Co-Worker Bridal Shower

perdonami · June 2014

So recently I have heard some rumors going about that some of my co-workers are planning to host me a bridal shower at work and that some of the ladies were planning to take me out for a night out for a bachelorette party.

Both of these events are supposed to be a surprise and I am not suppose to have any knoweledge about said festivities. However, none of my co-workers are invited to the wedding.

So, I am at a loss of how to cope with this situation. How do I approach my co-workers who have the kindest of intentions? Or do I even approach them? After all they are at this point rumors in my book. No one has officially said, "hey girl! We're taking you out!"

April192002 · June 2014

If it's a surprise then it could be something you can't even decline - like you show up at work and they call you into the breakroom with snacks, cake, and gifts. If they offer to take you out for a bachelorette party, then you can respectfully decline if you want but I would say it would more depend on how they're acting (and if you even want to go out with them). If they're being all crazy talking about how they can't wait to go to the wedding, then I would decline in a heartbeat. If they're saying things more along the lines of we want an excuse to go party or we want to share your wedding excitement with you in some way, then go for it. If they're not a bridesmaid or family, then it's not really "their place" to throw such an event, and women *should* know this!

tigersgirlgv · June 2014

Work showers are very common and are an exception to the "everyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding" rule. So no worries there.

The surprise bachelorette on the other hand I'm not so sure about. Obviously, if it is truly a surprise there's nothing you can do about it. I'm guessing that you found out about the surprise because someone let it slip. Could you go to that person, or just someone you're close with, and mention that you would love to have a girls' night out, but that it doesn't need to be centered around your wedding? If not, I'd say just go with the flow and try to minimize talk about the wedding at work, so no one gets the impression they'll be invited.

dramamonkey · June 2014

It is my understanding that, like a church shower, a co-worker shower is OK - you aren't expected to invite them all to your wedding.

My boss hosted a lovely shower at her home for all the females we work with. None (except boss) were invited to my wedding.

perdonami · June 2014

April192002 said:

If they're not a bridesmaid or family, then it's not really "their place" to throw such an event, and women *should* know this!

Although I really appreciate your advice, I think this last bit is not true. I think anyone invited to the wedding can throw you a bridal shower if that is what they really want to do.

Besides, aren't close friends like family anyway?

WildMagelet · June 2014

What is it that you're concerned about? That they aren't invited to the wedding? That you feel uncomfortable with them making you the center of attention at work?

Work and church showers are typically the exception to the pre-wedding event = event invite rule.

Also, anyone can offer to host a shower or party, it doesn't have to be a BM or a family member.

April192002 · June 2014

perdonami said:

April192002 said:

If they're not a bridesmaid or family, then it's not really "their place" to throw such an event, and women *should* know this!

Although I really appreciate your advice, I think this last bit is not true. I think anyone invited to the wedding can throw you a bridal shower if that is what they really want to do.

Besides, aren't close friends like family anyway?

Stuck in Box:
I did specifically state bridesmaids and family (and we can extend that to close friends who are like family), but these women aren't even invited to your wedding and I still think that it's not their place to throw a bachelorette party or outside of work shower.

perdonami · June 2014

flutterbride2b said:

What is it that you're concerned about? That they aren't invited to the wedding? That you feel uncomfortable with them making you the center of attention at work?

Work and church showers are typically the exception to the pre-wedding event = event invite rule.

Also, anyone can offer to host a shower or party, it doesn't have to be a BM or a family member.

To the bolded is my concern.. I feel like its kind of rude and gift grabby. I was unaware that office bridal showers were an exception to the rule. Can someone please explain the reasoning on why office showers are different?

Also, since office showers are the exception, would it be okay for me to provide a cake thanking everyone for their thoughtfulness? I kind of already said I wanted to bring a cake to one of our staff meetings since I felt bad I couldn't invite anyone and I know a few who really would have liked to go. This notion I think is what brought on the bridal shower idea come to think about it.

Nymeru · June 2014

Honestly, if the shower is truly supposed to be a surprise, you're under no obligation to invite your coworkers to your wedding. The fact that it is a surprise means that they are wanting to do something nice for you, and it might be seen as very rude/ungrateful if you don't accept it with good grace. It's not gift-grabby if you didn't ask for it, arrange it or expect it.

While I like the idea of you providing a cake, it wouldn't make sense for you to bring the cake to the "surprise shower", or else it's not a surprise and some of your coworkers could misconstrue that as you tacitly acknowledging that they are most likely invited to your wedding. Bring the cake, but not to the shower.

When you said "I kind of already said I wanted to bring a cake to one of our staff meetings since I felt bad I couldn't invite anyone and I know a few who really would have liked to go." did you literally tell people that no one was invited to the wedding?

perdonami · June 2014

@nymeru When some of my co-workers asked if they were invited I explained that unfortunately I was unable to invite everyone I would have liked too. Which is true. I would have loved to accommodate a slightly larger guest list but I simply was unable too.

So I guess, its best to skip the cake then. However, I would have still brought it if my co-worker didn't mention anything to me.

Angusaur · June 2014

I think people from work generally know they are not invited but still want to do the shower/bach thing. The shower is totally cool. The bachelorette thing depends on your comfort level. I would feel horrible declining either things though.

Nymeru · June 2014

@perdonami

Maybe after the shower is thrown, you could bring a thank-you cake to your work to show them how much you appreciated their kind gesture. I'm sure they'd all appreciate that.

blabla89 · June 2014

perdonami said:

flutterbride2b said:

What is it that you're concerned about? That they aren't invited to the wedding? That you feel uncomfortable with them making you the center of attention at work?

Work and church showers are typically the exception to the pre-wedding event = event invite rule.

Also, anyone can offer to host a shower or party, it doesn't have to be a BM or a family member.

To the bolded is my concern.. I feel like its kind of rude and gift grabby. I was unaware that office bridal showers were an exception to the rule. Can someone please explain the reasoning on why office showers are different?

Also, since office showers are the exception, would it be okay for me to provide a cake thanking everyone for their thoughtfulness? I kind of already said I wanted to bring a cake to one of our staff meetings since I felt bad I couldn't invite anyone and I know a few who really would have liked to go. This notion I think is what brought on the bridal shower idea come to think about it.

Office showers are different because they're smaller than a normal shower, and usually fairly impersonal. It's just a thing that coworkers do for each other, like office birthdays and office baby showers. Usually coworkers don't expect to be invited to the wedding.

In my office, showers are usually pretty simple - some decorations and cake in a conference room, and the department head gives a gift card. So bringing a cake yourself might take some of the fun out of it, especially if it's supposed to be a surprise. I think a nice thank you note to each person who participated would be a nice way to thank them.

As for taking you out for a bach party, that strikes me as kind of odd, unless you go out with these coworkers regularly. If you do, and they just want to take you out for *a* drink then I say go for it. If you don't hang out with them outside work, or they want to go bar hopping, then you can politely decline. Either way, I wouldn't bring it up unless they say something to you about it.

AddieCake · June 2014

I think these are fine. Different rules apply with work people doing this for you.

ashleyep · June 2014

You spend 40+ hours a week with your coworkers. Work showers are just a way of them acknowledging this big event in your life. But they're coworkers, not necessarily friends, so they usually don't expect to be invited. They're usually informal - in a conference or break room during the day with a few snacks and maybe a collection from your coworkers towards a gift.

If you want, bring a cake *after* the shower to thank everyone. Bringing one to your surprise work shower is kind of weird.

If you have a history of going for drinks with your female coworkers I wouldn't think it weird or inappropriate. Maybe this is what they meant and not anything *really* resembling a bachelorette party? It wouldn't be weird for a bunch of girls at my office to all go out for drinks to celebrate someone getting married (or birthday, or whatever) - they might even jokingly call it a bachelorette party. But it's usually over by 8PM and it's usually on a work night.

photokitty · June 2014

I don't agree with the thinking that work showers follow the same lines as church showers.

If the boss throws a shower and invites all the female coworkers everyone basically HAS to attend and BUY you a gift. It's your boss, it may not be a subpoena, but it sure as hell feels like one.

I would immediately start dropping the fact that you can't invite any coworkers. That way if they are planning it bc they think you are close enough that they will be invited to the wedding, and as a result feel they should throw a work shower, they have time to change their mind or what they will throw. Perhaps they would still celebrate but not buy you gifts etc.

I think that if an office shower is just cake and punch with no gifts it follows the same rules as a church shower and you don't have to invite everyone. Otherwise I would feel obligated to invite all that were there.

dramamonkey said:

It is my understanding that, like a church shower, a co-worker shower is OK - you aren't expected to invite them all to your wedding. My boss hosted a lovely shower at her home for all the females we work with. None (except boss) were invited to my wedding.

Sorry Dramamonkey, but I think you should have declined this. I would have felt obligated to go and buy you a nice gift. I would feel it was gift grabby and I think it is inappropriate for a boss to hold it outside of work hours. No offense to you, but I think it put your coworkers in a ver awkward situation.

ashleyep · June 2014

photokitty said:

I don't agree with the thinking that work showers follow the same lines as church showers.
If the boss throws a shower and invites all the female coworkers everyone basically HAS to attend and BUY you a gift. It's your boss, it may not be a subpoena, but it sure as hell feels like one.

I would immediately start dropping the fact that you can't invite any coworkers. That way if they are planning it bc they think you are close enough that they will be invited to the wedding, and as a result feel they should throw a work shower, they have time to change their mind or what they will throw. Perhaps they would still celebrate but not buy you gifts etc.

I think that if an office shower is just cake and punch with no gifts it follows the same rules as a church shower and you don't have to invite everyone. Otherwise I would feel obligated to invite all that were there.

dramamonkey said:

It is my understanding that, like a church shower, a co-worker shower is OK - you aren't expected to invite them all to your wedding. My boss hosted a lovely shower at her home for all the females we work with. None (except boss) were invited to my wedding.

Sorry Dramamonkey, but I think you should have declined this. I would have felt obligated to go and buy you a nice gift. I would feel it was gift grabby and I think it is inappropriate for a boss to hold it outside of work hours. No offense to you, but I think it put your coworkers in a ver awkward situation.

At my work it's usually admins that plan it, so there's really no pressure. It's usually "stop by my desk if you want to contribute something towards a gift."

But yeah, a shower at the boss's house? I'd feel like I had to attend, just like I felt like I had to attend when my boss had an open house/cookout at his house and invited everyone.

I don't think I would go to a work shower outside of work hours.

Fran1985 · June 2014

So a "work shower" typically means cupcakes in the break room, and usually people have pitched in for one or two gifts. So each person usually contributes $5-20. Thats why it gets the exception, it doesn't have the same expectations as a regular shower. A boss hosting a shower at her house, when she is the only one invited, is totally different and I wouldn't count that as a "work shower" even though it involved people from work.

perdonami · June 2014

Nymeru said:

@perdonami

Maybe after the shower is thrown, you could bring a thank-you cake to your work to show them how much you appreciated their kind gesture. I'm sure they'd all appreciate that.

Nymeru I love this idea!

perdonami · June 2014

Fran1985 said:

So a "work shower" typically means cupcakes in the break room, and usually people have pitched in for one or two gifts. So each person usually contributes $5-20. Thats why it gets the exception, it doesn't have the same expectations as a regular shower. A boss hosting a shower at her house, when she is the only one invited, is totally different and I wouldn't count that as a "work shower" even though it involved people from work.

Okay, well this concerns me a tab bit then.. As some of my co-workers keep asking where I am registered even after I told them not to worry about getting me a gift. Pretty sure the same co-worker that let it slip they are planning surprise activities also told them where I am registered. This also the same co-worker that I spend time with outside of work.

Not to mention the baby showers we have had in the office in the past included gifts, poutluck food, and a large cake.. Nothing like you ladies have described.

My office has an interesting culture..

photokitty · June 2014

perdonami said:

Fran1985 said:

So a "work shower" typically means cupcakes in the break room, and usually people have pitched in for one or two gifts. So each person usually contributes $5-20. Thats why it gets the exception, it doesn't have the same expectations as a regular shower. A boss hosting a shower at her house, when she is the only one invited, is totally different and I wouldn't count that as a "work shower" even though it involved people from work.

Okay, well this concerns me a tab bit then.. As some of my co-workers keep asking where I am registered even after I told them not to worry about getting me a gift. Pretty sure the same co-worker that let it slip they are planning surprise activities also told them where I am registered. This also the same co-worker that I spend time with outside of work.

Not to mention the baby showers we have had in the office in the past included gifts, poutluck food, and a large cake.. Nothing like you ladies have described.

My office has an interesting culture..

Personally, I would go to the one who "let it slip" and tell her you are not inviting any of your co-workers and you would prefer that they not make a big deal about it. If people bought me gifts off my registry I would feel obligated to invite them to the wedding, bc I would think they had good reason to assume that I was going to invite them. Personally, I'd tell her you'd like to go out drink wight he gals, but don't want any gifts or fuss.

Baby showers are different in my eyes. You don't get invited tot he birth, so any gift you give is without any expectation or obligation...assuming the boss isn't doing the inviting or collecting the group gift money.

I also would tell met coworkers "you are so kind to ask, but please do not get us a gift, just well wishes and congratulations," instead of not to worry about getting us a gift.

GL!

perdonami · June 2014

All this because I wanted to bring a cake.. Geez, can't a girl just bring some sweet confections to ther lovely co-workers without it turning into some kind of wedding shower debacle?

kat1114 · June 2014

One of my co-workers asked me the other day if I would be okay with them throwing me a small shower (i.e. going to dinner after work one day with a couple of the girls). I said that was fine, but my co-workers are fully aware that I'm not inviting any of them to the wedding. If that was not clear to them, I would feel weird accepting the offer because to me that would imply they are invited.

Ndelible · June 2014

When I've worked in offices large enough, showers of any kind were completely voluntary. Generally the same as PPs have stated. In fact, gifts were totally voluntary. It's just a way to congratulate the honoree. We fully did not expect to be invited to the wedding. I disagree with the PPs who would not accept gifts from anyone not attending the wedding. The wedding and gift, IMO are separate things. Not only do I not expect gifts from attendees, I do understand that any gift is from the heart. I feel it is rude to decline a gift from someone just because they are not invited. I feel the same way about birthday gifts - there does not need to be a party in order to give. I know a lot of people only buy gifts when there is a party. I get people gifts because I care about them, think they need something or I found something perfect for them. No occasion necessary!

Fairyjen1 · June 2014

When I worked in an office (I telecommute now) Showers of all types were a way of life (along with birthday parties and anything else we could celebrate). We liked any excuse to eat cake and the company had a budget for it so it didn't come out of anyone's pocket. For weddings and babies we would usually all pitch in and get something larger off the registry as a group. Rude or not, that was just the culture of our office.

For bachelor(ette) parties, we got around those by calling it 'girls night out' and taking the bride to be out for happy hour the last night she was at work. I find a lot of etiquette blunders can be fixed by semantics (calling it girls night out and oh, lets buy susie who is getting married her drinks instead of a 'bachelorette' party) . These were pretty low key, non mandatory and didn't go more than an hour or two after the work day.

There was never any expectation that we would be invited to the wedding. I guess we were just a celebratory group!

ashleyep · June 2014

perdonami said:

Fran1985 said:

So a "work shower" typically means cupcakes in the break room, and usually people have pitched in for one or two gifts. So each person usually contributes $5-20. Thats why it gets the exception, it doesn't have the same expectations as a regular shower. A boss hosting a shower at her house, when she is the only one invited, is totally different and I wouldn't count that as a "work shower" even though it involved people from work.

Okay, well this concerns me a tab bit then.. As some of my co-workers keep asking where I am registered even after I told them not to worry about getting me a gift. Pretty sure the same co-worker that let it slip they are planning surprise activities also told them where I am registered. This also the same co-worker that I spend time with outside of work.

Not to mention the baby showers we have had in the office in the past included gifts, poutluck food, and a large cake.. Nothing like you ladies have described.

My office has an interesting culture..

Registries are usually pretty easy to find. At my work I've seen money pooled together to buy a gift off the registry. It's still not usually a big deal, at least where I work. But you probably should make it clear that they're not invited.

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