Flower Girl oops

Yvonnefur · June 2014

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

indianaalum · June 2014

Once you ask, it is rude to take it back...especially when a 5 year old is involved. She probably got excited over it.

5 year olds are fine to walk down the aisle. Most will not throw a tantrum as they walk down the aisle..and even if they do, it still probably wouldn't ruin your ceremony. My flower girl was much younger and she cried and needed my sister to come get her. it is now a funny story i will tell her when she is older. It did not even remotely ruin my ceremony. not at all. It made me laugh.

You are not a tyrant, but you ARE wrong. once you ask, you cannot un-ask. Apologize now and let her be in the wedding. Afterall, this could be a relationship-breaking move

Had you never asked in the first place, it would have been fine NOT having one, but you asked, so now you are stuck

kmmssg · June 2014

Agree with @indianaalum, but my question to you is does your fiance share your enthusiasm at his son and grandchildren not attending your wedding? You used the term "I" exclusively in your post and I didn't see the terms "we" or "us" used at all. How does he feel about this?

indianaalum · June 2014

oh..just re-read the part about feelign relieved they aren't coming to the wedding. YES, you are a tyrant. This is fiance's family and I think it shitty you are relieved they will miss out on watching their father's wedding cuz it saves you money..

though I kinda feel like this post is MUD

AddieCake · June 2014

Yeah, you really shouldn't have done that, but that ship has sailed. What does your fiance say about it? I agree that's the bigger issue here. He might not be as happy as you are that they are now not coming.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

I don't feel like anyone involved in this scenario is handling their shit well.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

You value money spent on a vacation you offered someone over your FI's relationship with his son and grandchildren? Yes, you are a tyrant. The answer is not to get him on board with everyone missing the wedding. The answer is get over yourself, go apologize to the child and her parents, and put them all back in the wedding.

The only thing that could "ruin" a wedding ceremony is not ending up married. A crying 5 year old is highly unlikely to cause that.

JIC:

Yvonnefur said:
My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

STARMOON44 · June 2014

You're right about one thing: having a rude selfish child at your wedding could be a problem. I just think you're confused about who that child is.

JoanE2012 · June 2014

Yvonnefur said:

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

How does your FI feel about you ruining the relationship with his son and family over your worry about how a 5 year old would act at your wedding?

luckysnorkel · June 2014

My 4-year-old niece is going to be my flower girl. She is prone to tantrums. Who knows, she might throw one at our wedding. Is it going to have any effect on the day? Absolutely not.

I hope to god this post is MUD, because if it's not it makes me very sad.

lilacck28 · June 2014

I am not going to have a flower girl because I witnessed a few HORRIBLE flower girl tantrums. It may not have distracted the bride and groom, but it was certainly uncomfortable to witness as a guest/ part of the wedding party.

But, you are 65 years old OP, and should have had the foresight not to ask and then unask. That was rude, and if my parents ever got divorced/ remarried and did something like that to me ("please be in my wedding! Your child too! Wait, nevermind, your child is a brat"), well, I would not want to continue to have a relationship with that step parent either. It shows both a lack of compassion and a lack of common sense, which I would not want my poor parent marrying into. Ruining your fiance's relationship with his son and daughter in law is, in my opinion, a reason to break up with someone. I would certainly not be smug about it, OP. I would have a serious conversation with your Fiance and apologize for your lack of thought, and try to mend fences with your future step son and his family.

slothiegal · June 2014

Eeesh. You and your FI need to sit down and have talk. What you did was incredibly rude, and I have a crazy hunch that he's feeling pretty hurt.

Nymeru · June 2014

Out of curiosity, why would you take an entire family on your honeymoon with you if you're not even really wanting them to be part of your wedding?

crunchymamaof2 · June 2014

Tyrant isn't the word I'd use. Selfish and cold are much better choices. You essentially shit on your fiancées entire family and I'm assuming if they were close enough to be given such special roles that they're close enough for him to be very upset by all this. I hope he money you're saving is worth potentially ruining your relationship.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

Yvonnefur said:

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

1-Why would you offer to pay to take them to Disneyworld if you didn't want to pay for them?

2-I understand their point of view, you hurt the poor child's feelings. Once you ask a child it is extremely rude to take it back. I mean, you wouldn't kick out a bridesmaid, why would that be okay to do to a child?

3- If she throws a tantrum, it won't ruin your wedding. You will still be married. That was the risk you took when inviting a child. If you were really that concerned you should have thought about that before you invited her to be a flower girl.

4- How does your FI feel? He should be making these decisions with you. It is the wedding party (shared!), not just yours. And it is his family.

izza2 · June 2014

Just wondering; why were you taking them on <i>your</i> honeymoon?

But yes, it's rude to ask and then take it back. Your granddaughter was likely very excited to be a part of your wedding and to share that special moment with the two of you, and her mother reacted accordingly to knowing how disappointed she would be.

Are you a tyrant? Absolutely. Your post speaks for itself, if you can't tell by the other replies. You're incredibly selfish for being happy that they're not coming because you didn't want to spend money on taking them to your honeymoon, which you didn't have to do in the first place. And obviously you have no regard for your FI's feelings, since there was no mention of how he was reacting, or what he thought about the entire situation.

My niece and nephew are going to be my "flower people" - the niece will be just shy of two and the nephew shy of three when we get married. They're extremely young - probably too young, but we all thought it would be adorable and they would make the entire ceremony more interesting and laughable if they <i>did</i> react in an unexpected way. My niece will likely cry the second she sees a man, or she'll start gibbering to the first person she recognizes and gets close to. My nephew will just talk to everybody. We're in the hopes that they'll both walk down the aisle, eventually, at the enticing of their parents in the front row. Or, you know, we'll just have them chase a remote control car to get them down the aisle. Whatever has to happen, it'll be amusing.

Would I ever call their parents and say they weren't going to be in the wedding party because they may throw a tantrum? Absolutely not. That's disgusting.

Jen4948 · June 2014

You should have thought about the possibility that this flower girl might throw a tantrum before you asked her, not after. Demanding that she step down because she might throw a tantrum was extremely rude. You are a tyrant for posting that you're relieved that they're not coming.

kmmssg · June 2014

After thinking about this thread I can't help but wonder if it isn't MUD. It is just too perfect of an example of crazy.

MGP · June 2014

If this is a real post then this is my response to the OP:

The thoughts and behavior in your post would have made me think you are 22 and not 65. Even if you do not have children or grandchildren of your own you have a terrible attitude towards your new family.

My father remarried a few years before his grandchildren were born, but if they were around and his future wife pulled a stunt like that you would best believe it would be relationship ending and I would be calling her a tyrant until the bitter end.

debbeau · June 2014

I was thinking her age would be more like 12. Funny how she has not come back and replied.

bride2b71614 · June 2014

People say that you don't just marry a person, but you marry into their family as well. You don't have to love your FI's family, but you should at least attempt to be courteous. I am shocked that your FI doesn't consider you being relieved that his family won't be in attendance as a massive red flag.

To answer your question of am I a tyrant? Yes, you were 100% in the wrong here. A five year old girl generally understands what being a flower girl entails. A five year old girl would probably know that she gets to be a part of something and that her role is "special". For you to snatch that away from her because you are concerned about her throwing a tantrum is just rude. Its poor etiquette to kick an adult out of a bridal party, but keep in mind that this rule extends to children as well. Imagine how you'd feel if you had children and a bride/groom said "oh they're too young and can't handle being in a wedding, sorry but they're out". You would probably have the same reaction as your FI's family.

Going forward, I would ask you to consider how much your FI's family means to him. If you care about him at all, I think you should apologize to your future children in law for your actions ASAP (also don't expect this to erase the damage you caused immediately, because the stunt you pulled was messed up).

JoanE2012 · June 2014

kmmssg said:

After thinking about this thread I can't help but wonder if it isn't MUD. It is just too perfect of an example of crazy.

I dunno. Usually MUD posters come back to stir the pot!

cool632 · June 2014

I think you are just plan rude.

casey8784 · June 2014

Yvonnefur said:

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

For some reason this is bothering me a bit. Your wedding is not a themed office party. If you want a Christmas-y wedding, why not have it closer to the 25th? (If you were having the ceremony in a church, you'd probably be able to use their Christmas decorations and save a buttload on flowers and other decor.)

As for rescinding the flower girl role - not cool. A 5 year old usually can behave well enough for something that she knows is "important, especially if her parents have been talking it up and preparing her. As much as you want your day and wedding to go perfectly smooth, life happens - the microphone could break, there could be a blizzard that knocks out heating and power, you could get a pimple in the middle of your forehead. Is worrying about your FI's granddaughter *possibly* throwing a tantrum and "ruining" your day so important that you're willing to break bridges with your future stepson and his family - people who are very near and dear to the man you love?

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

casey8784 said:

Yvonnefur said:

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

For some reason this is bothering me a bit. Your wedding is not a themed office party. If you want a Christmas-y wedding, why not have it closer to the 25th? (If you were having the ceremony in a church, you'd probably be able to use their Christmas decorations and save a buttload on flowers and other decor.)

As for rescinding the flower girl role - not cool. A 5 year old usually can behave well enough for something that she knows is "important, especially if her parents have been talking it up and preparing her. As much as you want your day and wedding to go perfectly smooth, life happens - the microphone could break, there could be a blizzard that knocks out heating and power, you could get a pimple in the middle of your forehead. Is worrying about your FI's granddaughter *possibly* throwing a tantrum and "ruining" your day so important that you're willing to break bridges with your future stepson and his family - people who are very near and dear to the man you love?

If they want to have a Christmas wedding in early December, I dont think that is a big nor should it be because it isn't against etiquette. It may be poor taste, but the other issues are so much more important that comments on her theme seem like nitpicking.

misshart00 · June 2014

Also, most churches start decorating for Christmas shortly after thanksgiving so the decor may already be in place.

casey8784 · June 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

casey8784 said:

Yvonnefur said:

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

For some reason this is bothering me a bit. Your wedding is not a themed office party. If you want a Christmas-y wedding, why not have it closer to the 25th? (If you were having the ceremony in a church, you'd probably be able to use their Christmas decorations and save a buttload on flowers and other decor.)

As for rescinding the flower girl role - not cool. A 5 year old usually can behave well enough for something that she knows is "important, especially if her parents have been talking it up and preparing her. As much as you want your day and wedding to go perfectly smooth, life happens - the microphone could break, there could be a blizzard that knocks out heating and power, you could get a pimple in the middle of your forehead. Is worrying about your FI's granddaughter *possibly* throwing a tantrum and "ruining" your day so important that you're willing to break bridges with your future stepson and his family - people who are very near and dear to the man you love?

If they want to have a Christmas wedding in early December, I dont think that is a big nor should it be because it isn't against etiquette. It may be poor taste, but the other issues are so much more important that comments on her theme seem like nitpicking.

SIB

I know it's not against etiquette, I was just saying that I find it a bit odd. And yes, like MissHart said the church may already be decorated.

But you are correct that there are bigger issues; I also did comment on that, so I wasn't only "nitpicking on her theme."

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

casey8784 said:

pinkshorts27 said:

casey8784 said:

Yvonnefur said:

My wedding is going to be a very small, however, very formal Christmas wedding in early December. I am not doing all the traditional things because I am 65 years old and have been previously married. Last year, I asked my Fiance's 5 year old granddaughter to be my flower girl, grandson to be ring bearer, daughter in law to be a bridesmaid and his son to marry us(not a practicing minister). Unfortunately, I realized having an upset flower girl who does throw a tantrum when she does not get her way, could ruin the ceremony. I told her parents that perhaps she was too young to be a flower girl and I had asked too soon. Well, her parents were outraged, said that they were either all in the wedding or all NOT in the wedding. I am truly sorry that everyone feels hurt and yet relieved that they are not coming to the wedding at all. I was paying for ALL their expenses and taking them to Disneyworld on our honeymoon. I am saving thousands of dollars and sort of relieved. Am I a tyrant?

For some reason this is bothering me a bit. Your wedding is not a themed office party. If you want a Christmas-y wedding, why not have it closer to the 25th? (If you were having the ceremony in a church, you'd probably be able to use their Christmas decorations and save a buttload on flowers and other decor.)

As for rescinding the flower girl role - not cool. A 5 year old usually can behave well enough for something that she knows is "important, especially if her parents have been talking it up and preparing her. As much as you want your day and wedding to go perfectly smooth, life happens - the microphone could break, there could be a blizzard that knocks out heating and power, you could get a pimple in the middle of your forehead. Is worrying about your FI's granddaughter *possibly* throwing a tantrum and "ruining" your day so important that you're willing to break bridges with your future stepson and his family - people who are very near and dear to the man you love?

If they want to have a Christmas wedding in early December, I dont think that is a big nor should it be because it isn't against etiquette. It may be poor taste, but the other issues are so much more important that comments on her theme seem like nitpicking.

SIB

I know it's not against etiquette, I was just saying that I find it a bit odd. And yes, like MissHart said the church may already be decorated.

But you are correct that there are bigger issues; I also did comment on that, so I wasn't only "nitpicking on her theme."

I didn't say you were, I just thought it was distracting from serious issues. It is like if someone gets stabbed, we don't worry about a hangnail, just the stabbing. IDK, not a huge deal, I just personally thought it was distracting and just voiced my opinion. Just crabby today. Nothing personal.

PrincessOfHavoc · June 2014

This isn't all horrible.

At least your fiance and potential step son know what a hate filled tyrant you are. If they didn't know before, end the relationship and RUN. If they did, the son knows how horrible you are and that it's acceptable to his parent, so he can cut family ties.

My step mom had a few questions about marrying my dad (woot woot, they got married this morning!). Big one was if everyone was ok with my dad and her getting married before my fiance and me. And all I could think was why should I care? Her new grandchild spend the entire time asking what and who everyone was, and step mom thought that was just adorable.

heathertims · June 2014

Hate filled Tyrant? Shesh, you must only know people that shoot rainbows out their butts. Are you a tyrant? No. Was it rude? Yes. Is this going to cause problems? Yes. Would I consider you to be kind of a bitch? Probably. But not a Hate filled tyrant... Am I suspicious this post was made up for giggles? Yes.

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