Asked to be MOH at a PPD

RachelAllison0418 · June 2014

A few weeks ago a friend announced her engagement and asked me to be her MOH. I'm thrilled for her and of course I said I'd love to. Then, a couple days ago, she mentioned how they are getting married next month and having their "wedding" in May. So, obviously I was confused and said "the day you wed is your wedding day" and all sorts of other things that seem to be in the "PPD" thread here. I'm REALLY uncomfortable being in the wedding party at a fake wedding. How would you decline to be the MOH now? I would really like to remain friends with her. Thanks ladies (and possible a few guys)

southernbelle0915 · June 2014

Hey not so fast! You don't need to drop out now... you could always stay in the wedding, witness the PPD planning in all it's tacky glory and come back here to feed us funny stories.

RachelAllison0418 · June 2014

Ahh, the silver lining.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Yeah, live tweet that shit!

CMGragain · June 2014

Tell your friend that you are uncomfortable about being in her "wedding", and that you are sorry, but you think you should drop out. Tell her that you sincerely wish her the best. There will be drama.

southernbelle0915 · June 2014

CMGragain said:

Tell your friend that you are uncomfortable about being in her "wedding", and that you are sorry, but you think you should drop out. Tell her that you sincerely wish her the best. There will be drama.

If you do this, you could always offer to stand up at her actual wedding at the courthouse next month. Expect more drama.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

Yeah, there will definitely be drama if you back out. But I would probably do the same thing.

I would tell her I'll happily stand up for her in the courthouse wedding, but I'm not comfortable with the re-enactment. She would be upset. Maybe this would lead to a discussion about PPDs and why they are inappropriate, and she would come around. Maybe she would be offended and end the friendship. If you back out of the PPD, be prepared for your friend to be upset.

Is she lying about their status? If there's no lying, maybe you can convince her to change it to a celebration of marriage.

CMGragain · June 2014

Just to clarify my previous post, YOU are not causing drama. Your friend is causing it by planning a PPD and assuming that everyone is OK with it.

manateehugger · June 2014

I'd work to persuade her to make the truth known. I wouldn't want to participate in a lie (still sort of helping to keep a PPD from last year a secret and I hate it), but if everyone knows it's a redo, I'd think about staying in and just trying to encourage her to be more appropriate along the way.

But yeah, backing out could very well end the friendship, so think on it hard before you make a decision.

RachelAllison0418 · June 2014

She isn't planning on lying (as far as I know) so that's good. I will try to talk to her about doing a reception/celebration/religious recognition/etc instead of a "wedding". And poo, I hate drama, maybe I'll stay in the wedding if my suggestions don't work for her. I will still be very uncomfortable. The "wedding" isn't for a while...I'm just worrying so much already.

bananasplit472001 · June 2014

I was in my sister's DW last month as her MOH. In July she is having a PPD and is having 6 bridesmaids. They all had no problem purchasing a dress and wearing the bridesmaid shirts to her bachelorette party and calling themselves bridesmaids. Meanwhile, I am just so pissed off that I get to go through her wedding AGAIN in 3 weeks! More formal shots except this time with the "bridal party". I am getting my hair and make-up done again (my choice) but I still get to be her slave for the day. What makes it worse is it is my anniversary and my FI is not allowed to come to the pre-party prior to the start of the reception.

Nymeru · June 2014

Do you happen to know why they're getting married legally next month instead of waiting until May? What is it that makes you so uncomfortable about being part of her PPD? Just because you know it's legally-speaking, not the real thing? Or is she putting on a dog-and-pony show in May that you're not crazy about?

General question:

I understand that PPDs are loathed with a burning passion for most people on this forum, but I've never really seen the harm in them. It's a party, a celebration that they want their loved ones to be part in. It's really no different than a vow-renewal ceremony when you think about it. People go to those without side-eyeing them, despite the fact that they involve a wedding dress, music, vows, etc. If the couple doesn't lie about already being married, why would anyone begrudge them the celebration after the fact? You would have given them all the attention etc. anyway. Instead, they're just asking you to do it at a different time.

bananasplit472001 · June 2014

Nymeru said:

Do you happen to know why they're getting married legally next month instead of waiting until May? What is it that makes you so uncomfortable about being part of her PPD? Just because you know it's legally-speaking, not the real thing? Or is she putting on a dog-and-pony show in May that you're not crazy about?

General question:

I understand that PPDs are loathed with a burning passion for most people on this forum, but I've never really seen the harm in them. It's a party, a celebration that they want their loved ones to be part in. It's really no different than a vow-renewal ceremony when you think about it. People go to those without side-eyeing them, despite the fact that they involve a wedding dress, music, vows, etc. If the couple doesn't lie about already being married, why would anyone begrudge them the celebration after the fact? You would have given them all the attention etc. anyway. Instead, they're just asking you to do it at a different time.

I think that many times PPD are seen as money grabs. The couple did not feel that the guest should come to their actual wedding but had no problem inviting them to a party where traditionally it is acceptable to give a gift. This is generally the main problem. People also get one day to celebrate their marriage. A vow renewal is different in that you had a wedding maybe 20 years ago and just decided to recommit yourself, and it is more symbolic. You didn't get legally married a month before having a reception.

pinkcow13 · June 2014

Nymeru said:

Do you happen to know why they're getting married legally next month instead of waiting until May? What is it that makes you so uncomfortable about being part of her PPD? Just because you know it's legally-speaking, not the real thing? Or is she putting on a dog-and-pony show in May that you're not crazy about?

General question:

I understand that PPDs are loathed with a burning passion for most people on this forum, but I've never really seen the harm in them. It's a party, a celebration that they want their loved ones to be part in. It's really no different than a vow-renewal ceremony when you think about it. People go to those without side-eyeing them, despite the fact that they involve a wedding dress, music, vows, etc. If the couple doesn't lie about already being married, why would anyone begrudge them the celebration after the fact? You would have given them all the attention etc. anyway. Instead, they're just asking you to do it at a different time.

I had a few of these questions myself. Well, I can't answer for the OP, but in her particular case I would be annoyed about the costs associated with being a MOH. If it was truly her wedding day I wouldn't care. But if she is having the "bigger wedding" next year I'm assuming she wants all the frills that come with it - Bridal shower, bachelorette, etc. And while it's not the MOH's requirements to host or attend these events, I think that for most of us, we want our friends to be happy, so we may go above just showing up on the wedding day. At the end of the day, even if you don't do any of those things as a MOH, you still have to incur the price of the dress. So I personally would be annoyed spending money on a dress I probably won't wear again, when the bride is already married.

As a guest, I have a different perspective. Yes, I side eye them, but honestly, I love a good party. If the "wedding" is properly hosted, and as long as the couple is not lying to their guests, I would go to support them and have a good time. It's their etiquette mistake, not mine. If the couple blatantly lied to everyone, then no I would not be happy about that, because at that point they're just being complete jerks.

manateehugger · June 2014

Nymeru said:

Do you happen to know why they're getting married legally next month instead of waiting until May? What is it that makes you so uncomfortable about being part of her PPD? Just because you know it's legally-speaking, not the real thing? Or is she putting on a dog-and-pony show in May that you're not crazy about?

General question:

I understand that PPDs are loathed with a burning passion for most people on this forum, but I've never really seen the harm in them. It's a party, a celebration that they want their loved ones to be part in. It's really no different than a vow-renewal ceremony when you think about it. People go to those without side-eyeing them, despite the fact that they involve a wedding dress, music, vows, etc. If the couple doesn't lie about already being married, why would anyone begrudge them the celebration after the fact? You would have given them all the attention etc. anyway. Instead, they're just asking you to do it at a different time.

I find PPD's distateful for the mockery they make of legal and spirtual commitment.

RachelAllison0418 · June 2014

To Nymeru, I do not know why they're in such a rush to be legally married while they still want the traditional wedding. I kept asking, why not just wait so you can plan, and your parents have the $ to fly in, and so on. My mom asked me if she was pregnant but as of a month ago my friend said they had not yet slept together...so I doubt the "pregnancy" possibility, lol. And yeah, it's kind of a lot to get into as to why I'm so uncomfortable with it. Pretty much what the last couple of posters said. And it's just not real, I have no problem celebrating her marriage but to keep calling it a wedding and walk down an aisle and everything...it's just not real. I mean, my husband and I got married 3 years ago, let's have a 50th wedding anniversary party tomorrow. I guess technically I can have a party and call it whatever I want, still doesn't make it real. And I'm not trying to be snotty or anything, just trying to explain how I feel about it in less than a huge essay, haha.

Nymeru · June 2014

I don't think PPDs make a mockery of the commitment at all. I've been to two PPDs, and at both, the bride and groom cried giving their vows. The ceremony was VERY meaningful to them. That's really all that matters to me: a bride and groom/husband and wife vowing to love each other in front of all their friends and loved ones. What's not to like?

Are there shallow people out there who do make a mockery of it? I'm sure there are, but in general I feel that people should be allowed to celebrate their commitment to one another however they like. If you know the celebrants are shallow, money-grabbing people, simply don't go. Otherwise, wish them both well and enjoy the moment. It doesn't hurt anyone.

RachelAllison0418 · June 2014

And I guess I'd have less of a problem with it if she wasn't involving me, like now I need to buy a dress and I always host parties so I'm willing to bet she's expecting a lot of me. And it's awkward to host a bridal shower for a married woman soooo I don't think I'll be doing that.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

@Nymeru If you read the PPD thread, you know exactly the arguments we all would make about PPDs. This is not the place to rehash them. You might not be personally offended-- awesome for you if that's something your friends have done. They are, objectively, not etiquette appropriate.

Nymeru · June 2014

@RachelAllison0418

I understand you feeling like it's "not real". Maybe you need to explain that to your friend. Maybe no one else has told her that they feel the same way about the May wedding, and she doesn't realize the drama she's about to enter into. She's going to be VERY hurt if she gets similar responses after she's legally married, but it's too late to do anything about it.

Inkdancer · June 2014

Nymeru said:

I don't think PPDs make a mockery of the commitment at all. I've been to two PPDs, and at both, the bride and groom cried giving their vows. The ceremony was VERY meaningful to them. That's really all that matters to me: a bride and groom/husband and wife vowing to love each other in front of all their friends and loved ones. What's not to like?

Are there shallow people out there who do make a mockery of it? I'm sure there are, but in general I feel that people should be allowed to celebrate their commitment to one another however they like. If you know the celebrants are shallow, money-grabbing people, simply don't go. Otherwise, wish them both well and enjoy the moment. It doesn't hurt anyone.

I disagree. Just ask @MagicInk or any other number of people who can't get legally married where they live. The people who can get legal benefits, but say they don't "count"... that's pretty hurtful to people who would love to have those legal benefits but can't.

That's what really pisses me off about PPDs. More than the lying, more than the fakeness, it's the dismissal of rights that some people would do anything to have.

melissamusic · June 2014

RachelAllison0418 said:

To Nymeru, I do not know why they're in such a rush to be legally married while they still want the traditional wedding. I kept asking, why not just wait so you can plan, and your parents have the $ to fly in, and so on. My mom asked me if she was pregnant but as of a month ago my friend said they had not yet slept together...so I doubt the "pregnancy" possibility, lol. And yeah, it's kind of a lot to get into as to why I'm so uncomfortable with it. Pretty much what the last couple of posters said. And it's just not real, I have no problem celebrating her marriage but to keep calling it a wedding and walk down an aisle and everything...it's just not real. I mean, my husband and I got married 3 years ago, let's have a 50th wedding anniversary party tomorrow. I guess technically I can have a party and call it whatever I want, still doesn't make it real. And I'm not trying to be snotty or anything, just trying to explain how I feel about it in less than a huge essay, haha.

I think that's your answer. They feel like they can't have sex until they're legally married. They need a year to plan the big wedding, but don't want to wait that long to sleep together. I bet that's the reason for this.

MobKaz · June 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

I was in my sister's DW last month as her MOH. In July she is having a PPD and is having 6 bridesmaids. They all had no problem purchasing a dress and wearing the bridesmaid shirts to her bachelorette party and calling themselves bridesmaids. Meanwhile, I am just so pissed off that I get to go through her wedding AGAIN in 3 weeks! More formal shots except this time with the "bridal party". I am getting my hair and make-up done again (my choice) but I still get to be her slave for the day. What makes it worse is it is my anniversary and my FI is not allowed to come to the pre-party prior to the start of the reception.

Oh hell no. Is pre-party "code" for gap for everyone else? Once the ceremony is over, your obligation as a bridal party member ends. I would insist that either my FI be included, or I would opt out of this exclusive pre-party.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

I was in my sister's DW last month as her MOH. In July she is having a PPD and is having 6 bridesmaids. They all had no problem purchasing a dress and wearing the bridesmaid shirts to her bachelorette party and calling themselves bridesmaids. Meanwhile, I am just so pissed off that I get to go through her wedding AGAIN in 3 weeks! More formal shots except this time with the "bridal party". I am getting my hair and make-up done again (my choice) but I still get to be her slave for the day. What makes it worse is it is my anniversary and my FI is not allowed to come to the pre-party prior to the start of the reception.

Yeah. . . I'd be skipping that shit, sorrynotsorry. I don't care if you are my sister, you are not only already married, but you are being rude as hell. I'd act like I was coming and then not show up or show up right at the end and blame my lateness on my hair and makeup.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

Nymeru said:

I don't think PPDs make a mockery of the commitment at all. I've been to two PPDs, and at both, the bride and groom cried giving their vows. The ceremony was VERY meaningful to them. That's really all that matters to me: a bride and groom/husband and wife vowing to love each other in front of all their friends and loved ones. What's not to like?

Are there shallow people out there who do make a mockery of it? I'm sure there are, but in general I feel that people should be allowed to celebrate their commitment to one another however they like. If you know the celebrants are shallow, money-grabbing people, simply don't go. Otherwise, wish them both well and enjoy the moment. It doesn't hurt anyone.

There's a lot not to like, and here it all is: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

bananasplit472001 · June 2014

MobKaz said:

bananasplit472001 said:

I was in my sister's DW last month as her MOH. In July she is having a PPD and is having 6 bridesmaids. They all had no problem purchasing a dress and wearing the bridesmaid shirts to her bachelorette party and calling themselves bridesmaids. Meanwhile, I am just so pissed off that I get to go through her wedding AGAIN in 3 weeks! More formal shots except this time with the "bridal party". I am getting my hair and make-up done again (my choice) but I still get to be her slave for the day. What makes it worse is it is my anniversary and my FI is not allowed to come to the pre-party prior to the start of the reception.

Oh hell no. Is pre-party "code" for gap for everyone else? Once the ceremony is over, your obligation as a bridal party member ends. I would insist that either my FI be included, or I would opt out of this exclusive pre-party.

Well technically my bridal party obligation ended one month ago during her legal ceremony. This pre-party consists of drinking at the hotel and passing around gifts given by the bride and groom. It will start at 3 pm and the wedding starts at 7:30 pm so no it is not considered a gap. But this also shouldn't be considered a wedding, but instead a party because their actual wedding was a month ago.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

MobKaz said:

bananasplit472001 said:

I was in my sister's DW last month as her MOH. In July she is having a PPD and is having 6 bridesmaids. They all had no problem purchasing a dress and wearing the bridesmaid shirts to her bachelorette party and calling themselves bridesmaids. Meanwhile, I am just so pissed off that I get to go through her wedding AGAIN in 3 weeks! More formal shots except this time with the "bridal party". I am getting my hair and make-up done again (my choice) but I still get to be her slave for the day. What makes it worse is it is my anniversary and my FI is not allowed to come to the pre-party prior to the start of the reception.

Oh hell no. Is pre-party "code" for gap for everyone else? Once the ceremony is over, your obligation as a bridal party member ends. I would insist that either my FI be included, or I would opt out of this exclusive pre-party.

Well technically my bridal party obligation ended one month ago during her legal ceremony. This pre-party consists of drinking at the hotel and passing around gifts given by the bride and groom. It will start at 3 pm and the wedding starts at 7:30 pm so no it is not considered a gap. But this also shouldn't be considered a wedding, but instead a party because their actual wedding was a month ago.

Yep, I would still skip it and have an anniversary meal with my FI instead.

annathy03 · June 2014

Inkdancer said:

Nymeru said:

I don't think PPDs make a mockery of the commitment at all. I've been to two PPDs, and at both, the bride and groom cried giving their vows. The ceremony was VERY meaningful to them. That's really all that matters to me: a bride and groom/husband and wife vowing to love each other in front of all their friends and loved ones. What's not to like?

Are there shallow people out there who do make a mockery of it? I'm sure there are, but in general I feel that people should be allowed to celebrate their commitment to one another however they like. If you know the celebrants are shallow, money-grabbing people, simply don't go. Otherwise, wish them both well and enjoy the moment. It doesn't hurt anyone.

I disagree. Just ask @MagicInk or any other number of people who can't get legally married where they live. The people who can get legal benefits, but say they don't "count"... that's pretty hurtful to people who would love to have those legal benefits but can't.

That's what really pisses me off about PPDs. More than the lying, more than the fakeness, it's the dismissal of rights that some people would do anything to have.

So much this. This and the lying- either straight up or by omission. You want to throw a party to celebrate your recent nuptials? Awesome. You want to invite me to a "wedding" and not tell me you're legally married? I'm going to be pissed if I find out later I spent my PTO and travel budget to see you not get legally married.

To the OP, I think your best course of action is to talk to her about why they are getting married before the "wedding" and gently point out that their friends and family might be hurt that they don't get to see the legal ceremony. There's not a great way to back out without causing drama, but you might be able to sway her from getting married beforehand or to rename the party as a celebration rather than a wedding. And wedding or PPD, you're never obligated to throw a bridal shower, but I agree I would be uncomfortable hosting one for a married woman.

ETA: There were supposed to be paragrahs!

sophhabobopha · June 2014

I'm so confused by these people. Why even go to the courthouse if the legality means nothing to you?

And OP, if it were me I'd just tell her how offensive her plan is.

Asked to be MOH at a PPD

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