Wedding Etiquette Forum

Actually, You're Not Invited...

Brides I desperately need your help! 

So here is my situation, my fiancé's step-cousin has basically assumed she and her husband are invited to our wedding. Now, we like them a lot, I've only met them twice and my fiancé didn't grow up being close with her or anything, but they are both very nice and we would love to be able to invite them. The problem is my fiancé has a lot of cousins on his step-dad's side and originally we were only doing his step-uncles and aunts - not their children because there are too many to invite. We can't invite the one couple that has already assumed they're invited without inviting like 20 more people and we can't really do that. How do I tell her that unfortunately we can't invite her and her husband? I'm horrible with confrontation and would like to ignore the whole thing and just let them figure it our when they don't get an invite, but I'm positive that would start bigger issues. Please help! 

Re: Actually, You're Not Invited...

  • Brides I desperately need your help! 

    So here is my situation, my fiancé's step-cousin has basically assumed she and her husband are invited to our wedding. Now, we like them a lot, I've only met them twice and my fiancé didn't grow up being close with her or anything, but they are both very nice and we would love to be able to invite them. The problem is my fiancé has a lot of cousins on his step-dad's side and originally we were only doing his step-uncles and aunts - not their children because there are too many to invite. We can't invite the one couple that has already assumed they're invited without inviting like 20 more people and we can't really do that. How do I tell her that unfortunately we can't invite her and her husband? I'm horrible with confrontation and would like to ignore the whole thing and just let them figure it our when they don't get an invite, but I'm positive that would start bigger issues. Please help! 
    Let her bring it up; I wouldn't introduce the issue. I'd just say "X, we are unable to extend an invitation to you and your husband to our wedding." You don't need to apologize or give excuses / reasons. Hopefully she will be gracious.
  • You don't tell them. If they bring it up say "unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone we wanted". Just leave it at that and bean dip if they push the situation.
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  • You don't need to have any confrontation. In fact, it would be rude to overtly say "you are not invited" without being prompted. You should practice saying this phrase now "Unfortunately, we couldn't possibly invite everyone we wanted. (Insert subject change here: How about that local sports team?isn't this cafe cute? Do you have any plans for X holiday? How are little Jimmy's piano lessons? etc)" and just keep repeating it. Don't offer any excuses or be overly apologetic. They are the rude ones if they keep trying to finagle an invitation. 

    You will be surprised at who will say things like "I'm invited, right?" which if you panic and say "of course" means that you will now have to invite them. So if you practice this phrase it will be your go to, default mode, and you won't be stuck with extra and awkward invites.
  • @erollis

    Sorry I may be kinda dumb-ish ... but what does " bean dip" if they push the situation mean? Totally curious. .  sounds like I need that in my arsenal . . lol j/k . . sorta. 

    @FutureMrsToal
    I agree with all of the PPs you should be ready for plenty of people to assume they are invited, and have a back up response for when those convos happen . . 

    I have been using a very close variation of erollis' response. 

    All of it really sucks and makes you feel like crap sometimes. But you need to realize that it really is the truth, not every bride can invite every person they would genuinely like to have attend their wedding. 

    I could think of a 300 person guest list - but that's simply not what we can make happen. 
  • "Bean dipping" means changing the subject, as in:

    "I'm looking forward to attending your wedding."
    "Sadly, we couldn't invite everyone we would have liked. Would you like some bean dip?"
  • It's ok to invite just one step-cousin, if that's what you want to do. Don't feel obligated to invite them all if you're not friendly with others. Also, what PP said about bean dip.
  • thank you @Jen4948! :) 
    Love it! lol 
  • Thanks for all the help everyone! 
  • It's ok to invite just one step-cousin, if that's what you want to do. Don't feel obligated to invite them all if you're not friendly with others. Also, what PP said about bean dip.
    I was thinking late last night why can't we just invite the one step-cousin! I never spoke more then 5 words to any of the other cousins and most of them I've never even met. My fiancé says the last time he even remembers being in their company was when he was around 12! So why should anyone be offended if we invite the one cousin we feel closer to? To me this seems logical, but I know my future MIL will not see it this way. 
  • Is FMIL paying? If not, not her call.
  • Is FMIL paying? If not, not her call.
    They're helping pay for the photographer, but as far the ceremony and reception costs - that's all my parents. 
  • It's ok to invite just one step-cousin, if that's what you want to do. Don't feel obligated to invite them all if you're not friendly with others. Also, what PP said about bean dip.
    I was thinking late last night why can't we just invite the one step-cousin! I never spoke more then 5 words to any of the other cousins and most of them I've never even met. My fiancé says the last time he even remembers being in their company was when he was around 12! So why should anyone be offended if we invite the one cousin we feel closer to? To me this seems logical, but I know my future MIL will not see it this way. 
    You definitely can. I'm only inviting 3 of my step-cousins/families, plus their parents (my step-mom's sister/BIL) and grandmother (step-mom's mother). There are some others I've met a time or two, but I've spent a lot of time with this particular branch of the family tree. Heck, one of my actual blood-related cousins isn't invited because I haven't seen her in 15 years. Invite the people you're close to.

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  • I understand the theory of inviting in circles, but when your circles are 20 people big, I think it's okay to think smaller.  Now, if you wanted to invite 15 of the 20, I'd probably just suck it up and invite the last 5.  But if you only want to invite 2 of the 20 because you're genuinely friends, I don't think that should be a problem.  You can 'bean dip' with the FMIL if it comes up that only one of the step-cousins is invited.  Bean dip works both ways.
  • If he hasn't seen them in over a decade and barely knows them . . I would say no. 

    Believe me, I know your FMIL will not understand. But this is your wedding, not her family reunion. 
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