WWYD: Unwanted Guest/Family Drama
Good morning ladies, I would like some advice on how to deal. I'll share some of the details (way too long to go into specifics) to give you my situation.
So last night I get a call from my mom to inform me that only person I don't want at my wedding may infact be at my wedding.
Backstory- Ths person would be my brothers date. He and I aren't close and haven't been for awhile, beginning when he starting dating crazy. It caused many issues between not only us, but also my family (i.e. short story: she starts things and makes up stories and it's led to situations where my brother and her were continuously picked over me, by my own parents. There was about a year where I was actually alienated by my family. My mom is part of the problem and continues feeds into her stories. FI has also gotten dragged into her stories and is on the same page as me.) For my own sanity I don't want her there. They've been broken up for about a year, and things were finally getting better with our family, even some with my brother. With all the past tension, my brother has never been excited about the upcoming wedding and now along with being told she might be his guest, he is "so excited and cant wait". I made my position very clear when we got engaged and they were still together that I don't want her there and feel this is out of spite which brings me to part two.
Part two- One of my bridesmaids and crazy have a serious history of issue. (We'll put aside the fact that pretty much every that will be at the wedding strongly dislikes her). Crazy is a recorded one strike away from a restraining order because of their history (she was too nice because I told her long ago she should have filed it). With these issues, my mom was never a fan of her being in the wedding because of this backstory (indirectly affects my brother for obvious reasons). My brother has already tried to make comments about how he doesn't want to go because my bridesmaid's husband may start a fight, my brother is twice the size. Soooo - I feel as this coming up suddenly after a year is just spiteful because of my bridesmaid. My brothers relationship has been over, he moved cross country from crazy so I have a hard time thinking they are getting back together and it's not just for one day. Now I know with etiquette you can't dictate who people bring but I'm strongly worried something will go down at the wedding (could be between her and a number of people).
I communicated my feelings and my parents pretty much said too bad. "They won't pick between their kids" which they are by chosing to let her come despite my wishes IMO. So I pretty much have been told I don't have a say.
Sorry it's so long and hopefully it makes sense.
Re: WWYD: Unwanted Guest/Family Drama
-No physical assault, but there is a history of harassment, threats, blackmail, and destruction of property.
-At the time he is single, I consider her an ex-SO. He has given a guest because he's been on and off again "talking" with someone else and parents would have insisted otherwise. I wasn't even sure my brother would come, if I had it my way I'd say stay home if bringing her is such a "necessity".
-Parents are paying half and I'm paying half.
-I would plan to avoid contact between all parties involved anyways... but no matter how hard I'm sure something will come about
If you ALREADY know this information - I wouldn't even think twice.
Your parents unfortunately have say since they are pitching in, but I would insist that I paid for the part where she ain't coming. I would seriously tell my parents that.
And your brother shouldn't have gotten a +1 IMO, without a significant other. On again off again is not the same thing. Who is to say he won't be "on" when the RSVP arrives, then "off" on the wedding day? No way . . especially considering the potential situation that is now for really real brewing.
I would tell your parents/brother/crazypants herself - she is not to attend your wedding.
Why would they want to even chance it on this ONE DAY?! Everyone in attendance has an issue with her? Why would your parents even make it a picking sibling-over-sibling issue? Makes zero sense to me.
- First bold - I'm not absolutely certain. I do think there is a good chance she would antagonize someone to start something. And it may not be the bridesmaid, that's just the most serious of history, it could be a number of people.
- Second and third bold - I did insist when I found this out last night. Of course they are not happy, but I told them in no way was she welcomed. This led to "too bad". I have no way of getting ahold of crazy and it would cause issues if I directly told her that anyways.
- Yes, I know. My parents make no logical sense which is part of why crazy being involved has caused so many past issues with my family. When someone figures out my family dynamics and my parents thought process please let me know, I've been trying to figure it out for years. My parents have always had a stance that my older brother is somehow fragile and everyone must tiptoe around his feelings above all others. Again, don't ask me why,
Hopefully things will fall apart before your wedding day or someone sees the light.
Otherwise, is there any way you could designate someone to keep an eye on crazy and sort of babysit her? If she flares up the babysitter could escort her out quietly or divert her attention away from any people she's likely to piss off? Other than her mere presence, that is.
@HauteRoxy
I'm hoping they do see the light! FI has already talked to his dad. FFIL has already said he'll plan to stay sober and play babysitter. He's a big man and can handle these types of situations should something happen. Should issues arise my parents won't do anything, and if they would they'd kick the other person out, not her.
@AlexaF2014
I wish I could remove them... funny thing is they know she is BSC. My parents talk about every time she isn't in the picture, but when she is they are like BFF?? Again, see previous post about somehow thinking he's "sensitive". (which he isn't. He's def a big macho man type) I'm hoping so about the acting like an adult - wishful thinking??
I have had a mess of family drama as well, and I recently simply had to just let go and accept something as it was. I did just that, and it actually felt good.
So I am going to roll with that advice! positive thinking and a big man to wrangle any trouble.
Yay for emotional support!
After the last round about with this same issue and dealing with my family problems I was given some wonderful advise. "You can change yourself, you can change the other person, or you can remove yourself from the situation. The first two won't work." It's true and sadly that's what happened. I distanced myself, their relationship ended, my family became somewhat functional again, and we slowly started to work through our issues. However, I know that if she's in the picture I won't be, both because she'll make sure I'm not and two this time I won't be sticking around for the crazy showdown and that is something I had to accept and work through.
Coming to terms with the fact that I can choose not to be around, family or not, has helped me work past some of the issues. Last night I freaked out, voiced my opinions, and realized it may happen regardless. So where I'm out now is venting *hence post", which actually helped assure I'm not the crazy one, and taking any precautions.
Moral of the story, acceptance is key - Agreed!
If this woman has made threats of violence against anyone attending the wedding, or if she has a history of getting mad and breaking things, then I think you are justified in telling your brother she's not welcome. Unfortunately this may mean that your brother won't come, and it may cause major damage to the relationship. But that's the consequence of his choice to date crazypants.
Personally, I would hire security and instruct them to physically remove anyone who causes a problem. If you can't/ don't want to hire security and issues start to arise with this woman, I'd go somewhere and discreetly call the cops and have them remove her.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."