I feel alone and overwhelmed

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

So my fiance and I are in town for the holiday and to do wedding stuff. I had a fitting, cake tasting, look at the ceremony site and talk with our officiant. Yesterday my fiance got mad because our cake tasting is scheduled for 11am and he refuses to go. He says it's too early and now I'm going by myself. I'm actually really upset about this and he doesn't understand. Am I overreacting? I also left my wallet in my bookbag back at our home so I have no id and no money to pay for my fitting yesterday. I politely asked if I could take money out of savings to pay for my alterations and I would deposit the money right back once we got home and he flipped. He didn't want to drop me off in the first place(maid of honor was mia) and even though he took out some for stupid fire works, it was as if I had committed a crime. He's just been in a bad mood all weekend. He hasn't really been involved with planning and the wedding is next month. I've called venues, planned, addressed envelopes, stamped them, lined them, glued, taped, tied and stuffed 100 envelopes by myself. Which took forever. He travels for work and it's understandable, but us being away from everyone, I've felt like I've done everything by myself. I'm also in grad school so it's been super stressful. I was expecting my maid of honor yesterday and she didn't show nor tell me she decided to not show. My sister stepped up to plan so I'm having a late bridal shower the first week in August and I have no idea what's going in with the bachlorette party. No one asked for addresses, numbers, people I want to invite. I'm not expecting anyone to do anything for me so I've been laid back and done most myself, but it would be nice for someone to ask me if I need help or help when they said that they would. I'm venting and all over the place.....sry.

Ven&Radio · July 2014

I feel like there are alot of red flags in your post. Your FI doesn't sound like he's supportive or treats you like an equal. He sounds like a childish, self-important ass. Unless he worked an overnight shift before the 11am cake tasting, that's a perfectly reasonable time. And the stuff about dropping you off and paying for your fitting... why is it a big deal that you'd need to pay for this out of a joint account? And why would you need to replenish it from your account later? The wedding is for both of you.

kerbohl · July 2014

I second the red flags about your FI not being supportive. Is there something else that he is going through right now that would account for his behaviour, or is he always like this? If he is, something has to change!

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · July 2014

My cake tasting was at 10am in another town. FI was all like "Ooooo! Breakfast!" It's never too early for cake. Does your FI do this often? He sounds....controlling.

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

My fiance doesn't handle stress well. So when he's stressed out about wedding stuff he either bitches and moans or withdraws. He uses work and an excuse for not being able to complete tasks and then I end up taking over. I'm just tired and fed up. His mood has gotten better and he apologized after he realized how much he hurt me by being insensitive, but the behavior does needs to change.

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

Yes, he can be controlling and I know where he gets it from. We've talked about it as its been a theme in our relationship and he has been working on it. He has a lot of personal issues that he's working on and some of them has made it ways into out relationship. He's become aware and he's working on it, but it will take time I guess.

decembergrl2014 · July 2014

I don't understand why you had to ask to take money put of savings? If it's a joint account then it's your money too. I can understand giving him a heads up so he in the loop, but the fact that you had to ASK is worrisome to me.

AzAnnie · July 2014

I see red flags too. Please consider counseling before you get married. My ex husband was very much like your Fi and it did not get better after marriage it got much worse.

zitiqueen · July 2014

missy5290 said:

So my fiance and I are in town for the holiday and to do wedding stuff. I had a fitting, cake tasting, look at the ceremony site and talk with our officiant. Yesterday my fiance got mad because our cake tasting is scheduled for 11am and he refuses to go. He says it's too early and now I'm going by myself. I'm actually really upset about this and he doesn't understand. Am I overreacting? I also left my wallet in my bookbag back at our home so I have no id and no money to pay for my fitting yesterday. I politely asked if I could take money out of savings to pay for my alterations and I would deposit the money right back once we got home and he flipped. He didn't want to drop me off in the first place(maid of honor was mia) and even though he took out some for stupid fire works, it was as if I had committed a crime. He's just been in a bad mood all weekend. He hasn't really been involved with planning and the wedding is next month. I've called venues, planned, addressed envelopes, stamped them, lined them, glued, taped, tied and stuffed 100 envelopes by myself. Which took forever. He travels for work and it's understandable, but us being away from everyone, I've felt like I've done everything by myself. I'm also in grad school so it's been super stressful. I was expecting my maid of honor yesterday and she didn't show nor tell me she decided to not show. My sister stepped up to plan so I'm having a late bridal shower the first week in August and I have no idea what's going in with the bachlorette party. No one asked for addresses, numbers, people I want to invite. I'm not expecting anyone to do anything for me so I've been laid back and done most myself, but it would be nice for someone to ask me if I need help or help when they said that they would. I'm venting and all over the place.....sry.

missy5290 said:

Yes, he can be controlling and I know where he gets it from. We've talked about it as its been a theme in our relationship and he has been working on it. He has a lot of personal issues that he's working on and some of them has made it ways into out relationship. He's become aware and he's working on it, but it will take time I guess.

Why don't you wait for him to finish "working on" his controlling issues to get married? Or are you thinking he'll magically change into a non-controlling, supportive, wonderful husband once you slide that ring on his finger?

Seriously, you have much bigger problems than having to go on a cake tasting by yourself.

7651arty · July 2014

His behaviors are beyond worrisome. Using work as an excuse to not complete tasks means he is a selfish, lazy asshole. Just can't have cake at a particular hour... Seriously? Needing to ask to use your own money? Pissed to drop you off for your fitting? He IS controlling you, and this will NOT get better over time...but it will get worse.

Truly think about it- do you think he'll randomly wake up one morning and stop making excuses for his irresponsibility? That he'll ever be ok with you moving YOUR money around because your debit card is at home? How many other events does he freak about because it's not during his preferred time of day?

Do you know anyone else with a controlling personality like his? Did they ever suddenly decide to, and then successfully alter their personalities?

Over the course of your relationship, have his negative behaviors gotten better or worse? After your engagement, did they get better or worse? What does "working on his issues" mean....therapy?

What do you want? To leave? To stay? To stay only if he changes?

From knowing someone who has been in your exact position....

-MOVE YOUR MONEY TO AN ACCT HE DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO. Do NOT let him know your plans prior to this. He WILL clean out the acct and leave you with nothing.

-Therapy for yourself. If he doesn't like you going, tell him she specializes in stress mgmt and ...maybe you want to deal with wedding stress in a healthy way.

If you want to leave, ask a few family members and good friends to help you, and then confide in a good friend, sister, or therapist.

ohannabelle · July 2014

7651arty said:

His behaviors are beyond worrisome. Using work as an excuse to not complete tasks means he is a selfish, lazy asshole. Just can't have cake at a particular hour... Seriously? Needing to ask to use your own money? Pissed to drop you off for your fitting? He IS controlling you, and this will NOT get better over time...but it will get worse. Truly think about it- do you think he'll randomly wake up one morning and stop making excuses for his irresponsibility? That he'll ever be ok with you moving YOUR money around because your debit card is at home? How many other events does he freak about because it's not during his preferred time of day? Do you know anyone else with a controlling personality like his? Did they ever suddenly decide to, and then successfully alter their personalities? Over the course of your relationship, have his negative behaviors gotten better or worse? After your engagement, did they get better or worse? What does "working on his issues" mean....therapy? What do you want? To leave? To stay? To stay only if he changes? From knowing someone who has been in your exact position.... -MOVE YOUR MONEY TO AN ACCT HE DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO. Do NOT let him know your plans prior to this. He WILL clean out the acct and leave you with nothing. -Therapy for yourself. If he doesn't like you going, tell him she specializes in stress mgmt and ...maybe you want to deal with wedding stress in a healthy way. If you want to leave, ask a few family members and good friends to help you, and then confide in a good friend, sister, or therapist.

I cannot stress enough that everything 7651arty says above is true. Controllers never have enough control, and the more they have, the more they want. They rarely get help, because they can't stand the thought of letting a therapist or counselor have input. That would mean they were relinquishing control.

There are not just red flags in your post, there are red banners with the word "DANGER" on them, being carried by a parade of dancing bears with air horns and sirens.

(All of this worries me, deeply, so please forgive me if I go into uber Mom mode, and speak to you honestly.)

Love is not a word. It's a behavior.

Apologies are not just words. They are a genuine act of never repeating crappy behavior.

You are not being treated with love. If these behaviors are ongoing, the apologies are empty, and meaningless.

This should be one of the happiest times of your life. You know that, in your heart. You sound like an intelligent young woman.

You are not even overreacting. He is minimizing and trivializing his selfish and unkind behavior with excuses (work, stress, this is how I grew up, whatever) and you're accepting those excuses at the cost of your own happiness.

It's not "just" missing cake testing. It's letting you down, it's disappointing you, and it's hurting you. It's a blatant disregard for your feelings. It's contempt for your happiness. I would be seriously distressed if someone were treating my daughter like this.

Please think very carefully about this. What he says (what anyone says) is meaningless. Words are only symbols for meaning and action. How we behave, what we do, how we treat the people who love us, is what ultimately has authentic meaning. That is truth.

Your feelings are valid, and should be treated with respect and love. That's the job he's applying for, as your partner.

He's not looking good on the pre employment screening. Please be careful with your heart. They are fragile things, and deserve care.

7651arty · July 2014

Amen, ohannabelle, amen.

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

I didn't realize I had so many replies. We each have our own account and we started our own wedding account. We each put money in the account when we get a chance and when one of us takes it out we have to let each other know. The reason I asked is because we each have our own atm card and I left my wallet back in Michigan in my book bag, since we left for Chicago right after class and since I didn't have my license I needed him to take me to the ATM and use his atm card to get money out of the account.

He is just a high stung person, his whole family is, it just how he grew up. He has gotten alot better since we've been together and its something that we bother work on. I've introduced him to relaxing techniques, yoga, and hes gone to therapy. Lately hes been more controlling than usual and when hes being a jerk we sit down and talk about it, but the cake tasting was the cherry on the cake or whatever. He finally told me what was going on on Sunday on our way back home. Hes been overlooked at work for being hired direct and the people on his team(who hes trained) have been hired in and he's still contract. Hes been there for 2 yrs and because everyone else is getting hired in, hes taking it personal and bringing it home. Money has been an issue since hes still contract and I'm part time worker/full time student, so that been on his mind as well. Like I said he doesn't handle stress well. He doesn't know how to leave his work at work and be present at home. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I guess Im trying to explain why hes being funky lately. To be honest he was actually less high strung before he took this job.

We've been to counseling and our communication is good(except when something is going on at work). Also, to clarify, as far as issues hes working on, is assertiveness at work and things going on with his job. I do feel lonely and like I'm doing this alone and I wish he wasn't gone so much, but I cant do anything about it. Traveling 3/wks out of the month sucks especially when all my friends and family are in a different state and I'm by myself and left to do all the work.

I feel alone and overwhelmed

Re: I feel alone and overwhelmed

Choose Another Board

Search Boards