NWR: Sexual identity question

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

I just ran into a parenting issue tonight. My 13 year old daughter asked me if I'd mind if she preferred girls. I told her I'd love her no matter what and as long as she found someone who loved her and was good to her I didn't care what gender that person was.

My question though is this: how old were you when you knew what gender you preferred? At 13 I get she's just figuring out who she is, I'm just not sure at 13 I knew I liked boys, I just did. I did a lot of questioning later in my teens, I'm just not sure I handled this right.

Kind of a heavy topic I suppose.... kids!

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

I'm pretty sure I knew I liked boys when I was 5, 6, or 7 years old. I think 13 is more than old enough to know what sex you prefer.

I don't really understand your sentence: "I'm not sure at 13 I knew I liked boys, I just did". Exactly, you just did. But then you said you did questioning in your teens? Not to be blunt, but are you heterosexual? I think a lot of people experiment in their late teens, early 20s.

Was your daughter asking a hypothetical question?

VulgarGirl · July 2014

First, yes you handled it perfectly fine. You told her you loved her regardless of who she loves and just want her to be happy. That's perfect.

Now second, I came out at 13. No I think I like girls business. Just flat out I'm a lesbian. I knew I just did. I knew way before that but didn't know the right label to apply and hadn't started my journey to self acceptance yet. But at 13 I knew I was a lesbian.

FI was 16 when she officially came out but says she really started understanding her sexuality around 12.

I've also known people to not really understand or accept their sexuality until they were in their 30s or 40s. Everyone is different. I know plenty of people (my youngest brother included) who don't use any labels and just date whomever strikes their fancy. It's very different for each person.

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

MagicInk said:

First, yes you handled it perfectly fine. You told her you loved her regardless of who she loves and just want her to be happy. That's perfect. Now second, I came out at 13. No I think I like girls business. Just flat out I'm a lesbian. I knew I just did. I knew way before that but didn't know the right label to apply and hadn't started my journey to self acceptance yet. But at 13 I knew I was a lesbian. FI was 16 when she officially came out but says she really started understanding her sexuality around 12. I've also known people to not really understand or accept their sexuality until they were in their 30s or 40s. Everyone is different. I know plenty of people (my youngest brother included) who don't use any labels and just date whomever strikes their fancy. It's very different for each person.

I was about to page you for your thoughts on this question! It's like you read my mind

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

Ok, thank you

I've always told her she can come to me with anything but I know this was pretty hard for her to say. This wasn't a complete shock, she had a really tough year. Grades all over the place, markedly depressed for awhile. .. I knew something was going on but just wasn't sure what. That she was struggling with this would definitely explain a lot.

Ok good, so I didn't mess up. I really do love that kid, and I honestly don't care what gender the person is who makes her happy, I just want her to be happy with herself and her life.

Thank you

QueerFemme · July 2014

I didn't know I was queer at 13, bit I did know that I didn't understand why my friends were so friggin boy crazy. I couldn't figure out what the big deal was. So I do think 13 iis certainly old enough to start wondering. And I think your answer was perfectly fine.

QueerFemme · July 2014

Ps. Your comment about you not questioning whether you liked boys, you just did ... you didn't question it because it's what you knew, and what you were conditioned to see as normal and expected.

Almost all queer kids question because they don't want to be weird or seen as abnormal. Even if they are SUPER sure they are gay, most question themselves or deny it for a long time.

Straight kids don't have to question, because being straight and having a crush or first love is super cute, expected and celebrated. Queer kids have to come out first and risk being shut out from friends and family and their relationships are rarely celebrated. So they stress themselves out for a long time before admitting their crushes.

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

huskypuppy14 said:
I'm pretty sure I knew I liked boys when I was 5, 6, or 7 years old. I think 13 is more than old enough to know what sex you prefer.

I don't really understand your sentence: "I'm not sure at 13 I knew I liked boys, I just did". Exactly, you just did. But then you said you did questioning in your teens? Not to be blunt, but are you heterosexual? I think a lot of people experiment in their late teens, early 20s.

Was your daughter asking a hypothetical question?

Yeah sorry, I know I phrased that weirdly. What I meant was, at 13 all I remember was having a "crush" on a boy because that's what you did, or at least that's what my group did. I don't really think I even liked the kid, and in retrospect he was kind of a jerk.

In my late teens though I had a huge crush on a woman. It wasn't physical, but it was emotional and really had me soul searching for awhile. It's always been more about who the person is for me and very little to do with their gender. (I hope I'm making sense here it's almost 2am!)

So yes, I identify myself as heterosexual but I think is more fluid than that (at least for me)

Edit: spelling is hard

JennyColada · July 2014

My parents always had the same stance: We don't care if you love girls or boys or no one, just be happy!

I like that my parents didn't just encourage me to find A partner (of either gender), but that they also put out that even if I don't need or want a partner that that's ok too. I feel like that's important as well: so many people that I know seem pushed into marriage or babies by their parents and I think that's really sad. I've always appreciated that my parents never gave me that pressure.

As for sexuality: I remember being interested in boys in elementary school. I tend to be more on the straight side of bisexual on the Kinsey scale (as in, I'm not NOT interested in girls, but I'm also not actively interested in them as my preferred partner). I remember this from a young age as well (I was never really the "oh gross, kissing a girl would be icky!" type of mindset, probably due to the above parents not actively discouraging it).

doeydo · July 2014

I was always attracted to both genders. I didn't "come out" though until I was in high school. So, yeah, I think at 13 I was aware that I was bi.

banana468 · July 2014

I always knew I liked boys even when I was younger.

My brother said that he came to the realization one night when he was about 15 that he was gay. He just didn't tell me for another 5 years.

hikebikebemerry · July 2014

Everyone is different.

When I was younger, I felt so uncomfortable because I wasn't sexually attracted to ANYBODY until I was 16 or 17. I was the only one of my friends who wasn't boy crazy, and I thought there was something wrong with me because of that.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · July 2014

I wasn't bi, but I saw the beauty in girls more than my friends did. I appreciated the female form. I wondered if that meant I was sexually attracted to them, but as I got to my later teenage years I found that wasn't the case. I just really appreciate how pretty girls are on an aesthetic level, but I'm sexually attracted to men. Once I had that realization I was like "Oh! I get it! There was a bit of confusion there but I understand now."

I think it is great that your daughter felt comfortable enough to approach you and have a discussion. And thank you for reassuring her that you love her for her. I think the age of 13 was when I started wondering about my sexuality as well. My parents never tried to sway me to a side, or actively discourage anything. They just let me be me

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

Thanks so much all

She said she wasn't worried if be mad or upset, she was afraid I'd blow it off as being "just a stage", and to be honest the thought did occur to me, which is why I posted here. I did and do take it seriously, because no matter what it's very serious to her. After reading through all of your replies though, I'm extra glad I took it that way.

wandajune6 · July 2014

I never have a moment's thought to my sexuality growing up. I wasn't terribly interested in boys or girls until college. College was boys and the assumption of being straight. Falling in love with a lesbian after college was a bit of a surprise.

Since then, I've learned that I have a preference towards men but am open to anyone. I've never given myself a label because none feel right or even necessary.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

I always had schoolgirl crushes on little boys, for as long as I remember. In middle school I definitely was attracted to boys (and kissing them, too) so I was pretty sure, pretty early. But as QF said, I didn't have a moment like, "I must be straight! Aha!" because that is just what is expected in our society. Both of my parents were very open and encouraging about whomever I might choose to date, regardless of the gender. But I'm about as straight as they come.

LDay2014 · July 2014

Personally, I'm a fan of the Kinsey Scale....1-6 of completely heterosexual to completely homosexual.

I'm right in the middle, while I can be attracted to women and have sexual experiences with them (FI and I do fairly regularly since we're swingers) but I don't have any desire to have a relationship with a woman.

There's such a vast variety of sexual preferences, pleasures, kinks, etc that I've learned not to judge anyone for what they're into. Just because it's not my bag doesn't make it wrong...just means it's not my thing.

I wish people could be more open and honest with people about who and what they like without fear of judgement.

RebeccaB88 · July 2014

I'm probably going to ramble here, but I like the perspective I have on this subject. I'm squarely on the straight side of the scale (no sexual attraction to women at all, just objective), but I have friends on all ends of it. I was 13 in 1983, and at that time, being gay was something that was whispered and wondered about you, not something you talked about. Everyone was firmly in the closet, single people had a lot of 'roommates', and the view of gay people was pretty much just Freddie Mercury-Frankie Goes to Hollywood-Charles Nelson Reilly-illegal gay porn type things. It was scandalous and shameful. And, the AIDS epidemic was just starting to come about, and no one knew where it came from, why, how, etc, but since the first cases were mainly among gay men having unprotected sex, it was unfairly labeled as 'the gay disease'. I saw the mass hysteria (and denial) and the discrimination surrounding it. That didn't help the cause at all, drove more people farther into the closet, and propelled the spread of disease. Awful.

As we all (science and all) learned more about AIDS, and the psychology of sexuality, and began to realize that change had to happen and was going to whether we did anything about it or not, things started to change. People started taking a stand for themselves, saying 'this is who I am, accept it or suck it'. We learned that being gay or bi or transgender was normal and healthy and wasn't going to kill anyone or screw them up, that it was the attitudes towards that that was going to cause problems. (At least, most people learned that...others prefer the dark ages.) So I've almost watched the progression from the dark ages to the ages becoming lighter and lighter over the last 30 years, and it's awesome. We're all different, but the hole in the ground we end up in eventually is all the same size.

I still remember when my first friend came out to me, in college (Maybe 1989, 1990.). He'd been dealing with a lot of depression, drinking a lot. I knew something was up but didn't know what. When he told me he had something to tell me that he needed to do in person, I thought it was a health problem or something. So when he did, I was really surprised for a second or two, but then I realized he was the same person he always was, just with a new label slapped on. (Labels that shouldn't be there, but then they were.) I just told him he was my friend and I loved him, and that I'd get used to it. And I have. He and his husband live in SF now.

My cousin came out a couple years ago. She says she honestly didn't know she was gay. She thought she was asexual. No interest in sex or relationships or anything. She'd been with the same guy for almost 10 years and it just wasn't working, even though they loved each other. Just one day she had a 'lightbulb moment' and it clicked. Fortunately, we all love her and it wasn't as hard for her to come out to most people as she thought, although most of the extended family doesn't know yet. There are some that wouldn't understand. She lives with her girlfriend on the east coast.

I have a friend who's mom knew he was gay before he turned 4. He says he knew not long after that. We had a family friend who wasn't able to really come out of the closet until he was well into his 70s, when his family and partner were all gone and he had no one else, and when the social climate was comfortable for him. He said he always knew he was gay. I high school friend and I had promised back then that if we both turned 40 and were still single, we'd get married. When I found him on facebook a year or so after he turned 40, I decided not to ask him to dump his boyfriend for me. That would be rude, lol.

I loved your response, OP. As long as she know you love her and accept her regardless of where she ends up, or who, she will feel far more comfortable with exploring the subject and talking to you about it. And as long as you teach her how to protect herself from the wrong kind of people, that she has a safe haven to come to in you, how to explore sexually safely, and that first sexual experiences can bring up emotions we never knew we could feel, then she should be just fine.

jenajjthr · July 2014

I knew I liked girls at the age of 8 or 9. I knew that was different from my friends, but as others have said I didn't know there was a label for it. As I grew older I realized I also liked boys as well. Today I identify as bisexual. I am more on the heterosexual side as I am married to a man and I am the monogamous type.

OP you did the awesome thing by letting your daughter know you accept her for who she is. I didn't know that about my mom. I knew she was very religious and very conservative and hid this part of me. I never came out as a teenager, never even dreamed of dating another woman because of the fear of what my family would say. At the age of 40 I found out my mom would have accepted that about me and would have welcomed anybody I brought home. Maybe this came with her age and wisdom. If your daughter has it with you now, it will take away a lot of the problems that come with not knowing that I faced.

Inkdancer · July 2014

I didn't understand that my crushes on girls were crushes until I hit college, but they definitely started earlier than that.

You handled it great. I hope she figures things out and doesn't have to deal with a lot of crap about it.

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

Thanks

We've had a quiet family day. Haven't talked about things at all but she's definitely a happier more relaxed kiddo.

KytchynWitche · July 2014

You handled it pretty perfectly. All any child wants is to know that they're loved.

I knew very early, probably before I even started school, that I liked boys AND girls. I was raised in quite a strict Catholic family and didn't "come out" to my mother until I was in college because I was afraid of what her reaction might be. It actually wasn't until my younger brother came out that I said anything.

She accepted us both immediately. There was no rejection, no judgement, not even a momentary "how should I deal with this" on her part. Of course, I didn't find out until a couple of years later that my mom's only living sister is lesbian and that my mom had known for decades.

I think, because my mom was so open to us being whoever we are, and so open with us about anything we wanted to know, we have fewer "issues" than friends of ours who are also gay/lesbian/bi or anything else.

My dad, on the other hand, is a jerk who refuses to accept that my brother is gay. Just flat-out refuses to believe it. Despite having met my brother's ex (when they were still dating) he constantly asks whether my brother's got a girlfriend yet, is always putting pressure on him to find a nice girl, and because of that their relationship is always going to be strained at best. At worst, well... they've gone months without saying a word to each other.

I also have friends who thought at 13-16 that maybe they liked girls (possibly because I was at an all girls school) but realised by the time they'd left school that they are completely straight. It happens. Puberty is the age of change, discovery, and experimentation.

I'd say the most important thing is to keep loving your daughter, keep the channels of communication open, and just be there for her as she figures out who she is.

climbingsingle · July 2014

I just want to say that I think you handled it perfectly!

I don't know that I consider myself bi-sexual. But I am attracted to both men and women. And I knew that from a young age. I can probably blame my Catholic upbringing, but my attraction to girls actually scared me. I remember lying awake and being worried that I was gay. So again, I really think you handled this right and I also think it says a lot that your daughter came to you.

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

Thanks

I'm actually pretty stoked because she and two of her friends have all been going through this together, and they voted that DD should tell me first because I'm the "cool mom". I'm not sure how it will go for the others.

It's been pretty awesome because my DD is so relaxed and happy now, hanging out with me instead of hiding in her room. I love seeing her happy

We have a close family friend who went through this at a young age also, and I got DD's permission to set up a conversation there, too. I recognize I'm not going to be able to relate to all she's dealing with, and I think it's good to have someone safe to talk to that's been there (and isn't Mom)

VulgarGirl · July 2014

I just wanted to quickly suggest you look into your local chapter of PFLAG. All of my parents are members, and it was big help to my mom and dad when I first came out. They'd never raised a gay kid before.

ETA: It could also be a great resource for your daughter, as they might know of LGBTQ youth groups she could get involved with. As like...an intro into the community. And a sense of oh hey it's not just me this is totally normal cool.

JaniV123 · July 2014

I have never come out as bi to my family nor have I had a relationship with a girl but I have felt attracted and I am more attracted to "sensitive" or somewhat"Femenine" men and women in general. I think you handled this the right way. I never used labels in elementary or middle school because I didn't know what they were. MY uncles are gay and I have grown up with them being partners all my life. It was totally normal for me to accept love of either gender combination.

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

I just wanted to say thanks to all who responded. I've taken some time to start absorbing this, spent some time talking to my daughter (who used words I've never heard of that had me running for a dictionary lol), bought some books, researched on the net... I think I was in shock for a few days but I'm dealing. I'm have absolutely no problem with her dating someone of either gender as long as that person loves her and is good to her (once she's old enough to date at all that is, I don't think she's there yet). My worry is about how she'll get treated by other kids. I told her if anyone gives her a hard time to talk to me and we'll figure out they're how to handle it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, Internet Strangers

april&amanda · July 2014

I remember being a freshman in high school when it hit me. I was 14 years old and I was in the rest room at school and me and my friends were all putting on make up and I look them and said out loud " I like girls" They looked at me like shocked and said "okay cool" I am 28 now and I going to marry the love of my life. It was a struggle for me because I was young and did not understand how I was feeling and what I loved at the time. I better understood entirely when I was 19. Everyone is different of course.

I think you handled it well. My biggest fear was my parents rejection. A week before my mom passed I told her I was gay. I was 21 at the time and she said April I always knew. Just being supportive of what they choose is an amazing thing. I am so happy to hear that. She might go through phases and be confused but in the end just be there for her. She will go through a lot but its always easier with a parent by your side!

NWR: Sexual identity question

Re: NWR: Sexual identity question

Choose Another Board

Search Boards