Wedding Etiquette Forum

WWYD: Unwanted Guest/Family Drama

l9il9i member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
edited July 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Good morning ladies, I would like some advice on how to deal.  I'll share some of the details (way too long to go into specifics) to give you my situation.

So last night I get a call from my mom to inform me that only person I don't want at my wedding may infact be at my wedding. 

Backstory- Ths person would be my brothers date.  He and I aren't close and haven't been for awhile, beginning when he starting dating crazy.  It caused many issues between not only us, but also my family (i.e. short story: she starts things and makes up stories and it's led to situations where my brother and her were continuously picked over me, by my own parents.  There was about a year where I was actually alienated by my family.  My mom is part of the problem and continues feeds into her stories.  FI has also gotten dragged into her stories and is on the same page as me.)  For my own sanity I don't want her there.  They've been broken up for about a year, and things were finally getting better with our family, even some with my brother.  With all the past tension, my brother has never been excited about the upcoming wedding and now along with being told she might be his guest, he is "so excited and cant wait".  I made my position very clear when we got engaged and they were still together that I don't want her there and feel this is out of spite which brings me to part two.

Part two- One of my bridesmaids and crazy have a serious history of issue.  (We'll put aside the fact that pretty much every that will be at the wedding strongly dislikes her).  Crazy is a recorded one strike away from a restraining order because of their history (she was too nice because I told her long ago she should have filed it).  With these issues, my mom was never a fan of her being in the wedding because of this backstory (indirectly affects my brother for obvious reasons).  My brother has already tried to make comments about how he doesn't want to go because my bridesmaid's husband may start a fight, my brother is twice the size.  Soooo - I feel as this coming up suddenly after a year is just spiteful because of my bridesmaid.  My brothers relationship has been over, he moved cross country from crazy so I have a hard time thinking they are getting back together and it's not just for one day.  Now I know with etiquette you can't dictate who people bring but I'm strongly worried something will go down at the wedding (could be between her and a number of people).

I communicated my feelings and my parents pretty much said too bad.  "They won't pick between their kids" which they are by chosing to let her come despite my wishes IMO.  So I pretty much have been told I don't have a say.

Sorry it's so long and hopefully it  makes sense.

Re: WWYD: Unwanted Guest/Family Drama

  • She's your brother's date, so you have to let her come. Unless she physically assaulted one of you or this bridesmaid, you need to just let it go. We had 2 guests at our wedding that neither my husband nor I wanted there, but one had already been given a Save the Date and hadn't actually DONE anything to us other than be a part of family drama, and the other one was the date of one of my husband's best friends. The only real stress I had during our wedding was all caused by her b/c she is a drama llama. But we sucked it up and dealt with it as it arose, and she was still invited. If someone starts a brawl at your wedding, you can always have them removed. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I think it depends on what the story is with your bridesmaids. 

    If your brother was single, why did you give him a date? 
  • If you are inviting your brother, you invite your brother's SO. Unless said SO has physically assaulted anyone attending the wedding, or (IMO) has made threats of physical violence to anyone in attendance. 

    If it's not too late, with this history, I would just not invite the brother at all, if you are paying for the wedding and parents do not get a say in the guest list. Brother knows he's dating a crazy-pants, and knows it will cause drama, and actions have consequences. However, you would have to be okay ruining any relationship you have with brother to do so. 

    If you must invite brother, you must invite crazy-pants girlfriend too. You can always hope she won't come, but it might be best to invest in a security team and give them her picture in case she starts anything with you or bridesmaid. Seat brother and crazy-pants as far away from you and BM as possible. But most of all, know that if she does start anything, it will reflect poorly on her, and not on you.
    image
  • I think it depends on what the story is with your bridesmaids. 

    This is true. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • l9il9i member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    -No physical assault, but there is a history of harassment, threats, blackmail, and destruction of property.

    -At the time he is single, I consider her an ex-SO.  He has given a guest because he's been on and off again "talking" with someone else and parents would have insisted otherwise.  I wasn't even sure my brother would come, if I had it my way I'd say stay home if bringing her is such a "necessity".

    -Parents are paying half and I'm paying half.

    -I would plan to avoid contact between all parties involved anyways... but no matter how hard I'm sure something will come about

  • l9i said:

    Good morning ladies, I would like some advice on how to deal.  I'll share some of the details (way too long to go into specifics) to give you my situation.

    So last night I get a call from my mom to inform me that only person I don't want at my wedding may infact be at my wedding. 

    Backstory- Ths person would be my brothers date.  He and I aren't close and haven't been for awhile, beginning when he starting dating crazy.  It caused many issues between not only us, but also my family (i.e. short story: she starts things and makes up stories and it's led to situations where my brother and her were continuously picked over me, by my own parents.  There was about a year where I was actually alienated by my family.  My mom is part of the problem and continues feeds into her stories.  FI has also gotten dragged into her stories and is on the same page as me.)  For my own sanity I don't want her there.  They've been broken up for about a year, and things were finally getting better with our family, even some with my brother.  With all the past tension, my brother has never been excited about the upcoming wedding and now along with being told she might be his guest, he is "so excited and cant wait".  I made my position very clear when we got engaged and they were still together that I don't want her there and feel this is out of spite which brings me to part two.

    Part two- One of my bridesmaids and crazy have a serious history of issue.  (We'll put aside the fact that pretty much every that will be at the wedding strongly dislikes her).  Crazy is a recorded one strike away from a restraining order because of their history (she was too nice because I told her long ago she should have filed it).  With these issues, my mom was never a fan of her being in the wedding because of this backstory (indirectly affects my brother for obvious reasons).  My brother has already tried to make comments about how he doesn't want to go because my bridesmaid's husband may start a fight, my brother is twice the size.  Soooo - I feel as this coming up suddenly after a year is just spiteful because of my bridesmaid.  My brothers relationship has been over, he moved cross country from crazy so I have a hard time thinking they are getting back together and it's not just for one day.  Now I know with etiquette you can't dictate who people bring but I'm strongly worried something will go down at the wedding (could be between her and a number of people).

    I communicated my feelings and my parents pretty much said too bad.  "They won't pick between their kids" which they are by chosing to let her come despite my wishes IMO.  So I pretty much have been told I don't have a say.

    Sorry it's so long and hopefully it  makes sense.

    What is the current relationship status between your brother and crazy? Are they actually back together? Did you give your brother a plus one and he chose to bring crazy?

    Also, who is paying for the wedding?  If your parents are paying, they do get a say.  But if they are not paying and you are - assuming brother is not dating crazy, this should be your hill to die on.  Hire security and make it known to your mother that is crazy shows up, she will not be allowed in.
  • If you are absolutely certain without a doubt that crazy broad will somehow harm someone or seriously disrupt your wedding then I would absolutely ban her from coming to the wedding. Period.

    If you ALREADY know this information - I wouldn't even think twice. 

    Your parents unfortunately have say since they are pitching in, but I would insist that I paid for the part where she ain't coming. I would seriously tell my parents that. 

    And your brother shouldn't have gotten a +1 IMO, without a significant other. On again off again is not the same thing. Who is to say he won't be "on" when the RSVP arrives, then "off" on the wedding day? No way . . especially considering the potential situation that is now for really real brewing. 

    I would tell your parents/brother/crazypants herself - she is not to attend your wedding.

    Why would they want to even chance it on this ONE DAY?! Everyone in attendance has an issue with her? Why would your parents even make it a picking sibling-over-sibling issue? Makes zero sense to me. 


  • l9il9i member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    HauteRoxy said:
    If you are absolutely certain without a doubt that crazy broad will somehow harm someone or seriously disrupt your wedding then I would absolutely ban her from coming to the wedding. Period.

    If you ALREADY know this information - I wouldn't even think twice. 

    Your parents unfortunately have say since they are pitching in, but I would insist that I paid for the part where she ain't coming. I would seriously tell my parents that. 

    And your brother shouldn't have gotten a +1 IMO, without a significant other. On again off again is not the same thing. Who is to say he won't be "on" when the RSVP arrives, then "off" on the wedding day? No way . . especially considering the potential situation that is now for really real brewing. 

    I would tell your parents/brother/crazypants herself - she is not to attend your wedding.

    Why would they want to even chance it on this ONE DAY?! Everyone in attendance has an issue with her? Why would your parents even make it a picking sibling-over-sibling issue? Makes zero sense to me. 


    - First bold - I'm not absolutely certain.  I do think there is a good chance she would antagonize someone to start something.  And it may not be the bridesmaid, that's just the most serious of history, it could be a number of people.

    - Second and third bold - I did insist when I found this out last night.  Of course they are not happy, but I told them in no way was she welcomed.  This led to "too bad".  I have no way of getting ahold of crazy and it would cause issues if I directly told her that anyways.

    - Yes, I know.  My parents make no logical sense which is part of why crazy being involved has caused so many past issues with my family.  When someone figures out my family dynamics and my parents thought process please let me know, I've been trying to figure it out for years.  My parents have always had a stance that my older brother is somehow fragile and everyone must tiptoe around his feelings above all others.  Again, don't ask me why,

    HauteRoxy
  • Aw, I am sorry. I understand lack of logical reasoning with both my family and FH's -  I can empathize and I also apologize if I made it sound so easy-peasy, dust it off an move forward. 

    Hopefully things will fall apart before your wedding day or someone sees the light. 

    Otherwise, is there any way you could designate someone to keep an eye on crazy and sort of babysit her? If she flares up the babysitter could escort her out quietly or divert her attention away from any people she's likely to piss off? Other than her mere presence, that is.
  • With PPs I would say again to hire security if removing her and/or brother from the list isn't possible. If everyone but parents and brother knows that she's BSC, they will probably be thankful for her to be removed if she does start something.

    Then again, she might act like an adult for one night... if could happen, right?
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • l9il9i member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    @HauteRoxy

    I'm hoping they do see the light!  FI has already talked to his dad.  FFIL has already said he'll plan to stay sober and play babysitter.  He's a big man and can handle these types of situations should something happen.  Should issues arise my parents won't do anything, and if they would they'd kick the other person out, not her.

    @AlexaF2014

    I wish I could remove them... funny thing is they know she is BSC.  My parents talk about every time she isn't in the picture, but when she is they are like BFF??  Again, see previous post about somehow thinking he's "sensitive".  (which he isn't.  He's def a big macho man type)  I'm hoping so about the acting like an adult - wishful thinking??

    HauteRoxy
  • I am so glad you are staying positive through this! That will help you a LOT - trust me. 

    I have had a mess of family drama as well, and I recently simply had to just let go and accept something as it was. I did just that, and it actually felt good. 

    So I am going to roll with that advice! positive thinking and a big man to wrangle any trouble. :) 
    l9i
  • l9il9i member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    HauteRoxy said:
    I am so glad you are staying positive through this! That will help you a LOT - trust me. 

    I have had a mess of family drama as well, and I recently simply had to just let go and accept something as it was. I did just that, and it actually felt good. 

    So I am going to roll with that advice! positive thinking and a big man to wrangle any trouble. :) 

    Yay for emotional support!

    After the last round about with this same issue and dealing with my family problems I was given some wonderful advise.  "You can change yourself, you can change the other person, or you can remove yourself from the situation.  The first two won't work."  It's true and sadly that's what happened.  I distanced myself, their relationship ended, my family became somewhat functional again, and we slowly started to work through our issues.  However, I know that if she's in the picture I won't be, both because she'll make sure I'm not and two this time I won't be sticking around for the crazy showdown and that is something I had to accept and work through.

    Coming to terms with the fact that I can choose not to be around, family or not, has helped me work past some of the issues.  Last night I freaked out, voiced my opinions, and realized it may happen regardless.  So where I'm out now is venting *hence post", which actually helped assure I'm not the crazy one, and taking any precautions.

    Moral of the story, acceptance is key - Agreed!

    PrettyGirlLostHauteRoxy
  • l9i said:

    -No physical assault, but there is a history of harassment, threats, blackmail, and destruction of property.

    -At the time he is single, I consider her an ex-SO.  He has given a guest because he's been on and off again "talking" with someone else and parents would have insisted otherwise.  I wasn't even sure my brother would come, if I had it my way I'd say stay home if bringing her is such a "necessity".

    -Parents are paying half and I'm paying half.

    -I would plan to avoid contact between all parties involved anyways... but no matter how hard I'm sure something will come about

    Do you mean that crazypants has threatened one of your BMs? Or anyone else attending the wedding?

    If this woman has made threats of violence against anyone attending the wedding, or if she has a history of getting mad and breaking things, then I think you are justified in telling your brother she's not welcome. Unfortunately this may mean that your brother won't come, and it may cause major damage to the relationship. But that's the consequence of his choice to date crazypants.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • OP, the PPs have given you some great advice. I'm so flabbergasted that your parents chose their son's crazy girlfriend over you. Who does that?
    PrettyGirlLost
  • l9i said:

    -No physical assault, but there is a history of harassment, threats, blackmail, and destruction of property.

    -At the time he is single, I consider her an ex-SO.  He has given a guest because he's been on and off again "talking" with someone else and parents would have insisted otherwise.  I wasn't even sure my brother would come, if I had it my way I'd say stay home if bringing her is such a "necessity".

    -Parents are paying half and I'm paying half.

    -I would plan to avoid contact between all parties involved anyways... but no matter how hard I'm sure something will come about

    If there's no history of physical violence then I don't think your BM could actually get a restraining order against your brother's GF.

    Personally, I would hire security and instruct them to physically remove anyone who causes a problem. If you can't/ don't want to hire security and issues start to arise with this woman, I'd go somewhere and discreetly call the cops and have them remove her.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • l9il9i member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    She could have filed one when all of this originally went down due to the severity of the other items listed.  Myself and her FI (now DH) told her too at the time but she opted not to because she didn't want to ruin any chances crazy might have for a career - BM is such a sweetie.
  • -No physical assault, but there is a history of harassment, threats, blackmail, and destruction of property.

    -At the time he is single, I consider her an ex-SO.  He has given a guest because he's been on and off again "talking" with someone else and parents would have insisted otherwise.  I wasn't even sure my brother would come, if I had it my way I'd say stay home if bringing her is such a "necessity".

    -Parents are paying half and I'm paying half.

    -I would plan to avoid contact between all parties involved anyways... but no matter how hard I'm sure something will come about

    If there's no history of physical violence then I don't think your BM could actually get a restraining order against your brother's GF. Personally, I would hire security and instruct them to physically remove anyone who causes a problem. If you can't/ don't want to hire security and issues start to arise with this woman, I'd go somewhere and discreetly call the cops and have them remove her.
    You can get a restraining order without physical violence. Harassment, stalking, and destroying someone else's property are emotional and verbal abuse and just as harmful as physical violence. The courts recognize and will issue restraining orders for this type of abusive behavior.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • NymeruNymeru member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I agree with PP.  Have a baby-sitter and security keyed to get her ass out of there should she even begin to cause issues.
  • db1984db1984 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    The destruction of property would be enough for me to keep her out.  You know darn well she won't reimburse the venue for any property damage, and it sounds like your brother and parents won't, either.  Whoever signs the contract with the venue will be held responsible, and I'm betting that's you and your FI.
    huskypuppy14
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards