Wedding Weekend - Guests Only Attending Extra Events?

kelceya · June 2014

Hi ladies! I’ll try to keep this brief, looking for help with an awkward situation. We’re having a destination wedding abroad. One of my good friends, also living abroad (elsewhere), was invited with a plus-one. He informally RSVP’d several months ago, saying that he was coming and since he lives far from home, his mother and sister were going to vacation at our destination to see him. Awesome! I’m really glad they could work that out. I told him that since they were traveling so far, he was welcome to bring both members of his family as a “plus-two”. Fast forward to yesterday, we’re a couple of days past our RSVP deadline and I e-mail him for final numbers. We’re more or less hosting a wedding weekend, with a pub night on Friday, city bus tour on Saturday, and wedding ceremony and reception on Sunday. He writes back: “Let’s say 2 for pub night 1 for wedding and 3 for bus tour.”

What? I feel really weird about the prospect of hosting people at our private events who are not coming to the wedding. The pub night is one thing, it’s just an informal meet-and-greet, but renting a private tour bus is pretty expensive, and certainly something they’d pay for themselves if it weren’t for the wedding invitation. So, first of all, am I in the wrong thinking this is weird and kind of rude? Am I obligated to host them? They were technically invited to all three events, but with the understanding (at least from our side) that they were first and foremost invited to the wedding, and the other days were just extra events if they cared to join us. Secondly, how do I handle this without sounding like a jerk? It seems equally weird to say “they can’t come on the bus unless they come to the wedding”, but that’s pretty much the gist! Aargh, thanks for your help!

LondonLisa · June 2014

kelceya said:

Hi ladies! I’ll try to keep this brief, looking for help with an awkward situation. We’re having a destination wedding abroad. One of my good friends, also living abroad (elsewhere), was invited with a plus-one. He informally RSVP’d several months ago, saying that he was coming and since he lives far from home, his mother and sister were going to vacation at our destination to see him. Awesome! I’m really glad they could work that out. I told him that since they were traveling so far, he was welcome to bring both members of his family as a “plus-two”. Fast forward to yesterday, we’re a couple of days past our RSVP deadline and I e-mail him for final numbers. We’re more or less hosting a wedding weekend, with a pub night on Friday, city bus tour on Saturday, and wedding ceremony and reception on Sunday. He writes back: “Let’s say 2 for pub night 1 for wedding and 3 for bus tour.”

What? I feel really weird about the prospect of hosting people at our private events who are not coming to the wedding. The pub night is one thing, it’s just an informal meet-and-greet, but renting a private tour bus is pretty expensive, and certainly something they’d pay for themselves if it weren’t for the wedding invitation. So, first of all, am I in the wrong thinking this is weird and kind of rude? Am I obligated to host them? They were technically invited to all three events, but with the understanding (at least from our side) that they were first and foremost invited to the wedding, and the other days were just extra events if they cared to join us. Secondly, how do I handle this without sounding like a jerk? It seems equally weird to say “they can’t come on the bus unless they come to the wedding”, but that’s pretty much the gist! Aargh, thanks for your help!

Is this unconventional? Yes, but I don't think it is rude.

Honestly, I can see where he is coming from. I would think it was incredibly nice of you to invite my family to your wedding, but if you have never met, I would feel like I had pressured you into this burden to spend a lot of money. He probably wants to spend time with you and not have to entertain his mother/sister at the wedding. They also probably don't want to feel like crashers at your wedding (I know they were invited, but I would feel awkward attending a wedding were I didn't know the bride or groom and wasn't a date).

I really don't see a downside to this- it isn't like you were planning on inviting his mother/ sister to begin with and they are purposefully avoiding you. You won't notice them if they were there or not. Your friend is coming to every event, he just isn't bringing a date to every event.

Also, isn't this saving you money by not having to host all of them for all events?

Nymeru · June 2014

I wouldn't be ok with this at all. Either they're rsvping for the weekend, or they're not. It'd be one thing if they could only make it to the wedding, but not to all of the other side events. To take advantage of the fun things you'd planned, but not have the decency to acknowledge the one thing that truly matters during that weekend--your wedding--would be very offensive to me. They truly are freeloading if they're just signing up for the "fun" stuff.

I understand that it can be very awkward to go to someone's wedding when you don't actually know them, but it would be even more awkward and rude to basically tell them that while you don't feel comfortable enough to be part of their big day, you'd happily join other activities for which they are paying, despite the fact that you don't know the bride or groom.

I would tell your friend that the events are for wedding guests only, so if they don't feel comfortable coming to the wedding, they're welcome to set up their own activities to enjoy during the weekend. Unless I've misunderstood, it sounds like they've declined your wedding invitation, and as such, are no longer your guests. In my opinion, you should feel no obligation to host them at all.

Blergbot · June 2014

I have to agree with LondonLisa. And, basically, just like any event, you've invited them and therefore that ship has sailed. You can't rescind the invites to the private events once they've been extended. I'll grant you, it's a little weird, but you can't really lay down ultimatums with your guests.

AddieCake · June 2014

Ditto Lisa. The situation is unusual, but I think you are making an unnecessary big deal about them not coming to the wedding. It's not like you have a whole slew of guests doing this. If you don't really know them, I don't know why you care if they attend your wedding or not.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

AddieCake said:

Ditto Lisa. The situation is unusual, but I think you are making an unnecessary big deal about them not coming to the wedding. It's not like you have a whole slew of guests doing this. If you don't really know them, I don't know why you care if they attend your wedding or not.

I'm with this. And will it actually cost you more for them to be on the private bus tour? I feel that that's one of those things that has a firm price, not per person when you rent the whole thing out. You gave them a verbal open invite, so now they get to choose what they attend (just like any other guest.)

kelceya · June 2014

Thanks for your responses. I guess I was just a little hurt to hear that they don't want to come to the wedding but are happy to take advantage of the free bus tour. I don't really see how one would be more awkward for them than the other. We set up the Friday and Saturday events to enhance the experience of our wedding guests, so I feel kind of uncomfortable including people who chose not to be guests at our wedding. If etiquette dictates that we include them, then I suppose we will, but it just seems bizarre to me that they would bother to RSVP at all if they're not interested in the main event.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

kelceya said:

Thanks for your responses. I guess I was just a little hurt to hear that they don't want to come to the wedding but are happy to take advantage of the free bus tour. I don't really see how one would be more awkward for them than the other. We set up the Friday and Saturday events to enhance the experience of our wedding guests, so I feel kind of uncomfortable including people who chose not to be guests at our wedding. If etiquette dictates that we include them, then I suppose we will, but it just seems bizarre to me that they would bother to RSVP at all if they're not interested in the main event.

Your wedding is much more personal than a private bus tour. I can totally see how it would be more awkward. Look at it this way, you don't have to pay for their dinner at the wedding.

kelceya · June 2014

I wish that were comforting, but we're actually struggling to meet the minimum numbers for the wedding package we initially agreed to. It might just be the pre-wedding nerves talking, but this destination wedding is proving more trouble than it's worth.

LondonLisa · June 2014

kelceya said:

Thanks for your responses. I guess I was just a little hurt to hear that they don't want to come to the wedding but are happy to take advantage of the free bus tour. I don't really see how one would be more awkward for them than the other. We set up the Friday and Saturday events to enhance the experience of our wedding guests, so I feel kind of uncomfortable including people who chose not to be guests at our wedding. If etiquette dictates that we include them, then I suppose we will, but it just seems bizarre to me that they would bother to RSVP at all if they're not interested in the main event.

You say things like "main event" and that they are "taking advantage", which seems defensive and a little attention-seeking. I understand that this wedding is super important to you but it isn't to everyone. I wouldn't really want to go to a wedding of people I didn't know. You were nice to include them, but it isn't a subpoena. You don't know these people, so it really makes no difference if they are at your wedding or not. Could you honestly say that you would remember if they were there or not? This is such a minor, non-issue, which I know can feel out of proportion around wedding stress, but you really have to let it go.

Think about it this way: your friend (the main invitee) is coming to all the events, he just isn't bringing a date to all of them.

kelceya · June 2014

Thanks for the perspective. I'll try to put it out of mind.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

kelceya said:

I wish that were comforting, but we're actually struggling to meet the minimum numbers for the wedding package we initially agreed to. It might just be the pre-wedding nerves talking, but this destination wedding is proving more trouble than it's worth.

As a person who doesn't like DWs because they just end up costing everyone so much money, I feel bad for you if you feel this way. I'm really not trying to be bitchy, I think you're making this too big of a deal. Go drink a margarita

LondonLisa · June 2014

Also, if you are struggling to meet the minimum, just see if you can upgrade in certain places. It is a minimum spend amount, not necessarily the minimum people attending, so 99% of the time, venues don't mind how you spend it as long as they receive the final equivalent amount. Upgrade your dessert, flowers, cocktail hour food, or bar package or see if they will throw in something extra like a sweets bar or photobooth.

I'm glad you are reframing your approach to this- I know it is really hard to have perspective during all the stress of planning.

kelceya · June 2014

I appreciate the tips - and I'd definitely benefit from that margarita. My fiance and I are from different countries, so for us it was destination wedding or no wedding. The closer we get the more I appreciate how beautifully simply the no wedding option would have been!

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Yuck. Yeah, I think it's rude of them to just take advantage of free site-seeing when they don't plan on coming to the wedding... but there isn't much you can do about it. Maybe reassure your friend that his mom and sister really are more than welcome at the wedding, in case they felt like that was too personal of an event to join. But otherwise I'd let it go. Let them be the rude ones, not you.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

Step back from emotion, and look at this from a cost/benefit point of view:

If you demand they come, what do you gain? Strangers at your wedding who don't want to be there.

What do you lose? Perhaps your friend's enjoyment at the wedding. Perhaps he may not come at all if his guests back out.

If you don't demand they come, what do you gain? You know for a fact that your friend will come. Also, no strain on the friendship (remember, he's not responsible for the behavior of others).

What do you lose? Money you were going to spend anyway.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

kelceya said:

I appreciate the tips - and I'd definitely benefit from that margarita. My fiance and I are from different countries, so for us it was destination wedding or no wedding. The closer we get the more I appreciate how beautifully simply the no wedding option would have been!

This doesn't make sense to me. So you wouldn't get married AT ALL if you couldn't have a DW?

ETA: and yes, please just try to breathe deep and let it go. If you haven't hit your minimum yet, you'd be paying anyway for these seats. Maybe you can use that money instead to upgrade some other things.

JennyColada · June 2014

JCbride2015 said:

kelceya said:

I appreciate the tips - and I'd definitely benefit from that margarita. My fiance and I are from different countries, so for us it was destination wedding or no wedding. The closer we get the more I appreciate how beautifully simply the no wedding option would have been!

This doesn't make sense to me. So you wouldn't get married AT ALL if you couldn't have a DW?

ETA: and yes, please just try to breathe deep and let it go. If you haven't hit your minimum yet, you'd be paying anyway for these seats. Maybe you can use that money instead to upgrade some other things.

---
Well they don't live in the same geographical area, so I think she's just referring to the fact that it would be a DW for 50% of the people regardless of location?

indianaalum · June 2014

Is it possible they are leaving on Sunday which is why they aren't attending the wedding? If they are onl visiting him for the weekend, that might make sense on why they are attending the first two days (to spend time with him) and then heading back home on Sunday which wouldn't be uncommon

indianaalum · June 2014

kelceya said:

Thanks for your responses. I guess I was just a little hurt to hear that they don't want to come to the wedding but are happy to take advantage of the free bus tour. I don't really see how one would be more awkward for them than the other. We set up the Friday and Saturday events to enhance the experience of our wedding guests, so I feel kind of uncomfortable including people who chose not to be guests at our wedding. If etiquette dictates that we include them, then I suppose we will, but it just seems bizarre to me that they would bother to RSVP at all if they're not interested in the main event.

I wouldn't view it this way. I view it as your friend trying to do all these things to a part of your wedding while still having time with his family. His only other choice was to decline all of your events to be able to spend time with the family. He is trying to accomodate both.

They might have declined the wedding due to travel arrangements, anyhow. Your wedding was on he last day. They also might be thinking they are saving YOU money by declining.

JellyBean52513 · June 2014

I'm in agreement with @Nymeru on this one. I would take this as equivalent to a "plus-one" saying "That's so nice of her to invite us since we're going to be in town visiting you. Her cocktail hour and reception are being hosted at an awesome venue, that sounds like so much fun. We'll skip the ceremony, but meet you at the party!"

His mom and sister are going to be in the country regardless to visit him. The fact that his mom and sister chose the OP's wedding destination/weekend to visit their child/brother isn't the OP's problem; they made their vacation choice on their own. The OP then made her own choice to extend them a wedding invitation, which they are declining a portion of. To me, it's just as rude as if they chose to skip the ceremony but they showed up for the hosted cocktail hour and reception. I would be saying to myself, "Sooo I have to host you but you can't even show me the respect and decency of showing up to the actual wedding? You wouldn't even be at these events that I'm hosting if I weren't having a wedding, you'd be left to your own devices while on vacation, but now I'm responsible for providing them for you because I invited you to the wedding that you won't even come to."

missnc77 · June 2014

@indianaalum makes an excellent point.

kelceya · June 2014

JennyColada said:

JCbride2015 said:

kelceya said:

I appreciate the tips - and I'd definitely benefit from that margarita. My fiance and I are from different countries, so for us it was destination wedding or no wedding. The closer we get the more I appreciate how beautifully simply the no wedding option would have been!

This doesn't make sense to me. So you wouldn't get married AT ALL if you couldn't have a DW?

ETA: and yes, please just try to breathe deep and let it go. If you haven't hit your minimum yet, you'd be paying anyway for these seats. Maybe you can use that money instead to upgrade some other things.

---
Well they don't live in the same geographical area, so I think she's just referring to the fact that it would be a DW for 50% of the people regardless of location?

Yep, I just meant that there was no way for us to have a traditional, local wedding.

I do have an update. In an attempt to put it behind me, I took lolo883's advice and just sent a short message saying it was too bad his mother and sister weren't coming to the wedding, I hoped they knew they were truly very welcome, and it would be no trouble on our part to accommodate them, thinking that would be the end of it.

He responded: "I'll double check with them, but I think they made plans to go out in the city that night. I'll get back to you asap"

Don't feel much better about the situation. But either way it goes I won't push the issue. I made sure he knew they were welcome and not just an aadded financial burden, and that's enough. Thanks for all of your help!

missnc77 · June 2014

Just get over it. You're wanting their bodies to help meet your minimum guest count and not waste money, but they don't want to attend the wedding of someone they don't know. Plus, they probably already made plans BEFORE you extended a last minute invitation. Is it shitty they want to still do the bus tour? Yes. But it is what it is, and you can sit there and be bothered by it or move on and just enjoy this time in your life. C'est la vie.

Wedding Weekend - Guests Only Attending Extra Events?

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