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Guest list drama vent

bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We were cornered by my FI father and girlfriend this past weekend about how they did not like the guest list.  We have stated over and over again we want a small wedding with only the people we know and speak to on a regular basis on the list.  FI dad freaked out and said "I have a small family and need everyone there.  The wedding is not just about you it's about the parents too".  My parents, who are paying for the wedding have respected our wishes and have not included anyone on the list that we do not want.  His parents on the other hand have thrown a fit every time the guest list conversation comes up.  We are having difficulty being firm on our "no" responses and have conceded to some of their requests.  We have decided to include my FI's first cousins (parents only, no children) for all parents (including mine).  This has added 20 people to our original guest list.  We are not even done adding our friends and their plus ones and I feel that it has gotten out-of-control.  We have said that no more requests will be entertained from any of his parents on anything and got their reassurance.  It is difficult to deal with parents who are authoritative and it makes me sick.  They feel that we are the "children" and must listen and heed their requests.  How have others delt with this type of autoritative parenting over a wedding they are not even paying for?
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Re: Guest list drama vent

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bananasplit472001 said:
    We were cornered by my FI father and girlfriend this past weekend about how they did not like the guest list.  We have stated over and over again we want a small wedding with only the people we know and speak to on a regular basis on the list.  FI dad freaked out and said "I have a small family and need everyone there.  The wedding is not just about you it's about the parents too".  My parents, who are paying for the wedding have respected our wishes and have not included anyone on the list that we do not want.  His parents on the other hand have thrown a fit every time the guest list conversation comes up.  We are having difficulty being firm on our "no" responses and have conceded to some of their requests.  We have decided to include my FI's first cousins (parents only, no children) for all parents (including mine).  This has added 20 people to our original guest list.  We are not even done adding our friends and their plus ones and I feel that it has gotten out-of-control.  We have said that no more requests will be entertained from any of his parents on anything and got their reassurance.  It is difficult to deal with parents who are authoritative and it makes me sick.  They feel that we are the "children" and must listen and heed their requests.  How have others delt with this type of autoritative parenting over a wedding they are not even paying for?

    Are they paying at all? Seems to me you have been reasonable.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Keep saying no over and over again.  I wouldn't say anything else when they request additional people. Your response should be "I am sorry but no more additions will be made to the guest list."  And just keep repeating that until your wedding day or until it gets through their thick skulls.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Stop talking to them about it and tell them, "Sorry, but the subject of the guest list is closed" whenever they bring it up.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Don't talk to them about the guest list. If they bring it up, change the subject or straight up tell them you do not want to discuss it further. 

    If they are not contributing any money to your wedding, they literally have zero say in what you do. You are adults (not children) and can make your own decisions. This is a good time to cement this concept.
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  • bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    Nope not paying at all.  They even have a problem paying for the rehearsal dinner, which they originally agreed to.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    bananasplit472001 said:
    Nope not paying at all.  They even have a problem paying for the rehearsal dinner, which they originally agreed to.

    Don't talk about the wedding at all with them then.  Tell them, "The subject of our wedding is closed" whenever they try to bring up any aspect of it.

    And be prepared for them to do the same kind of jerking around to you and your FI in the future.
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  • bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Nope not paying at all.  They even have a problem paying for the rehearsal dinner, which they originally agreed to.

    Don't talk about the wedding at all with them then.  Tell them, "The subject of our wedding is closed" whenever they try to bring up any aspect of it.

    And be prepared for them to do the same kind of jerking around to you and your FI in the future.
    That is very true.  That is the thing I fear the worst.  We have been pretty stern on the wedding and withheld information up until this point.  They complained they were not included and did not know what was going on so we told them what we had planned.  We did not expect them to then say they had a problem with the guest list among a variety of other things.  We held firm on everything but the guest list because we do have wiggle room in terms of budget.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    bananasplit472001 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Nope not paying at all.  They even have a problem paying for the rehearsal dinner, which they originally agreed to.

    Don't talk about the wedding at all with them then.  Tell them, "The subject of our wedding is closed" whenever they try to bring up any aspect of it.

    And be prepared for them to do the same kind of jerking around to you and your FI in the future.
    That is very true.  That is the thing I fear the worst.  We have been pretty stern on the wedding and withheld information up until this point.  They complained they were not included and did not know what was going on so we told them what we had planned.  We did not expect them to then say they had a problem with the guest list among a variety of other things.  We held firm on everything but the guest list because we do have wiggle room in terms of budget.
    Keep being stern, not just on the wedding but everything else.  Make it clear that these are your decisions to make and their not liking it has no relevance to what's going to happen.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Stop discussing the wedding with them. Don't let them treat you like children. Assert yourself. I'd also turn down their request at hosting the rehearsal dinner.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    We had similar issues with my husband's parents, maybe a little less so. But we just kept saying no, and they got over it. 

    Now, MIL and FIL said they would give us x money for our wedding, which was about 10% of our total budget. My parents gave us the majority of the reception money. Now, we ended up having less people come to our wedding thankfully, but MIL and FIL gave us less money than they said they would. 

    This is my opinion, after having my wedding. It's our wedding, they are our guests, we had to say hi to everyone. We did not want people there that we didn't know or like. The parents may feel it is somewhat about them, but it's not their marriage or their wedding.  You don't get your way just be cause your children are getting married.

    Also, if I ever were to get married again (hopefully not), I will not have a big wedding. It's too much. It's fun for the first time, but I can't imagine doing it again.

    Maybe as a compromise, tell them they get X number of people, no more (if you want). 
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  • HauteRoxyHauteRoxy member
    10 Comments First Answer Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Banana I just want to send some positive vibes/thoughts/prayers your way. 

    I am going through the same thing. . I know it probably doesn't help much. But just know I understand and suffer too. :(
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Nope not paying at all.  They even have a problem paying for the rehearsal dinner, which they originally agreed to.

    Don't talk about the wedding at all with them then.  Tell them, "The subject of our wedding is closed" whenever they try to bring up any aspect of it.

    And be prepared for them to do the same kind of jerking around to you and your FI in the future.
    That is very true.  That is the thing I fear the worst.  We have been pretty stern on the wedding and withheld information up until this point.  They complained they were not included and did not know what was going on so we told them what we had planned.  We did not expect them to then say they had a problem with the guest list among a variety of other things.  We held firm on everything but the guest list because we do have wiggle room in terms of budget.
    You can also remind them that if, or when, they marry, they are free to invite whomever they wish to their wedding.
    Or if they want to get together with the whole extended family, you'd be happy to attend any family reunion that they throw as long as it doesn't conflict with your wedding. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MandyMost said:
    MobKaz said:
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Nope not paying at all.  They even have a problem paying for the rehearsal dinner, which they originally agreed to.

    Don't talk about the wedding at all with them then.  Tell them, "The subject of our wedding is closed" whenever they try to bring up any aspect of it.

    And be prepared for them to do the same kind of jerking around to you and your FI in the future.
    That is very true.  That is the thing I fear the worst.  We have been pretty stern on the wedding and withheld information up until this point.  They complained they were not included and did not know what was going on so we told them what we had planned.  We did not expect them to then say they had a problem with the guest list among a variety of other things.  We held firm on everything but the guest list because we do have wiggle room in terms of budget.
    You can also remind them that if, or when, they marry, they are free to invite whomever they wish to their wedding.
    Or if they want to get together with the whole extended family, you'd be happy to attend any family reunion that they throw as long as it doesn't conflict with your wedding. 
    They'd probably take this seriously and throw a family reunion and expect the OP to be there, and use it as the opportunity to be bitchy about the guest list.
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  • bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    Thanks for the help everyone.  I am just extremely overwhelmed as my parents are giving me and my FI absolute freedom with the wedding (that they are paying for) and his parents feel they must have things their way.  I am asking my FI to have a discussion with his parents to night (his parents are divorced) and tell them that it's unacceptable what they are doing.  I am very close to telling them to pay for all of their additional guests despite having room in the budget.  But i'm also afraid they use it to say "Oh were paying for a portion of the guests so we get a say in the food, favors etc.." ugh. That's why I do not want them to pay.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    bananasplit472001 said:
    Thanks for the help everyone.  I am just extremely overwhelmed as my parents are giving me and my FI absolute freedom with the wedding (that they are paying for) and his parents feel they must have things their way.  I am asking my FI to have a discussion with his parents to night (his parents are divorced) and tell them that it's unacceptable what they are doing.  I am very close to telling them to pay for all of their additional guests despite having room in the budget.  But i'm also afraid they use it to say "Oh were paying for a portion of the guests so we get a say in the food, favors etc.." ugh. That's why I do not want them to pay.
    Yeah don't do that.  Honestly, if I were you I would have zero contact with them from this point out.  If all they do is bitch about how they have no say in the wedding and that they want to invite additional people I just wouldn't put myself into the line of fire anymore.

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP you're definitely not alone. My parents and in-laws were good about contributing funds with specific expectations, but FI has had to talk his mother out of "additions" to the conditions.  

    I'll just say I don't understand it either. I don't understand what makes parents think, "MY kid is getting married so I PERSONALLY need to have everyone I care about there."  From the bride/groom perspective, we think what matters is having people WE care about there. 

    I don't get it, but it exists. Maybe it's a holdover from past generations having their parents force things on them, so they are passing along that particular gem of a tradition.  
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  • mimivacmimivac member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 100 Love Its

    They're being manipulative. My former MIL was exactly like this. She thought that because she was "the mom" and we were "the children," she could dictate whatever she wanted (and btw, we gave her money, not the other way around). Don't set the precedent even before you're married that you can be pushed around. A polite, "no, sorry," is all you need. And also don't get sucked into a debate about "who a wedding is for" or "the meaning of family," or whatever manipulative angle they try to take. This isn't about any of that. It's about the invite list. Period. Good luck.

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  • mrskitty79mrskitty79 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    One thing to consider...can you give the family a certain number of invitations? When my son married, we were told we got zero. They invited aunts, uncles, grandparents, but no friends of parents (I just wanted 10 people). I know it's YOUR wedding, but a wedding is USUALLY a family event...and sometimes friends are the family we don't have. I didn't find out we got zero until AFTER I threw a bridal shower for my friends to meet the bride. So all my friends showed up at the shower, gave lovely gifts, and then were not invited to the wedding. When we held the rehearsal dinner, I invited my friends to that and to the wedding ceremony. I explained I could not invite them to the reception, as that was not my party. Inviting them to the rehearsal dinner was because I was embarrassed. I didn't expect to invite everyone I knew...I didn't list ANY extended family. But my friends and I agree that bride and groom should consider SOME of their parent's friends. When we got married (eons ago, of course) it was never heard of not to split the guest list...bride's side got half the number and groom's side got half the number.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    mrskitty79 said:
    One thing to consider...can you give the family a certain number of invitations? When my son married, we were told we got zero. They invited aunts, uncles, grandparents, but no friends of parents (I just wanted 10 people). I know it's YOUR wedding, but a wedding is USUALLY a family event...and sometimes friends are the family we don't have. I didn't find out we got zero until AFTER I threw a bridal shower for my friends to meet the bride. So all my friends showed up at the shower, gave lovely gifts, and then were not invited to the wedding. When we held the rehearsal dinner, I invited my friends to that and to the wedding ceremony. I explained I could not invite them to the reception, as that was not my party. Inviting them to the rehearsal dinner was because I was embarrassed. I didn't expect to invite everyone I knew...I didn't list ANY extended family. But my friends and I agree that bride and groom should consider SOME of their parent's friends. When we got married (eons ago, of course) it was never heard of not to split the guest list...bride's side got half the number and groom's side got half the number.
    It is very nice to invite friends of parents, but not always feasible when it comes to the budget. And perhaps the bride and groom really only want people THEY know to be there. I'm sorry you were upset that you did not get to invite your friends, but were you paying for any of the wedding? Without paying, you just don't get a say. And your daughter in law/ son should have seen the guest list for the shower and told you that your friends were not to be invited as they would not be invited to the wedding. If you did not show them the list, they would have no way of knowing to tell you. If you did show them the list before hand and they did not tell you not to invite your friends, that was a gross break of etiquette on their part. 
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  • mrskitty79mrskitty79 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    To explain further, since I'm sure I'll be roasted for my comment...when my son's wedding was in the planning stages, I sent a list of names/addresses. Including husband and me, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles and 10 friends...total was 36. They didn't comment about the list, so I didn't think it was an issue. If they had asked me to cut to a certain number, I would have done so. After the shower (2 months prior to wedding) they told me they weren't inviting anyone except family. She invited 80, he had 20. I was told what to wear (including color). I went along with everything asked, but was disappointed close friends could not share the day. My daughter was told if she tried to control the guest list whenever she got married, we would not contribute to her wedding. However, she agreed with me. Parent's close friends hear about the accomplishments and milestones and wish to share the big events of their friend's families...weddings, new grandchildren, etc. When I was married nearly 30 years ago, my MIL gave me a list of over 100 names of people who "just had to be invited". I didn't question it. I didn't know them and so was unable to judge if they should or shouldn't be there. It's just the way it was done. I know times have changed. I'm merely suggesting that those getting married give some consideration to the family's feelings and wishes. If necessary, ask them to pay for the added guests. I would have been happy to do so. If they refuse to help pay, that makes adding their guests an easy choice.
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  • rsbloomrsbloom member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @mrskitty79‌ it sounds there was rudeness on both sides. First, why on earth did you continue to invite your friends to other wedding functions after you knew they weren't invited?? If you were embarrassed they weren't invited, you only made it worse by continuing to invite them. That just sounds like you were trying to embarrass the couple, by rubbing your friends in their faces, which is petty. And if I were one of those friends I would not have gone, knowing the couple didn't want me there. However, your son should have told you as soon as they finalized the guest list that they weren't accommodating your friends to avoid this whole mess. It sounds like they didn't want you to back out of throwing them the shower or rehearsal dinner, which is very rude on their part.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    The guest list is the prerogative of the couple/ whoever pays for the wedding. And I wonder... were the 80 people on the bride's side all family? And if not, were the bride's parent's paying or contributing? Because that will explain a lot. Or maybe you're including the bride and groom's friends in that number? 

    However, if it was really 80 people for the bride, 20 for the groom, I do think it would have been much kinder to allow for a bit more equality in the number of people the groom's side was allowed to invite compared to the bride's. That's what we are doing, even though I have a larger family than fiance. But again, that is a show of kindness and good will, rather than something that is actually etiquette-ly required, as my parents are the ones contributing financially. 
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  • HauteRoxyHauteRoxy member
    10 Comments First Answer Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    It makes my stomach turn to know that some parents will flat out refuse to contribute financially to their child's wedding simply because they cannot control the entire guest list with zero final say from the bride and groom . . 

    I'd rather not have a wedding . . .which I suppose is what would happen if I had parents like that. 

    My mother & father would want me to have whomever I love at my wedding, not pick and choose for me. .I don't get this mindset and I never will. 

    Etiquette or not, I just will never understand the logic behind it  . .

    Draconian times? Sure.
    Nowadays? No. 
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  • bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    mrskitty79 said:
    To explain further, since I'm sure I'll be roasted for my comment...when my son's wedding was in the planning stages, I sent a list of names/addresses. Including husband and me, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles and 10 friends...total was 36. They didn't comment about the list, so I didn't think it was an issue. If they had asked me to cut to a certain number, I would have done so. After the shower (2 months prior to wedding) they told me they weren't inviting anyone except family. She invited 80, he had 20. I was told what to wear (including color). I went along with everything asked, but was disappointed close friends could not share the day. My daughter was told if she tried to control the guest list whenever she got married, we would not contribute to her wedding. However, she agreed with me. Parent's close friends hear about the accomplishments and milestones and wish to share the big events of their friend's families...weddings, new grandchildren, etc. When I was married nearly 30 years ago, my MIL gave me a list of over 100 names of people who "just had to be invited". I didn't question it. I didn't know them and so was unable to judge if they should or shouldn't be there. It's just the way it was done. I know times have changed. I'm merely suggesting that those getting married give some consideration to the family's feelings and wishes. If necessary, ask them to pay for the added guests. I would have been happy to do so. If they refuse to help pay, that makes adding their guests an easy choice.
    @mrskitty79   Yes, my FI"s parents were given the opportunity to invite people further than just family members all of which were added to list including plus one's for single guests.  In addition to all family members they had the opportunity to each invite 6 people of their choosing (12 all together, but they ended up with around 15 additional invites).  They choose to invite their second cousins, great aunts and uncles.  This was still not enough as they still want to invite their friends.  They feel that the extended families member's shouldn't count as they are family even though my FI has never spoken to the majority of them.  
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  • lizzypoo96lizzypoo96 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    bananasplit472001 said:
    Thanks for the help everyone.  I am just extremely overwhelmed as my parents are giving me and my FI absolute freedom with the wedding (that they are paying for) and his parents feel they must have things their way.  I am asking my FI to have a discussion with his parents to night (his parents are divorced) and tell them that it's unacceptable what they are doing.  I am very close to telling them to pay for all of their additional guests despite having room in the budget.  But i'm also afraid they use it to say "Oh were paying for a portion of the guests so we get a say in the food, favors etc.." ugh. That's why I do not want them to pay.
    Remember too that your budget is none of their business unless they choose to contribute to it. At this point it's about principle. If you give in on this "battle," it will be one of many for the next how many years. If you hold your ground, they'll get the point. Eventually.
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