Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??

casyme · March 2012

This isn't a question, just a rant that many of you can probably relate to. WHY do people think it's ok to invite themselves to your wedding, or try to force you to invite other people?!? We are having a medium-sized wedding (80 people) and want to be surrounded only by those we love dearly and see often, and we are paying for this 100% our damn selves. And yet this keeps happening:

- Old college friend who I talk to only via Faceboo and have no intention of inviting: "When's your wedding? I hope I can make it, let me know!"

- FFIL: "I'm going to call Old Uncle So-and-So [whom FI has never even met] and tell them about the wedding...What do you mean you're not inviting them? You have to. And they'll definitely come."

- FMIL: "I'm going to invite my Old Friend So-and-So to your shower. Oh, so she has to be invited to the wedding to be invited to the shower? Well, that's silly, but I guess you'll just have to invite her to the wedding then."

We're handling these on a case-by-case basis, but I am so annoyed. Where do people learn their manners?

sparent2010 · March 2012

Why doesn't your FI talk to his parents then?

RupertPenny · March 2012

Because people are assholes. That is really the only explanation, sorry.

mgg242 · March 2012

I wonder the same thing! My FSIL wanted 7 additional people. FI nor I have ever seen these people in the 5 years we've been dating! Good luck!

AMYM312 · March 2012

Tell them you have already made your guest list and would like to keep it to close friends and family only.

NOLAbridealmost · March 2012

Because they're either too dumb to realize how challenging it is to plan a wedding guest list or too inconsiderate to care. Just breathe and stick to your guns. Try to avoid all wedding talk on FB and around non invitees. Commit "I'm sorry but we just couldnt invite everyone we wanted" to memory.

baystateapple · March 2012

I think a lot of people don't realize how expensive weddings are, or have gotten in the past few years. It's the same explanation for why people RSVP yes and then randomly decide the week of that they aren't going to come and aren't planning on notifying anyone. I'm not talking about emergencies, I'm talking about people who just decide for whatever reason that they're not going to show up and don't tell the B&G. It's frustrating, but unfortunately there's not much you can do about it in your situation other than stick to your guns and tell them that they're not to add people to the guest lists of either wedding OR shower.

As for your old college friend, I'd just do the usual "Our guest list isn't made up yet," route. Most people don't bring it up again, even when they realize that they're not invited, because it's just awkward. Although I did have someone (a friend from GRADE SCHOOL that I haven't seen in about four years) have her sister ask me over FB if she was invited to my wedding. That was awkward.

zitiqueen · March 2012

Because people let them.

casyme · March 2012

@AmyM312 - That's exactly what we're doing. This will be handled, but I'm still shocked how otherwise perfectly polite people just lose their minds when it comes to a wedding, and think that they can just invite whoever they want.

dmiller9274 · March 2012

Unless someone has had or paid for a large wedding, I don't think people realize how expensive it is. These people are your friends and family, don't assume the worst in them, assume that they are happy for you and want to share in an exciting day for you.

em01092 · March 2012

Are your FILs paying for part of the wedding? If so, then I think they should have more of a say in the GL than if they are not paying.

Your FMIL may just come from a family where weddings are big to-dos and may be concerned about how her family will react to not being invited to her kid's wedding when they are invited to all of the other cousins, siblings, etc. This is the case with mine, anyway. You are not wrong for wanting a smaller wedding.

casyme · March 2012

@em01092: Nope, not a dime.

em01092 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-why-do-people-think-they-can-hijack-your-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:40f555bf-3e05-4fba-b04b-2ae898dd5686Post:b3984fb3-52e8-4c89-8061-f470a1777023">Re: Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??</a>:
[QUOTE]@em01092: Nope, not a dime.
Posted by casyme[/QUOTE]

<div>Then yeah, you definitely have every right to blow her off. She probably thinks these distant family members will care more about being "left out" than they really will. Have your FI talk to her if you are having trouble getting the point across. </div>

sbelle85 · March 2012

We had some similar things happen and it's very frustrating! My grandmother took it upon herself to invite several distant relatives who I haven't seen or talked to in at least 15 years. This caused a chain reaction of "Well, if they're invited you have to invite so and so..."

We also had several of my fiance's distant relatives who we hadn't intended to invite basically invite themselves and others ('I'm excited about the wedding - we already made hotel arrangements. I'm not sure yet if my mother and cousin X will be able to attend, but they're checking their schedules and I'll let you know.") None of these people were on the invite list, but of course after that, we had to invite them.

Fortunately, my parents are understanding and said that they don't have a problem paying for the additional people and would rather do that than deal with the drama of excluding them. It just annoys me because of the sheer rudeness of it. I think my grandmother assumes that because my dad can afford to pay for all of these extra people, that there's no problem with her inviting them. I resent being basically cornered into inviting these people. I want to just tell them this is our wedding - not an excuse for certain relatives to have a family reunion with the guest list at their discretion and at our expense. If we intend to invite someone, they'll receive an invitation. If not, I don't want to hear about it. It's not anyone else's place to tell us that so and so "should be invited".

brenda2011Wed139476 · March 2012

Oh, I know what you mean! My sister was planning on a small wedding with a backyard reception. When my one aunt, who THINKS she has tact, was told about her engagement, she said "oh, I hope we are invited". So, my sister, who claims she has brass ones, gave in and invited aunts and uncles, but no cousins. Then, same aunt, questioned how would my one aunt get to the wedding if one of her kids wasn't invited. So, instead of asking if anyone would bring my aunt to the wedding, she gave into my aunt AGAIN and invited only ONE cousin, whom no one really cares for cause all she brings is drama. There were THREE people willing to drive my aunt, but my sister never bothered to check first. I am so not looking forward to my wedding list finalization. If anyone tries to bully me, I will say "hey, if you want to pay the extra, sure you can come!"

musicalcanadianbride · March 2012

My parents are contributing significantly to the budget, but we are also contributing quite a bit. My parents have told us of their preferences, but they're leaving it pretty much up to us. The guest list has been kept confidential between me and my fiancé, my parents, and his parents. Luckily, everyone knows how to keep their mouths shut.

Honestly, if you are footing the bill 100% yourselves, then it's none of their business who is on it. Let them find out at the wedding, when they can't do anything about it. (If they're the kind who will make a huge deal of it between now and the wedding, of course. If they're totally chill about it, then share away.)

eripat17 · March 2012

ugh, I think every Bride and Groom goes through this! I had a co-worker that I barely knew catch me in the break room and say "I know this is really rude, but can I be invited to your wedding?" Ummm.....wow so I told her that the guest list wasn't complete and that I'd do what I could but I could not guarentee anything at this point hoping that she would forget about it. THEN about a month later I went into the breakroom where she was talking to other co-workers (who were invited to our wedding because I'm much closer with them and have known them for years) and as soon as she saw me exclaimed "I bought a dress to wear to your wedding! Now I just need a date!" UMMM WHAT?! First of all I haven't formally invited you yet, second of all I never said you could bring anyone! I don't even know if I can fit you on the list nevermind some guy (she's currently single) that you find so you can have a date!!! So needless to say I know exactly how you feel. My grandmother also likes to ask me why I'm not inviting Great-Aunt So and So twice removed and her 3 kids whom I've never met...I let my mother handle those questions!!! lol

rsreese · March 2012

Ugh I completely understand....its sooooo frustrating! It seems like every week someone who isn't on our guest list says "I can't wait til your wedding day! We're gonna have so much fun!" or "I can't wait to party with you on your wedding day!" How am I supposed to respond to that? And its people that are not family members and that I don't even talk to on a regular basis! I would never expect to be invited someone's wedding just because we see each other occasionally and just say hi and bye.

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-why-do-people-think-they-can-hijack-your-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:40f555bf-3e05-4fba-b04b-2ae898dd5686Post:9ca7f6c1-9584-4a3b-87b5-6e67ae8955eb">Re: Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??</a>:
[QUOTE]We had some similar things happen and it's very frustrating! My grandmother took it upon herself to invite several distant relatives who I haven't seen or talked to in at least 15 years. This caused a chain reaction of "Well, if they're invited you have to invite so and so..." We also had several of my fiance's distant relatives who we hadn't intended to invite basically invite themselves and others ('I'm excited about the wedding - we already made hotel arrangements. I'm not sure yet if my mother and cousin X will be able to attend, but they're checking their schedules and I'll let you know.") <strong>None of these people were on the invite list, but of course after that, we had to invite them.</strong> Fortunately, my parents are understanding and said that they don't have a problem paying for the additional people and would rather do that than deal with the drama of excluding them. It just annoys me because of the sheer rudeness of it. I think my grandmother assumes that because my dad can afford to pay for all of these extra people, that there's no problem with her inviting them. I resent being basically cornered into inviting these people. I want to just tell them this is our wedding - not an excuse for certain relatives to have a family reunion with the guest list at their discretion and at our expense. If we intend to invite someone, they'll receive an invitation. If not, I don't want to hear about it. It's not anyone else's place to tell us that so and so "should be invited".
Posted by sbelle85[/QUOTE]

No, you didn't. See my previous post. You're <em>letting</em> them corner you. You are <em>allowing</em> this to happen. It's not their fault you don't have a spine.

Briannasteve · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-why-do-people-think-they-can-hijack-your-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:40f555bf-3e05-4fba-b04b-2ae898dd5686Post:47337c07-579e-4372-b6d9-ad7768c368b5">Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??</a>:
[QUOTE]This isn't a question, just a rant that many of you can probably relate to. WHY do people think it's ok to invite themselves to your wedding, or try to force you to invite other people?!? We are having a medium-sized wedding (80 people) and want to be surrounded only by those we love dearly and see often, and we are paying for this 100% our damn selves. And yet this keeps happening: - <strong>Old college friend who I talk to only via Faceboo and have no intention of inviting: "When's your wedding? I hope I can make it, let me know!" </strong>- FFIL: "I'm going to call Old Uncle So-and-So [whom FI has never even met] and tell them about the wedding...What do you mean you're not inviting them? You have to. And they'll definitely come." - FMIL: "I'm going to invite my Old Friend So-and-So to your shower. Oh, so she has to be invited to the wedding to be invited to the shower? Well, that's silly, but I guess you'll just have to invite her to the wedding then." We're handling these on a case-by-case basis, but I am so annoyed. Where do people learn their manners?
Posted by casyme[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I have had this happen to me since day one. FI and I went to HS together so we have had ppl we went to HS with ask us, and try and push for an invite... I dont understand why, there is no reason why people from facebook should be fishing for an invite. Its so rude too.

</div>

mbrischoux · March 2012

We had one of his family members do this and then tell us that we had to invite these people bwecause she already told them to save the date. My husband set this person straight.

Good luck!

sbelle85 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-why-do-people-think-they-can-hijack-your-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:40f555bf-3e05-4fba-b04b-2ae898dd5686Post:119d38f3-0278-449c-a38f-2b06efe7c1ad">Re: Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list?? : No, you didn't. See my previous post. You're letting them corner you. You are allowing this to happen. It's not their fault you don't have a spine.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>This comment is completely unnecessary and uncalled for. I don't have a spine? Wrong. I have respect for my parents, who are paying for the wedding, and they would rather pay for these people to attend than deal with the fallout. It wasn't my decision.</div>

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-why-do-people-think-they-can-hijack-your-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:40f555bf-3e05-4fba-b04b-2ae898dd5686Post:e7ef2da8-1269-4ee6-ab99-b1381d1f100b">Re: Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list?? : This comment is completely unnecessary and uncalled for. I don't have a spine? Wrong. I have respect for my parents, who are paying for the wedding, and they would rather pay for these people to attend than deal with the fallout. It wasn't my decision.
Posted by sbelle85[/QUOTE]

Okay, then your parents don't have spines. Willingly bending over for people instead of standing up for yourselves isn't the same as showing them respect. It's just being a doormat.

I stand by my earlier post -- people hijack invite lists because they are allowed to.

sbelle85 · March 2012

Once again, the personal insults directed at me/my parents are not only unnecessary, they're a violation of the terms of this board.

In our culture, it's traditional to show deference and respect to your elders, especially your parents. It's laughable that you would suggest my father is a doormat, because he's actually the opposite. There's a difference in being a doormat and in making reasonable concessions to make the situation easier on yourself, especially when you're put in a position where you have one of two options and both lead to an undesirable outcome. In this case, invite these people despite the fact that we wanted a smaller wedding with close friends and close family members only, or tell them no and create rifts in the family that will persist for years.

So, I can relate to other brides who have been forced into a similar situation where they have make a choice out of a bank of options which are all unsatisfactory. It's not a fun position to be in, and it's usually NOT because the bride or her family are "doormats".

Vanessa Evans · March 2012

I just have to add to these posts and post my little rant here. My FI's cousin invited people that he deemed neccessary to invite. I'm feeling like a jerk because I knew the people that he invited but over the years we've become distant and more seperated. Now my FI and I are paying for our wedding by ourselves and up until just recently we didn't even have a venue. Now when we got engaged, his cousin invited these people and they live several states away. They have already bought plane tickets (neither received any information from me - just decided that since we were close in the past that they should receive an invitation) and have done all this prep work to be at the wedding. We just moved the wedding back a year - it was supposed to be this summer instead of next and now it's next year. I don't want to invite these people to the wedding - one reason being that I don't talk to them anymore but on the other hand I feel like a tool not inviting them since they are so excited that they have already bought tickets. However, that being said they still aren't getting STDs or invitations. My FMIL has tried the: "send these people invites but don't worry, they won't come" guesture. We've added them to the annoucement list.

Rant: Why do people think they can hijack your invite list??

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