Not Even an Acknowledgment? NWR

7651arty · July 2014

Last month, FI and I sent a birthday gift to his six year old nephew. Three weeks have passed, and we have neither heard from the family nor received a thank you/acknowledgement of any kind. On the child's birthday, we called and spoke with him and and his parents, and let the parents know that his gift should be delivered the next day. The tracking website says the gift was delivered on time.

I side-eye not receiving a thank you, especially if a child is involved. I hate parents who do not teach their children etiquette.

On a side note, when we called SIL the week before nephew's birthday to ask what toys nephew is currently interested in, she said to just send cash because the child is "saving up" for a nearly $400 Lego set. Sorry, but unless you're graduating high school or college (not kindergarten!), FI and I are not giving you a cash gift. And, asking relatives to send cash to your child? Seriously?

How would you ladies address this situation? No birthday gift next year? Card only next year? Address the parents? We live in different states, so all interaction is by phone.

mysticl · July 2014

7651arty said:

Last month, FI and I sent a birthday gift to his six year old nephew. Three weeks have passed, and we have neither heard from the family nor received a thank you/acknowledgement of any kind. On the child's birthday, we called and spoke with him and and his parents, and let the parents know that his gift should be delivered the next day. The tracking website says the gift was delivered on time. I side-eye not receiving a thank you, especially if a child is involved. I hate parents who do not teach their children etiquette. On a side note, when we called SIL the week before nephew's birthday to ask what toys nephew is currently interested in, she said to just send cash because the child is "saving up" for a nearly $400 Lego set. Sorry, but unless you're graduating high school or college (not kindergarten!), FI and I are not giving you a cash gift. And, asking relatives to send cash to your child? Seriously? How would you ladies address this situation? No birthday gift next year? Card only next year? Address the parents? We live in different states, so all interaction is by phone.

STB:
I would either ask the parents if they received the gift or let it go. I would not withhold a gift from a child because at the age of (barely) six his parents hadn't taught him to send thank you notes.

MobKaz · July 2014

I really dislike punishing the child because of the sins of the father, so to speak. However, I do not like when gifts are not acknowledged.

I often will write a letter to the recipient. I ask a few questions about their birthday celebration. I end the letter with a subtle, "I can't wait to hear from you". If that does not spark an acknowledgement, then I would stop sending gifts.

Based on your SIL's comments, however, I would not be holding out hope that social graces will be forthcoming.

AddieCake · July 2014

I would not slight the child (he's 6) b/c the parents didn't have him call and thank you. I see nothing wrong with giving a child cash or a gift card to Toys R Us, which is essentially the same thing. If the kid wants this Lego set, what's the harm? I would hate to get a gift I wasn't interested in just b/c the sender thought I was too young to receive cash toward the gift I really, really wanted.

I would call and make sure he got the gift. Hopefully, they will put him on the phone to thank you for it. If not, I wouldn't say anything. If it bothers you and you want to send some kind of message, maybe send a smaller gift next year, but I would not completely slight him.

monkeysip · July 2014

I completely agree it's rude not to receive a thank you, but I'd probably let it go. Of course, you're never obligated to give the child a gift again, but if you're relatively close to him/his parents, then I would just continue giving the gifts you want to give, and maybe you'll get a thank you in the future. There are just some people that don't really do thank you notes or teach their children to write them. I agree it's rude, but I wouldn't try to teach them by withholding the gift next year.

mysticl · July 2014

monkeysip said:

I completely agree it's rude not to receive a thank you, but I'd probably let it go. Of course, you're never obligated to give the child a gift again, but if you're relatively close to him/his parents, then I would just continue giving the gifts you want to give, and maybe you'll get a thank you in the future. There are just some people that don't really do thank you notes or teach their children to write them. I agree it's rude, but I wouldn't try to teach them by withholding the gift next year.

And it wouldn't work. They aren't going to think "Auntie and Uncle didn't send Johnny a gift because we didn't send a note last year". Instead Johnny is going to be hurt that his aunt and uncle forgot his birthday.

csuave · July 2014

I have the same kind of situation. I continue to send gifts to niece and nephews because I know they appreciate them (when I am in town to witness the open they always say thank you and are gracious). The fact that their parents are not enforcing TY etiquette is imo not something I would make change my behavior. If the kids acted like complete brats about gifting that would be another story.

Sometimes close family is more relaxed about etiquette. I tell myself that and try not to get worked up about the lack of TYs.

As for the cash request I personally wouldn't get worked up about that either since once again we are talking close family. It doesn't bother me when a close family member requests cash towards something once in awhile. I gave nephew cash one year and when I was at his small family birthday party he got some other cash gifts too. He had asked for a DS and his parents told him he could use his birthday money to buy it (knowing some relatives usually give cash). Personally I think he will better understand the value of this expensive gift from having bought it with his own money. I wasn't requested to give cash in this case and I don't know that anyone else was either.

There have been times (at least once) when I was actually asked by close family for cash. When my brother was a teenager he had to buy new tires for his car. He asked everyone for cash at Christmas to help him buy the tires. Everyone gave him the cash. I didn't have a problem with it and I don't think anyone else did because cash is a common gift in my family and we wanted to get him what he needed. I can't remember him ever asking for cash again after that so it is not like he did this every year either.

Jen4948 · July 2014

I've given gifts and not received thank-you notes before.

It can be annoying, but getting an acknowledgement is not why I give gifts. I give them in the hope that I've given the recipient some amount of pleasure. Maybe they don't like the gift. That's okay.

If you don't want to give gifts in the future because the ones that you've previously given were not acknowledged, that's fine too. But if you give gifts with the expectation of a thank-you note, I think you'll be setting yourself up for disappointments that turn into self-fulfilling prophesies.

As rude as it is for people not to acknowledge gifts, if they're not your children then it's not your job to teach them etiquette. Let it go.

7651arty · July 2014

Thanks, ladies. I think we'll put in a call to his parents to see if they received his gift and say, "just wanted to make sure since we haven't heard from nephew."
I think the thing that bothers is most is that the older brother (10) always asks to Skype us to say thank you for his gifts. I think I'm probably being harder on the kid because he's a brat in general.

MairePoppy · July 2014

If the older brother is thoughtful and thanks you for his gifts, the parents taught him something. Give the six year old a chance to mature. If the thoughtless behavior continues past 10, send him a gift of boxed cards and colorful pens and stickers, along with a small gift and a note of your own saying that you look forward to hearing from him.

When my nephews were young, I had no clue on what to buy them for Christmas or birthdays. When asked, my SIL sometimes would say they were saving up to buy X. I didn't think that was horrible, after all, I had asked the question.

indianaalum · July 2014

I am in the same boat. I have sent about 10 or so gifts over the last couple of years to my nephew. Not once did I get any type of acknowledgement that it was received. I could care less of a thank you card at that age, but at least tell me you received the gift i send in the mail...I wish the parents would text me. facebook me. I dont care, just let me know you even GOT it. I get where it is frustrating (and extremely RUDE). but it also feels so wrong to punish a little kids whose fault it is not, so I keep sending them.

I am cool with cash as long as I know it goes to where it is intended. I once had a friend who kept all gives of cash/ check the kids received for any holiday. The kids never saw it. Her argument was "well, I buy them everything they need, so it balances out"....never gave that family cash ever again

lilacck28 · July 2014

Just want to say... I am SO happy that my family gave me cash gifts as a kid. I didn't really appreciate it at the time, but my parents put that money into a savings account for me. And now I have a teeny tiny nest egg/ buffer.

Also, sometimes lives get crazy. Mom thinks dad had you call and thank Aunt Berty, while dad thinks mom had you call and thank Aunt Berty. And you were doing homework and thinking about legos and just plain forgot.

Just call up the parents to make sure they got the gift, and move on.

jenajjthr · July 2014

There aren't that many $400 dollar Lego sets out there and the ones that are are not really meant for a 6 year old. I know because I'm married to a Legomaniac and bought him a $400 dollar set for Christmas. This sounds more like a set that mom or dad really want and its an excuse for them to get it. I don't know if I would call and see if they got the gift, you know they got it. Nor would I not send a gift next year, that punishes the child, not the parent. But I also wouldn't be sending as big as gifts from here on out either. I may mention to the parents that you wish you could have skyped with the child to know how he liked the gift since you have done that with older sibling to maybe hint at a thank you, but that is about it.

mysticl · July 2014

indianaalum said:

I am in the same boat. I have sent about 10 or so gifts over the last couple of years to my nephew. Not once did I get any type of acknowledgement that it was received. I could care less of a thank you card at that age, but at least tell me you received the gift i send in the mail...I wish the parents would text me. facebook me. I dont care, just let me know you even GOT it. I get where it is frustrating (and extremely RUDE). but it also feels so wrong to punish a little kids whose fault it is not, so I keep sending them.

I am cool with cash as long as I know it goes to where it is intended. I once had a friend who kept all gives of cash/ check the kids received for any holiday. The kids never saw it. Her argument was "well, I buy them everything they need, so it balances out"....never gave that family cash ever again

I have a relative that I give the kids gift cards because I don't trust the parents not to pocket any cash.

pinkshorts27 · July 2014

I can understand not wanting to give cash. As a six year old cash wouldn't have meant much to me and some people don't like giving cash, that is okay. My aunts were all teachers so I always got books for gifts and I loved it. I live that each of them had a thoughtful note on the inside cover. I don't live near my extended family and my aunt is sick, so I treasure being able to read the notes and the books were great for encouraging my interest in school and reading.

7651arty · July 2014

Thanks, all. I contacted the mother, who finally let us know that they received the gift. No thank you, so whatever. I appreciate all of your advice!

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

7651arty said:

Thanks, all. I contacted the mother, who finally let us know that they received the gift. No thank you, so whatever. I appreciate all of your advice!

SITB
If it's any consolation, I know how you feel. My shower gift to my boss was brought without the card, and the gift itself had no indication of who it was from. When I told her after the fact that I found the card sitting on my floor and which gift was mine, she simply said "Thanks for telling me! We had a couple mystery gifts and yours was one of them lol" and that was it. Thanks for telling me which gift is yours, no thanks for the actual gift and certainly no thank you card ever arrived but, this is a woman 2 decades older than your nephew. Oh well.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

We don't do TY notes in our family. We just don't. I think I did for graduation, but not for anything else ever. So, I'm going to 'bring it back'. I'm going to be a TY note machine. My cousin has been known to randomly gift me items off my amazon wishlist (once a book he liked, once a tea kettle), and I've never sent a TY note. So, I'm going to start with the notes and see if I can't make it contagious. Because the same thing happened to me last year for Christmas. I sent gifts to two sets of cousins, one was at least acknowledged as being received, but neither sent a TY note.

So, my suggestion is to start the trend within the family, see if it doesn't catch on.

7651arty · July 2014

Adk19, I LOVE your attitude! You, my dear, are a gem! This kid and his parents kill me- every other person in the family (even his 10 yr old brother!) make a point to acknowledge a gift, and send a note, or, at the very least, a phone call with a heartfelt, verbal thank you. Either way, I love that you're taking the initiative to send notes within your family. I guarantee the recipients of your notes will think so highly of you, and hopefully it will be contagious

Not Even an Acknowledgment? NWR

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