Hello Knotties! I've been a long time lurker, but I never contributed or anything. I like observing. I never thought I would have a question, but a month out from my wedding, I'm facing a couple of logistical problems, along with some emotional hang ups.
My MOH ("A")was a long time friend - we were best friends growing from preschool up until high school, when my family moved out of town. We stayed in touch and are still close, although not as close I would love, but we live in different states and she has a family and blah blah blah. Being a grown up is hard. Anyway, when I got engaged, she was the first person I thought of for my MOH. I also asked her to sing at the wedding while I walked down the aisle, because she has such a beautiful voice and I grew up hearing her sing non-stop, so it really meant a lot to me. This was about a year ago. Everything was great. No problems. Then, in January, she told me she's pregnant. Still no big deal. She assured me she would be able to be at the wedding and we talked about alternate travel plans (because she was worried about flying from California to where I live in Oregon). I bought her BM dress myself - found one she loved that would fit a 7-month belly - and it's being shipped to her. She throws me a wonderful, low-key, absolutely perfect bridal shower and bachelorette. Then she calls me. She's been having contractions and no one knows why. Might be a bladder infection, which they can treat and she still might be able to come. Then she goes to the ER one night and they tell her it's not a bladder infection. Then two days later, it IS a bladder infection AND she has gestational diabetes. She visits her dr a couple of times, each time bringing up the traveling. Her dr is not having it. A is a high risk pregnancy, and with these complications, there is no way she can come. This was confirmed last week. Since then, I think I've been handling it pretty well. I told my wedding planner and we're working out how to have her on FaceTime or Skype so she can watch. I don't have a problem with "only" having three BMs. I'm not changing anyone's title. She's still in the program as "MOH." She still put in a year as my MOH and was supportive and wonderful and I think it would be sad to just be like "oh you're no longer my MOH because you can't be at the wedding," even though I know the single requirement of wedding party is that they show up at the wedding. But I can't do it. And I couldn't ask someone else to be MOH, because I don't want them to feel like they're "second best." That isn't it at all - I would be honored to have almost any of my BMs be my MOH, but I wouldn't risk it, and I don't want to "punish" A. I don't know. It just makes me so sad.
I know I just wrote a whole bunch, but I'm not mad or upset or angry our wedding party won't be "balanced." I'm just really sad. I wish my friend could be there on this day. I never thought I would get married, and now I am, and she won't be there. I just constantly feel like I look like that emoji with the one tear.
What I'm wondering is if anyone has had to miss someone at their wedding, and how you've dealt with it. I'd like to involve A as much as possible, so she will be on FaceTime, and I plan to get a phone call in with her in the morning, so we can just chat. We had this whole plan that she and I would have a slumber party in our bridal suite the night before the wedding, which obviously isn't happening anymore. But I have been racking my brain the past few days trying to come up with ideas of how to involve her. A suggested that her younger sister (whom I've also grown up with) "stand in for her" - wear a navy dress like the three other BMs, do all the BM things (we're paying for hair and make up if they want to do that), stand at the altar with me, and hold the iPhone for FaceTime. I kind of laughed about this, but A thinks it would be a really good idea. Normally I would think this would be insulting to her younger sister, but I know her pretty well, too, and I think she would get a kick out it. Yesterday A asked if that's what we're going with. I guess I don't really get it. I am not opposed to the younger sister being a BM, but it's just kind of weird to me. She won't be in the program with the other BMs, and to the guests, there would just be this random girl standing next to me at the altar. I feel like all I would think when I looked over at her is "I wish A were here." So now on top of trying to feel like A is there when she can't be there, I have to figure out a way to tell her I don't really like her idea. I don't know how to have someone hold the iPhone, and I don't know what to do about the dinner seating, because it was going to be me, my husband (holy crap, that sounds weird), his BM/date, and my MOH/husband. Now it would just be me, husband, and BM/date? But these are questions I let my wedding planners fix.
So? Any ideas on the best ways to pretend someone is at your wedding when they can't be? I'd really like some suggestions I can offer as alternatives to her sister-as-understudy proposal.