FMIL Vent/Question/Advice

kimberly0315 · July 2014

I apologise for the lengthy post. Here's a bit of the background first... My FI and I are from two different continents (I'm from the USA and he is from NZ). We currently live in NZ but have decided to have a DW in Hawaii because it is the most central point (and we think it would be a kick ass place to get married). My parents are paying for 99% of the wedding and FI and I are paying for the rest. FMIL is not happy at all about our choice to marry in HI and to have a smallish (30-40 people) wedding. She wants us to get married here, which we are not. She told me it was rude to get married in HI because all of the family and friends should be invited (that's the brief version). She told me that we mine as well go back to the USA because no one except her, her husband and FFIL will be there from my FI side. I told her that we did have good friends from NZ that would be attending and that WE wanted to get married in HI. And some of his family has said they are planning to come. I reminded her that not all of my family and friends will be able to come to HI, but unfortunately that was a compromise we would make. When you live on opposite sides of the world you have to make compromises.

First FMIL told me we could have two weddings. I said NO. I want one wedding and that's it. So she has told us we need to have the wedding video taped (FI told her it would be around $600 for the wedding only if she wanted to pay). She said we need to have a party in NZ to celebrate with people here. We should show the video, I should wear my dress and we should basically do our vows again. FI and I both agree on NO!!! We will have ONE amazing wedding. I told FMIL if she wanted to have a BBQ to celebrate that would be fine. But I'm not sending out invites or hosting this. We are already planning the wedding of our dreams. We are fine with just having our wedding and reception in Hawaii.

I feel like if this is something she wants, she can host. Am I wrong? I feel you have ONE wedding and ONE reception. That's it. My family understands that we will not return to the USA for another party. Any thoughts or advice on this? Besides keep telling her we will not be having two weddings.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

kimberlyw939 said:

I apologise for the lengthy post. Here's a bit of the background first... My FI and I are from two different continents (I'm from the USA and he is from NZ). We currently live in NZ but have decided to have a DW in Hawaii because it is the most central point (and we think it would be a kick ass place to get married). My parents are paying for 99% of the wedding and FI and I are paying for the rest. FMIL is not happy at all about our choice to marry in HI and to have a smallish (30-40 people) wedding. She wants us to get married here, which we are not. She told me it was rude to get married in HI because all of the family and friends should be invited (that's the brief version). She told me that we mine as well go back to the USA because no one except her, her husband and FFIL will be there from my FI side. I told her that we did have good friends from NZ that would be attending and that WE wanted to get married in HI. And some of his family has said they are planning to come. I reminded her that not all of my family and friends will be able to come to HI, but unfortunately that was a compromise we would make. When you live on opposite sides of the world you have to make compromises.
First FMIL told me we could have two weddings. I said NO. I want one wedding and that's it. So she has told us we need to have the wedding video taped (FI told her it would be around $600 for the wedding only if she wanted to pay). She said we need to have a party in NZ to celebrate with people here. We should show the video, I should wear my dress and we should basically do our vows again. FI and I both agree on NO!!! We will have ONE amazing wedding. I told FMIL if she wanted to have a BBQ to celebrate that would be fine. But I'm not sending out invites or hosting this. We are already planning the wedding of our dreams. We are fine with just having our wedding and reception in Hawaii.
I feel like if this is something she wants, she can host. Am I wrong? I feel you have ONE wedding and ONE reception. That's it. My family understands that we will not return to the USA for another party. Any thoughts or advice on this? Besides keep telling her we will not be having two weddings.

Good job standing firm! You are not wrong. If she wants a NZ party, she can have one. FI should be the one telling her no, rather than you, of course, as otherwise it's 100% your fault.

RebeccaB88 · July 2014

Absolutely not wrong at all! You do only get one wedding, period. Unless you divorce him in between, of course. Stand your ground and die on that hill! There is nothing wrong with your plans at all. She just wants things her way. Don't let her get that. This is your wedding, not hers.

And if she wants to have the celebratory party where she is after, that's fine. Just like you said, nothing re-created from the wedding. Have plenty of food, drink, friends, family, dancing if you want, cake even if you want (no cutting). Just let her throw a great party and don't do anything else. And if she tries to force you do to those things at the party, then you can decline the entire party.

kimberly0315 · July 2014

Thanks a lot. FI has expressed all of this to her. She just seems to only talk to me about it. I am lucky though, FI has no problems addressing these issues with her. I think it just stresses me out.

Jen4948 · July 2014

From now on just tell her that the subject of your wedding is closed whenever she brings it up. Good for you for standing firm.

RebeccaFlower · July 2014

You are totally on track! Good for you.

I would not be letting that woman host anything for me because then you're giving her free reign and based on your post, I assume it wouldn't be something you would enjoy.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

Another "good job" comment from me. Stand firm about this.

If she wants to pay for the ceremony video and show it to her friends and family who can't attend, that's nice. If she wants to host a BBQ and show the video, sure. But it's absolutely not your obligation to do any of this to make her happy.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

If FMIL won't leave YOU alone, keep deflecting her back to FI. "I'll speak with FI about this idea and I will have him get back to you about it." "I thought FI already spoke to you about this issue. If he didn't I'll have him give you a call back." And if she won't drop it all together stop engaging her about the wedding at all. "FMIL, I'm sorry our wedding is not what you imagined. But this is the wedding that FI and I want to have, so please stop trying to get us to change our plans. So how is the weather in NZ?"

kimberly0315 · July 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

If FMIL won't leave YOU alone, keep deflecting her back to FI. "I'll speak with FI about this idea and I will have him get back to you about it." "I thought FI already spoke to you about this issue. If he didn't I'll have him give you a call back." And if she won't drop it all together stop engaging her about the wedding at all. "FMIL, I'm sorry our wedding is not what you imagined. But this is the wedding that FI and I want to have, so please stop trying to get us to change our plans. So how is the weather in NZ?"

Thanks for all of your support and answers. I will continue to stand my ground and let FI handle it.

Right now it's winter in NZ. I live in Auckland and it's rainy and cold, but doesn't freeze. I prefer the south island in the winter. It's cold and snowy, but beautiful. I love NZ summer. There are amazing beaches (black and white sand) and we like to sail, so it's perfect.

Nymeru · July 2014

If she does decide to hold a party for you when you get back, please, please, please don't show the wedding video and recreate the whole thing. My best friend's mom did that. My best friend had a DW in Scotland, and only about 20 of us were there. Then two weeks later her mom threw a PPD, where (unknown to everyone that she had planned this) she played the wedding video and tried to make all of us wear our bridal stuff again, hired a minister, etc.. Some of the family liked it, but it was awkward for most of the other guests. My friend went along with it because she liked the attention, but it was really weird.

kimberly0315 · July 2014

@Nymeru We most definitely will not be recreating the reception. As I stated above,we will have one wedding, that includes one reception. I won't have any bridesmaids there (one lives in the USA and the other in the UK) so it would be me in my wedding dress which is not happening. I have made my idea of the entire thing extremely clear, which would be a casual BBQ and that's it. When she said something about us doing vows again I just shuttered at the thought. My FI will deal with it when it comes time.

Although she asked me if I wanted the guest list for this party when I asked her for an address for our actual STD. I didn't even reply to that. There is no way I'm inviting people and throwing a party. We are throwing our party in Maui. So I'm hoping once she realises that we are not hosting this she will let it go. Either way, my FI can deal with it. :-)

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

kimberlyw939 said:

OliveOilsMom said:

If FMIL won't leave YOU alone, keep deflecting her back to FI. "I'll speak with FI about this idea and I will have him get back to you about it." "I thought FI already spoke to you about this issue. If he didn't I'll have him give you a call back." And if she won't drop it all together stop engaging her about the wedding at all. "FMIL, I'm sorry our wedding is not what you imagined. But this is the wedding that FI and I want to have, so please stop trying to get us to change our plans. So how is the weather in NZ?"

Thanks for all of your support and answers. I will continue to stand my ground and let FI handle it.

Right now it's winter in NZ. I live in Auckland and it's rainy and cold, but doesn't freeze. I prefer the south island in the winter. It's cold and snowy, but beautiful. I love NZ summer. There are amazing beaches (black and white sand) and we like to sail, so it's perfect.

Hey OP..... OliveOil wasn't asking YOU how the weather was in NZ, she was suggesting that you ask your FMIL that question as a way of changing the subject from wedding talk

However, that right there is the very act of bean-dipping: changing the subject and getting the person to talk about something else. Look how good it worked here! Practice on your FMIL lol

kimberly0315 · July 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

kimberlyw939 said:

OliveOilsMom said:

If FMIL won't leave YOU alone, keep deflecting her back to FI. "I'll speak with FI about this idea and I will have him get back to you about it." "I thought FI already spoke to you about this issue. If he didn't I'll have him give you a call back." And if she won't drop it all together stop engaging her about the wedding at all. "FMIL, I'm sorry our wedding is not what you imagined. But this is the wedding that FI and I want to have, so please stop trying to get us to change our plans. So how is the weather in NZ?"

Thanks for all of your support and answers. I will continue to stand my ground and let FI handle it.

Right now it's winter in NZ. I live in Auckland and it's rainy and cold, but doesn't freeze. I prefer the south island in the winter. It's cold and snowy, but beautiful. I love NZ summer. There are amazing beaches (black and white sand) and we like to sail, so it's perfect.

Hey OP..... OliveOil wasn't asking YOU how the weather was in NZ, she was suggesting that you ask your FMIL that question as a way of changing the subject from wedding talk

However, that right there is the very act of bean-dipping: changing the subject and getting the person to talk about something else. Look how good it worked here! Practice on your FMIL lol

Haha. Yep, just realised that. :-)

Anyone living here would never ask about the weather, totally didn't realise it was a "pass the bean dip". I forgot most of you live in North America.

Any it did work perfectly on here!

wandajune6 · July 2014

Good job! You stood your ground. That's also going to be a good precedent for the future!

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