as major freelance projects with fussy clients and 50 hours of CPE that has to be earned by September 30, so I'm feeling very overburdened right now.

My dad at least understood that. Hopefully my mom will too.

I know this doesn't sound encouraging, but it sounds like nothing you say to your FMIL will make her understand your need for her to leave you alone. How has your FI been about running interference for you with her or otherwise having your back? If he's been helpful, can you ask him to help you set and maintain boundaries with his mother, which would include respecting your schedule and needs and not issuing any further demands or complaints to you regarding your wedding? If he isn't helpful, you may have bigger problems than your FMIL.

One thing I would keep in mind though: Nobody is required to be as excited for you about your wedding as you are...not even your FMIL. You are certainly entitled to respect and understanding about your wedding and your needs, but you are not entitled to have your FMIL treat this time as "Bride and Groom are supposed to be honored and highlighted." As the regulars all say here, you're entitled to one day for your wedding. It's not rude of your FMIL to want you to be available for another day close to your wedding.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

There is a word that you need to start using in certain situations. And that word is 'no.'

Your FMIL planning a grad party a week before your wedding is not a big deal. And when she asks or gives you tasks to help out/set up for the party your simple response should be "oh sorry FMIL but I won't be able to help since I have last minute errands I need to run for FI and I's wedding, but I am looking forward to seeing everyone and celebrating your son's recent graduation."

And you are right a wedding is the most important day in a persons life. In your and your FI life. NOT your FMIL life. No one will be as excited about your wedding as you and your FI. And even though you and your FI are bogged down in wedding stuff everyone else is still living their lives and enjoying other celebrations along the way.

If I were you I would take a deep breath, give that to-do list to your FI and tell him to give it back to his Mom and apologize that you and he won't be able to help with the party.

emmyg65 · June 2014

What exactly is the "proper respect"? You're just getting married. Yeah, it's a big deal to you and an important commitment, but lots and lots of people do it. Life goes on. Just say you can't help out with the party and stop being so entitled.

mysticl · June 2014

Like others have said there is nothing wrong with her throwing the party the week before the wedding. However, you are in no way obligated to help her. You don't have to go anywhere, do anything, set up, tear down, or even attend. Though it would be nice of you to at least pop in for a little while.

kmmssg · June 2014

OP - is does no good to delete when you have been quoted and you got some really good advice here.

aurianna · June 2014

I'm confused... do we think she's worried that her family will see? Or do you think she was expecting us to all say "how dare her FMIL throw her son a graduation party so close to your wedding! She should have thrown it a year before (even though he hadn't graduated yet...) or in six months or so when it's cold and he's been doing post-graduate things for months already!"

More than likely his graduation date was set in stone four years ago, whereas OP's wedding was not. If its being nowhere close to a possible graduation party were that important to her, she shouldn't have scheduled her wedding in early summer.

But being expected to help with the party a week before the wedding isn't cool. OP, you can definitely decline to help if it's honestly a burden to you (though, if your FMIL and/or FBIL have been helping you a lot with the wedding, it would be a nice gesture to return the favor, but again, not mandatory at all).

peachy13 · June 2014

If you're really that busy and stressed a week before your wedding, then don't go to the graduation party. Just remember your fiance's side of the family who will take notice to you choosing wedding planning over going to your FBIL's graduation party, where you'll mingle with your fiance's family, get some free food, congratulate your FBIL for what, 1-3 hours of your day? I don't believe that's asking for a lot. And if you're truly stressed and your FMIL is being demanding, let her know that you can't help set up but that you can show up to the party for a little bit.

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