Do I Get to be a Snowflake Yet?

LDay2014 · June 2014

So, you ladies have been ever so helpful in guiding me as we navigate the SIL/MIL relationship on FI's side. (Coles Notes: FI does not have a great relationship with his sister, his FSIL and FMIL have a very co-dependant relationship, she is an adult child living at home.) I find myself in need of your advice again.

Our wedding is October 4, 2014.

We had asked FSIL to be in the wedding, as family is important and wanted her to feel included, have had some issues along the way and in the end, I told her - in January - grey, knee length dress...go! Whatever you want, grey knee length. She's a plus size girl and I wanted her to feel comfortable so let both her and my MOH pick their own. I had asked her a few weeks back how the dress was coming (as she said she was likely going to have it made) and she kind of fluffed it off and gave me a non-answer and logged out of FB chat. Okay...so we were at the IL yesterday afternoon and since I can't get a straight answer out of FSIL, I asked FMIL for an update on how it was coming. She rolled her eyes (relating to FSIL) and said, she had brought home patterns for FSIL to look at but she wouldn't really bother with them and wanted to wait until school was over (end of this week) before doing anything

We are now just over 3 months away from the wedding and I'm a little nervous. I have no expectations of her beyond showing up in a grey knee length dress, sober on the day of the wedding...but not sure how FI and I should approach this at this point.

I have found some really pretty dresses online (one through Layne Bryant that I LOVE) and am half tempted to buy it for her and say 'here'...you're dressed... or do I leave it alone and see what happens?

Help Me.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Not your problem. If she continues to balk so long that she has literally nothing to wear, well she doesn't get to stand up with you. That is squarely on her because finding a dress, any dress, was her one and only responsibility. She still has time to take care of it, so try to breathe and let it go.

littlemushroom · June 2014

I would leave it alone. If she is going to buy off the rack from a store, then 3 months is plenty of time for her to find a dress. If she is plus size, she knows that Lane Bryant will have some good options for dresses and will likely look there herself. If FMIL (or whoever) is going to make a dress from a pattern, she knows how long that will take to make a dress and clearly isn't that worried about it.

Bottom line: You told her to get whatever she wants in the color and length, and you should let her do just that. There is plenty of time.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

Leave it alone, you don't want to hover at all and give her reason to be irritated.

lyndausvi · June 2014

Leave it alone. There is plenty of time to get a dress.

pegasuskat · June 2014

I would mention in conversation that I had saw a beautiful dress on this website, and then show her if she seems interested. But, then I would leave it alone.

lyndausvi · June 2014

I would like to add nagging does not motivate me at all. My sister is very organized and does things long before I do. I get things done, just at my own time. It drives my sister crazy. As long as it's done when it needs to that's all I care about.

When it comes to things like dresses I do not like to settle. If I'm not in love with something and I have a few more months I'm going to look a little longer. As the event gets closer and I haven't found something then I will settle. Regardless of when the dress is bought, I will be ready by the time of the event.

climbingsingle · June 2014

Agree with PPs. Leave it alone.

pinkcow13 · June 2014

lyndausvi, nagging does not motivate me either. I also procrastinate, and I prefer to pick a dress closer to an event.

LDay2014 · June 2014

Thank you ladies...we know it's a real possibility that she won't get one so just wanted to be prepared in case that happens. Hoping for the best while preparing so we aren't blindsided.

lilacck28 · June 2014

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??

climbingsingle · June 2014

lilacck28 said:
So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??

There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

lilacck28 · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

Okay. Because we're often telling people "well, if they don't get the dress, they've removed themselves from the wedding so problem solved" but I recently remembered my cousin's wedding, and how that piece of advice doesn't seem to actually happen in reality.

ETA: I'm not worried about this for myself. Just seemed like a pertinent off shoot of the topic.

LDay2014 · June 2014

This is kind of my worry...what's the relationship changing move here?

FSIL purposely not doing as requested and expecting to still be part of it or Bride and groom standing their ground and saying she's out for not doing what was asked?

Everyone's an adult and makes adult choices, which one is the lesser of the evils?

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

I don't really see it as a bridezilla-ish move, TBH... seems like more of a passive-aggressive attempt by the bridesmaids to exclude themselves by not getting the right dress and being purposely difficult. :-/

lilacck28 · June 2014

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

I don't really see it as a bridezilla-ish move, TBH... seems like more of a passive-aggressive attempt by the bridesmaids to exclude themselves by not getting the right dress and being purposely difficult. :-/

I agree. I wanted to say something. I would not have felt like my cousin was a bridezilla if she DID say something. It was a total dick move. The dresses weren't even close to the requested colors. And that was all that was requested, two colors and a length. The blue dresses, oddly enough, even clashed with each other, let alone the rest of us in pink and copper.

climbingsingle · June 2014

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

lilacck28 said:
So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

I don't really see it as a bridezilla-ish move, TBH... seems like more of a passive-aggressive attempt by the bridesmaids to exclude themselves by not getting the right dress and being purposely difficult. :-/

True. Maybe Bridezilla was a little harsh. But personally I'd probably do what the PP's cousin did. I'd let it go. Certainly more important things going on the day of the wedding.

photokitty · June 2014

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

I don't really see it as a bridezilla-ish move, TBH... seems like more of a passive-aggressive attempt by the bridesmaids to exclude themselves by not getting the right dress and being purposely difficult. :-/

Agreed. I don't think it is at all BZ to ask them to be guests instead of BMs when they show up like that. It is extremely disrespectful and mean spirited. They had 2 color choices and behaved like completely self absorbed brats. People like that should decline the offer of being in the wedding party.

This is why brides ask us if its ok to "approve" the dresses the BMs pick. Because bratty-brats pull this kind of BS.

lilacck28 · June 2014

LDay2014 said:

This is kind of my worry...what's the relationship changing move here?

FSIL purposely not doing as requested and expecting to still be part of it or Bride and groom standing their ground and saying she's out for not doing what was asked?

Everyone's an adult and makes adult choices, which one is the lesser of the evils?

In your situation... you mentioned she would be a reader, correct? So, not standing up next to other bridesmaids, which means "clashing" wouldn't be too much of an issue, and the fact that she wasn't in the color you requested would maybe not be very obvious to anyone not in the know. (ETA: in my cousin's case, it was very obvious. There were whispers throughout the wedding about how the groom's family must not approve of the wedding.) I would, one, talk to your Fiance about these possibilities and see what he says. It is his sister. And two, if I was correct about the reader thing, and that she would be standing alone, I'd probably let it go, even though your FSIL would be COMPLETELY in the wrong.

Also, if your bridesmaids will be in grey... that is a much easier color for things to go with. I can't think of a color next to grey that looks bad.

lilacck28 · June 2014

photokitty said:

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

I don't really see it as a bridezilla-ish move, TBH... seems like more of a passive-aggressive attempt by the bridesmaids to exclude themselves by not getting the right dress and being purposely difficult. :-/

Agreed. I don't think it is at all BZ to ask them to be guests instead of BMs when they show up like that. It is extremely disrespectful and mean spirited. They had 2 color choices and behaved like completely self absorbed brats. People like that should decline the offer of being in the wedding party.

This is why brides ask us if its ok to "approve" the dresses the BMs pick. Because bratty-brats pull this kind of BS.

For future reference, how would you word the bolded to the delinquent wedding party member?

LDay2014 · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

LDay2014 said:

This is kind of my worry...what's the relationship changing move here?

FSIL purposely not doing as requested and expecting to still be part of it or Bride and groom standing their ground and saying she's out for not doing what was asked?

Everyone's an adult and makes adult choices, which one is the lesser of the evils?

In your situation... you mentioned she would be a reader, correct? So, not standing up next to other bridesmaids, which means "clashing" wouldn't be too much of an issue, and the fact that she wasn't in the color you requested would maybe not be very obvious to anyone not in the know. (ETA: in my cousin's case, it was very obvious. There were whispers throughout the wedding about how the groom's family must not approve of the wedding.) I would, one, talk to your Fiance about these possibilities and see what he says. It is his sister. And two, if I was correct about the reader thing, and that she would be standing alone, I'd probably let it go, even though your FSIL would be COMPLETELY in the wrong.

Also, if your bridesmaids will be in grey... that is a much easier color for things to go with. I can't think of a color next to grey that looks bad.

No, She's not a reader...all that's required of her is to show up in the dress and be sober.

If it was up to FI, he'd have kicked her out...I'm trying to mitigate the damage here. He's very hurt by her behavior in all this.

Her passive aggressiveness is nothing new (and hindsight is always 20/20) if we'd foreshadowed any of this we never would have asked her. But as it is, trying to make the best of the situation

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

LDay2014 said:

This is kind of my worry...what's the relationship changing move here?

FSIL purposely not doing as requested and expecting to still be part of it or Bride and groom standing their ground and saying she's out for not doing what was asked?

Everyone's an adult and makes adult choices, which one is the lesser of the evils?

In your situation... you mentioned she would be a reader, correct? So, not standing up next to other bridesmaids, which means "clashing" wouldn't be too much of an issue, and the fact that she wasn't in the color you requested would maybe not be very obvious to anyone not in the know. (ETA: in my cousin's case, it was very obvious. There were whispers throughout the wedding about how the groom's family must not approve of the wedding.) I would, one, talk to your Fiance about these possibilities and see what he says. It is his sister. And two, if I was correct about the reader thing, and that she would be standing alone, I'd probably let it go, even though your FSIL would be COMPLETELY in the wrong.

Also, if your bridesmaids will be in grey... that is a much easier color for things to go with. I can't think of a color next to grey that looks bad.

Wait, she's a reader? I guess I wouldn't find it appropriate to dictate what a reader wears.

lilacck28 · June 2014

Ahh, I'm sorry. My mistake. I've been knotting too much and have gotten things confused.

I'm an artist. I'm really into aesthetics. If the dress she comes in is close enough, or looks okay, I'd go with it. I'd still be a little annoyed (I don't think a grey knee length dress is that difficult to find in theory) but I remember how hard it was to find a pink or copper dress that looked decent on me, even though there were tons of dresses in those colors that season. So maybe the custom made option was just too expensive, and she had a hard time finding a dress. If it looks like she made an effort to meet your request, I'd be mollified.

If it is clearly clashing, and is therefore an obvious "passive" aggressive move, which frankly signals discord within the family to the rest of your guests, I would have your fiance tell his sister to please be seated as a guest. Trying to think of optimal wording right now.

lilacck28 · June 2014

@pinkshorts27 nope, she's a bridesmaid. That was my mistake.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

lilacck28 said:
@pinkshorts27 nope, she's a bridesmaid. That was my mistake.

Gotcha, then I take back what I said.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

I think if it comes down to the wire - like maybe even the day before, at the rehearsal? - and she still hasn't gotten a dress yet, I would just say "That's perfectly alright; I understand. Don't stress about it. Wear whatever you like and we'll have you seated with the guests." And then bean dip the ever loving crap out of her.

You can still list her in the program as a bridesmaid, maybe even have her process and then sit with the mothers to keep the peace.

lilacck28 · June 2014

lolo883 said:

I think if it comes down to the wire - like maybe even the day before, at the rehearsal? - and she still hasn't gotten a dress yet, I would just say "That's perfectly alright; I understand. Don't stress about it. Wear whatever you like and we'll have you seated with the guests." And then bean dip the ever loving crap out of her.

THIS.

LDay2014 · June 2014

lolo883 said:

I think if it comes down to the wire - like maybe even the day before, at the rehearsal? - and she still hasn't gotten a dress yet, I would just say "That's perfectly alright; I understand. Don't stress about it. Wear whatever you like and we'll have you seated with the guests." And then bean dip the ever loving crap out of her.

You can still list her in the program as a bridesmaid, maybe even have her process and then sit with the mothers to keep the peace.

I love this...thank you.

No program, so that's easy peasy

Nymeru · June 2014

I agree. That sounds completely reasonable to quietly shuffle her off into the audience if she doesn't come through.

sophhabobopha · June 2014

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, say she doesn't get a grey, knee length dress. Say she gets a blue one. How do you go about telling her "no, you can't walk down the aisle or do the reading, you have taken yourself out of the wedding"?

I ask, because at my cousin's wedding years ago, I was a bridesmaid. We were told to get a light pink or copper dress. Two sisters (cousins of the groom) who were bridesmaids wore a dark blue and a turquoise dress instead. My cousin was flabbergasted, but didn't say anything or know what to do. They walked down the aisle like nothing was wrong. How do you avoid that situation??
There's no way to avoid that situation. These are adults. You can ask them to get a certain dress and if they don't, oh well. You can either act like a Bridezilla on the day of your wedding and kick them out or just go with the flow like your cousin did.

I don't really see it as a bridezilla-ish move, TBH... seems like more of a passive-aggressive attempt by the bridesmaids to exclude themselves by not getting the right dress and being purposely difficult. :-/

That's how I feel too.

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