Wedding Vow Advice

Nymeru · July 2014

I have some questions for those of you who wrote your own vows:

Did you let your FI see your vows ahead of time?
Did you work on your vows together?
Did you set any guidelines for each other?
How long (time-wise) were your vows?
What important points did you include in your vows?

I've never been the best at expressing emotions. I can talk all the day long, but will clam up when it comes to serious stuff. My FI, on the other hand, could seriously be a shrink. That said, he in no way wants any sort of limitations on our vows (similar length, etc.). He doesn't want to know what I'm going to say, which is fine, because I don't want to know what his vows say until the ceremony. However, I'm a little afraid of disappointing him/seeming inadequate when it comes to my vows. I've truly said everything I want to say, the best way I know how in my vows, but I don't think that they'll at all compare to his. I already know he's going to blow my efforts out of the water. It's going to be all I can do to hold it together to say what I've already planned, however, should I be trying to expand my vows so that my FI and our families have more of a "show" of my sincerity? I feel that the ceremony isn't about showmanship; it's about the two of us and our relationship. I just want to make sure that both of us feel good about our ceremony at the end.

How did you guys make it all work?

RebeccaFlower · July 2014

Take me with a grain of salt, since we did traditional vows and that is my preference but I have seen many vows written and these are my two cents.

1) Don't make it a joke. No one cares if you make french toast on Saturdays or won't steal the sheets.

2) I knew a couple who wrote their own vows, but they both repeated the same thing. I was disappointed when the groom recited the same thing. However, I saw another wedding they did their own paragraph or so, but then repeated the same last line which I thought pulled it together nicely.

3) As for being disappointing, the worst thing you can do is write your vows under some sort of expectation. If they are from the heart and say what you want, they will be perfect. No need for any 'show.'

Good luck!

wmam35 · July 2014

Since I would imagine your FI knows that you are not good at expressing yourself with things like this, I'm sure whatever you write will be very special. My husband is terrible at communicating his feelings, so when he writes anything in a card that is more than "I love you", it means the world to me. I imagine the same would be true for your FI with your vows! I think as long as they're truthful and you show you're taking them seriously, that's what is important. And I agree with PP, please don't try to put jokes in there. Most people won't get them and it takes away from the seriousness of the vows. Good luck!

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · July 2014

You vows should 'match'. As in, if one writes a serious tone, the other shouldn't joke. The tone should at least be the same.

I don't express myself well either. Im scared about writing vows

daria24 · July 2014

We each wrote our own vows. We did not see each other's beforehand, nor did we set any parameters. They ended up being similar in length and concept. I think they were about a minute each.

I was stressed out like crazy about it. H wrote his like two weeks before the wedding, I was writing mine the night before. I really thought his were going to be amazing and mine would be crap. In the end we each thought the other person's vows were perfect, and we got tons of compliments.

The main thing to keep in mind are what are the PROMISES you want to make to him? And say that in your own words. Talk like you do every day, that is much more meaningful than flowery language.

afox007 · July 2014

I agree with PP that they should match somewhat. My uncle who is officiating has requested if we decide to write our own vows that we give them to him ahead of time so he can make sure they work together and are appropriate. You could try something like that so you don't know what each other said, but someone can offer feedback.

Ven&Radio · July 2014

We did our vows question-and-answer style. So the officiant would ask "Do you <whatever>?" and we would answer "We do." It helped keep the ceremony short and prevented us from having to speak much (I hate talking in front of a group!). I primarily wrote the ceremony and vows myself, but H was involved in the process, too.

I agree with the suggestion that if you're each writing your own, the "tone" should match. I also think it's nice when both people make similar vows/promises, but in their own words. Having a neutral third party, like the officiant, read both sets over and offering feedback on them is also a good idea if you want to keep them private before the actual ceremony.

thisismynickname2 · July 2014

Can I ask why you're writing your own if you're apparently uncomfortable about measuring up?

I toyed with the idea of custom vows but we decided to use some suggested passages from our officiant instead.

melbenso · July 2014

DH and I wrote our own vows. We didn't show them to each other beforehand. (My choice, I wanted it to be a surprise).

Your vows should say whatever you want them to. I read part of a poem and then had some more traditional vow-like statements and promises. DH talked about all the difficult things I had been there for him through and how much he loved me. They didn't match. They were us.

I was also worried about writing my own vows, mostly because I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. I wrote them a few months before the wedding and then would go back to them every once in a while to make some changes.

We did send copies to our minister a week or two before the ceremony, but that was just so he could print them out for us, so we didn't have to worry about carrying them up to the altar.

Time wise, each of our vows took 2-3 minutes. DH's written vows were about a page and a half double spaced paragraph style. Mine fit on one page, including the poem. You will read them faster at the ceremony then you do practicing. I would caution against having vows that are longer than a couple of minutes.

And make sure you practice them beforehand.

In the end, I am very glad we wrote our own vows. And our guests seemed to have liked them too. A number of people asked our parents if they could get copies of them.

edit spelling

iloveotters2014 · July 2014

I totally did it the wrong way. I kept putting it off and ended up writing them the night before the wedding....I know it's a big no no, but it ended up helping me so much in not overthinking it. I only spent about 30 minutes or so on them and really just let it spill out of me.

It helped to make a quick outline first. Other than that I just did it on the fly.

I was worried they were going to suck but people still 2 months later said they also cried during my vows haha.

The only thing I will say that sucked was I dont remember much of my husbands vows because he went first and I was so nervous for my own vows. I made him read them again to me later that night haha

Maggie0829 · July 2014

I pretty much wrote our vows from bits and pieces I found online. I then gave them to H to look over and see if he wanted to make any changes. The only thing that I really wanted to include was something about him (and vice versa) being my best friend, because even as sappy as it sounds, we really are each other's best friend. But I do agree with whoever said to not be funny/silly.

Cookie Pusher · July 2014

Our vows ended up being a combination of things. We did a handfasting, so there were vows/promises incorporated in that which we agreed to together. Then we each took about 30-40 seconds each to say a few words before we exchanged rings. We wrote the second part separately from each other, 2 days before the wedding. The only thing we discussed was whether we were going to be serious or silly (we decided on serious).

Jen4948 · July 2014

Two rules of thumb I would suggest:

1) You need to make real promises to each other, so don't just recite about how in love you are with him. Make promises you truly intend to keep.

2) Don't try to be funny, silly, or "cute." It can be off-putting, your officiant may not be okay with it, the "humor" is usually "insider humor" that a very limited number of people even get, and it often just falls flat and doesn't accomplish whatever you're trying to accomplish. Save the humor for your reception.

mrs4everhart · July 2014

We just had this conversation the other day, and although neither of us wants to hear the other's in advance, I'm sure there will be more conversations to come before they're said.

Some of the parameters we set were:

Yes, parts can be light hearted, even funny because that's just us, but it's not open comedy night up there.

We will try to figure out the length of each other's so they are complimentary to one and other's and no in is left looking like we're giving a rambling speech or a quick two second spiel.

These are serious promises, again, light hearted in parts is okay but we can save the stupid stuff about making pancakes or whatever as a bargaining chip for deciding who has to poop scoop the yard next.

Finally, neither of us are openly gushy, lovey dove, overly sensitive types who would like to pour our hearts and souls out using impassioned speech making everyone uncomfortable around us.

As you can imagine with these "simple" ground rules we're both tripping over ourselves to start writing ;-)

Simply Fated · July 2014

I haven't written vows, either, but can I just throw in my opinion real quick?
I agree with pp when she said it isn't open mic night. It's one thing to keep the vows light hearted, it's another thing to perform a comedy routine. The point of vows are to, well, make promises to each other that you intend to keep forever. The point of vows is not to make an audience laugh.
In no way shape or form am I saying you were intending to do this, OP, but a lot of brides who have come on here asking about this sort of vow writing thing have gotten very defensive when they mentioned how they intend to use the time to tell jokes in their vows.

That's all I had to add. I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful.

sunshyney · July 2014

We are writing our own vows. He wanted to, and I felt that since this is one of the few things that he's insisting on for the wedding, we should do it. Even though I hate writing and public speaking. He's so good with flowery language, he wrote me these beautiful love letters when we started dating, so I know he's going to be good, and that makes me even more nervous. So he agreed to a length cap so that I wouldn't feel like I needed to write a whole monologue, and also because he tends to keep going and going when no one is there to stop him. We're not going to show each other the vows, but we will show the officiant (they asked to see them too, I think just to make sure we're not writing something that goes against their church beliefs, like Satan worshipping or something, ha ha) I looked up a bunch of vows on the Internet for examples and wrote them from the heart. I think it'll be good.

Marzipan13 · July 2014

Just reading this stresses me out. I distinctly remember FI & I turning to each other at one point during our planning and saying "Thank God we're Catholic and don't need to write our own vows."

But seriously, I agree with PPs - it doesn't need to be all doom and gloom, but don't make it too hokey either. I'd stick to maybe a paragraph, maybe a para & a half?

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

I'm not planning on writing my own vows. . . well actually we can't recite our own vows since we are getting married in the Catholic church, but as a guest to a ton of weddings here are my 2 pieces of advice:

1. Don't be too funny or too sentimental. Just be sincere.
2. Don't ramble on and on. Just keep it short and to the point.

Inkdancer · July 2014

My only suggestion is this: for pete's sake, don't make them rhyme.

misshart00 · July 2014

This may just be me, but I hate vows where they're just long love letters and the only promise is "to love you forever."

lizandmark2014 · July 2014

My FI and I talked about this before hand. We decided to write our own. He wanted something short and so did I. He is not as creative ore laquinta with words. We decided I would compose and he would edit. ( I am not great with gramer. )

I composed vows that were one tone. I liked that we merriored each other with the vows and he was ok with it.

As for length they took about 2 min of the entire ceremony time.

Good luck. And ask what your FI cares about.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

misshart00 said:
This may just be me, but I hate vows where they're just long love letters and the only promise is "to love you forever."

Me too! They are too saccharine and personal, and it feels like you are eavesdropping on something that should be totally private.

Jen4948 · July 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

This may just be me, but I hate vows where they're just long love letters and the only promise is "to love you forever."
Me too! They are too saccharine and personal, and it feels like you are eavesdropping on something that should be totally private.

Me three. They're just so intimate that I feel very uncomfortable listening to them because they come off like verbal PDA.

SapphireCounselor · July 2014

I second other posters. Just be yourself and write what you feel. Who cares if it doesn't rival Shakespeare?

My DH and I compromised. We did the traditional vows, but also wrote a personal message that we read before exchanging the rings.

jnrsgirl · July 2014

We wrote / are writing our own vows. FI and I will not read or hear each others vows until our wedding day. We had no set guidelines or requirements. My vows are fairly short. Just a simple paragraph for me.

I think in writing vows it is important to just write what comes naturally. Don't try to go by a set standard or worry about what others will think of your writing skills. Its a promise you are making to the person you love and adore and absolutely cannot wait to spend the rest of your life with!

ETA spelling

[Deleted User] · July 2014

My only piece of advice is to make sure your vows are actually vows and not simply expressions of love and/or stories from your relationship. Vow: a solemn promise or assertion; specifically: one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition.

saacjw · July 2014

Marzipan13 said:

Just reading this stresses me out. I distinctly remember FI & I turning to each other at one point during our planning and saying "Thank God we're Catholic and don't need to write our own vows."

But seriously, I agree with PPs - it doesn't need to be all doom and gloom, but don't make it too hokey either. I'd stick to maybe a paragraph, maybe a para & a half?

True facts, I had the same thought, replace Catholic with Episcopalian.

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