Wedding Party

Bridesmaid and inviting a guest

I asked one of my best friends and my 'little', from my sorority, to be in my wedding. What I am afraid of is her asking me if she can bring her boyfriend- who is my ex. This is a guy I was dating for quite a few months and was intimate with. It's been over two years now that I've been with my fiancé, but I still don't feel comfortable having my ex at my wedding. Am I correct in thinking it would be awkward and inappropriate for me and my fiancé on our special day, or do I need to find a way to not feel awkward?

Re: Bridesmaid and inviting a guest

  • NymeruNymeru member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It sounds like that is going to be awkward as hell.  What does your FI think about it?  Have you discussed this?

    While I know the grown-up thing to do would be just grit your teeth and bear it, because of course your bridesmaid should be allowed to bring her SO, I know for an absolute fact that if my last ex showed up to my wedding and had to sit with my FI and I at our bridal table, my FI would lose his shit (we've had some issues with my ex tracking me down/stalking over the last year).  I don't think your circumstances are quite the same, but definitely sound out your FI before you cause any sort of drama with your friend.  She'll have every right to feel hurt if you ask her to not bring her SO.  If your FI doesn't have a problem with it, I'm more of the opinion that you'll just need to find a way to overcome your discomfort.  It's been a long time and you are quite obviously very secure in your current relationship.  You'll be focusing on a million different things on your wedding day (hopefully your new husband for the majority of the time), and you very well might not even have that much contact with your ex.  It might not be as bad as you fear.

    Out of curiosity, how did you deal with your friend dating your ex?  Has it been an issue the whole time, or are you just worried that it will become an issue at your wedding?
  • vk2204vk2204 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Whether it is awkward or not your friend is dating him. Anyone who is in a relationship at the time the invitations go out should have a plus one. I promise you that you will not even notice him that day.
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    holyguacamole79PrettyGirlLost
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    If he is her boyfriend and she is invited to the wedding, then he needs to be invited as well. You say this girl is your best friend. How do you get around the awkwardness normally? Do you not see them?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Fran1985 Maggie0829PrettyGirlLost
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Invite him. I highly doubt he'll start talking about what serial positions you like during the wedding. You probably won't even notice him. Woman up.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • If one of your guests is in a relationship, their SO needs to be invited. Due to the circumstances, that includes your ex. This is your wedding day. I'm assuming you're over him/the relationship if you're getting married. He's in a relationship and it sounds like you have no hard feelings with his new gf (quite the opposite). 

    I honestly think if you decide this isn't going to bother you, it won't. It hasn't seemed to up until now, so don't let the wedding change anything. If you don't invite him, you'd be bucking etiquette and insulting your BM's relationship while asking her to honor yours. I wouldn't go down that road - not worth it.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, the time to think about that was before you asked this woman to be in your wedding party. But that ship has sailed. You have to invite her BF no matter how awkward it will be for you. How did you think it would play out when you asked her to be a BM?!

    Also, she shouldn't have to ASK to bring her BF. SO's are always invited and should be named on the invitation.
    Fran1985 PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If he is her significant other, he needs to be invited. 

    Just to give some perspective, I have an ex-boyfriend that will be attending my wedding. He's the reason I met FI. They're good friends and have been for years. And we all get along so we've put aside any weirdness. We're actually hanging out with my ex and his girlfriend tonight. 

    FI also has an ex-girlfriend that will be attending the wedding with her husband. She and FI dated for 12 years. He stayed close with her and her family, and they'll all be at our wedding. 


    PrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I asked one of my best friends and my 'little', from my sorority, to be in my wedding. What I am afraid of is her asking me if she can bring her boyfriend- who is my ex. This is a guy I was dating for quite a few months and was intimate with. It's been over two years now that I've been with my fiancé, but I still don't feel comfortable having my ex at my wedding. Am I correct in thinking it would be awkward and inappropriate for me and my fiancé on our special day, or do I need to find a way to not feel awkward?


    Invite him.  He is your BMs' SO.  Unless he tried to break up you and FI or he committed a crime against you/FI, there is no way to not invite him without looking rude.  You have moved on and I'm assuming he has moved on as well, since he is dating someone else.

    I also second Addie's question - how do you normally handle the awkwardness with your friend dating your ex?

    PrettyGirlLost
  • VMoscoso119VMoscoso119 member
    First Comment
    edited June 2014
    I wasn't asked. This girl has been in my life a long time, and one day she randomly told me they slept together and had started dating. I don't live in the same state anymore so I never see them. But on the single occasion I went back, she made it feel like I wasn't good enough to have been with him. While I do love her, she is dramatic and competitive. I don't know if I would consider them to be significant yet, as it's only been two or three months they've been together. Yes, I am uncomfortable with them dating as well, because it's really not something you should be doing, dating a best friend's ex. My fiancé isn't very pleased with the idea of this particular ex being here- he doesn't think he should be invited either. I understand wedding etiquette, but this is what I feel to be a delicate situation. And also, I asked her to be in my wedding before I was told she was dating him. Please do not think I am stupid or didn't think this through.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You don't get to decide how long a couple has been dating to be "significant."
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wasn't asked. This girl has been in my life a long time, and one day she randomly told me they slept together and had started dating. I don't live in the same state anymore so I never see them. But on the single occasion I went back, she made it feel like I wasn't good enough to have been with him. While I do love her, she is dramatic and competitive. I don't know if I would consider them to be significant yet, as it's only been two or three months they've been together. Yes, I am uncomfortable with them dating as well, because it's really not something you should be doing, dating a best friend's ex. My fiancé isn't very pleased with the idea of this particular ex being here- he doesn't think he should be invited either. I understand wedding etiquette, but this is what I feel to be a delicate situation. And also, I asked her to be in my wedding before I was told she was dating him. Please do not think I am stupid or didn't think this through.
    I'm sorry you and FI feel this way. He should be invited.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • NymeruNymeru member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Ultimately, it is your choice.  Etiquette says you have to invite him, but it's your call if you're going to follow that etiquette.  Just be prepared for the fall-out.
  • So how long were you with your FI before you considered the relationship to be "significant"? I met my husband's entire extended family when we were together for 3 months. We certainly were significant at that time.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I asked one of my best friends and my 'little', from my sorority, to be in my wedding. What I am afraid of is her asking me if she can bring her boyfriend- who is my ex. This is a guy I was dating for quite a few months and was intimate with. It's been over two years now that I've been with my fiancé, but I still don't feel comfortable having my ex at my wedding. Am I correct in thinking it would be awkward and inappropriate for me and my fiancé on our special day, or do I need to find a way to not feel awkward?
    Wait- so you fooled around with someone for a few months, making it significant enough to justify not inviting the SO of one of your best friends (who you dated over 2 years ago?.. at least?) BUT the fact that they have only been dating for a few months is also justification for not inviting him?

    Does not compute.
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    banana468OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • Do you not want to be friends with your bridesmaid anymore? Because if not, you can uninvite them both. But if you want to have a relationship with her, you need to invite her boyfriend, as awkward as it may be. The bridal party does not need to be seated near the bride and groom.  
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You need to invite him.  Not tell her she can bring him, but put his name on her invitation.

    If you're still so stuck on him that it will bother you that much to see him on your wedding day, you shouldn't be getting married.  
    NYCMercedesPrettyGirlLost
  • Do you think that maybe he'll feel uncomfortable as well, and maybe opt to not come? Then you've atleast invited him.

    But I would feel completely uncomfortable too. Especially if they started dating AFTER you asked her. So it's not like its something you could of avoided at the time.
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  • How far away from your wedding are you? If you're still aways out before sending your invites, this could be a total non-issue. Maybe they'll have parted ways by the time your invites go out. If your invites are going out soon, then yes I think you need to invite him. Honestly, you and your soon-to-be hubby will be so wrapped up in each other that you really won't notice this guy. We invited my FI's last serious girlfriend before we met, because she is now married to his best friend. (He was actually in the wedding party for their wedding, so THAT was fun). It was weird but didn't affect the night then; them being at our wedding won't affect us either. I think the same will be true for you!
    PrettyGirlLost
  •    Hmm, this could be tricky. My Fi would NOT be comfortable with me having an ex of any sort at our wedding. If I knew before I asked this girl to be my bridesmaid that she was dating my ex, I wouldn't ask her or invite her, because etiquette dictates you need to invite everyone with their SO. 

       If she started dating him after I had asked her to be a bridesmaid, I'd probably break etiquette and say he wasn't welcome due to my Fi's strong feelings on the matter. I'd acknowledge the etiquette breach to the bridesmaid and accept the fallout, whatever that may be. This is what I would do. I realize it could be a friendship ending move not just for the girl and I, but for anyone who hears about it. 

     I don't recommend you do this, it's definitely against etiquette and no doubt I will roast in a special place in etiquette hell for even thinking it. 

      Fortunately for me, it's not an issue as neither my niece nor my married sister are likely to start dating any of my ex's and the guest list is limited to immediate family.
  • Your fiancé is wrong. Her SO must be invited. You and your FI need to get over it.
    PrettyGirlLostViczaesar
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I wasn't asked. This girl has been in my life a long time, and one day she randomly told me they slept together and had started dating. I don't live in the same state anymore so I never see them. But on the single occasion I went back, she made it feel like I wasn't good enough to have been with him. While I do love her, she is dramatic and competitive. I don't know if I would consider them to be significant yet, as it's only been two or three months they've been together. Yes, I am uncomfortable with them dating as well, because it's really not something you should be doing, dating a best friend's ex. My fiancé isn't very pleased with the idea of this particular ex being here- he doesn't think he should be invited either. I understand wedding etiquette, but this is what I feel to be a delicate situation. And also, I asked her to be in my wedding before I was told she was dating him. Please do not think I am stupid or didn't think this through.
    Honestly, it sounds like you are just pissed that she is dating your ex.

    As to the bolded.  Sorry but you need to get over that shit.  You are an adult and so is she and so is this ex of yours.  You don't own him and you can't control who he or she dates.  It has been 2 years.  It didn't work out between you and your ex for a reason.  You moved on and you are happy now.  Invite her boyfriend like a mature adult would.

    OliveOilsMompeachy13PrettyGirlLost
  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's a weird situation, but yes, I think you have to invite him. Imagine if your friend and him get married someday... would you and your husband be invited? Probably.

    If you're getting married and he's in a serious relationship, everyone should be over the thing you and your ex had, and if you're not inviting him specifically because you dated for a few months a few years ago, it prompts a few questions, one especially being "are you not over your ex?"
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I asked one of my best friends and my 'little', from my sorority, to be in my wedding. What I am afraid of is her asking me if she can bring her boyfriend- who is my ex. This is a guy I was dating for quite a few months and was intimate with. It's been over two years now that I've been with my fiancé, but I still don't feel comfortable having my ex at my wedding. Am I correct in thinking it would be awkward and inappropriate for me and my fiancé on our special day, or do I need to find a way to not feel awkward?

    Sorry to tell you that your BM shouldn't need to ask you if she can bring her boyfriend to your wedding. . .because you should be inviting him by name on her invitation since he is her SO. You need to invite everyone who is in a relationship with their SO. . .Unless that SO has physically abused or threatened you or any of your other guests.

    If you feel awkward about being around a guy you slept with over two years ago, you are gonna have to find a way to get over it. Especially if this guy is in your social circle still.

    As long as he doesn't make a pass at you at the reception I don't really see how this is a big deal. You likely won't be spending much time around him.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I wasn't asked. This girl has been in my life a long time, and one day she randomly told me they slept together and had started dating. I don't live in the same state anymore so I never see them. But on the single occasion I went back, she made it feel like I wasn't good enough to have been with him. While I do love her, she is dramatic and competitive. I don't know if I would consider them to be significant yet, as it's only been two or three months they've been together. Yes, I am uncomfortable with them dating as well, because it's really not something you should be doing, dating a best friend's ex.

    My fiancé isn't very pleased with the idea of this particular ex being here- he doesn't think he should be invited either. I understand wedding etiquette, but this is what I feel to be a delicate situation.

    And also, I asked her to be in my wedding before I was told she was dating him. Please do not think I am stupid or didn't think this through.

    Are you all very young? Like in your 20's? I ask because you seem a bit young and naive socially.

    You don't get to judge the seriousness or significance of other people's relationships. And the only people it is largely considered amoral to sleep with or date are other people's married or committed spouses/SOs.

    This guy is your ex- there's no reason why your friend can't date him if she wants to. You guys broke it off and you are marrying some one else. To me it sounds like your issues with their relationship and him coming to the wedding stem from your own insecurities.

    And it sounds like your FI is insecure as well and jealous.

    I bet this isn't going to be received well, and I mean this in a kind way, but you and your FI need to find a way to get over this and grow up a bit emotionally and socially. You are marrying your FI, not this ex. It shouldn't matter if he is present.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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