NWR: Memorial Service Etiquette

Fairyjen1 · July 2014

This isn't wedding related. There isn't a memorial service board that I could find though so I thought I'd ask here.

My Fiance's father passed away unexpectedly this morning. They live in another state. We are flying out today or tomorrow to help his mom with arrangements. I am good in these sorts of situations as far as keeping a level head and taking care of things. Fiance and I will help his mom arrange the funeral service. I've been to many, but have never had to help put one together.

I know we are supposed to provide refreshment afterwards. Do we call a caterer? Grocery store deli trays? Potluck? I have no idea what to do and the etiquette involved. Obviously we don't know when it will be yet, but I suspect in these cases things move quickly. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice of things I should think of to help. Fortunately FI has a brother who lives by his parents and he's with FMIL now. I'm willing to do anything (I'm ready to hop on a plane now, but FI wants to wait), I just don't know WHAT to do.

Mostly I'm just trying to keep busy and think of everything I can do to make things easier. I really liked my FFIL and my heart is broken for my FI and his mom.

AprilH81 · July 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you are receiving guests after the service light refreshments are all that is required in my mind. If you have a the funds for a caterer that would probably be the easiest, but fruit/veggie trays, chips and dips and cookies would be fine.

In my experience these receptions are to express condolances, spend a little time visiting with the family and then moving on. I wouldn't think you would need to provide something resembling a full meal.

CA.Giraffe · July 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mom passed away last month, and this same issue presented a problem for us. It's pretty standard here to host a get-together after the service at one's home, but my dad's house wasn't available and my brother and I both live a couple hours away. In the end, my dad hosted a huge dinner at a restaurant the night before and invited everyone who traveled. It was a lot of fun, actually. He also asked the funeral home if we could use another room for lunch after the services, and it wasn't a problem. He catered that meal.

mysticl · July 2014

Fairyjen1 said:

This isn't wedding related. There isn't a memorial service board that I could find though so I thought I'd ask here.

My Fiance's father passed away unexpectedly this morning. They live in another state. We are flying out today or tomorrow to help his mom with arrangements. I am good in these sorts of situations as far as keeping a level head and taking care of things. Fiance and I will help his mom arrange the funeral service. I've been to many, but have never had to help put one together.

I know we are supposed to provide refreshment afterwards. Do we call a caterer? Grocery store deli trays? Potluck? I have no idea what to do and the etiquette involved. Obviously we don't know when it will be yet, but I suspect in these cases things move quickly. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice of things I should think of to help. Fortunately FI has a brother who lives by his parents and he's with FMIL now. I'm willing to do anything (I'm ready to hop on a plane now, but FI wants to wait), I just don't know WHAT to do.

Mostly I'm just trying to keep busy and think of everything I can do to make things easier. I really liked my FFIL and my heart is broken for my FI and his mom.

This depends a lot on the family and the community. When my BIL died, sis called a caterer. Some people go the deli tray route. Some communities start cooking and you will see a never ending flow of food for days. When you get there talk to FMIL about what she would like to do. If they belonged to a church there may be a bereavement committee that helps with these kinds of things.

I know you want to do something. Here's what you do. Be there.

climbingsingle · July 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss.

If you can afford a caterer, I'd go that route. That's probably easiest. But I don't think you don't have to put out a huge meal. Light snacks should be fine.

After my cousin's son's funeral this year, we all went to a nearby restaurant.

lyndausvi · July 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As far as receiving guests at least in my family it's done in the church basement or another hall because there are so many of us. Sometimes they are more elaborate and held at a country club. The last one I attended was typical of ones I attended my whole life. They often have a caterer provide lunch meats, rolls and various salads.

.

Ours also have alcohol, but as I've mentioned my family is the reason stereotypes about Irish-Catholics exist. We believe in celebrating live, not mourn death.

I had an unmarried childless aunt who saved money for her wake. When she hit her 80's she gave access to the account to one of her nieces. Her funeral reception was the fun event she always wanted.

In the islands the receptions were also big functions with lots of food. Those were mostly catered by family and friends. Lots and lots of food.

I've also attend a few receptions that were in a family home. Often light meals with sandwich trays and various salads.

This various often from family to family. Maybe you can get in touch with someone in the extended family to see what is typically done in their family.

rsbloom · July 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Be there for your FI and his family and ask them what you could do, everyone grieves in different ways, and it seems like your FI needs time to process this before flying out. Your FIs family will most likely already be making arrangements, just support your FI in anything he needs.

But E is dependent on what religion they practice, if any, and what the community is like. My family is Catholic and we have a rosary the night before the funeral mass. For the rosary we provided light snacks, water bottles, lots of kleenex, and rosaries. For the funeral mass and reception, we had programs with information about the deceased, and provided lunch in the church hall afterwards. We also put announcements in the local news paper and Church bulletin naming the times and location of the events.

tammym1001 · July 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. We have had to arrange a couple of funerals. Some are held in someone's home with immediate family cooking a bunch of food. Some have been catered events. The last funeral, the funeral home had a small hall attached and a caterer that they worked with. Perhaps you can see what the funeral home or church has available once you get out there.

daria24 · July 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. Where I grew up, typically there is a luncheon after the funeral at a local restaurant. They usually will either set up a sandwich/salad buffet, or have a limited menu (like 3-5 entrees) for mourners to choose from.

Many of the local churches also offer an option to provide a luncheon-a group of church volunteers prepare the food and serve it family style.

I have been two one or two luncheons held at the family home, they just put out deli/veggie/fruit platters.

Don't worry about self-catering. All the options I mentioned above are very inexpensive, usually $8-12 per person, and they only need a very rough idea of the number of people. For H's Grandmother's funeral, my ILs greatly underestimated the number of people coming. The restaurant just took a little bit of time to make some more sandwiches.

You could always ask the funeral director for recommendations. Where I grew up, there was one restaurant close to the military cemetery, they were very accustomed to funeral luncheons.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. Will the service be held at a church? Most churches I know have a ministry where they provide food for occasions like this. When my uncle passed away, they provided more food than I ever imagined! Obviously you don't want to point blank ask the church for this, but it may be provided anyway.

CMGragain · July 2014

The funeral director will help you co-ordinate this. If the services will be held in a church, the priest or minister will let you know what is needed. You do not need to worry about this.
I am sorry for your loss.

KeptInStitches · July 2014

You've gotten a lot of help so far, so I'll just add that you, your FI, and his family are in my thoughts.

mysticl · July 2014

CMGragain said:

The funeral director will help you co-ordinate this. If the services will be held in a church, the priest or minister will let you know what is needed. You do not need to worry about this.
I am sorry for your loss.

I've never known a funeral director to be involved in the plans for after the funeral was over. They walk you through the actual funeral and handle all the details of that part but what you do once it is over is on the family.

emmyg65 · July 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. There are several options, many of which PP have mentioned. Here's some of what we did in our family:

My grandfather's memorial was in a church and the reception after was in the church basement. There were sandwich trays, potato salad, chips, etc. from the grocery store.

My great-uncle and great-aunt's memorial service was in a restaurant. My mom rented a room and arranged for a simplified lunch menu (choice of two salads, choice of two entrees).

My grandmother's memorial service was in a rented hall. My mom got sandwich trays and cookies from a local bakery.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

When my grampa died last month, trays upon trays of food were delivered to my gramma's house from friends and church aquaintences. We (the at least 20 family members) didn't have to worry about feeding ourselves for the entire time we were in town... casseroles and cookies just kept appearing as we kept eating. We all took turns making other purchases; beer, vodka, tequila, eggs, and bacon. The post funeral lunch was hosted by the church; sandwiches, cakes, and lemonade.

Plan on doing all you can to help your FI and his family, but don't forget to do your own mourning. It was interesting for me to see my FH in this time of family sadness, he was just as sad as the rest of us and for the rest of us.

photokitty · July 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I didn't read all the response, so sorry if this is repetitious.

At my church there is a "funeral ministry" and they provide the refreshment after the service. You might ant to see if your IL's church, assuming they attend one, offers this. Almost every funeral I have ever been to the food was either provided by volunteers at the church or friends of the family coordinating. People often step up and offer to help the food when there is death in the family.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

mysticl said:

CMGragain said:

The funeral director will help you co-ordinate this. If the services will be held in a church, the priest or minister will let you know what is needed. You do not need to worry about this.
I am sorry for your loss.

I've never known a funeral director to be involved in the plans for after the funeral was over. They walk you through the actual funeral and handle all the details of that part but what you do once it is over is on the family.

It depends on the church. When my grandfather passed away, the funeral coordinator at our church asked if we'd like to have food provided by the bereavement ministry.

mysticl · July 2014

sarahbear31 said:

CMGragain said:

The funeral director will help you co-ordinate this. If the services will be held in a church, the priest or minister will let you know what is needed. You do not need to worry about this.
I am sorry for your loss.

I've never known a funeral director to be involved in the plans for after the funeral was over. They walk you through the actual funeral and handle all the details of that part but what you do once it is over is on the family.
It depends on the church. When my grandfather passed away, the funeral coordinator at our church asked if we'd like to have food provided by the bereavement ministry.

When I see funeral director I think of the person who works for the funeral home. Not someone who works for a church.

Fairyjen1 · July 2014

Thanks for the responses everyone. It has put my mind at ease a bit. His brother, mom and a cousin they are close to are going to the funeral home tomorrow so I'll know more then.

I don't think funds are a problem so we'll probably look into caterers. FILs are active in their church and FI suspects we will be able to use the hall for some sort of reception.

Fi talked to his mom a bit ago. She wants to do a graveside service just family and close friends and then a day or two later do the memorial at their church. I think for now I'll just plan on lunch at a restaurant after the burial and his brother is going to talk with the church to see what they usually do. I'm thinking they may know appropriate caterers.

His brother did say that the food is rolling in from neighbors already so that's good. I just hope he can get her to eat some.

Thanks again. You guys have helped me get it into perspective and I can think more clearly now.

tammym1001 · July 2014

mysticl said:

sarahbear31 said:

CMGragain said:

The funeral director will help you co-ordinate this. If the services will be held in a church, the priest or minister will let you know what is needed. You do not need to worry about this.
I am sorry for your loss.

I've never known a funeral director to be involved in the plans for after the funeral was over. They walk you through the actual funeral and handle all the details of that part but what you do once it is over is on the family.
It depends on the church. When my grandfather passed away, the funeral coordinator at our church asked if we'd like to have food provided by the bereavement ministry.

When I see funeral director I think of the person who works for the funeral home. Not someone who works for a church.

STIB:

For DH's uncle's funeral, the funeral director helped the family arrange this. They actually have a small hall attached to the funeral home and a caterer that they use. It's not something I've seen a lot of though.

Jen4948 · July 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss.

You probably don't have to host a huge meal, but providing some light refreshments, like sandwiches, cookies, etc. with water, coffee, tea, and perhaps soda ought to do. It kind of depends on what's done in your family and community.

CMGragain · July 2014

The funeral director arranged the luncheon for my mother's funeral in October. We were all from out of town, and the nearby church was busy with another local funeral. They made all the arrangements for us at a convenient restaurant/buffet. I paid for the food, but was not charged by the funeral director for making the arrangements. Mother wasn't religious, anyway, so this worked out well for us. We had a private room reserved for us at the restaurant, and the grandchildren sang and played guitar. (Two of them are professional entertainers.) It was lovely.
Generally at my own church in Colorado, a committee takes over and provides food.

mysticl · July 2014

CMGragain said:

The funeral director arranged the luncheon for my mother's funeral in October. We were all from out of town, and the nearby church was busy with another local funeral. They made all the arrangements for us at a convenient restaurant/buffet. I paid for the food, but was not charged by the funeral director for making the arrangements. Mother wasn't religious, anyway, so this worked out well for us. We had a private room reserved for us at the restaurant, and the grandchildren sang and played guitar. (Two of them are professional entertainers.) It was lovely.
Generally at my own church in Colorado, a committee takes over and provides food.

Well that was very nice. However, of all the funerals I have been a part of at different funeral homes the funeral director did not handle anything outside of the funeral. Someone in the family took care of the arrangements.

IrishPirate60 · July 2014

So clearly the best advice is: check to see what is the local custom! A good friend of mine is from Boston (and we live in WA). When her mother died, she went back for the funeral and described the "mercy meal" that was customary after the funeral. Quite common back East, unheard of in the NW. Best part of her story? Apparently riding in the limo is required when one goes from the funeral home to the church. So at one family funeral, they all piled into several limos, the limo drove around the block, and deposited them at the church that was right across the street. Traditions. Gotta love them.

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