MOH and bridesmaid weddings on the same day

elleniaanda · June 2014

Hello all! I got married in October 2010 and I used this site a lot back then... of course it looks a lot different now. I am hoping you all can help me out!

Two of my closest friends, both of whom were in my wedding -- one was my MOH and one was a bridesmaid -- are having wedding receptions on the same day, at roughly the same time, about a 45-minute drive from each other. I have chosen to go to my MOH's wedding because 1) I'm in her wedding party 2) she is my oldest and dearest friend, 3) hers is a ceremony + reception (while the other is just a reception; they already got married) and 4) she asked first. If they were in the same city, I think I could duck out and make an appearance at my other friend's reception, but since there is a drive in between them, I don't see how I could do it.

So, I told my friend today that I won't be at her reception, and she was pretty unhappy about it. She drove 4 hours to be at my bachelorette party, flew across the country (with her now-husband and his son, so that's three plane tickets) for my wedding, bought a bridesmaid dress, and sewed me a freaking quilt as a wedding gift. I don't think that she thinks that I should've chosen her -- she knows why I had to make the choice I did. But she feels cheated, and I really don't blame her.

MY QUESTION, to all of you, is what the heck can I do to make it up to her?? I'm taking her to dinner the day after her wedding, but to me, that doesn't feel like enough. I don't have time to sew her a quilt... but I feel like I have to do SOMETHING, something pretty big, to make it up to her (and to help myself feel less terrible about it)! Any ideas??

Thank you, in advance!
E

lilacck28 · June 2014

A nice big gift/ check... and a really heartfelt note? Not sure what else you can do, since you're already taking her (what about her husband?) out to eat.

kimberly0315 · June 2014

Unfortunately it just sounds like a sucky situation. It sounds like she understands why you can't be there. Maybe you can suggest a nice evening out with her and the husbands?

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

If she is already married, you aren't missing her wedding. You presumably already missed it! She only gets one wedding and it sounds like she chose to not include you in that. Because of that, she needs to accept the consequences of her actions.

I totally get why you'd be upset not being able to celebrate her marriage with her, but she needs to be understanding that not everyone can be there when she wants them to be, especially since it's not the actual wedding. I would still plan on meeting up with her, maybe still getting her a gift, but hopefully she calms down and realizes you had to make a tough call (just like she did when she decided to get married without you there)

Simply Fated · June 2014

Taking her out to dinner is enough.
You're not missing her wedding, you already missed that. It really sucks you can't attend her marriage celebration, but it's not like you guys can't celebrate the next night at dinner.
I understand she's hurt, but you simply can't be in two places at once.

LondonLisa · June 2014

All things being equal, I feel like weddings trump parties. Your BM is just throwing a party, as she is already married. However, once you add on all the other factors, bridal party, asking first, closeness of the relationship- you 100% made the correct decision.

Think about it this way, your BM didn't invite you to her wedding, so she can't be mad when you decline her party. Its not a tit for tat situation, but I don't understand how she can be upset when she didn't invite you to her wedding. Of course private ceremonies are perfectly acceptable, but you graciously understood that she chose to go a different route, and she should do the same.

Remember, this is not her wedding, it is just a party. She didn't invite you to her actual wedding.

Take her out to dinner, get her a nice card and don't feel at all guilty!

missnc77 · June 2014

If you know the address she'll be spending the morning and getting dressed for the reception, you could send her flowers as a surprise with a really sweet note - "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there today, but I want you to know you're in my thoughts! Have a blast tonight with your husband. See you tomorrow! xoxo"

AddieCake · June 2014

I agree dinner, maybe some flowers, are all you need to do. It's not your fault that you can't be in 2 places at once, and there is no need to go overboard trying to make this up to her.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

missnc77 said:

If you know the address she'll be spending the morning and getting dressed for the reception, you could send her flowers as a surprise with a really sweet note - "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there today, but I want you to know you're in my thoughts! Have a blast tonight with your husband. See you tomorrow! xoxo"

I think this is very sweet and goes above and beyond. OP, weddings definitely trump parties and you're making the right decision. Your friend really shouldn't be making you feel bad about it.

pegasuskat · June 2014

Can you offer to host a shower if she isn't already married? Otherwise I would just do the dinner, buy a nice thoughful gift. The right thing to do would be attend the event you were invited to first, which you are so don't feel guilty!

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

pegasuskat said:

Can you offer to host a shower if she isn't already married? Otherwise I would just do the dinner, buy a nice thoughful gift. The right thing to do would be attend the event you were invited to first, which you are so don't feel guilty!

The woman she's missing the party for is already married.

elleniaanda · June 2014

Awesome, everyone, thanks for your thoughts. I know that what I am doing is the right choice, but I just don't think I'm going to stop feeling bad about it any time soon. She did *so much* for me, really went above and beyond, despite the fact that she is really not a wedding person (hence her choice of a private ceremony), and now I feel indebted to her. I like the idea of sending flowers; I may reach out to her mom to see where she'll be that day. I welcome any more suggestions!

pegasuskat · June 2014

You say her "now husband" but you also say you are taking her out to dinner the day after her wedding, so IS she already married and your just taking her out the day after the "reception". A party to celebrate her marriage isn't the "wedding".

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

elleniaanda said:

Awesome, everyone, thanks for your thoughts. I know that what I am doing is the right choice, but I just don't think I'm going to stop feeling bad about it any time soon. She did *so much* for me, really went above and beyond, despite the fact that she is really not a wedding person (hence her choice of a private ceremony), and now I feel indebted to her. I like the idea of sending flowers; I may reach out to her mom to see where she'll be that day. I welcome any more suggestions!

I really wouldn't feel so bad about this when it's not her wedding. I have no problem with private ceremonies, but then people can't get all butthurt when their subsequent celebration (I hope it's not a reenactment PPD) is not people's top priority. Plus, you clearly weren't one of the VIPs she cleared her date with before she chose it.

If it were your MOH's wedding versus your BM's birthday or housewarming party you wouldn't feel so guilty about missing it, right?

Senecaf · June 2014

She clearly is an important person to you. She also seems reasonable, you said she understands but feels cheated. She is allowed to have feelings about it.

Like PP suggested I would send her a nice heart felt letter with a mimosa basket/kit and flowers to her room the morning of. Personally I would also give her a nice check if I could afford to.

But don't do it just because you feel like you are indebted.

elleniaanda · June 2014

Yes, she's already married, and yes, the event is a reception, not a wedding. For her and her husband, a private wedding was the right thing to do, and I totally support that. It doesn't bother me at all that I wasn't there. To me, her reception is the one chance we're all going to get to show our support of them and their relationship and to celebrate them, and it feels pretty dang significant, even if there won't be a ceremony. I would never just characterize it as a "party." I dunno, maybe this whole concept doesn't translate well without knowing the couple. :P

My point is that the argument that I don't owe her anything because it's a reception and not a ceremony does not hold water for me. I owe her. She bent over backwards to show her support for me and for my relationship, and to be there for me when I needed her, and I'm not able to reciprocate, and I feel her disappointment is justified.

ElcaB · June 2014

I don't think you need to go way above & beyond here. It's certainly nice to make an effort to do something to show your friend you care about her & regret that you can't be at her reception to celebrate her marriage, but you didn't do anything wrong.

I think dinner & some flowers and/or a bottle of wine along with a heartfelt note is the way to go, plus a wedding (reception?) gift.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

elleniaanda said: Yes, she's already married, and yes, the event is a reception, not a wedding. For her and her husband, a private wedding was the right thing to do, and I totally support that. It doesn't bother me at all that I wasn't there. To me, her reception is the one chance we're all going to get to show our support of them and their relationship and to celebrate them, and it feels pretty dang significant, even if there won't be a ceremony. I would never just characterize it as a "party." I dunno, maybe this whole concept doesn't translate well without knowing the couple. :P

My point is that the argument that I don't owe her anything because it's a reception and not a ceremony does not hold water for me. I owe her. She bent over backwards to show her support for me and for my relationship, and to be there for me when I needed her, and I'm not able to reciprocate, and I feel her disappointment is justified.
I swear there was a box here...
It's not though, honestly. You have the rest of your lives to do that, and that would be true whether they were getting married that day or not. My step-sister will miss my wedding due to already having committed to being in a friend's wedding the same day. I don't feel as if she's missing her only chance to support/celebrate my marriage. I have a lifetime of being married ahead of me. You can reciprocate your friend's help and support at any time before or after her celebration*. The party really is only one day.

Is there any prep you can help her with in the days leading up to it? Help with decorations, invitations if they haven't gone out? You can still provide any of the help she gave you, even if you don't end up attending. You could take them out for a nice dinner before or after, get a really thoughtful gift... I like the idea of sending her something the day of so she knows you're thinking of her. Or you could do a gift basket of breakfast in bed items for the morning after.

*The word "reception" really isn't applicable here - a reception is where you receive the guests who witnessed your wedding. A celebration, even if it is a celebration of a recent wedding, is not a reception if it's on a different day.

indianaalum · June 2014

elleniaanda said:

Yes, she's already married, and yes, the event is a reception, not a wedding. For her and her husband, a private wedding was the right thing to do, and I totally support that. It doesn't bother me at all that I wasn't there. To me, her reception is the one chance we're all going to get to show our support of them and their relationship and to celebrate them, and it feels pretty dang significant, even if there won't be a ceremony. I would never just characterize it as a "party." I dunno, maybe this whole concept doesn't translate well without knowing the couple. :P

My point is that the argument that I don't owe her anything because it's a reception and not a ceremony does not hold water for me. I owe her. She bent over backwards to show her support for me and for my relationship, and to be there for me when I needed her, and I'm not able to reciprocate, and I feel her disappointment is justified.

I had a friend who had to miss my wedding due to her own brother's wedding rehearsal (she was in the wedding and had to attend). Clarly, i understood and had no issues with it all. without me asking, she did the following; She came to my rehearsal dinner (i did invite her once i knew she felt bad and wanted to be a part of the fun), and then she/my other friends all spent the night before with me and she got to be with me part of the morning of my wedding until ultimately she had to drive to her own destination.

She then had my friends facetime her with my wedding so she could witness the ceremony. it meant the world to me that she cared that much.

Perhaps there is some option like that to make it up to her/1/

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

indianaalum said:

elleniaanda said:

Yes, she's already married, and yes, the event is a reception, not a wedding. For her and her husband, a private wedding was the right thing to do, and I totally support that. It doesn't bother me at all that I wasn't there. To me, her reception is the one chance we're all going to get to show our support of them and their relationship and to celebrate them, and it feels pretty dang significant, even if there won't be a ceremony. I would never just characterize it as a "party." I dunno, maybe this whole concept doesn't translate well without knowing the couple. :P

My point is that the argument that I don't owe her anything because it's a reception and not a ceremony does not hold water for me. I owe her. She bent over backwards to show her support for me and for my relationship, and to be there for me when I needed her, and I'm not able to reciprocate, and I feel her disappointment is justified.

I had a friend who had to miss my wedding due to her own brother's wedding rehearsal (she was in the wedding and had to attend). Clarly, i understood and had no issues with it all. without me asking, she did the following; She came to my rehearsal dinner (i did invite her once i knew she felt bad and wanted to be a part of the fun), and then she/my other friends all spent the night before with me and she got to be with me part of the morning of my wedding until ultimately she had to drive to her own destination.

She then had my friends facetime her with my wedding so she could witness the ceremony. it meant the world to me that she cared that much.

Perhaps there is some option like that to make it up to her/1/

Friend is already married at that point. Is missing the party, can't facetime the ceremony. I wouldn't feel bad missing a party for a wedding. Wedding > party IMO

Knottie23269797 · June 2014

I went to a wedding once where one of the bride's best friends was not able to attend for whatever reason. The friend prepared a terrific speech and had one of their mutual friends read it out loud at the reception. It was super heartfelt and a very nice gesture to make up for not being there in person. Just a thought in case you wanted to do something like that

MOH and bridesmaid weddings on the same day

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