Starting to not even care

AdrianaR04 · July 2014

Ok, so I got engaged last July and we decided to hold off on planning anything until the new year because we were moving across the country and were stressed out enough as it was. January came and I got into serious wedding mode. I was researching the shit out of venues and slowly but surely getting overwhelmed with all the options. We finally looked at some venues in June and were able to narrow things down but I can't help but not even want to get married anymore. My fiance isn't good at planning and doesn't understand that we need to get things done and that every little thing counts. The few times he has helped out, it's been days, sometimes weeks, after I've asked him to (which stresses me out even more and is the reason why I just take everything on myself). He's admitted that nothing would be getting done without me and has voiced his frustration with speaking to people and getting the runaround. You would think that would make him realize that I need a ton more help, but no. For a while, we were doing weekly meetings but it was mostly me coming to him with the stuff I found. One day we got into an argument and he said that I'm not making this process "fun".... because you know, this is just a ton of fun doing it alone. It drives me up the wall! He recently asked what he could do to help and I told him to look at menus within the next couple days so we could make a decision but I'm not sure if that will actually happen. Finally, I don't know how and I don't know why but we somehow made the budget around $10,000 and I honestly don't know where we plan on getting that money. We haven't discussed everything with parents yet (and I'm pretty sure we're not getting anything from his Dad and Step-mom) so... that'll be fun? Also, I always find it funny when he tries to suggest things like "Oh, lets get in contact with a cab company or rent shuttles and see if we can book them out for a night" because THAT won't be expensive. Rookie move, newbie. Rookie move. I wish I didn't care and just wanted to elope. Moreso, I wish he actually really cared or didn't care at all instead of saying that he doesn't care but still really wants his opinion to count. UGH!

WildMagelet · July 2014

AdrianaR04 said:

Ok, so I got engaged last July and we decided to hold off on planning anything until the new year because we were moving across the country and were stressed out enough as it was. January came and I got into serious wedding mode. I was researching the shit out of venues and slowly but surely getting overwhelmed with all the options. We finally looked at some venues in June and were able to narrow things down but I can't help but not even want to get married anymore. My fiance isn't good at planning and doesn't understand that we need to get things done and that every little thing counts. The few times he has helped out, it's been days, sometimes weeks, after I've asked him to (which stresses me out even more and is the reason why I just take everything on myself). He's admitted that nothing would be getting done without me and has voiced his frustration with speaking to people and getting the runaround. You would think that would make him realize that I need a ton more help, but no. For a while, we were doing weekly meetings but it was mostly me coming to him with the stuff I found. One day we got into an argument and he said that I'm not making this process "fun".... because you know, this is just a ton of fun doing it alone. It drives me up the wall! He recently asked what he could do to help and I told him to look at menus within the next couple days so we could make a decision but I'm not sure if that will actually happen. Finally, I don't know how and I don't know why but we somehow made the budget around $10,000 and I honestly don't know where we plan on getting that money. We haven't discussed everything with parents yet (and I'm pretty sure we're not getting anything from his Dad and Step-mom) so... that'll be fun? Also, I always find it funny when he tries to suggest things like "Oh, lets get in contact with a cab company or rent shuttles and see if we can book them out for a night" because THAT won't be expensive. Rookie move, newbie. Rookie move. I wish I didn't care and just wanted to elope. Moreso, I wish he actually really cared or didn't care at all instead of saying that he doesn't care but still really wants his opinion to count. UGH!

Step one: Breathe!

First bolded: The only thing that you need to get married is a bride, a groom, a license and in some states an officiant & witnesses. Everything else is "fluff." Fluff can be awesome and fun, but "all the little things" are really things that Pinterest & the Wedding Industry try to get you to focus and spend $$ on that at the end of the day don't really matter and practically no one will remember.

Second bolded: You (and your fiance) need to set a manageable savings plan to reach your goal and set your date accordingly. Don't go into debt for a party. Don't count on help from anyone unless they OFFER and you have money in hand. It's nobody's responsibility except yours to pay for your "fluff" (see above).

I know it sucks that your FI isn't big into planning. Mine isn't either. Honestly, he's not very good at the "research" portion. I usually will do the research, narrow it down to what I think are a few reasonable choices, explain what our options are, and then we decide together. That way we both get a "final say." Also, don't discount your FI's ideas. He might not know how expensive a cab or a shuttle may be and how that relates to the rest of your budget. He obviously thinks its important or he wouldn't have brought it up. Maybe you can find some middle ground like a hotel block with a shuttle included or at a reduced rate compared to the independent transportation companies.

Bubblegum5586 · July 2014

Most important is budget, so figure that out asap! You can't pick a venue (and a date) without that!

As far as the planning, if your fiance isn't into it, he isn't into it. H didn't have much of an opinion on our wedding, he just wanted to marry me. So however that happened it was fine with him. I asked him at the beginning what aspects did he care about. He said food and music. So he went to those meetings with me. I did everything else myself (sometimes with my mom or sister). I would keep him filled in on the details and he would respond with "ok".

Honestly.. I had fun just planning away! He knew I would plan a wedding that symbolized and celebrated us (meaning no pink, minimal flowers and overall nothing too girly looking).

Lastly... you say your not sure you want to get married anymore, do you mean you are not sure you want to go through the wedding planning process of a big wedding, or not sure you want to marry your fiance anymore? Those are two different things!

*Barbie* · July 2014

you realize this is just planning a party, right?

If the two of you can't manage to plan a party together, how do you plan to work through considerably more difficult issues/decisions that will arise during the course of a marriage? (choosing where to live, managing money, buying a home, having a child, illness, job loss, relocation, major accident/emergency, elder care for family members, etc.)

AdrianaR04 · July 2014

flutterbride2b - I guess my frustration comes more from the fact that I would come to him with options about things and he'd find every little way to poopoo what I found and then not offer a solution. I wasn't trying to discount his ideas but it would just make me so mad since we never actually talked about a budget and then he'd make these extravagant suggestions. In some of these situations, I would tell him to research it if he wanted to because I was exhausted of looking for the week(in some cases, I knew he wouldn't so there was that too).

scribe95 - I definitely agree with you on this.. with that said, we've gone into this since day 1 of trying to keep it as cheap as possible. We had one plan to rent out a park for the ceremony but then he decided that he didn't want to do that because it was a public park and he was afraid there would be too many bums invading (?!). I tried to tell him it would be cheaper that way but no dice. I've always had to manage my money and while I haven't had to do things like pay for college, once I got out - I've made it a point to not accept money from my parents unless absolutely necessary (not often). He has never had to manage his money which is where I think his outlook is coming from.

bubblegum1309 - I know I'll have more fun once we actually settle on a venue because we're saving money in other ways like having our friends band play, having our friend to the photography etc. It's just tough to get him to help decide things with the research since he doesn't care, but he does. Also, definitely to clarify - I DO still want to marry him, I'm just not a fan of the planning process right now! As someone that's already pretty high strung, it can just get upsetting when he refuses to talk to me about it or won't help out when I really need him to.

*Barbie* - I do realize this is just planning a party but you know who doesn't enjoy planning parties? This girl. I never have enjoyed the idea of planning these sort of things or even something as simple as a house party. It has always stressed me out too much. I know you could then say something like "then plan something smaller" but I would reply to that with "but this is supposed to be a BIG day! and I want all of our friends to be there!"
I know that in the end, we can manage to plan this together but it's also funny you bring up the other big life events too because guess who ended up researching and planning our big move last August while working a full time job? ME. He was let go from his job and had all the time in the world and I couldn't get him to actually focus and follow up with people when it came to finding apartments. I already know having a child will be an adjustment for him and we've already talked about not having a joint bank account because that just seems messy to us. Buying a home will be interesting for the both of us. Not so concerned about the other things though.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to get married.. I'm just not excited about the planning aspect!

pinkcow13 · July 2014

If you don't like planning, you can consider hiring a wedding planner. And adjusting your budget to include a planner. Or you can also have a courthouse wedding and go to a nice lunch/dinner with close family and friends after. Or, elope!

AdrianaR04 · July 2014

@pinkcow13, I'm definitely going to get a day of coordinator but a full on coordinator would be way too much. I wish I just wanted a courthouse wedding or to elope but I just have always seen this something more. I have reached that point though where I've just tried to convince myself to do that!

schellzinator · July 2014

*Barbie* - I do realize this is just planning a party but you know who doesn't enjoy planning parties? This girl. I never have enjoyed the idea of planning these sort of things or even something as simple as a house party. It has always stressed me out too much. I know you could then say something like "then plan something smaller" but I would reply to that with "but this is supposed to be a BIG day! and I want all of our friends to be there!"
I know that in the end, we can manage to plan this together but it's also funny you bring up the other big life events too because guess who ended up researching and planning our big move last August while working a full time job? ME. He was let go from his job and had all the time in the world and I couldn't get him to actually focus and follow up with people when it came to finding apartments. I already know having a child will be an adjustment for him and we've already talked about not having a joint bank account because that just seems messy to us. Buying a home will be interesting for the both of us. Not so concerned about the other things though.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to get married.. I'm just not excited about the planning aspect!

It sucks that you are feeling this way! I do want to make sure you consider two things.

1) It is a BIG day - you are marrying your best friend - the person you are spending the rest of your life with. Make sure it is something that you are both comfortable with. Also for budget - brunch weddings tend to be cheaper - or you could do dessert and cocktails at the appropriate time of day! Check out the budget board.

2) Please remember that these qualities of your FI will not change AFTER you get married - in some cases they may get even worse. It sounds like they are causing you frustration now with just planning the wedding. Big Life Events can make or break a relationship - be sure that you discuss these things with him prior to getting married.

*Barbie* · July 2014

AdrianaR04 said:

*Barbie* - I do realize this is just planning a party but you know who doesn't enjoy planning parties? This girl. I never have enjoyed the idea of planning these sort of things or even something as simple as a house party. It has always stressed me out too much. I know you could then say something like "then plan something smaller" but I would reply to that with "but this is supposed to be a BIG day! and I want all of our friends to be there!"
I know that in the end, we can manage to plan this together but it's also funny you bring up the other big life events too because guess who ended up researching and planning our big move last August while working a full time job? ME. He was let go from his job and had all the time in the world and I couldn't get him to actually focus and follow up with people when it came to finding apartments. I already know having a child will be an adjustment for him and we've already talked about not having a joint bank account because that just seems messy to us. Buying a home will be interesting for the both of us. Not so concerned about the other things though.

yes - the absolute common sense answer would be "if you don't like to plan parties, don't plan one." Your FI obviously doesn't give a damn about planning the wedding, otherwise he'd be planning it with you and bringing ideas to the table, and not just reacting to nagging. I say this because my husband is not a planner - I'm usually the one who will research/plan/make reservations/etc. , but when it's important to him, he'll step up and do it himself (e.g. he threw me a surprise birthday party last year, he's booked trips as gifts for me).

You need to sit down with your FI and discuss if the two of you really even want a party - and what scale you're comfortable with. From there, determine a budget - what can you afford/how long will it take you to save, a timeline, and what is the most important thing to each of you. You may come to the conclusion that you want to elope, or that you both want a big wedding /reception - but you need to be able to compromise, and figure out what actions each of you is willing to take to achieve that outcome.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Stop planning for a while. Concentrate on saving money. If you come across something cool, look into it, but don't go looking for it. Maybe your fiance will notice that you stopped planning and ask you about it. If not, just start up again when you're feeling relaxed. Then, one thing at a time.

TamsinA · July 2014

I have done ALL of the planning for our wedding and we're having a very small one (10 people) and there have been times I have wanted to punch him (in a loving way) & I am a planner! Why don't you do a small ceremony, family only and then have a party at a later date say in a restaurant (they can often be cheaper than venues) At the end of the day the important thing is the ceremony and you both committing to each other; as everyone else has said the rest is "fluff" so why put yourself through this? I think you and your fiance need to have a conversation about what kind of wedding you want and why you want it then set a budget and go from there.

Starting to not even care

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