Remembering loved one

nicandjas · July 2014

My sister is getting married in a few months (I am MOH). Her fiance's mom passed away many years ago, so she never met her, but his family is not doing anything for him or the wedding to remember/memorialize her. My family feels we should do something but don't want to cross a line. Any ideas on what my family could do for my sister's fiance specifically? I am looking for ideas different than the standard, ie, something on the program, lighting a candle, etc. Or something the MOB could do for fiance?

bethsmiles · July 2014

I think you doing anything at all is absolutely crossing a line. If he and his family don't want anything then you shouldn't do anything. Do you have any idea how upsetting it would be to spring something like that on him or his family members on his wedding day. Not everyone thinks a wedding is a place to memorialize the ones we have lost. I'd be livid if my SO's family did what you are planning. It's completely inappropriate.

MobKaz · July 2014

nicandjas said:

My sister is getting married in a few months (I am MOH). Her fiance's mom passed away many years ago, so she never met her, but his family is not doing anything for him or the wedding to remember/memorialize her. My family feels we should do something but don't want to cross a line. Any ideas on what my family could do for my sister's fiance specifically? I am looking for ideas different than the standard, ie, something on the program, lighting a candle, etc. Or something the MOB could do for fiance?

***SIB***

Your intentions may be good, but this is absolutely not your call to make. It would be disrespectful to go against the wishes of your FI and his family. They have made their decision, and it is not your business to adjust it in any way.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Its their family member and their choice. Anything you do would be crossing the line.

Jen4948 · July 2014

This isn't your decision to make. It's theirs. Don't cross the line by taking it upon yourself to do something without their consent.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

His family, his call. Don't do anything.

Simply Fated · July 2014

Clearly you have good intentions, but I agree with pps that this isn't something you should be doing. If they want to do something, they will. I think it would be great if you helped them execute a memorial they want to do, though. But let them take the lead.

downtondiva · July 2014

It is not your family's place to do something to honor his mom. I'm sure his family has their reasons for deciding not to do anything at the wedding -- it'll be too sad, they don't like that sort of things at weddings, etc. -- and you need to respect that.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

nicandjas said:

My sister is getting married in a few months (I am MOH). Her fiance's mom passed away many years ago, so she never met her, but his family is not doing anything for him or the wedding to remember/memorialize her. My family feels we should do something but don't want to cross a line. Any ideas on what my family could do for my sister's fiance specifically? I am looking for ideas different than the standard, ie, something on the program, lighting a candle, etc. Or something the MOB could do for fiance?

I know exactly how you feel OP. My FIL had passed a few years before I met H. I spoke with H prior to the wedding to see if he wanted to do something to honor his dad. He said he didn't know, but I think he said that because he didn't know HOW to honor his dad. So I did come on TK and saw a few different examples, told him about it and then he spoke with MIL about the options. Together they said what they were comfortable with. We were very subtle, overall. We had a Catholic ceremony, so FIL was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful. There was a mention in the programs in addition to our grandparents. Lastly, there was a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL, but there was no sign to say what the flowers meant - it was more for us knowing what they meant. Some other ways to honor FMIL would be to wear something of hers or pinning it to your dress. Having FI carry a picture of his mom in his pocket. So perhaps offer FI some suggestions, if he still says no, then respect your FI's wishes. It may be too painful for him to see a rememberance to his mom, when she cannot be physically at the ceremony. We even went so far as to put some classic wedding songs on our Do Not Play list, since we didn't want MIL to be upset when certain songs would be played during the reception. So think about how anything that you might do to honor someone, would have the opposite reaction.

MandyMost · July 2014

The most you can and should do here is to suggest different option to your fiance, and let him think about them and decide what if anything he wants to do (perhaps after consulting with his mom).

My father died when I was 17, and I'm planning on putting a line in the programs. Actually, we probably wouldn't even be doing programs except this is one of the only places where I feel comfortable doing anything, and I do want to do something. I'm also going to walk down the aisle to a classic song that reminds me of my dad, but only close friends/family that knew him would know this.

Most other "typical" remembrances make me cringe. The empty chair (often with a flower on it) is the WORST in my opinion. It's like a slap in the face that someone isn't there. A lot of other things, such as a candle, also make me feel the emptyness more than the presence.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Your heart is in the right place, but this is just a bad idea. It's up to his family if they want to do anything like that and it seems that they've decided against it. Let it be.

LMarsh86 · July 2014

I agree with PPs. Your sister should leave it up to her fiance his family. I lost my brother two years ago and I've chosen to honor him in an understated way. I'll be carrying a charm in my bouquet with a picture of us when we were kids that no one else will see, and he'll get a line in the program along with my grandmother who I lost this year. Anything else would be too much for me, and my family. Initially I was worried that our guests might expect that I do "something more," but a wedding is not the appropriate forum to prove how much you miss someone, and everyone who knows me knows how much I do.

Grief is very personal. I would not appreciate someone trying to do anything more to honor him, even though they'd likely be doing it with the best intentions. If they're choosing not to do something for the mother, it's probably because it would be too hard for them to, and their guests should understand that.

MobKaz · July 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

nicandjas said:

My sister is getting married in a few months (I am MOH). Her fiance's mom passed away many years ago, so she never met her, but his family is not doing anything for him or the wedding to remember/memorialize her. My family feels we should do something but don't want to cross a line. Any ideas on what my family could do for my sister's fiance specifically? I am looking for ideas different than the standard, ie, something on the program, lighting a candle, etc. Or something the MOB could do for fiance?
I know exactly how you feel OP. My FIL had passed a few years before I met H. I spoke with H prior to the wedding to see if he wanted to do something to honor his dad. He said he didn't know, but I think he said that because he didn't know HOW to honor his dad. So I did come on TK and saw a few different examples, told him about it and then he spoke with MIL about the options. Together they said what they were comfortable with. We were very subtle, overall. We had a Catholic ceremony, so FIL was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful. There was a mention in the programs in addition to our grandparents. Lastly, there was a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL, but there was no sign to say what the flowers meant - it was more for us knowing what they meant. Some other ways to honor FMIL would be to wear something of hers or pinning it to your dress. Having FI carry a picture of his mom in his pocket. So perhaps offer FI some suggestions, if he still says no, then respect your FI's wishes. It may be too painful for him to see a rememberance to his mom, when she cannot be physically at the ceremony. We even went so far as to put some classic wedding songs on our Do Not Play list, since we didn't want MIL to be upset when certain songs would be played during the reception. So think about how anything that you might do to honor someone, would have the opposite reaction.

I very much appreciate this perspective. It is one I had never considered. @nicandjas, I would consider adjusting my advice as well. Speak with your FI privately and ask him if he would consider any of the more subtle options. However, respect his answer as final once it is given.

bethsmiles · July 2014

MobKaz said:

OliveOilsMom said:

nicandjas said:

My sister is getting married in a few months (I am MOH). Her fiance's mom passed away many years ago, so she never met her, but his family is not doing anything for him or the wedding to remember/memorialize her. My family feels we should do something but don't want to cross a line. Any ideas on what my family could do for my sister's fiance specifically? I am looking for ideas different than the standard, ie, something on the program, lighting a candle, etc. Or something the MOB could do for fiance?
I know exactly how you feel OP. My FIL had passed a few years before I met H. I spoke with H prior to the wedding to see if he wanted to do something to honor his dad. He said he didn't know, but I think he said that because he didn't know HOW to honor his dad. So I did come on TK and saw a few different examples, told him about it and then he spoke with MIL about the options. Together they said what they were comfortable with. We were very subtle, overall. We had a Catholic ceremony, so FIL was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful. There was a mention in the programs in addition to our grandparents. Lastly, there was a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL, but there was no sign to say what the flowers meant - it was more for us knowing what they meant. Some other ways to honor FMIL would be to wear something of hers or pinning it to your dress. Having FI carry a picture of his mom in his pocket. So perhaps offer FI some suggestions, if he still says no, then respect your FI's wishes. It may be too painful for him to see a rememberance to his mom, when she cannot be physically at the ceremony. We even went so far as to put some classic wedding songs on our Do Not Play list, since we didn't want MIL to be upset when certain songs would be played during the reception. So think about how anything that you might do to honor someone, would have the opposite reaction.

I very much appreciate this perspective. It is one I had never considered. @nicandjas, I would consider adjusting my advice as well. Speak with your FI privately and ask him if he would consider any of the more subtle options. However, respect his answer as final once it is given.

She's not getting married, her sister is.

MobKaz · July 2014

bethsmiles said:

MobKaz said:

OliveOilsMom said:

nicandjas said:

My sister is getting married in a few months (I am MOH). Her fiance's mom passed away many years ago, so she never met her, but his family is not doing anything for him or the wedding to remember/memorialize her. My family feels we should do something but don't want to cross a line. Any ideas on what my family could do for my sister's fiance specifically? I am looking for ideas different than the standard, ie, something on the program, lighting a candle, etc. Or something the MOB could do for fiance?
I know exactly how you feel OP. My FIL had passed a few years before I met H. I spoke with H prior to the wedding to see if he wanted to do something to honor his dad. He said he didn't know, but I think he said that because he didn't know HOW to honor his dad. So I did come on TK and saw a few different examples, told him about it and then he spoke with MIL about the options. Together they said what they were comfortable with. We were very subtle, overall. We had a Catholic ceremony, so FIL was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful. There was a mention in the programs in addition to our grandparents. Lastly, there was a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL, but there was no sign to say what the flowers meant - it was more for us knowing what they meant. Some other ways to honor FMIL would be to wear something of hers or pinning it to your dress. Having FI carry a picture of his mom in his pocket. So perhaps offer FI some suggestions, if he still says no, then respect your FI's wishes. It may be too painful for him to see a rememberance to his mom, when she cannot be physically at the ceremony. We even went so far as to put some classic wedding songs on our Do Not Play list, since we didn't want MIL to be upset when certain songs would be played during the reception. So think about how anything that you might do to honor someone, would have the opposite reaction.

I very much appreciate this perspective. It is one I had never considered. @nicandjas, I would consider adjusting my advice as well. Speak with your FI privately and ask him if he would consider any of the more subtle options. However, respect his answer as final once it is given.

She's not getting married, her sister is.

Oops. I saw someone else refer to OP's FI and took a leap.

Now my advice changes slightly again. OP, has your sister even talked to YOU about this?? You are overstepping bounds ATM. IF your sister has spoken to you directly about this issue, then I would suggest you have HER read this thread. If she has not even spoken to you about this issue, then MYOB.

denisemod · July 2014

I too lost my brother about a year ago. The thought of him not spending this special time with us is very sad to me. I want to do something special on my WD but I need for it to be something just for me. I thought about maybe sewing a piece of something of his to my dress or something similar. Anything else would be too much for me. I don't want to get upset. If someone else took it upon themselves to memorize him in any kind of public way I would be very upset.

Please reconsider. While you might think you're doing something nice for this couple you have no idea how they'd react.

AddieCake · July 2014

This is absolutely not your decision to make. It is entirely inappropriate for your family to overstep your bounds and do something here.

nicandjas · July 2014

WOWWWWW To everyone! Of course I have spoken directly with my sister about this. Her FI isn't doing anything because they never doing anything for him at all, including for birthdays, holidays, etc. My family is more of a family to him than his. The wedding is in the town where my sister and her FI live, and his family is in another state. Most of them are not even coming to the wedding. The reason we thought about doing something, like something small and subtle, was so he would feel like some part of his family is there with him that day.

slothiegal · July 2014

nicandjas said:

WOWWWWW To everyone! Of course I have spoken directly with my sister about this. Her FI isn't doing anything because they never doing anything for him at all, including for birthdays, holidays, etc. My family is more of a family to him than his. The wedding is in the town where my sister and her FI live, and his family is in another state. Most of them are not even coming to the wedding. The reason we thought about doing something, like something small and subtle, was so he would feel like some part of his family is there with him that day.

People were simply responding to the information you gave, they had no reason to assume that you had "of course" talked to your sister. I think this needs to be a discussion between your sister and her FI, and them alone. I understanding wanting to do something special for your FBIL, but this is a such a personal, intimate subject. If your family really is that close to him, then he WILL feel like he has family there--his new family. (Apologies for beating the word "family" like a dead horse.)

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

If your FBIL does not want anything at the wedding to honor his deceased mother, then Let It Go! It is not your or your sister's decision to make. Also, having a memorial to FBIL's mom at his wedding, without many of his biological family there, could make him feel even more alone than he possibly does already.

ETA: Changed from father to mother.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

nicandjas said:

WOWWWWW To everyone! Of course I have spoken directly with my sister about this. Her FI isn't doing anything because they never doing anything for him at all, including for birthdays, holidays, etc. My family is more of a family to him than his. The wedding is in the town where my sister and her FI live, and his family is in another state. Most of them are not even coming to the wedding. The reason we thought about doing something, like something small and subtle, was so he would feel like some part of his family is there with him that day.

Stuck In The Damn Box

Maybe they never do anything because they don't want to. Because, for many people, acknowledging the person who has passed is too painful. Everyone grieves in their own way. Your sister and your family need to butt out and not concern yourselves with how the FI should be memorializing his deceased loved one. I don't mean to sound harsh, I mean to sound very serious because I lost both my grandparents one month apart 7 years ago and I'm still not over it. I'd be PISSED if someone suddenly decided that my grandma and grandpa needed to be present at my wedding without my consent.

AddieCake · July 2014

You having spoken to your SISTER does not change my opinion. Until you have spoken to the GROOM, my answer and thoughts on this remain the same.

Cookie Pusher · July 2014

My DH never met my dad before our wedding either, and I would have been livid had he or someone in his family decided amongst themselves that they knew the best way to honor him. Nope, it's up to your sisters FI how he wants his mother to be honored, not yours or anyone else's.

mrsmagicgeek · July 2014

My sister passed away 5 years ago, a few months before I started dating my FI. I'll be wearing some jewelry of hers (borrowed from my daughter) in remembrance, but as a private acknowledgement (only my daughter and I know). If my FI took it upon himself to do some big remembrance I would be upset, it would be incredibly inappropriate.

ohannabelle · July 2014

My daughter is very privately wearing a piece of her brother's clothing, sewn in a heart shape onto her petticoat. If anyone else, for any reason, decided to do some kind of memorial for my boy, it would shatter me into a million pieces. And then I'd be pissed. Like the cold furies of hell pissed. My son, my grief, my choice. Even the suggestion would be overstepping.

I understand that you and your family are meaning nothing but kindness, and the thought is loving, but there are some areas of the heart, and decisions about, and even suggestions about, that are simply and without exception, off limits to anyone else.

Remembering loved one

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