No Reception?!?!?

littleluckypenny · June 2014

I just got an invitation from a family member to attend her upcoming wedding. DH and I live in another state, so it involves plane tickets, hotel and car rentals. She just informed me that there won't be a reception.

I find this incredibly rude and off-putting. Is there any way to tell her that this is rude? I know it's not about a big reception, but now I'm second guessing even going if it means spending 2K just to attend the ceremony.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

littleluckypenny said:

I just got an invitation from a family member to attend her upcoming wedding. DH and I live in another state, so it involves plane tickets, hotel and car rentals. She just informed me that there won't be a reception.

I find this incredibly rude and off-putting. Is there any way to tell her that this is rude? I know it's not about a big reception, but now I'm second guessing even going if it means spending 2K just to attend the ceremony.

I would definitely decline. That is ridiculous.

I can be confrontational and blunt, so I would just tell it like it is. "I'm sorry, we are not able to travel OOS to attend just the ceremony."

MNVegas · June 2014

I would decline. I might not say anything unless asked why you are not attending. If someone does ask, I would be honest and just say you a lot of time and money for just a ceremony.

NYCBruin · June 2014

Holy crap, that's crazy! I probably wouldn't say anything, but I definitely wouldn't go.

sophhabobopha · June 2014

I wouldn't go either. PPs have already stated why. That puts such a bad taste in my mouth.

KatWAG · June 2014

I would make some passive aggressive comment to her. And then decline.

lyndausvi · June 2014

One must always have a reception after a ceremony. It can be simple cake and punch, but it's incredibility rude to not have anything.

Plus it's buzz kill. Who wants to sit through a ceremony and then just go home? No one. They want to be able to hang out a little with the couple and other guests. Even it's only for a couple of hours.

Marzipan13 · June 2014

To be honest, unless it was a really good friend of mine, I would never attend just a ceremony. I'd decline this asap.

AddieCake · June 2014

I probably wouldn't tell her it is rude. That's the thing we are always trying to get across to people here. Your friends and family usually don't want to be confrontational, upset you, etc, so they just do a lot of nodding and smiling to your face.

I would most likely decline, and if she asked me why,THEN I would say it's too expensive to fly there for just a ceremony. And then you're kind of letting her know it wasn't the best idea and may have caused her some guest issues.

sarahufl · June 2014

AddieCake said:

I probably wouldn't tell her it is rude. That's the thing we are always trying to get across to people here. Your friends and family usually don't want to be confrontational, upset you, etc, so they just do a lot of nodding and smiling to your face.

I would most likely decline, and if she asked me why,THEN I would say it's too expensive to fly there for just a ceremony. And then you're kind of letting her know it wasn't the best idea and may have caused her some guest issues.

I'm with Addie. Just politely decline. No need to ruffle feathers, she likely knows it is rude already.

southernbelle0915 · June 2014

If you decline, do it graciously. No reason to stoop to her rude level - even if it is a huge faux pas.

Just tell her you won't be able to be there and leave it at that. Personally, I would send a card for sure and probably a gift but that's up to you - you have no obligation to do so.

Fairyjen1 · June 2014

It all depends. If it was a local ceremony only I would probably go if it were convenient. I usually don't stay very long at wedding receptions anyway so I might like it more.

If there were travel and hotels involved it would depend. If it were at Disneyland I'd go because then I'd see you get married and I'd get to go to Disneyland for the rest of the day! Anywhere else, probably not.

I realize it's rude to not have a reception of some sort, but I'd only say it if I was asked directly why I wasn't coming, or if it were my sister, a close friend or one of my cousins I'm closer to (although that hasn't helped so far regarding cash bars) and wanted to keep them from making an etiquette blunder. I might even offer to make cupcakes (I have a reputation for them) for a cake and punch reception or something if I knew cost was the issue.

If I wasn't close enough to the person to say anything, and travel was involved, it means I'm probably not close enough to go anyway so I would decline.

JoanE2012 · June 2014

Rude. Decline. Don't say anything more. Chances are, other family members will be talking amongst each other and she may end up finding out why people aren't attending.

ShellD13 · June 2014

Well just to put a different spin on this are you sure there is NOTHING being offered after the ceremony? My H and I had a very small wedding and we took everyone out to lunch at a restaurant afterward. I would not have called what we did a reception if anyone had asked because in my mind receptions involve lots of other traditions/more formality (but my mind is a tough place to be sometimes ;-) )

Although if they truly aren't planning anything to thank their guests (reception or informal meal) afterwards I would tend to agree with the PPs.

slothiegal · June 2014

If there's no reception.....WHERE IS THE CAKE????

Seriously though, I'd be passing if I had to shell out that much money just to view a ceremony.

emmyg65 · June 2014

Yes, she's being rude. But it's also rude to point out someone's rudeness. Just decline. If she asks why, you can say it's too far to travel for just a ceremony.

lyndausvi · June 2014

ShellD13 said:

Well just to put a different spin on this are you sure there is NOTHING being offered after the ceremony? My H and I had a very small wedding and we took everyone out to lunch at a restaurant afterward. I would not have called what we did a reception if anyone had asked because in my mind receptions involve lots of other traditions/more formality (but my mind is a tough place to be sometimes ;-) )

Although if they truly aren't planning anything to thank their guests (reception or informal meal) afterwards I would tend to agree with the PPs.

*** SITB ***

What you had a was a reception. You received your guests after the ceremony. You provide food and beverages.

A reception does not have be 5 hours long with 5 course meals, booze, live bands and special dances. As long it's not during a meal time, receiving your guests while providing a little refreshment like punch and something to nibble on like cake is indeed a reception.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Well you can decline it or see if how many relatives you haven't seen in a while may be attending & make plans to go out to eat or visit after the ceremony. Great way to see lots of family in a short period. But the bride should have clearly indicated on the invitation that there will be no reception of any kind, not even cake & punch. Unless you can turn it into a vacation and the ceremony is just a few hours of that vacation, I would decline based on the costs.

Simply Fated · June 2014

It's weird. What I mean is... The important part is the ceremony. It's the whole reason everyone is there that day. But I would find it strange that afterwards everyone just... goes home. Local or long distance. Even if it was a super small ceremony and the couple had zero money, I would at least like to take the couple out to dinner, kwim?

Is there a chance this is somehow a tiered event of some kind and they're only hosting some people for the reception?

I wouldn't say anything. No one likes unsolicited advice, so she'll probably take what you say as a slap. As important as the ceremony is, I don't like rewarding bad behavior. All we need is her running to WW, "I didn't have a reception and everyone still came! It's your day, do what you want!"

peachy13 · June 2014

That's insane! Not to mention it's rude and in bad etiquette to invite someone who doesn't live nearby just for what-- an hour of your time? I think they're looking for gifts, unfortunately. I would certainly decline, but send a gift.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

If this makes me a shitty person, so be it, but I would not spend the amount of money necessary to attend an OOT wedding just for the ceremony.

Jessa617 · June 2014

@Simply Fated I was thinking the same thing.

Is there a chance this is a tiered wedding? Even so, I would personally decline an invitation for an hour ceremony if I had to book flights, hotel, and car rental. I wouldn't go as far as telling why (unless I was asked of course- it's just not in my budget for an hour ceremony), just RSVP no, and be done with it.

Nymeru · June 2014

Unless you plan to take this opportunity to visit other relatives/friends in the area, I would decline. Have you asked her why she isn't having some form of reception?

annathy03 · June 2014

I'd decline. No way I'm spending that kind of time and money to see you from afar for the ceremony, I want to congratulate you after and mingle with the other guests.

Like PPs I wouldn't say anything unless she asks why you're not coming. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

downtondiva · June 2014

Just decline and don't say anything about rudeness. I think it's pretty clear by not having any sort of reception that she doesn't care about being polite, but she will still get into a fight with you for pointing it out. Not worth your time.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

I'm with @Simply Fated‌ There probably is a reception for a select group. I wouldn't go and wouldn't say anything unless pressed. If she asks why, explain that you'd like to be able to visit with her and her new husband, having traveled so far.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2014

Heeeell no I wouldn't go. I wouldn't bring up why necessarily, but if she asked, I'd tell her flat out that it's rude to kick your guests out like stray dogs after supporting you.

On that note, does anyone remember the girl who wanted to truck her loved ones out in the desert, then straight up abandon them with no food and water?I think she even said it would be an industrial type truck. Man, she was hilarious and crazy.

thesummersky · June 2014

How close are you? If it wasn't too far out of town, I could afford it, and if I was close enough to the family member, I'd go. If anything aforementioned didn't apply, I'd politely decline.

Jen4948 · June 2014

I'd decline but unless you are really close I wouldn't mention the rudeness because that's also rude.

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