I don't have a lot of close female friends

MinBride29 · July 2014

I'm torn on who to choose as Maid of Honour.I have a friend that i want to choose but she's live out of province so it would be very hard for her to do anything. I want her to be more than just a guest so I could make her a bridesmaid. I was considering choosing another girl who I'm friends with but not as close. We live in the same city, she's very girly and I think she would make a great MoH. Is this the right decision? I'd like people to share their experiences. I don't have a lot of female friends and very few I can consider close. I would love to choose my male friend to be in the bride's side of the party but he's already joked that he doesn't want to be some Patrick Dempsey movie lol!

danithomas90 · July 2014

I would follow your heart and make the out of towner your MOH. I was the MOH for my cousin in a state 6 hours away, so I couldn't help with much of anything, but her other bridesmaids pitched in and picked up the slack. The girl who lives close by, if she is a true friend, will respect your decision and should be able to help you out with planning. Or you can flip a coin, so no one's feelings are hurt.

MinBride29 · July 2014

Yeah. The kicker with the out of towner is that for her wedding, I wasn't even chosen as a bridesmaid. Through university she said I would definitely be a bridesmaid (with her sister being the MoH)... then when the time came, I got the shaft. I was hurt. She acknowledged that she said she would and didn't follow through but her decision was somewhat political. One month before her wedding she was stressed and said that she made the wrong decision with one of the bridesmaid (her husband's sister) and she regrets not choosing me... Maybe that's another factor for why I'm hesitant. yes, I know. Real mature right?

climbingsingle · July 2014

MinBride29 said:

I'm torn on who to choose as Maid of Honour.I have a friend that i want to choose but she's live out of province so it would be very hard for her to do anything. I want her to be more than just a guest so I could make her a bridesmaid. I was considering choosing another girl who I'm friends with but not as close. We live in the same city, she's very girly and I think she would make a great MoH. Is this the right decision? I'd like people to share their experiences. I don't have a lot of female friends and very few I can consider close. I would love to choose my male friend to be in the bride's side of the party but he's already joked that he doesn't want to be some Patrick Dempsey movie lol!

What exactly does being girly have anything to do with being someone's MOH?

MinBride29 · July 2014

Oh. Well I just mean she would be very good with helping me with the feminine touches that I lack (severely). It doesn't really matter whether she's girlie or not but I just think her personality is better suited for the duties. There's just a lot of stuff that I'm clueless about that I think she would know.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

MinBride29 said:

Oh. Well I just mean she would be very good with helping me with the feminine touches that I lack (severely). It doesn't really matter whether she's girlie or not but I just think her personality is better suited for the duties. There's just a lot of stuff that I'm clueless about that I think she would know.

There are no real duties other than buying the dress you choose (within her budget). MOH/BMs aren't obligated to help with crafts, throw parties, plan, etc. In fact it's rude to ask/expect that they will do these things.

If you need help with planning, you should hire a wedding planner. Or - for a much cheaper alternative - come to TK and post on these boards. We love weddings and there are many ladies on here with a wealth of knowledge on just about anything wedding related. You'll have to do the work yourself.

lilacck28 · July 2014

MinBride29 said:

Oh. Well I just mean she would be very good with helping me with the feminine touches that I lack (severely). It doesn't really matter whether she's girlie or not but I just think her personality is better suited for the duties. There's just a lot of stuff that I'm clueless about that I think she would know.

You really can't expect anyone, maid of honor, bridesmaid, friend, ANYONE to help guide you in the process of planning a wedding (so girlishness should not matter), or especially to do tasks that are part of putting the wedding together, or expect they will automatically throw you parties. Lower your expectations, and you'll be much happier in the long run.

And don't be mad at your friend . It's expensive to have a wedding party. All through college I blabbed about how when I got married (this was before I ever met fiance, and was not dating anyone) all my close female friends would be my bridesmaids! All 5 of them! Well, now I'm closest to two of them, and close to another two, and don't even keep in contact with the fifth. I asked the closest two, and can't really afford to ask the other two. It happens.

I would ask them both to be bridesmaids if you are close to them and want to. And if you want a MOH, which is not necessary just as bridesmaids are not necessary, ask the one you are closest to.

Nymeru · July 2014

What PP said. Follow your heart on this one. Your MOH should be the one you feel closest to. If your other BM wants to help you do wedding stuff, then cool. Otherwise, be prepared to do it on your own.

MinBride29 · July 2014

Okay, wow. I totally gave off the wrong impression here. I apologize! Where should I start.
Well first off, thank you Ladies to the supportive words. I agree that it is best to follow my heart so I think I will just do that. Just wondering what that might be, lol.

I just wanted to clarify a couple of things. I seem to have come across as expecting my MOH and bridesmaids to be doing everything for me. That really wasn't what I was trying to say. By 'help', I was thinking that they can give me their two cents on things should I get stuck on deciding something. That was it. I wasn't expecting them to throw me lavish parties, help with crafts or plan my wedding as it was put. However, I am little confused. I don't have a lot of experience with weddings from the other side since I'm usually a guest and have been a bridesmaid once where the Bride insisted she didn't need help from any of us. So perhaps I've been misinformed but even the Knot provides a list (a rather exhaustive one) for what is 'expected' of a Maid of Honour http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx I'm assuming they listed these things because they're pretty common. And I don't think it's unheard of for the bride and bridesmaids to get together and chit chat over wine while stuffing envelopes. In fact the friend of mine who I'm torn about asking had her bridesmaid help with her tying ribbons on her invitations... Again, my intention wasn't to give off the impression that I'm a diva or have high expectations of the girls I choose to be bridesmaids.

At the end of the day, I'm going to choose people who I consider good friends and want to be part of the special day. I was just seeking the advice of experienced Knot Brides on how they've dealt with these types of scenarios...

lilacck28 · July 2014

MinBride29 said:

Okay, wow. I totally gave off the wrong impression here. I apologize! Where should I start.
Well first off, thank you Ladies to the supportive words. I agree that it is best to follow my heart so I think I will just do that. Just wondering what that might be, lol.

I just wanted to clarify a couple of things. I seem to have come across as expecting my MOH and bridesmaids to be doing everything for me. That really wasn't what I was trying to say. By 'help', I was thinking that they can give me their two cents on things should I get stuck on deciding something. That was it. I wasn't expecting them to throw me lavish parties, help with crafts or plan my wedding as it was put. However, I am little confused. I don't have a lot of experience with weddings from the other side since I'm usually a guest and have been a bridesmaid once where the Bride insisted she didn't need help from any of us. So perhaps I've been misinformed but even the Knot provides a list (a rather exhaustive one) for what is 'expected' of a Maid of Honour http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx I'm assuming they listed these things because they're pretty common. And I don't think it's unheard of for the bride and bridesmaids to get together and chit chat over wine while stuffing envelopes. In fact the friend of mine who I'm torn about asking had her bridesmaid help with her tying ribbons on her invitations... Again, my intention wasn't to give off the impression that I'm a diva or have high expectations of the girls I choose to be bridesmaids.

At the end of the day, I'm going to choose people who I consider good friends and want to be part of the special day. I was just seeking the advice of experienced Knot Brides on how they've dealt with these types of scenarios...

That list is generally considered to be nonsense by ladies here. Part of the wedding industry indoctrination that extravagance is necessary and normal when it comes to weddings. By telling the world that planning parties and getting together to stuff envelopes is expected and normal, they encourage the expenses (travel and otherwise) that go along with them.

Getting together with your good friends to do wedding related things is certainly nice, as are wedding related parties, but they should only happen if the helpers offer help all on their own. And that does happen! My good friends and now bridesmaids have brought up that they want to plan a bachelorette party for me without a peep from me. I even told them it was not necessary, and all I really wanted was for them to be able to come to my wedding (but that I would understand if something came up.)

Letting those things arise naturally is how you keep friendships. There are a lot of women on these boards who have been bridesmaids and have had to do chores like stuffing envelopes at the behest of the bride or another bridesmaid, rather than actually WANTING to do it. And they are no longer friends with those people. That's why we always make sure to mention things like "don't expect anyone to plan or do tasks for you!" because the wedding industry has done a good job of convincing all of us that what we ask is normal, but it is actually a chore and often a financial hardship for your friends and family who will go along with you, smile to your face, and grumble behind your back.

lilacck28 · July 2014

And I wish we could help you pick your MOH since you're torn, but other than saying to go with who you are closest to, there's not much I can think of in the way of advice! Except that you can also have two MOHs. Or no MOHs.

MinBride29 · July 2014

Thanks for the clarification lilacck28. I appreciate it! I agree that weddings have become overly extravagant and a huge financial burden. I was invited to a bridal shower that I unfortunately couldn't attend but it was at a lavish country club. Who is paying for that? It seems like such a huge expense for what is really meant to be just a get together with the Bride. Even the ones that are held at someone's house can get expensive because of all the food that is supplied, not to mention the gifts that guests bring on top of the gifts and money that is provided at the wedding.

I need a realistic perspective on these things... too much TV and Martha Stewart Wedding magazines have tainted my understanding of what's the norm. (My overbearing friend ordered a magazine subscription it was really all I had to go by for a while).

lilacck28 · July 2014

As long as you keep in mind that traveling to get together's and the food and decorations and all that are expensive and time consuming, that your wedding is not likely to be a high a priority of your friends compared to their own lives, and that the most important part of being engaged is getting married to your fiance and (if you choose) having some friends and family there to witness it with you, then you'll be absolutely fine.

And Martha can be good for some fun crafts, as long as you're prepared to do them yourself or with your fiance, who are the only two people that have actual stake in the whole thing.

Just wait for your friends to bring up wedding things before you talk about them too much (not everyone wants to hear about your dress shopping or agonizing over the cake, but some people absolutely do). And if they don't, you won't be surprised or hurt. If they do, you'll be super excited.

I don't have a lot of close female friends

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