Dollar Dance Analogy

shamrock789 · July 2014

Here's problem, my FI wants us to have a dollar dance but I'm completely against it. Whenever the subject comes up I just tell him it's tacky and we're not doing it but then he says "yeah but think about how much extra money we could get." It doesn't help that they are incredibly popular in our area so he's seen them done a lot. So, my question to you fabulous etiquette ladies (I've been a lurker for awhile, ya'll are awesome) does anyone have a good analogy or something I could use to help me explain to FI why a dollar dance is not a good idea? I think if he understood why it's bad etiquette he'd leave it alone, I just can't think of anything else to say except it's tacky! Thanks!

mimivac · July 2014

Hmmm. Not sure I have an analogy. Maybe point out that a wedding is not a money-making venture, but a chance to celebrate your union with the people in your lives?

mimivac · July 2014

One question I have about the money dance: where does the money go? I've seen one where they pinned bills to the bride's dress. Is that the standard?

KatWAG · July 2014

I would point out that your wedding isnt a fundraiser. The point is not to make extra money. Its to get married and celebrate with those who are closest to you.

Plus, I never carry cash and would feel really uncomfortable standing around and watching a dollar dance.

wrigleyville · July 2014

mimivac said:

One question I have about the money dance: where does the money go? I've seen one where they pinned bills to the bride's dress. Is that the standard?

That was tradition, but most modern brides carry a clutch or have a jar set on a small table (TV tray size) on the dance floor.

Jen4948 · July 2014

Tell him bluntly, "FI, I am not doing a dollar dance. I find it rude, tacky, and disgusting to ask your guests to open your wallets. Our wedding is not a for-profit venture. The fact that dollar dances are so popular around here does not make them polite or acceptable to me. Please consider the subject closed."

If he still refuses to drop it, then tell him, "Drop the subject, please, or we won't be having a wedding either."

VulgarGirl · July 2014

You could point out to him the only other time someone pays for a dance is in a strip club.

wrigleyville · July 2014

OP - ask your FI if he would host a birthday party and accept all of the cards and gifts, only to turn around and say, "Hey, guys. Do you want to shoot some pool? Awesome, but you have to give me money if you want to play with me."

Seem odd? That's because it is. His friends have already given presents, so why ask for more cash for something that should be free (i.e. dancing with the bride and groom)?

That's the best I can come up with.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I don't think you really need an analogy but the first thing I think about when it comes to dancing and money is throwing money at dancers at a strip club.

I would just explain to him it's considered very rude and tacky to ask your guests to participate in a dollar dance. There's no need to expect them to whip out money to share some time with the bride and groom.

chasseuse · July 2014

mimivac said:

One question I have about the money dance: where does the money go? I've seen one where they pinned bills to the bride's dress. Is that the standard?

It depends on the tradition. At my friend's wedding, she had her MOH hold a specially made apron/bag. The bride took off her veil and replaced it with a bonnet that can be turned into a christening garment for future children.

I know that many, many people find these dances tacky. My friend is of an ethnic heritage in which these dances are the norm and expected. Originally, guests didn't bring gifts to the wedding. These dances were the way of showering the new couple with gifts/money to start their lives together.

My friend handled the "tacky" by encouraging everyone to come up and dance with her. The MOH was nearby to collect offerings, but money was NOT required to dance with the bride. In fact, the bride couldn't even see who gave money or didn't. Her family expected it (relatives planned for it as part of their gift) and she made a big deal of explaining it and asking for us to participate just in the dancing and not worry about money.

ETF: clarity

beachyone15 · July 2014

Way to stand your ground!

I will tell you from personal experience that I participated in a Dollar Dance once as a guest (before I knew how tacky they were). I got to dance with my best friend (bride) for about 7 seconds before someone else cut in. Even at that time I must have known the dance was tacky, because I felt cheated and thought I would have had more time to dance with/talk to her.

Feel free to share my miserable guest experience with your FI.

Jen4948 · July 2014

chasseuse said:

mimivac said:

One question I have about the money dance: where does the money go? I've seen one where they pinned bills to the bride's dress. Is that the standard?

It depends on the tradition. At my friend's wedding, she had her MOH hold a specially made apron/bag. The bride took off her veil and replaced it with a bonnet that can be turned into a christening garment for future children.

I know that many, many people find these dances tacky. My friend is of an ethnic heritage in which these dances are the norm and expected. Originally, guests didn't bring gifts to the wedding. These dances were the way of showering the new couple with gifts/money to start their lives together.

My friend handled the "tacky" by encouraging everyone to come up and dance with her. The MOH was nearby to collect offerings, but they were NOT required to dance with the bride. In fact, the bride couldn't even see who gave money or didn't. Her family expected it (relatives planned for it as part of their gift) and she made a big deal of explaining it and asking for us to participate just in the dancing and not worry about money.

The bolded comes off to me as even more tacky than the money dance by itself. "You don't have to dance with us but we want your money anyway?" ???????

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

I think you just tell it like it is. He's an adult and I'm sure he's able to understand the logic in good manners.

"The reception is a party we give to thank our guests for coming. They've already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and they've (probably) already purchased a gift or given us money as a wedding present. It's really not ok to imply that we want MORE from them. It makes us look greedy money suckers when we're supposed to be hosting a party. I will not do this. We are fine financially and this is just unnecessary."

Yall could also profit if you charged people to have conversations with you when you invite people over for dinner. but you don't do that because it's ridiculous and rude. Same thing here. Just... no.

KatWAG · July 2014

MagicInk said:

You could point out to him the only other time someone pays for a dance is in a strip club.

I wish I could "love" this more than once.

chasseuse · July 2014

Jen4948 said:

chasseuse said:

The MOH was nearby to collect offerings, but they were NOT required to dance with the bride. In fact, the bride couldn't even see who gave money or didn't. Her family expected it (relatives planned for it as part of their gift) and she made a big deal of explaining it and asking for us to participate just in the dancing and not worry about money.

The bolded comes off to me as even more tacky than the money dance by itself. "You don't have to dance with us but we want your money anyway?" ???????

Sorry! I wasn't clear! The money wasn't required to dance with the bride. Anyone who stood up could dance regardless of whether they gave money or not.

Jen4948 · July 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

I think you just tell it like it is. He's an adult and I'm sure he's able to understand the logic in good manners.

"The reception is a party we give to thank our guests for coming. They've already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and they've (probably) already purchased a gift or given us money as a wedding present. It's really not ok to imply that we want MORE from them. It makes us look greedy money suckers when we're supposed to be hosting a party. I will not do this. We are fine financially and this is just unnecessary."

Yall could also profit if you charged people to have conversations with you when you invite people over for dinner. but you don't do that because it's ridiculous and rude. Same thing here. Just... no.

I think the problem with saying this is that he's used to dollar dances because as the OP mentioned, they're common in their area, and he and those in the area don't see them as tacky or rude. He'll point out that they're not inviting these people to their home and the discussion will just turn into a circular argument.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Jen4948 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I think you just tell it like it is. He's an adult and I'm sure he's able to understand the logic in good manners.

"The reception is a party we give to thank our guests for coming. They've already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and they've (probably) already purchased a gift or given us money as a wedding present. It's really not ok to imply that we want MORE from them. It makes us look greedy money suckers when we're supposed to be hosting a party. I will not do this. We are fine financially and this is just unnecessary."

Yall could also profit if you charged people to have conversations with you when you invite people over for dinner. but you don't do that because it's ridiculous and rude. Same thing here. Just... no.

I think the problem with saying this is that he's used to dollar dances because as the OP mentioned, they're common in their area, and he and those in the area don't see them as tacky or rude. He'll point out that they're not inviting these people to their home and the discussion will just turn into a circular argument.

True, but for the sake of etiquette, it's tacky. Just because cash bars for weddings may be popular or the "norm" in some areas doesn't make them correct when it comes to properly hosting your guests. And so on.

OP - I would just explain that while he's been to weddings where dollar dances were had, they're still considered distasteful.

A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf

Simky906 · July 2014

I would point out that many of your guests will have already given you generous gifts and asking for more money (which is what a dollar dance is) is like telling them their gifts weren't enough for you. You shouldn't treat your friends and family like an ATM

Jen4948 · July 2014

crabbylucy said:

Jen4948 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I think you just tell it like it is. He's an adult and I'm sure he's able to understand the logic in good manners.

"The reception is a party we give to thank our guests for coming. They've already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and they've (probably) already purchased a gift or given us money as a wedding present. It's really not ok to imply that we want MORE from them. It makes us look greedy money suckers when we're supposed to be hosting a party. I will not do this. We are fine financially and this is just unnecessary."

Yall could also profit if you charged people to have conversations with you when you invite people over for dinner. but you don't do that because it's ridiculous and rude. Same thing here. Just... no.

I think the problem with saying this is that he's used to dollar dances because as the OP mentioned, they're common in their area, and he and those in the area don't see them as tacky or rude. He'll point out that they're not inviting these people to their home and the discussion will just turn into a circular argument.

True, but for the sake of etiquette, it's tacky. Just because cash bar for weddings may be popular or the "norm" in some area doesn't make them correct when it comes to properly hosting your guests. And so on.

OP - I would just explain that while he's been to weddings where dollar dances were had, they're still considered distasteful.
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf

I've never disputed the bolded-only that explaining that to this guy is probably not going to make him give up his demand for a dollar dance. I think it's just better to shut it down without going into why.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Jen4948 said:

crabbylucy said:

Jen4948 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I think you just tell it like it is. He's an adult and I'm sure he's able to understand the logic in good manners.

"The reception is a party we give to thank our guests for coming. They've already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and they've (probably) already purchased a gift or given us money as a wedding present. It's really not ok to imply that we want MORE from them. It makes us look greedy money suckers when we're supposed to be hosting a party. I will not do this. We are fine financially and this is just unnecessary."

Yall could also profit if you charged people to have conversations with you when you invite people over for dinner. but you don't do that because it's ridiculous and rude. Same thing here. Just... no.

I think the problem with saying this is that he's used to dollar dances because as the OP mentioned, they're common in their area, and he and those in the area don't see them as tacky or rude. He'll point out that they're not inviting these people to their home and the discussion will just turn into a circular argument.

True, but for the sake of etiquette, it's tacky. Just because cash bar for weddings may be popular or the "norm" in some area doesn't make them correct when it comes to properly hosting your guests. And so on.

OP - I would just explain that while he's been to weddings where dollar dances were had, they're still considered distasteful.
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf

I've never disputed the bolded-only that explaining that to this guy is probably not going to make him give up his demand for a dollar dance. I think it's just better to shut it down without going into why.

Never meant to insinuate that you did, but I definitely agree that OP is going to have to say, "Sorry, FI, but we shouldn't have a dollar dance at our wedding."

Jen4948 · July 2014

crabbylucy said:

Jen4948 said:

crabbylucy said:

Jen4948 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I think you just tell it like it is. He's an adult and I'm sure he's able to understand the logic in good manners.

"The reception is a party we give to thank our guests for coming. They've already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and they've (probably) already purchased a gift or given us money as a wedding present. It's really not ok to imply that we want MORE from them. It makes us look greedy money suckers when we're supposed to be hosting a party. I will not do this. We are fine financially and this is just unnecessary."

Yall could also profit if you charged people to have conversations with you when you invite people over for dinner. but you don't do that because it's ridiculous and rude. Same thing here. Just... no.

I think the problem with saying this is that he's used to dollar dances because as the OP mentioned, they're common in their area, and he and those in the area don't see them as tacky or rude. He'll point out that they're not inviting these people to their home and the discussion will just turn into a circular argument.

True, but for the sake of etiquette, it's tacky. Just because cash bar for weddings may be popular or the "norm" in some area doesn't make them correct when it comes to properly hosting your guests. And so on.

OP - I would just explain that while he's been to weddings where dollar dances were had, they're still considered distasteful.
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf
A: Dollar or money dances are not particularly tasteful and do make many guests, who already have given generously, feel that they are just there as a money pot for the bride and groom. It is a custom in some cultures, but it should remain there and not extend to others. - See more at: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2013/12/dollar-dance-decency-is-a-money-dance-ever-appropriate/#sthash.GAfaYDH0.dpuf

I've never disputed the bolded-only that explaining that to this guy is probably not going to make him give up his demand for a dollar dance. I think it's just better to shut it down without going into why.

Never meant to insinuate that you did, but I definitely agree that OP is going to have to say, "Sorry, FI, but we shouldn't have a dollar dance at our wedding."

I think more than that will be necessary to make sure it doesn't happen. OP, I think you need to talk to your venue staff and DJ or MC, if any, to make sure that there are no dollar dances and to head off anyone who tries to start one.

mimivac · July 2014

Well, I think it's a good point to emphasize that the tradition started because the money dance WAS the gift. So now that people get gifts off of a registry, the money dance is superfluous and a gift grab. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

Yup.

chibiyui · July 2014

Yeah, I'd tell him if money is a concern you can pick up a night or two at the local strip club.

ElcaB · July 2014

It is like inviting your friends over for dinner and asking them to drop money in a tip jar for hosting you.

Maybe?

QueerFemme · July 2014

Tell him, that if he wants the money dance, he'll have to take off a piece of clothing with each new person that comes to dance with him, and he'll have to dance to the song "Make it Rain", and the grand finale is to give grandma a lap dance.

QueerFemme · July 2014

Here's an example

CheleLyn · July 2014

I only heard one person ask at our reception if there was going to be a dollar dance (very common in our area, too). I said no and that was the end of it. Idk if others asked about it so I'm assuming nobody missed it.

I just feel like everyone had to come from out of town (gas money), most brought a gift or put money in a card, some bought new outfits (bridal party and some guests), some paid for hotel rooms, etc. That's A LOT of money already spent, I would not have felt comfortable with a dollar dance and essentially ASKING for money to be able to have a dance with me.

lalalorelai · July 2014

In my FH's family, the "honeymoon jar" is popular. Like, people have made thousands of dollars by putting a decorated glass jar on a table. I just don't get it. He brought it up once (only once!) to me. I just looked at him and said, "Our guests are NOT opening their wallets for anything at our wedding."

I think he got the point after that. You can just try to explain it as clearly as you can, and if he still doesn't get it, say you're not comfortable and won't be doing it. If he still pushes it after that, I'd start getting feisty. And maybe contact a lawyer who specializes in sex trafficking crimes (kidding!).

themuffinman16 · July 2014

Tell him that, at this point, your guests have all ready bought you a gift or enclosed a check in a card. When you have a dollar dance or solicit your guests for money in any other manner, you are, in essence, telling them what they gave you wasn't good enough.

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