sad and delicate situation

jules3964 · June 2014

Please give advice on a really sad, awkward, and delicate situation. I feel weird posting this (so I will give as few details as possible), but I can't stop thinking about it and I don't know the best way to approach it.

If you found out this morning through social media that your FI's grandmother had passed away two days ago, but no one has told your FI yet, what would you do?

A: Wait and see. Maybe his family is trying to contact him, and he hasn't called back. Maybe they are calling him at work right now. If at the end of the day it's clear that no one has attempted to call, gently let him know what you know and that he should call his family.

B: Call him at work and tell him as soon as possible.

C: Contact his family member (who he's not close to), let them know of the situation, and ask that someone from the family call him.

Edited, because paragraphs are needed.

Edited again, because I'm going to call and tell him. Thanks everyone — just a weird situation.

gmcr78 · June 2014

I would tell him what you saw and to call his family.

lyndausvi · June 2014

I would call my FI and tell him the situation. I don't understand withholding the information. Since it's already on FB, his family doesn't seem to care.

jules3964 · June 2014

lyndausvi said:

I would call my FI and tell him the situation. I don't understand withholding the information. Since it's already on FB, his family doesn't seem to care.

True. I just really felt like it should come from his parents. FI is not on FB.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

I would call and talk to him directly. If he's not close to his family, he might want the news to come from you anyway.

OliveOilsMom · June 2014

Wow, 2 days have passed and no one called yet? That's sad for more than one reason.

If it were me, I would call right away. Tell him/her that maybe you read cousin's post wrong, but that grandma may have passed and you should call your parents ASAP.

KatWAG · June 2014

I would call him immediately and tell him. Then I would have him call his family and figure where their communication broke down.

lyndausvi · June 2014

I feel like that ship as sailed. It's out there, you know. Tell him. It's not like you found a friend is having an affair and you do not know what to do. Someone in your FI's family has died, you know the information, what is the point of not telling him? There is no rule who tells someone bad information. Sure it would have been nice if they told him directly and you didn't find out through FB, but as I said, that ship as sailed.

gmcr78 · June 2014

If you don't tell him, you'll just be one more person who knew and didn't let him know. Think of it this way-if the roles were reversed and your family flaked on telling you something like this, wouldn't you want him, your future husband, to tell you what he found out so that you could get on the horn with family and find out what's going on?

jdluvr06 · June 2014

I think you should tell him.

jules3964 · June 2014

lyndausvi said:

I feel like that ship as sailed. It's out there, you know. Tell him. It's not like you found a friend is having an affair and you do not know what to do. Someone in your FI's family has died, you know the information, what is the point of not telling him? There is no rule who tells someone bad information. Sure it would have been nice if they told him directly and you didn't find out through FB, but as I said, that ship as sailed.

True. Thank you, and thank you everyone. I'll make the call now, don't know why I second-guessed it.

sarawifenow · June 2014

I would tell him right away. This is something that he needs to know and it might lessen the blow coming from you.

gladyscf · June 2014

My vote is to call him right away and tell him.

If it were me and my FI learned something like this and didn't tell me, I'd be pissed.

SBmini · June 2014

This happened to my husband last fall. I saw a message posted to Facebook by his sister about their grandfather passing. I immediately emailed my [then] fiance and asked if he had talked to his family today. He said no. I told him to call his sister right away. That way, he got the news from her- and not from Facebook.

AddieCake · June 2014

Tell him.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

This actually happened to me, but with not quite so much time. It was September 11, 2001 (yes, THAT 9/11), which was the second week of my freshman year in college. My afternoon classes had been canceled so I was dicking around online while watching the news and trying to calm down my panicked mother that no, I didn't think anyone would try to attack the major chemical plant in the town where my school was. Facebook wasn't around yet (at least, not at my school) but I was chatting with a friend on AIM (not even a very close friend, but someone who was also friends with my younger sister, who still lived at home). She said something along the lines of "I'm so sorry, you must be so sad." I said "umm... yeah, it's a really sad and scary day. But I don't know anyone in NYC." "No, I mean your grandpa dying."

Come again for Big Fudge?

My grandpa had been admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure (as he had several times before). My mom and her sisters were there with him. The hospital received a bomb threat and was about to go on lock-down. My grandpa urged them to leave, go home, be with their families. They insisted that as long as he was there, they were staying there with him. Stubborn old bastard said "ok then" and he died. Just like that.

I had SPOKEN TO MY MOTHER and she didn't tell me. She later said she "didn't want to stress me out any further" and would have told me the following weekend when I came home. I felt SO betrayed that I was the last one to find out. So many people knew, and kept it from me. Don't keep this from him.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

I saw your update, so I'm not trying to pile on exactly, but more generally state that any pertinent info about FIs family I tell him about. I have few secretes (sp?) from FI and none have anything to do with him or anything he would be interested I knowing. There would be no situation where I don't tell FI.

Bubblegum5586 · June 2014

Once anything is on FB it is public knowledge you can share away

jules3964 · June 2014

Thanks everyone. It's not that I wanted to keep it from him, I just wanted to spare him the pain of finding out second-hand via facebook, and not directly from his parent. But unfortunately that's the way it happened. Makes me angry. Now he's sad about both his grandmother and the fact that his family didn't care to tell him.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

lolo883 said:

This actually happened to me, but with not quite so much time. It was September 11, 2001 (yes, THAT 9/11), which was the second week of my freshman year in college. My afternoon classes had been canceled so I was dicking around online while watching the news and trying to calm down my panicked mother that no, I didn't think anyone would try to attack the major chemical plant in the town where my school was. Facebook wasn't around yet (at least, not at my school) but I was chatting with a friend on AIM (not even a very close friend, but someone who was also friends with my younger sister, who still lived at home). She said something along the lines of "I'm so sorry, you must be so sad." I said "umm... yeah, it's a really sad and scary day. But I don't know anyone in NYC." "No, I mean your grandpa dying."

Come again for Big Fudge?

My grandpa had been admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure (as he had several times before). My mom and her sisters were there with him. The hospital received a bomb threat and was about to go on lock-down. My grandpa urged them to leave, go home, be with their families. They insisted that as long as he was there, they were staying there with him. Stubborn old bastard said "ok then" and he died. Just like that.

I had SPOKEN TO MY MOTHER and she didn't tell me. She later said she "didn't want to stress me out any further" and would have told me the following weekend when I came home. I felt SO betrayed that I was the last one to find out. So many people knew, and kept it from me. Don't keep this from him.

Holy shit! Yeah, the death of a family member is not something that you with hold, no matter the situation. And she was going to wait an entire week to tell you?! Wow.

doeydo · June 2014

I would call right away and tell him. If he was more distant with his grandmother, I might wait until he got home to tell him.

Kauris · June 2014

I mean, I was upset at my mom for not telling me that my dog died, I can't imagine how I would feel if no one told me a family member passed.

I am very sorry for his loss, and his hurt toward family. Hopefully there is a very good reason.

manillabar · June 2014

lolo883 said:

This actually happened to me, but with not quite so much time. It was September 11, 2001 (yes, THAT 9/11), which was the second week of my freshman year in college. My afternoon classes had been canceled so I was dicking around online while watching the news and trying to calm down my panicked mother that no, I didn't think anyone would try to attack the major chemical plant in the town where my school was. Facebook wasn't around yet (at least, not at my school) but I was chatting with a friend on AIM (not even a very close friend, but someone who was also friends with my younger sister, who still lived at home). She said something along the lines of "I'm so sorry, you must be so sad." I said "umm... yeah, it's a really sad and scary day. But I don't know anyone in NYC." "No, I mean your grandpa dying."

Come again for Big Fudge?

My grandpa had been admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure (as he had several times before). My mom and her sisters were there with him. The hospital received a bomb threat and was about to go on lock-down. My grandpa urged them to leave, go home, be with their families. They insisted that as long as he was there, they were staying there with him. Stubborn old bastard said "ok then" and he died. Just like that.

I had SPOKEN TO MY MOTHER and she didn't tell me. She later said she "didn't want to stress me out any further" and would have told me the following weekend when I came home. I felt SO betrayed that I was the last one to find out. So many people knew, and kept it from me. Don't keep this from him.

something similar happened to me. I was in college and I had found out months before that two of the women who worked in the student center were related to my mom's family by marriage (they were sisters and their sister was married to my cousin). So I go in one day to get lunch, and one of them says to me, "you heard what happened to Uncle G (my uncle)?" I said "No," and she said "He died!" And I was just pretty much stunned. I called my mom afterward and she said she didn't want to tell me yet because I was away at school and she wanted to wait till I came home. One of my other sisters found out on facebook -_- Ever since then, we tell each other news (good and bad) ASAP before it gets all over facebook (or before you hear it at your student center lol).

I'm sorry for your FI's loss and that this is how he had to find out. But at least you could break it to him instead of him stumbling upon it on facebook, and at least he knows now instead of whenever one of the family members finally decided to tell him

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

kasmith1 said:
I mean, I was upset at my mom for not telling me that my dog died, I can't imagine how I would feel if no one told me a family member passed.

I am very sorry for his loss, and his hurt toward family. Hopefully there is a very good reason.

Oh! Yeah! My mom did that with my (family) dog too. She put him down while I was on vacation and didn't tell me til I got back. She's special.

Always be forthright. OP, I hope your FI took the news well. You're both in my thoughts.

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