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Am I breaking any etiquette rules?

cnblakecnblake member
Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi there. I'm planning a wedding and my fiancé and I agree that we want a small ceremony with our immediate families there only-so about 30 people, including kids. We'll have cake a punch and whatnot. We do want to have a party to celebrate after our honeymoon with around 175 people, I suppose you would call that a marriage celebration party. As long as it is strictly a party and not a reception (no dress, wedding cake, first dance, registry, ext), and we host it properly, it is ok that we not invite all 175 people to the reception? I want to make sure I am covering my bases and doing things right etiquette-wise. Thanks
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Re: Am I breaking any etiquette rules?

  • cnblakecnblake member
    Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    I totally get why it seems weird to plan two things. I would prefer to elope but FI wants parents and sister there. Which means I'd have to invite my parents and siblings (I'm one of 9) and the kids and spouses... I'm a very private person and don't like to be the center of attention so the idea of a large ceremony is daunting to me. It might be extra work but we're ok with that as long as I'm properly hosting my guests.
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Etiquette wise, you are having a wedding and a wedding reception with approximately 30 guests. The reception is immediately following the reception. All the guests from the ceremony MUST be invited to this, and you cannot invite anyone to this that was not invited to the ceremony. I.e. the exact same guest list for both. You can then throw any party you want at any point in your life with any guest list that you want. It is a bit tacky to throw a party in your own honor, but it is what it is. I think you're fine.
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  • cnblakecnblake member
    Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    Right. I suppose it is less daunting knowing I won't be in a wedding dress, won't have a first dance, toasts, wedding party, ect.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    No, you are not breaking any rules.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Maggie0829 said:
    cnblake said:
    I totally get why it seems weird to plan two things. I would prefer to elope but FI wants parents and sister there. Which means I'd have to invite my parents and siblings (I'm one of 9) and the kids and spouses... I'm a very private person and don't like to be the center of attention so the idea of a large ceremony is daunting to me. It might be extra work but we're ok with that as long as I'm properly hosting my guests.
    You do realize that at your large celebration party you will still be the center of attention, right?
    This 1000%

    Can someone please logically explain to me why a large ceremony causes social anxiety for someone but a large reception doesn't?  You are the center of attention at both and in fact you do MORE socializing at a reception when you properly receive your guests.  All you are doing in the ceremony is repeating vows and walking around.

    In my opinion it just sounds like a way for someone to be the center of attention twice.
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  • cnblakecnblake member
    Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    @MGP I guess I don't understand your reasoning? I feel that a ceremony with my parents, siblings, and grandparents will cause me less social anxiety as these are the people I see on a regular basis and will feel more comfortable. Like I said, I would prefer to elope and he would prefer to have people at the ceremony so this is our way of a compromise. I suppose most people do not feel this way but I feel that vows are a very intimate thing and I don't want everyone to hear them. 

    I don't enjoy having social anxiety and I the only way I can logically explain this is that a big white dress, first dance, cutting of the cake, and speeches will make me feel so on the spot and I'd prefer not to have a panic attack lol. A plain party without the frills is more familiar.
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  • beetherybeethery member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    Speaking in front of a crowd and speaking to person or a few people (in a receiving line or table visit) face-to-face are two very different things.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

    image
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  • cnblakecnblake member
    Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    @indianaalum
    Thank you for explaining this so much better than I did! That is exactly how I feel. 
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    indianaalum said:
    MGP said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    cnblake said:
    I totally get why it seems weird to plan two things. I would prefer to elope but FI wants parents and sister there. Which means I'd have to invite my parents and siblings (I'm one of 9) and the kids and spouses... I'm a very private person and don't like to be the center of attention so the idea of a large ceremony is daunting to me. It might be extra work but we're ok with that as long as I'm properly hosting my guests.
    You do realize that at your large celebration party you will still be the center of attention, right?
    This 1000%

    Can someone please logically explain to me why a large ceremony causes social anxiety for someone but a large reception doesn't?  You are the center of attention at both and in fact you do MORE socializing at a reception when you properly receive your guests.  All you are doing in the ceremony is repeating vows and walking around.

    In my opinion it just sounds like a way for someone to be the center of attention twice.
    I can totally explain actually. I did not do anything different with my wedding (ie. small ceremony, large reception), but I can tell you that my husband and I both have some varying levels of anxiety. My husband has actual panic attacks. We had a church wedding which was terrifying to him as there is NO WHERE to escape if you have one at the alter. Everyone will see and know. If you "leave" the alter in the middle of the ceremony, you will automatically create some kinda "hoopla" which will create questions. 

    The difference between the CEREMONY and the RECEPTION is that, in theory, you CAN escape the reception without anyone seeing. you can sit, you can relax, you can go outside, have a drink,  you can go to the bathroom, etc..and nobody will be the wiser. You cannot DO that at the ceremony if your anxiety level goes up. you are literally STUCK at the alter/front with 100 or so people staring at you. IF you DO have to "leave" during the middle of the ceremony, every single person notices and will then ask/talk about it for the rest of the night.

    It pisses me off when nobody gets that here at he knot and automatically lashed out at brides when they state it. Clearly, they have never experienced anxiety, otherwise they would understand that there is a HUGE difference between the "anxiety" of what happens at a ceremony and what happens in the reception.

    I was a complete bundle of nerves the entire ceremony (mainly because i was so worried my husband would have a difficult time at the alter). Literally, once the ceremony was over, we sat in the limo and said "WE DID IT" and then knew 1000000 percent that we could relax for the rest of the night.

    Please don't judge people until you have walked in their shoes. Anxiety is an extremely powerful thing
    Believe me I have walked in those shoes.  My husband and I both have been medicated for years due to depression and anxiety.

    While I really like and agree with your explanation, to me it still doesn't justify leaving people out of the entire event.  Additionally if people are not aware of your situation - which most probably are not - it comes across as certain people making the cut and others not.  Feelings always get hurt with tiered hospitality no matter what the reasons.  I am a huge fan of hosting equally or not at all.

    My guest list didn't consist of "who do I want for the ceremony vs. reception" it was simply "who is invited and who is not".  If my opinion is an unpopular one I am fine with that.
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