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What is fair?

BlackLace2015BlackLace2015 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have a question about how far I should expect people to drive for my wedding. I live on the MA, NH border. I have strong sentimental connections to NH and the scenery and venues seem more suited to our style. However my fi has a lot of family in Mass so I don't want to inconvenience anyone. Is there a general rule for how far guests can be asked to travel? Thanks.  
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Re: What is fair?

  • offensivekitten2offensivekitten2 member
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    edited June 2014
    There is no general rule. You just choose between having more people being able make your wedding, or the venue.  It's entirely based on which is more important to you.  Distance WILL equal less attendees.



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  • BlackLace2015BlackLace2015 member
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    He wants to invite a TON of cousins and people he barely sees so to be completely honest if they can't make it that will save us some money, LOL. Not that I would ever do that on purpose. Also I plan to make transportation arrangements for our Moms so they don't have to drive.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    The only "rule of thumb" so to speak for driving to weddings is driving time between the wedding itself and the reception. Just generally how long it would take someone to get to the wedding does not matter. People will either be able to make it or not. 


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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Each guest's "rule of thumb" will be different and personal to them. Personally, I make my choice based on my fiscal situation at the time - if it's more than an hour away, I always get a hotel, so I weigh whether I can afford the gas/airfare and the gift and the hotel. If it's within an hour, it's just the gift. But everyone is different and everyone's financial situation is different.

    The only hard and fast rule is to never count on people not to come when you're planning your budget and the size of your venue. You have to plan for 100% attendance, regardless of the distance.
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  • bmydesignerbmydesigner member
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    Everyone is different. Keep in mind if you have a lot of older relatives, they don't travel as well as others.

    I'm okay with traveling about two hours away to a wedding, anymore than that I'd have to get a hotel. If I have to get a hotel, there's a less likely chance I'll come unless we're really close. That's just me though, you and FI know your guests.

    If you decide to go with something in NH, just set up a hotel block for your guests to stay at if they feel it's too far.
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  • KickAssMOHKickAssMOH member
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    I live in the Boston area and have seen many friends/coworkers plan weddings up in NH or ME. It's very scenic, and quite frankly, alot less expensive than Boston. Go for it.
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
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    Like PPs said, how far guests are willing to travel for a wedding varies widely from person to person. It's certainly not rude to invite someone to a wedding that's far from their home. The guests from Mass would be less likely to attend, but you still need to budget for 100% attendance. It also sounds like you and your FI need to get on the same page about how many people you can afford to host and how you'll prioritize who to invite, instead of just hoping that the distant cousins won't want to come.
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  • BlackLace2015BlackLace2015 member
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    blabla89 said:
    Like PPs said, how far guests are willing to travel for a wedding varies widely from person to person. It's certainly not rude to invite someone to a wedding that's far from their home. The guests from Mass would be less likely to attend, but you still need to budget for 100% attendance. It also sounds like you and your FI need to get on the same page about how many people you can afford to host and how you'll prioritize who to invite, instead of just hoping that the distant cousins won't want to come.
    My plan is to get his list (which he will probably coordinate with his Mom on) and then present some budgets. Once he sees how expensive it is he will have time to cut the guest list before we settle on a venue or send out Save the Dates. Right now I am just looking for a venue that can hold up to 200 because he knows that would be the limit.
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  • saacjwsaacjw member
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    With the exception of a few people (mom, dad, one brother, a handful of old family friends) most of my guests had to travel 3+ hours, because we had the wedding in my hometown after attending school and living in another state and my husband's family was from about 12 hours away. I have only once not had to travel at least 3 hours to get to a wedding and have declined going to some because of that.

    People make that judgement call on their own, but in all honesty, it's difficult for most people to have a wedding where someone is not going to have to travel to get there. This is absolutely a situation where you do what's best for you and for your VIPs and let everyone figure it out for themselves. 
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  • BlackLace2015BlackLace2015 member
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    Thanks ladies! I was freaking out over making people drive more than one hour. I was about to break out a map and pins and triangulate some elaborate plan hahahaha. I will just pick a place we both love and try to relax. xoxox
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  • csuavecsuave member
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    BlackLace2015 said:
    He wants to invite a TON of cousins and people he barely sees so to be completely honest if they can't make it that will save us some money, LOL. Not that I would ever do that on purpose. Also I plan to make transportation arrangements for our Moms so they don't have to drive.

    On a different topic you must be prepared to have 100% attendance and base your budget on that, but I also recommend doing some math on what a low RSVP rate will look like for you.  If you have a low RSVP then you may not be able to meet the minimum so to be prepared for that look for venues that will negotiate the minimum down before you sign a contract or have low minimums to begin with.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    It's situational, depending on each person's individual circumstances, but the farther away you ask your guests to drive, the more likely you are to have declines.
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  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 member
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    I'd make sure there are hotels close by just in case family and friends don't want to drive back to their home that night. Also consider getting a discount rate for the hotel (no cost to you!)

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  • annathy03annathy03 member
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    csuave said:
    BlackLace2015 said:
    He wants to invite a TON of cousins and people he barely sees so to be completely honest if they can't make it that will save us some money, LOL. Not that I would ever do that on purpose. Also I plan to make transportation arrangements for our Moms so they don't have to drive.

    On a different topic you must be prepared to have 100% attendance and base your budget on that, but I also recommend doing some math on what a low RSVP rate will look like for you.  If you have a low RSVP then you may not be able to meet the minimum so to be prepared for that look for venues that will negotiate the minimum down before you sign a contract or have low minimums to begin with.
    This is good advice.  We nixed some venues because their minimum was very close to our budget, which meant declines wouldn't save us anything.  Finding a venue that had a minimum that was about half our budget saved us thousands when we did get declines, though we were prepared to pay for 100% attendance (and didn't invite over the venue capacity, remember it isn't just money you can run out of- your photographers, DJ etc all count for fire code).
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  • ashleyepashleyep member
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    edited June 2014
    KickAssMOH said:
    I live in the Boston area and have seen many friends/coworkers plan weddings up in NH or ME. It's very scenic, and quite frankly, alot less expensive than Boston. Go for it.
    Me too. I  wouldn't bat an eye over it, especially for family. I usually get a hotel room anyway, even if it's not *that* far. The one wedding I didn't was in Boston. We took the T home.
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  • beetherybeethery member
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    @blacklace2015 I saw the location on the NH board, and that town can be kind of a haul unless you're already out towards western MA. From Boston>South, it would be at least 2 hours depending on traffic. I did directions from my parents house in NH, and it was still an hour, and they're only 25 minutes from Milford. It really all depends on your crowd though.
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  • yogablossomyogablossom member
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    I think the only "distance" issue would be the driving time between the ceremony and reception venues, if there is one at all. Otherwise, NH is beautiful! Go for it!

    My fiance and I are living up in NH right now and we frequently drive the 2 hours back to our homes in MA, which is where we will be getting married. It's really not a bad drive at all, and you don't even really have to find somewhere that far north in NH either!
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
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    I keep seeing the distance of a couple hours coming into play here... I drive that every weekend, hahaha, and I don't even get close to the other side of the state. A year ago, I drove two hours to the airport to get a friend of mine, and the only wedding I've ever gone to as an adult was four hours away doing ten-ish over the speed limit all the way there.

    Just for perspective. Haha. To properly answer: I think if they're that important to you (and vice versa), they'll do their best to make it happen. If not, ain't no thang, they couldn't make it work.
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  • OnionBreathOnionBreath member
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    I don't know that area, but I would comfortably travel for a wedding within 2-2.5 hours each way in the same day if I didn't plan to stay the night. If I was close enough to the couple, I would happily find a hotel room if it were on a Friday or a Saturday. 
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  • ab6704aab6704a member
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    We just got married in a town close to the NH and MA border and had quite a few guests who came down from Maine. Some stayed in town overnight and some drove home. Ironically some people who live very close to us did not come and those that had to fly in from VA and GA did. You'll be surprised at the RSVPs that you get.
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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    I drove 6.5 hours each way to see a friend get married. I know I surprised her on that one.

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  • BlackLace2015BlackLace2015 member
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    I'm looking at the Troy/Keene area. :)
    yogablossom said:
    I think the only "distance" issue would be the driving time between the ceremony and reception venues, if there is one at all. Otherwise, NH is beautiful! Go for it!

    My fiance and I are living up in NH right now and we frequently drive the 2 hours back to our homes in MA, which is where we will be getting married. It's really not a bad drive at all, and you don't even really have to find somewhere that far north in NH either!

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  • ab6704aab6704a member
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    I work down in MA and I'd have no problem driving that distance up to Keene for a wedding.

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  • BlackLace2015BlackLace2015 member
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    I don't know why I'm so terrified to inconvenience fi's family! LOL
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