Best Man Dilema

sa88 · July 2014

So my FI is having groomsmen BM problems, we are in our mid 20's and we do understand that many of our friends arn't where they wish to be financially yet. So we are trying to be accommodating, we are having a destination wedding and paying for the communal suite for both parties. But it seems that isn't enough for the BM who also happens to be the older brother who doesn't have everything together. Its been non stop issues with him.

First he was upset about not being able to invite his new 2 month Girl Friend, we said fine she can come (we are having a small 60 guest wedding).

Second paying for the hotel became an issue (we are offering a place for our party to stay) but he must bring his GF or he wont be in the wedding. Obviously having the gf stay in an all groomsmen room would seem rude on his end and highly inappropriate.

Now paying for a tux has become another issue, being on a budget his mother (who isn't helping us pay for the wedding) wants my FI to rent a tux so they can get "rent 5 get 1 free" when my FI wants to buy his tux or a nice suit for future use.

We decided to just cover all his expenses to be done with that stress. I'm not ok with it since we are both paying 50/50 for this wedding, but what ever.

I'm now worried he won't want to or be able to meet his Best Man duties.

How do we have him step down a grooms men, I understand they are brothers, but my younger sister is also just a Bridesmaid for the same reason being BM or MH are huge responsibilities? I think he just wants the title. Should we ask him to step down or have 2 BM just to give him the satisfaction of wearing a "BestMan hat"

Viczaesar · July 2014

sa88 said:

So my FI is having groomsmen BM problems, we are in our mid 20's and we do understand that many of our friends arn't where they wish to be financially yet. So we are trying to be accommodating, we are having a destination wedding and paying for the communal suite for both parties. But it seems that isn't enough for the BM who also happens to be the older brother who doesn't have everything together. Its been non stop issues with him.

First he was upset about not being able to invite his new 2 month Girl Friend, we said fine she can come (we are having a small 60 guest wedding).

Second paying for the hotel became an issue (we are offering a place for our party to stay) but he must bring his GF or he wont be in the wedding. Obviously having the gf stay in an all groomsmen room would seem rude on his end and highly inappropriate. I don't understand this at all.

Now paying for a tux has become another issue, being on a budget his mother (who isn't helping us pay for the wedding) wants my FI to rent a tux so they can get "rent 5 get 1 free" when my FI wants to buy his tux or a nice suit for future use.

We decided to just cover all his expenses to be done with that stress. I'm not ok with it since we are both paying 50/50 for this wedding, but what ever.

I'm now worried he won't want to or be able to meet his Best Man duties. What duties? The only thing he needs to do is show up wearing the correct attire, and since you're providing the attire that shouldn't be an issue.

How do we have him step down a grooms men, You don't. I understand they are brothers, but my younger sister is also just a Bridesmaid for the same reason being BM or MH are huge responsibilities? They're not! Best Man and Maid of Honor just mean that those are the members of your wedding party to whom you are closest. Nothing more. They have no duties, and neither do the groomsmen and bridesmaids aside from getting the attire and showing up to the wedding. I think he just wants the title. That's all it is, a title. Should we ask him to step down or have 2 BM just to give him the satisfaction of wearing a "BestMan hat" Why would you need to have 2 best men?

perdonami · July 2014

sa88 said:

So my FI is having groomsmen BM problems, we are in our mid 20's and we do understand that many of our friends arn't where they wish to be financially yet. So we are trying to be accommodating, we are having a destination wedding and paying for the communal suite for both parties. But it seems that isn't enough for the BM who also happens to be the older brother who doesn't have everything together. Its been non stop issues with him.

First he was upset about not being able to invite his new 2 month Girl Friend, we said fine she can come (we are having a small 60 guest wedding).

Second paying for the hotel became an issue (we are offering a place for our party to stay) but he must bring his GF or he wont be in the wedding. Obviously having the gf stay in an all groomsmen room would seem rude on his end and highly inappropriate.

Now paying for a tux has become another issue, being on a budget his mother (who isn't helping us pay for the wedding) wants my FI to rent a tux so they can get "rent 5 get 1 free" when my FI wants to buy his tux or a nice suit for future use.

We decided to just cover all his expenses to be done with that stress. I'm not ok with it since we are both paying 50/50 for this wedding, but what ever.

I'm now worried he won't want to or be able to meet his Best Man duties.

How do we have him step down a grooms men, I understand they are brothers, but my younger sister is also just a Bridesmaid for the same reason being BM or MH are huge responsibilities? I think he just wants the title. Should we ask him to step down or have 2 BM just to give him the satisfaction of wearing a "BestMan hat"

I understand that this all must be very frustrating for you both as it seems that you feel he is not being supportive of your marriage and that he may just be going through the motions. I don't know all the details.

But, on an etiquette standpoint, you must invite all SO's. Your BM is right to feel slighted by his SO not extended an invite. Glad that you guys changed your mind on that issue.

Also, about the hotel situation, why are the groomsmen staying in separate quarters? Is it because your FI will be staying there too and you don't want him to see you before the wedding? I'm sure whatever the reason is, you can figure out a situation where everyone can stay over the night without feeling uncomfortable. It was very kind of you to offer to pay for their lodging.

Finally, you can't ask a bridal party member to stand down as it is hurtful and rude. Despite the many reasons you have for feeling that he does not want to really be a part of the wedding, he really doesn't have any duties. His only obligation is to arrive on time and in the outfit you asked him to wear. That's it.

Keep in mind, that if you do ask him to stand down this will cause damage to the relationship between your FI and his older brother. It may not be your place to get involved in these matters and better left to your FI to figure out.

Wedding are only meant to celebrate your union with friends and family so try not to let this bridal party stress get to you. Best of luck to you.

lc07 · July 2014

OP, all guests who are in any kind of relationship, be it one day, one week, one year, or 10 years must be invited with their significant other. It is not for you to judge how serious they are after being together for two months. I'm glad you have decided to invite his significant other. It is above and beyond that you have provided accommodations for members of your bridal party. However, no one is required to take you up on that offer. If your FBIL wants to stay somewhere else with his girlfriend that is perfectly acceptable. Also, I think you may be confused, and these days it seems like it's easy to be confused with the fact that the bridal party and best man and maid or matron of honor are people you are honoring in your life by having them stand with you. Let me say that again. You are honoring THEM. They need not do anything for you other than be respectful, and show up relatively sober and on time on the day of the wedding. There are no other duties since this is not a job but an honor you are bestowing upon them. ETA: I swear I typed paragraphs.

melbenso · July 2014

As PP said, you should invite the SOs of guests, and the guest - not you - defines whether the person they are seeing is their significant other or not. You did the right thing by changing your mind on this one.

That being said, you are not under any obligation to pay for the travel or lodging of a guest's significant other, even if that guest is a member of the wedding party. Your obligation is to host your guests properly at the wedding and reception. If BM's girlfriend cannot afford the flight or a room at the hotel for her (or both of them, if they chose to stay together instead of BM staying with the rest of the groomsmen), it is not your obligation to pay for that, just as it wouldn't be your obligation to pay for any other guest's room. It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect that she will pay for her own lodging. Provide her the same hotel information you are providing to other non-wedding party guests.

It was very generous of you to pay for lodging for the wedding party so that your friends could attend a wedding that might otherwise be unaffordable to them. This doesn't obligate you to pay for anyone else's lodging. If a guest - be it an individual you planned to invite or their significant other - cannot afford to attend your wedding, they can send their regrets and not attend. All you need to do is invite them as etiquette dictates and host them properly if they do attend.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

You should ask your WP how much they are willing to spend on attire before picking bridal party attire. Ask the GM and then pick something everyone, including the BM can afford. If the budget is very small, why not have all the GM in suits. They don't have to match, everyone can wear a dark suit they already own.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

sa88 said:

So my FI is having groomsmen BM problems, we are in our mid 20's and we do understand that many of our friends arn't where they wish to be financially yet. So we are trying to be accommodating, we are having a destination wedding and paying for the communal suite for both parties. But it seems that isn't enough for the BM who also happens to be the older brother who doesn't have everything together. Its been non stop issues with him.

First he was upset about not being able to invite his new 2 month Girl Friend, we said fine she can come (we are having a small 60 guest wedding). If they are in a relationship she should be invited. It's not your call to judge the seriousness of their relationship.

Second paying for the hotel became an issue (we are offering a place for our party to stay) but he must bring his GF or he wont be in the wedding. Obviously having the gf stay in an all groomsmen room would seem rude on his end and highly inappropriate. You've done what you can here in paying for a room. This is up to him and the other GMs. If they're all cool with GF staying there, who cares? If they're not cool with it, BM/GF need to get their own room.

Now paying for a tux has become another issue, being on a budget his mother (who isn't helping us pay for the wedding) wants my FI to rent a tux so they can get "rent 5 get 1 free" when my FI wants to buy his tux or a nice suit for future use. FI's mom has literally zero say in the GMs attire. Like none. at. all. FI should ask each GM their budget and go from there.

We decided to just cover all his expenses to be done with that stress. I'm not ok with it since we are both paying 50/50 for this wedding, but what ever.

I'm now worried he won't want to or be able to meet his Best Man duties. There are no other duties... So that takes care of that "issue".

How do we have him step down a grooms men, I understand they are brothers, but my younger sister is also just a Bridesmaid for the same reason being BM or MH are huge responsibilities? Huh? No, they're not unless you're making it a bigger responsibility than it should be. I think he just wants the title. Should we ask him to step down or have 2 BM just to give him the satisfaction of wearing a "BestMan hat"

First of all, none of this is your problem. This is between your FI and his family.

Secondly, if you've paid for lodging/attire (showing up in the required uniform), there's nothing else for anyone to do. If you're requiring any more out of him, that's bad etiquette on your end.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

Am I the only one who would not be thrilled staying in a communal room with the other wedding party members? What if they don't know each other? Just weird. Do no other wedding party members have SOs? If they do, are those SOs not invited? OP did you even ask your wedding party if staying in a communal room was okay or did you just decide for them?

Your FI needs to ask his GMs budgets before making any decisions regarding attire.

AddieCake · July 2014

Ditto PPs. You're going about this all wrong.

vsgal · July 2014

I am with Maggie on the communal room thing. I would hate, hate, hate to have to share one room with a group of other women. I am very introverted and this kind of thing would freak me the f out. I would pay money and stay in the same room with my H.

Marzipan13 · July 2014

^ Agreed w/ @AddieCake (eta: name)

If you / FI asked your wedding party to be your wedding party because you expected them to "do things" for you (parties, "duties", etc.), then you need to rethink this.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Am I the only one who would not be thrilled staying in a communal room with the other wedding party members? What if they don't know each other? Just weird. Do no other wedding party members have SOs? If they do, are those SOs not invited? OP did you even ask your wedding party if staying in a communal room was okay or did you just decide for them?

Your FI needs to ask his GMs budgets before making any decisions regarding attire.

I would feel like I was back at summer camp, but not in a good way.

emmaaa · July 2014

sa88 said:

So my FI is having groomsmen BM problems, we are in our mid 20's and we do understand that many of our friends arn't where they wish to be financially yet. So we are trying to be accommodating, we are having a destination wedding and paying for the communal suite for both parties. But it seems that isn't enough for the BM who also happens to be the older brother who doesn't have everything together. Its been non stop issues with him.

First he was upset about not being able to invite his new 2 month Girl Friend, we said fine she can come (we are having a small 60 guest wedding). No matter the length of a relationship, anyone in a relationship should be invited with their SO.

Second paying for the hotel became an issue (we are offering a place for our party to stay) but he must bring his GF or he wont be in the wedding. Obviously having the gf stay in an all groomsmen room would seem rude on his end and highly inappropriate.

Now paying for a tux has become another issue, being on a budget his mother (who isn't helping us pay for the wedding) wants my FI to rent a tux so they can get "rent 5 get 1 free" when my FI wants to buy his tux or a nice suit for future use. Can the BM not rent one just like or similar to the one your FI is buying. A black tux is a black tux, there isn't much difference.

We decided to just cover all his expenses to be done with that stress. I'm not ok with it since we are both paying 50/50 for this wedding, but what ever. If it is important to your FI to have his brother in his wedding, then you should support that. It was extremely generous of you to pay his expenses but it is not right to begrudge him or your FI for your having made that decision.

I'm now worried he won't want to or be able to meet his Best Man duties. THERE AREN'T ANY ADDITIONAL DUTIES TO BEING A BM THAN BEING A GM. Please try to understand this. Someone who is in your wedding party should be your nearest and dearest people in your life. They are not required to do anything other than wear the appropriate attire (which it seems like you and your FI have taken care of for him), be on time, be sober (enough), and have a good attitude (or at least fake one). No one in your wedding party, this includes your MOH and BMs and BM and GM, is required to host or come to any pre-wedding events such as showers, engagement parties, or bachelor/ette parties. If someone offers to host one for you, great! They don't have to be the BM or MOH.

How do we have him step down a grooms men, I understand they are brothers, but my younger sister is also just a Bridesmaid for the same reason being BM or MH are huge responsibilities? I think he just wants the title. Should we ask him to step down or have 2 BM just to give him the satisfaction of wearing a "BestMan hat" You can't ask him to step down as BM. That is rude and could alter your FI's relationship with his brother. I also find it concerning that you say your sister is "just" a BM. Like being a BM is a lower level of friendship or importance. SHE IS YOUR SISTER. HE IS HIS BROTHER. Having someone be your Best Man or Maid of Honor is not an extra responsibility but rather having the person most important to you stand next to you. I don't know about you but I love all of my BMs just as much as my MOH. The only difference is my MOH and I have a different bond and friendship. She is my best friend. That doesn't mean the other girls mean any less to me.

Just breath and relax. You FBIL is about to become your family. It was obviously important enough to your FI that he stand up with him when y'all get married. Don't take that away from him.

sarawifenow · July 2014

Sorry, OP but you are in the wrong on this one on so many levels.

SOs (no matter the length) need to be invited.
You can't ask people to step down unless you are willing to sacrifice that relationship. Seeing as this is your FBIL, I would be cautious.
We have two BM in our wedding, but that was decided early on. "Promoting" a GM now would look like you don't value FBIL.
The only "duties" any BP member have are to show up sober and in appropriate attire. That's it.

CTYankeeBride · July 2014

Think about how you felt about your FI two months into their relationship and ask yourself how you would have felt if someone told you it wasn't serious. Maybe it wasn't, maybe it was, but it wasn't anyone else's decision to make for you and it isn't your decision to make for anyone else. Whether it's two weeks or two months, SO's should be invited.

Have the members of your wedding party been consulted about the lodging situation? I understand that it's your money to spend as you please but these are supposed to be your nearest and dearest and they are your guests. Their comfort should come first and I know if you expected me to sleep in a room full of strangers while FI slept elsewhere I would be less than pleased.

Your FMIL's tux request isn't an issue. She isn't paying for the tuxes, or any of the wedding, so she really doesn't get a say. You handle this by saying "that's a great idea, but FI is really planning on purchasing his tux/ suit for future use. Have you tried this bean dip?"

He is "required" to show up at the ceremony at the time you tell him to, in attire that is appropriate for the occasion (you get to choose said attire only after you have consulted him about his budget) and that is it.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

sa88 said:

So my FI is having groomsmen BM problems, we are in our mid 20's and we do understand that many of our friends arn't where they wish to be financially yet. So we are trying to be accommodating, we are having a destination wedding and paying for the communal suite for both parties. But it seems that isn't enough for the BM who also happens to be the older brother who doesn't have everything together. Its been non stop issues with him.

First he was upset about not being able to invite his new 2 month Girl Friend, we said fine she can come (we are having a small 60 guest wedding). I'd be pissed at my own brother too for his suggesting I travel to a DW without my SO. The amount of time they have been dating is irrelevant. You and your FI are not the arbiter of the significance of their relationship.

Second paying for the hotel became an issue (we are offering a place for our party to stay) but he must bring his GF or he wont be in the wedding. Obviously having the gf stay in an all groomsmen room would seem rude on his end and highly inappropriate. Yeah, as a woman I would not want to stay in a hotel room or suite with a bunch of other guys, especially guys I didn't know. What about the other groomsmen, though? Do they have SO's? Because if so then you need to invite their SO's to the wedding.

Now paying for a tux has become another issue, being on a budget his mother (who isn't helping us pay for the wedding) wants my FI to rent a tux so they can get "rent 5 get 1 free" when my FI wants to buy his tux or a nice suit for future use. This is kind of a sticky situation, but if I were your FI, having my brother attend my wedding would be more important to me than getting to use a "free tux/suit purchase" on myself. Did you guys even talk to your wedding party members privately about budget before picking out what they were going to need to buy/rent to wear?

We decided to just cover all his expenses to be done with that stress. I'm not ok with it since we are both paying 50/50 for this wedding, but what ever.

I'm now worried he won't want to or be able to meet his Best Man duties. Huh? The only duties are to show up to your ceremony on time, dressed and sober.

How do we have him step down a grooms men, I understand they are brothers, but my younger sister is also just a Bridesmaid for the same reason being BM or MH are huge responsibilities? I think he just wants the title. Should we ask him to step down or have 2 BM just to give him the satisfaction of wearing a "BestMan hat" Wow, you and your FI are both real gems. Your FI would actually consider demoting his own brother, which is a huge insult and slap in the face and typically causes irreparable harm to the relationship, because you both think his brother can't fulfill some "duties"? What the hell duties or responsibilities do you guys think your wedding party members have to fulfill?

Oh, throwing you showers and bachlorette/bachelor parties? The wedding industry has misled you. Those things are gifts to you, that can be offered up by anyone, not just people in your WP. And you should never expect to get a shower or any pre-wedding party.

All wedding party members are responsible for, no matter what their title is, is to show up to your ceremony on time, sober and dressed, and walk down the aisle and stand/sit with you. That's it.

I think you and your FI really need to manage your expectations and stop acting so entitled and spoiled.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Am I the only one who would not be thrilled staying in a communal room with the other wedding party members? What if they don't know each other? Just weird. Do no other wedding party members have SOs? If they do, are those SOs not invited? OP did you even ask your wedding party if staying in a communal room was okay or did you just decide for them?

Your FI needs to ask his GMs budgets before making any decisions regarding attire.

Newp. There's Norfolk & Weigh I would be sharing a room with multiple men, especially men I didn't necessarily know.

I wouldn't want to share a room with multiple women either, unless there were multiple bathrooms and separate bedrooms. It's too much of a logistical pain in the ass. However, if my room was being paid for, I'd make it work.

mimivac · July 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Am I the only one who would not be thrilled staying in a communal room with the other wedding party members? What if they don't know each other? Just weird. Do no other wedding party members have SOs? If they do, are those SOs not invited? OP did you even ask your wedding party if staying in a communal room was okay or did you just decide for them?

Your FI needs to ask his GMs budgets before making any decisions regarding attire.

I don't quite understand this either. All the GM are staying in the same room, and their SO's are staying in separate rooms? Or maybe this is a room you rented so all the GM can get ready together?

climbingsingle · July 2014

Wow. There's so much wrong with this.

OP, you're really handling this all wrong. Does the rest of your wedding party have SOs? If so, they should all be invited.

There's no such thing as Best Man duties. Your FI should have asked him his budget first before picking out attire. And removing his as best man is going to seriously damage your and your FI's relationship with him.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

"Norfolk & Weigh" Cute, @PrettyGirlLost‌

photokitty · July 2014

I would be thrilled about a communal room if I was single. I would happily share a room with 3 other ladies that I were either my friends or friends of my close friend bc I am CHEAP, yo!

I would not be ok with being forced to stay in it. But if the B&G generously offered to pay for a room for me and the other WP ladies to shared I would think it was awesome.

Especially at a DW that I had to pay airfare to get there.

But that's just me. But I had to say I would be thrilled at the offer.

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

Am I the only one who would not be thrilled staying in a communal room with the other wedding party members? What if they don't know each other? Just weird. Do no other wedding party members have SOs? If they do, are those SOs not invited? OP did you even ask your wedding party if staying in a communal room was okay or did you just decide for them?

Your FI needs to ask his GMs budgets before making any decisions regarding attire.

Newp. There's Norfolk & Weigh I would be sharing a room with multiple men, especially men I didn't necessarily know.

I wouldn't want to share a room with multiple women either, unless there were multiple bathrooms and separate bedrooms. It's too much of a logistical pain in the ass. However, if my room was being paid for, I'd make it work.

This is the key point. Beggers can't be choosers. The bride and groom are being extremely accommodating in paying for the hotel room for their wedding party. I didn't get the impression they were forcing them, just that they were doing it to make the wedding party's life easier. But that doesn't mean the bride and groom have to pay for individual rooms for everyone either.

Now if someone wants to bring their SO, and they don't want to stay in the communal hotel room, that is up to them. But then they have to pay for their own lodging.

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