Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who shoud be picked for bridesmaids?

 I've changed the names of the people in this post to prevent embarrassment. 

My Mother-in-law came over to my house, and told my newly engaged daughter, Sara, "You have to ask Julia to be a bridesmaid in your wedding, because she is your only girl cousin.  My daughter had already picked out who she wanted as her bridesmaids.  My mother-in-law didn't care.  My daughter is not that close to Julia because Julia had caused some heartbreaking problems for Sara's sister, Beth.  My mother-in-law has always played favorites towards Julia, even though she has both Sara and Beth as her other 2 granddaughter's.  When I began to speak up, during the discussion, (after all, this was my house) my Mother-in-law told me to be quiet.  I then tried to speak again.  My mother-in-law said "I told you to be quiet!"  She didn't care, and demanded that Sara have Julia as one of her bridesmaids.  Sara was floored that her grandmother would do this to her.  I don't know what to do! 

Is my Mother-in-law right in doing this, or is she out of line in her demand?  It's not my Mother-in-laws wedding, it's Sara's wedding!



Re: Who shoud be picked for bridesmaids?

  • Bridesmaids should be the brides nearest and dearest.  Some people decide to include siblings or their SOs siblings more on family and gesture than actual closeness, but that is still be the bride's call, not her grandmothers.

    Your daughter should pick the women she wants standing up with her, not who grandma thinks "has to pick" b/c that's BS.
  • I recommend this for you and your daughter.
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    And a healthy dose of this for your MIL
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    Anniversary
  • edited July 2014
    Your MIL needs to butt the fuck out. It's none of her business who your daughter chooses to be in her wedding.
  • Your MIL is 100% out of line, and had zero right to speak to you and your daughter that way, especially in your own home.  Her son needs to have a serious come to Jesus conversation with her immediately and she owes you one huge apology.  I can't imagine why you didn't tell her to leave as soon as she said that.
  • Wow, your MIL sounds like a peach. I would've kick her ass out of my house for speaking to me that way! Tell your daughter to ignore her. No one but the bride gets to decide who stands next to her on her wedding day.


  • Tell MIL to shove it.
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  • Bad, bad MIL.
  • edited July 2014
  • Sure.

    1) It's not up to your MIL who the bridesmaids are at any wedding other than her own.
    2) Your MIL was incredibly rude to march into your house and tell you to be quiet.  She owed you not only the respect one adult owes another, but the respect of a guest to a homeowner.  That was sooooo inappropriate you would have been within your rights to throw her out on her ass where she belonged.
    3) Let your daughter make her own decision about who the bridesmaids are (and for that matter all other decisions she's entitled to make) and if your MIL wants to bitch about it again, show your daughter that you have her back by throwing your MIL out on her ass or leaving the area ASAP.
  •  I've changed the names of the people in this post to prevent embarrassment. 

    My Mother-in-law came over to my house, and told my newly engaged daughter, Sara, "You have to ask Julia to be a bridesmaid in your wedding, because she is your only girl cousin.  My daughter had already picked out who she wanted as her bridesmaids.  My mother-in-law didn't care.  My daughter is not that close to Julia because Julia had caused some heartbreaking problems for Sara's sister, Beth.  My mother-in-law has always played favorites towards Julia, even though both Sara and Beth are her first born granddaughter's.  When I began to speak up, during the discussion, (after all, this was my house) my Mother-in-law told me to be quiet.  I then tried to speak again.  My mother-in-law said "I told you to be quiet!"  She didn't care, and demanded that Sara have Julia as one of her bridesmaids.  Sara was floored that her grandmother would do this to her.  I don't know what to do! 

    Is my Mother-in-law right in doing this, or is she out of line in her demand?  It's not my Mother-in-laws wedding, it's Sara's wedding!

    What in the ever-living fuck does birth order have to do with anything? Your MIL is a bitch, but you were out of line with that comment. Your daughter gets to choose her own bridesmaids and should have her grandmother's support in that decision regardless of whether she was born first or last. 

    Sincerely,
    The third-born granddaughter.

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  • edited July 2014

    I'm so sorry for this possible misunderstanding.  I guess I should have worded it differently. I wasn't implying that birth order had anything to do with it.  I'm just very hurt that my mother-in-law would treat her granddaughter this way. She has never treated all three of her granddaughters with equal attention.  My own mother has always treated each of her granddaughters equally fair.  I want to always do the same when I have grandchildren, treat each one fairly and with respect.  Again, I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding. 

  • If both Sara and Beth are your daughters and "the oldest," are they twins?
  • No!  They are not twins.

  • edited July 2014

    No!  They are not twins. I wasn't trying to place an emphasis on birth order. 

  • No!  They are not twins. I wasn't trying to place an emphasis on birth order. 

    I think OP meant they are both the oldest daughter in their respective immediate families.  The two girls are cousins.  This is not really relevant info, but I guess it rules out that Grandma is playing favorites based on birth order since it is the same.

    And OP, your MIL needs to butt out.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I'm so sorry for this possible misunderstanding.  I guess I should have worded it differently. I wasn't implying that birth order had anything to do with it.  I'm just very hurt that my mother-in-law would treat her granddaughter this way. She has never treated all three of her granddaughters with equal attention.  My own mother has always treated each of her granddaughters equally fair.  I want to always do the same when I have grandchildren, treat each one fairly and with respect.  Again, I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding. 

    I'd also be very hurt your MIL talks to YOU that way, her attitude towards both you and your daughter are beyond unacceptable.  If someone said "I told you to be quiet!" to me in my own home they'd better either be clearly joking or thinking they just heard an intruder.  Seriously, MIL or not they'd be out the door.
  •  I've changed the names of the people in this post to prevent embarrassment. 

    My Mother-in-law came over to my house, and told my newly engaged daughter, Sara, "You have to ask Julia to be a bridesmaid in your wedding, because she is your only girl cousin.  My daughter had already picked out who she wanted as her bridesmaids.  My mother-in-law didn't care.  My daughter is not that close to Julia because Julia had caused some heartbreaking problems for Sara's sister, Beth.  My mother-in-law has always played favorites towards Julia, even though both Sara and Beth are her first born granddaughter's.  When I began to speak up, during the discussion, (after all, this was my house) my Mother-in-law told me to be quiet.  I then tried to speak again.  My mother-in-law said "I told you to be quiet!"  She didn't care, and demanded that Sara have Julia as one of her bridesmaids.  Sara was floored that her grandmother would do this to her.  I don't know what to do! 

    Is my Mother-in-law right in doing this, or is she out of line in her demand?  It's not my Mother-in-laws wedding, it's Sara's wedding!

    What in the ever-living fuck does birth order have to do with anything? Your MIL is a bitch, but you were out of line with that comment. Your daughter gets to choose her own bridesmaids and should have her grandmother's support in that decision regardless of whether she was born first or last. 

    Sincerely,
    The third-born granddaughter.



    STUCK IN BOX

    I'm the first born in my family, the only daughter, and the only granddaughter (though the third grandchild) on my mom's side.  As a first born, I still find comments about birth order to be weird (well, I understand the tradition of it, but it was a clearly flawed tradition that is fairly antiquated). And, OP, it's great that you apologized but... I still don't understand why you mentioned it at all? I was actually pretty taken aback when I read that. Anyway, your MIL is awful. Horrible. Tell your daughter not to worry about her crazy grandmother. 
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