Bridesmaid Dilemmas!

ajosten07 · July 2014

Hello! My Fiance and I just got engaged, I'm already come across some kinks in the planning for bridal party attendants. My Fiance and I have a dear friend close to both of us, she is a lesbian and the conversation has come up before if she could wear a tux and stand on the groomsman side. That would be ideal except I was only planning on 5 attendants on each side. My Fiance already has his 5 accounted for and my 5th would be this friend. I've thought of some possibilities, I know she has wore a dress before in another friends wedding but felt uncomfortable which I don't want. I was thinking she could either wear a dress on my side, or a tux on my side, and if she didnt feel comfortable "standing out" in a tux with bridesmaids, I could make her an "usher" so she could wear the suit and ask my niece to be the 5th bridesmaid but I would still want her in the pictures and to walk down the isle somehow??? Ugh... I've also thought of having only 4 attendants on my side and 6 on his with her walking aside the groomsmen she would have been paired with had she wore a dress. I just want her to be happy and in my wedding, what do you suggest?? I plan on having another conversation with her to see what she would want but I want to be prepared with multiple options for her. I would also just add a 6th attendant but I cant come up with another besides my niece which still only makes 5. Thank you so much!

bethsmiles · July 2014

First sides don't need to be even. Please just let that go right now.

If you want your friend to be happy ask her what she is most comfortable with. It's fine if she stands on your side and doesn't wear a dress, it's fine if she does wear a dress. It's fine if she stands on your FI's and you have uneven sides.

I don't think it's okay to not ask her just because you don't know what she will wear. Honestly, this whole thing will be so easy to figure out once you 1) Let go of some arbitrary vision of even sides and trying to figure out who will walk with who and 2) talk to your friend about what makes her comfortable.

OnionBreath · July 2014

Choose your friend to be in your party because she is meaningful to you.

Let her wear what she is comfortable with.

It's okay for uneven sides.

It's okay for a woman to stand in a tux with women in dresses.

It's okay for a woman to stand in a tux with men in tuxes.

There's no problem here.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

PPs have everything covered. I especially second that she is not your lesbian friend, she's just your friend. Her sartorial preferences matter here, but her orientation is irrelevant.

You seem very concerned about your wedding party looking symmetrical and identical. Don't worry if this is not the case. Lots of wedding parties have mixed genders, different sides, mismatching dresses, pregnant BMs, whatever. As long as you love these people and they are comfortable in what they're wearing, you're good. Don't sweat it if your friend wants to wear a suit or tux, and she should stand on whichever side of the WP she is standing up for. So if you want her to stand up for you, let her wear something she's comfortable in and stand on your side.

FWIW, my bridal party will include, among others: my sister who has lots of visible tattoos, BFF #1 who happens to be lesbian and loves dresses more than I do, and BFF #2 who is Muslim and has serious modesty requirements. We have multiple races, various sizes, and a ten-year age spread. Nobody will look identical, but they will look like my friends and family, which is what matters.

Viczaesar · July 2014

ajosten07 said:

Hello! My Fiance and I just got engaged, I'm already come across some kinks in the planning for bridal party attendants. My Fiance and I have a dear friend close to both of us, she is a lesbian and the conversation has come up before if she could wear a tux and stand on the groomsman side. That would be ideal except I was only planning on 5 attendants on each side. My Fiance already has his 5 accounted for and my 5th would be this friend. I've thought of some possibilities, I know she has wore a dress before in another friends wedding but felt uncomfortable which I don't want. I was thinking she could either wear a dress on my side, or a tux on my side, and if she didnt feel comfortable "standing out" in a tux with bridesmaids, I could make her an "usher" so she could wear the suit and ask my niece to be the 5th bridesmaid but I would still want her in the pictures and to walk down the isle somehow??? Ugh... I've also thought of having only 4 attendants on my side and 6 on his with her walking aside the groomsmen she would have been paired with had she wore a dress. I just want her to be happy and in my wedding, what do you suggest?? I plan on having another conversation with her to see what she would want but I want to be prepared with multiple options for her. I would also just add a 6th attendant but I cant come up with another besides my niece which still only makes 5. Thank you so much!

1. Primarily I suggest not bringing her sexual orientation into the discussion. It's not in any way relevant and it's frankly offensive. She's not your lesbian friend, she's just your friend.

2. Making decisions on who is in your wedding party based on wanting even sides, wanting 5 attendants each, etc. is a bad idea. Have those to whom you and your FI are close, no matter if that means he has 7 and you have 3. If he has 6, you don't need to add another person, and quite simply should not add someone for the sake of even sides.

QueerFemme · July 2014

Oh for crying out loud.

Let her wear whatever she wants and stand on your side. Don't even suggest that she wear a dress, since you already know that she was uncomfortable the last time she was forced to wear one.

She can either wear a tux, with accessories (tie and vest) that match your BMs dresses, or she can just go with a classic black tux or suit.

I promise you, if she is a masculine/butch lesbian, she is likely used to "standing out". Either she will "stand out" as the only female on your FI's side, or the only one in a suit on your side. Either way, she is going to stand out, and guess what? No one is going to give a crap. If they do, they are assholes.

If she really is a close friend, enough that you were considering asking her to be in the wedding party, don't demote her and ask her to be an usher. That's crappy.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

1st, I suggest that you and your FI get over this symmetry thing. . .sides don't have to be even.

Next, you need to ask your friend what she prefers to wear in your wedding, and if it's a tux or a suit, them so be it. Let her worry about whether or not she feels comfortable standing up on your side in a tux/suit. . .I'm guessing it is less of an issue for her and more of an issue with you.

DO NOT ask her to wear a dress if she doesn't want to. That would be incredibly insensitive and rude.

Do not ask her to be an usher so she can wear a suit and you can maintain even sides. That would be incredibly insensitive and rude.

You don't need to have your bridal party process down the aisle together on pairs. . .this is your wedding, not Prom. You especially shouldn't have your bridal party walk down the aisle in pairs if you are planning on asking your friend to wear a dress so that it "looks ok." You can have the groomsmen enter from the side or walk down the aisle first, then have the bridesmaids come down the aisle.

ajosten07 · July 2014

Wow, I did not expect all the negativity. I am 23 and completely new to all of this. I love my friend dearly and would never be disrespectful to her. I thought I made it clear I want her in my wedding no matter what and want her to be happy in whatever she wears. The only reason I made the reference that she's a lesbian was just to explain why she'd not be wearing a dress, to inform ya'll so you'd know the situation. I was mainly asking for any further suggestions on how we could do it, but apparently I got my answer.

bethsmiles · July 2014

We weren't negative. We were honest. Worrying about even sides is so silly and so much more trouble than it's worth. The answer to your question is so easy, you are just way over complicating it.

OnionBreath · July 2014

I only see one slightly negative comment, but I think it's appropriate. What you aren't seeing is how your original post makes you come across as insensitive and somewhat offensive (though, I do not believe it was your intention).

Just read the advice, try not to be defensive, and sleep on it. It's better to work out the thoughts first on here than with the people in your life.

ajosten07 · July 2014

I did not feel you were being negative Beth. Thank you!

ajosten07 · July 2014

Thank you OB! Your right and the initial reactions were not what I was expecting. My friend and I have been together along time through thick and thin and guess I forget how offensive the topic can be to other individuals.

OnionBreath · July 2014

(Also, I don't know what your age has to do with anything).

OnionBreath · July 2014

The topic isn't offensive. The idea that someone of importance may get shifted out of the party or to another position because of their sexual preference is offensive. This is how the post reads to me.

ajosten07 · July 2014

I'm simply trying to get across wherever she wants to stand in whatever she wants to wear is fine with me as long as she's happy. I made this post in hopes that someone may have had a similar situation and would share how they went about it to possibly give me more ideas. That it all.

ajosten07 · July 2014

And it wouldn't be a "demotion" if that's what she would end up wanting. I just want her to be comfortable and not put in a situation to stand out if she doesn't want to. I was trying to prepare more options for her if that turns out to be the case.

QueerFemme · July 2014

ajosten07 said:
And it wouldn't be a "demotion" if that's what she would end up wanting. I just want her to be comfortable and not put in a situation to stand out if she doesn't want to. I was trying to prepare more options for her if that turns out to be the case.

It would be a demotion if you suggest it as an alternative. If she declines being in the wedding party, you can certainly offer her an usher spot. But offering it as an alternative makes it sound like YOU are the one that is afraid she will stand out

ajosten07 · July 2014

Yes, I'm using it as an option only if she's not comfortable being in the wedding party. I would prefer her to be in my wedding party.

ajosten07 · July 2014

But ya'll definitely have opened my eyes to uneven attendants. I feel much better realizing it doesn't matter the amount of people as long as you love them all. That is a weight lifted, Thank you. I feel I'm going to have to relax a bit through this and not stress so much over things. I just want our day to be perfect, and it will.

Viczaesar · July 2014

ajosten07 said:

Wow, I did not expect all the negativity. I am 23 and completely new to all of this. I love my friend dearly and would never be disrespectful to her. I thought I made it clear I want her in my wedding no matter what and want her to be happy in whatever she wears. The only reason I made the reference that she's a lesbian was just to explain why she'd not be wearing a dress, to inform ya'll so you'd know the situation. I was mainly asking for any further suggestions on how we could do it, but apparently I got my answer.

Her not wearing a dress has nothing to do with her sexuality, it has to do with her dislike of dresses. I'm glad you changed the title of your thread, though, and that you are feeling more comfortable with uneven sides.

Marzipan13 · July 2014

There is no dilemma here. Uneven sides are fine. Your friend preferring to wear a suit is fine. Her wearing a suit and standing on your side is fine.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

This is really easy; ask her what she wants to wear and what side she wants to stand on, and then go do that.

Personally I would have put her on my side because I asked her, and in a tux if that's what she most prefers. Or a pantsuit, if she's into that. Whatever, what she wants to wear, on my side, fuck "even sides", and done.

VulgarGirl · July 2014

ajosten07 said:

Wow, I did not expect all the negativity. I am 23 and completely new to all of this. I love my friend dearly and would never be disrespectful to her. I thought I made it clear I want her in my wedding no matter what and want her to be happy in whatever she wears. The only reason I made the reference that she's a lesbian was just to explain why she'd not be wearing a dress, to inform ya'll so you'd know the situation. I was mainly asking for any further suggestions on how we could do it, but apparently I got my answer.

I'm a lesbian who wears dresses. One of my good straight friends (I have straight friends, I'm cool like that) never wears dresses. If she were in my wedding, I'd let her wear a suit. Not all lesbians dislike dresses. Not all straight women like dresses. The fact that she's a lesbian is meaningless. She's your friend who doesn't like to wear dresses. Doesn't matter if she fucks guys, girls, both, or no one.

gmcr78 · July 2014

The PPs have pretty much covered it, but I wanted to say this. OP, I think your heart is in the right place, but your focus is in the wrong places. It's actually quite simple. If you want her to be your bridesmaid and stand with you on your wedding day, ask her to be a BM. Then ask her what she would like to wear. That's all there is to it.

lizzypoo96 · July 2014

I think PPs got the first situation solved for you- now here's an option- why not put your BM's in black or gray or something so your friend can wear a "matching" suit? That way she still feels comfortable but it's clear that she's on your side. Then if the boys still want to wear tuxes they still can?

For future reference, posts that suggest WP sides have to be even and that they must dress alike generally don't go over well

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