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FI thinks my family is too big!!

So me and FI are going to Michigan next week to do some wedding planning, just looking at venues and meeting an officiant.  We've had a tenative guest list for while,  that way we can figure out our budget and such. Then last night he totally freaked out on me and said that my family was going to be smothering him and his family at the wedding at that I needed to cut people from my list.

 FI's family is significantly smaller than mine,  his family consists of about 30 people on our guest list, his  family friends make up another 10-15.  My family, especially my mom's side is huge they make up about 60 people on my guest list, and I also have a ton of Family friends that I grew up with during different periods of my life that finish off the list.  He's seen the guest list, he's fully aware of the people that we are planning on inviting, the list has existed fro months, and now he suddenly freaks out and says that its ridiculus and that they're going to be smothering his family and on and on and on.

It's not a budget issue, we have enough room in our budget to add more people, and I've told him he's free to put whoever else he wants to on the guest list.  I just don't know what to do all of those people have been a major part of my life, and I feel that he doesn't understand that because his group is so small and since we group up in such different places and our family dynamics are so different. 

 I'm not inviting everybody i know.  People i'm not close with aren't getting invited.  There are a good number of people that i'm not inviting,  theres a lot of people on my dad's side that i'm not close with so they aren't being invited.  But all he sees is the huge amount of people on my side.  And there's no way my family could smother him.  My grandparents are our nearest family and thats a 5 hour drive away.

I guess i'm just really frustrated and this is part vent and part asking for help.

 

 

                                                

 

                                           

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Re: FI thinks my family is too big!!

  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I don't think he's concerned about costs. He's concerned about his family looking small and unrepresented. He's visualizing the sides of the aisle where one is full and one isn't. He's visualizing a reception where one side has more tables than the other. It's really easy to fix these things by taking sides out. Allow people to sit on either side at the ceremony and organize the tables so there isn't a clear separation between sides.

    You can't control how large your family is. If he's inviting cousins, you should invite cousins. They shouldn't not be invited just because there are more of them than of his. No one is going to smother anyone! So long as you respect any customs/wishes of his family while honoring yours no one will feel ganged up on.
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  • Seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. I would suggest he calms down a tad.
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  • Breathe. Your wedding is almost 2 years away. You won't even be sending STDs for another year or so, so I wouldn't let worry too much about this now. 

    It's a good thing - you have lots of time to explore this with him, figure out why he's feeling this way and come up with a solution you both agree on. You'll get there. Maybe he's just having a mini-melt down and you'll go back to the original plan in a couple months.

    On your trip, just don't verbally invite anyone because it sounds like he may want a smaller affair than you originally planned. 
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  • l9il9i member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    Woahhhhh.... a guest list should not be "Well I only have X so you only get X".  What if someone comes from a family of 1 and the other a family of 8? 

    Perhaps FI is stressed about the planning?  I understand as I have a larger family and a lot close family friends as you described.  We plan to not 'force' sides during the ceremony and the tables will not be segregated at the reception.  IMO as a guest I prefer this idea because at the ceremony I want to find the best seat for me, not be stuck in the back because I know the bride or groom better - outdated IMO.

  • I'm sorry, but this is a huge red flag. How exactly is your family going to be smothering him during the wedding? That makes no sense to me at all. 

    If he's already seen the guest list, I find it very troubling that he's now demanding you cut people from your list. 

    FI is inviting way more people than I am. Do I care? Nope. 
  • He's being kind of ridiculous. The size of your respective families is completely out of your control. I do not at all believe that guest lists should be tit for tat, artificially making even sides. FI's family is much larger than mine. Extending the invites to kids slightly made up for that - we invited all of my (6) cousins with their children since they're out of state and I'm close with all of them, while nearly all of FI's (31) cousins live nearby and he's not as close with them or their kids. But it still worked out that he has 81 family members invited and I have 51. 

    If he's worried about appearing to be uneven, just don't arrange your seating that way. Let people sit on whichever side of the aisle they want, and shuffle your reception seating so it doesn't look like the parting of the Red Sea. Don't exclude people you love just because your relatives reproduced more than his.

    The wonderful thing about weddings is once you say "I do," your family IS his family, and vice versa.

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  • My FI feels a little annoyed that my family is so big. Because it means that our friends list is more limited than we'd like. His family is also all local so he feels like they are closer and doesn't understand why I want to invite cousins I only see every other year. Meh, whatever. My family is large and I like them. He can meet them in a month and figure out for himself why I want most of them there.
  • I had a similar situation. We talked and just waited for RSVPs. He hates large crowds.

    His family is about 15. His friends he wanted to attend was about 15. My family that I see at the grocery store is 15. My out of town family I talk to often is 35.

    I assured him not everyone would attend ( off season wedding and on Sunday). I also told him it did not matter if one of us had more guests than the other. They would be attending to love and support the two of us.

    He stopped complaining after a bit and it worked out. We had a decent crowd 90 bodies( babies included) of 200 possibles.
  • It will be ok
  • sounds like he's feeling a little insecure just be kind and patient I think he will get over it.

  • Thanks Everyone!!!! It helps that I know he's probably just nervous about how large my family is, and the fact that he's only met a few of them and he knows from me that they can be rowdy. Hopefully when we go next week, we'll see some of my family and he can calm down a bit once he gets to know them. I know he's also nervous about he fact that my family is closer to where we're planning the wedding and his is on the other side of the country, so I think he's also afraid that when we do send out invites and StDs that they will say that they can't come. Not doing the seating by side is a great idea and hopefully after we go look at venues and such he can put the guest list out of his mind and concentrate on the other stuff like the fact that we're actually looking at places to hold the wedding. If my schedule wasn't crazy busy and we weren't planing from out of state and we weren't getting married on my birthday which always happens to fall on a holiday weekend I would plan nothing until 9 months from the wedding date. You ladies are all very wise, thanks for your input, it helps me to know that my FI is just a little stressed.

                                               

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