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MIL + Rehearsal/Grooms Dinner nightmare

suburbanstepmomsuburbanstepmom member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

My future MIL has so graciously offered to throw us a rehearsal dinner the day before our wedding. I am so very appreciative of this, however we are butting heads about a day-before "Gap."

Due to some other obligations our Pastor is only available to meet with us to do a proper rehearsal at the church at Noon the day before the wedding. I have no problems with this. My thought was once we are done with the rehearsal we could then do a late lunch "rehearsal dinner" Or just call it a "grooms dinner;" I don't know the difference.

Anyway, MIL made up invitations to the rehearsal dinner portion of the day since she is - again, so super sweet - hosting it. However, She put 5pm on the invitations for the dinner. Now I am worried because our rehearsal at the church will take, maybe, an hour. I have people in the wedding party traveling across town. What are they going to do between 1 o'clock and 5 when the dinner starts??? Her thought is that they could go home, pickup their families & kids, and then come back for the rehearsal dinner, but I personally feel like it's very rude to ask someone to drive 30+ miles for a rehearsal, then 30+miles home, and then 30+ miles back to our location for dinner, and THEN BACK to their home again. I seem to be the only one who sees a problem with this though.

Please be honest - am I being crazy, or is this really a problem??

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Re: MIL + Rehearsal/Grooms Dinner nightmare

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    MissMaeisbeforeJune said:

    My future MIL has so graciously offered to throw us a rehearsal dinner the day before our wedding. I am so very appreciative of this, however we are butting heads about a day-before "Gap."

    Due to some other obligations our Pastor is only available to meet with us to do a proper rehearsal at the church at Noon the day before the wedding. I have no problems with this. My thought was once we are done with the rehearsal we could then do a late lunch "rehearsal dinner" Or just call it a "grooms dinner;" I don't know the difference.

    Anyway, MIL made up invitations to the rehearsal dinner portion of the day since she is - again, so super sweet - hosting it. However, She put 5pm on the invitations for the dinner. Now I am worried because our rehearsal at the church will take, maybe, an hour. I have people in the wedding party traveling across town. What are they going to do between 1 o'clock and 5 when the dinner starts??? Her thought is that they could go home, pickup their families & kids, and then come back for the rehearsal dinner, but I personally feel like it's very rude to ask someone to drive 30+ miles for a rehearsal, then 30+miles home, and then 30+ miles back to our location for dinner, and THEN BACK to their home again. I seem to be the only one who sees a problem with this though.

    Please be honest - am I being crazy, or is this really a problem??

    You are not crazy.  Your FMIL is being rude.

    Have you told her why you think a gap is unacceptable?
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
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    MobKaz said:
    It's a problem. Having the rehearsal at noon in and of itself poses a problem for anyone that works that day. But then to expect the participants to make the potential of two 60 MILE trips is absurd. Thank your MIL profusely for her generous offer. Then politely inform her that you will be hosting a rehearsal luncheon to show your gratitude and respect to your wedding party. By asking your wedding party to follow your MIL's suggestion, you run the real risk of having some of your party decline attendance altogether.

    ***SITDB***

    Yeah, what about work? I can't imagine asking my party to take a PTO day to attend my rehearsal. Is is possible to have the rehearsal the evening prior (like Thurs. night) and then have the RD after?

    What about having the RD at 5pm and the rehearsal at like 8pm? 



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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I'd do what you can to move the rehearsal time. When our pastor wanted our rehearsal to be late we pushed back. IMO, having it at noon is really unreasonable.
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  • jneen101jneen101 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Because our venue could only do a rehearsal with us tonight or tomorrow at 3 pm (we get married Saturday!!!!!) we decided that was too inconvenient for everyone so my fiance and I are going over there tonight to get a quick run down of what we need to know and we are filling everyone else in at the "rehearsal" dinner on Friday which is really just a welcome dinner to say thank you to everyone and just have a relaxing night.  So, you don't really NEED  a rehearsal but could still have a dinner if his parents want to have one.  I didn't want to tell his parents no since they wanted to contribute so we are just having a dinner and no one has to take off from work.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    PDKH said:
    So is your rehearsal on a work day? If so, honestly, I think expecting people to show up at noon is a little rude as well. Is there any way you can just rehearse with you, FI, and your family? The wedding party's job is stupidly easy and doesn't really need rehearsing. 
    This is where I am too. Of course a gap is rude, but expecting people to take time off from work isn't very accommodating either. 

    OP - do you really need a rehearsal? If not, I think you just your FMIL host the dinner and call it a day.
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  • bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
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    You really do not need a rehearsal. I also am confused how it is rude that there is a "gap" between the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. You should not make it mandatory for you guests to come to the rehearsal and your problem is now solved. If the bridal party chooses to come to the rehearsal instead of just the dinner that is not rude. The MIL is also not rude because she is hosting the dinner and can choose whatever time she wants. If you make the rehearsal mandatory you do need t host a lunch but if it is not mandatory then your bridal party can wait until the actually rehearsal dinner at 5.
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    edited July 2014
    jneen101 said:
    Because our venue could only do a rehearsal with us tonight or tomorrow at 3 pm (we get married Saturday!!!!!) we decided that was too inconvenient for everyone so my fiance and I are going over there tonight to get a quick run down of what we need to know and we are filling everyone else in at the "rehearsal" dinner on Friday which is really just a welcome dinner to say thank you to everyone and just have a relaxing night.  So, you don't really NEED  a rehearsal but could still have a dinner if his parents want to have one.  I didn't want to tell his parents no since they wanted to contribute so we are just having a dinner and no one has to take off from work.
    I like this idea.  Noon, especially on a work day, might be inconvenient for other reasons.  Could you, your FI, and maybe one or two bridal party members meet to do the rehearsal and then have more of a "coaching session" with the rest of your party later in the evening?  You could do this at 4:30 with dinner at 5:00, or following dinner, or maybe even during dinner if there aren't a lot of non-participating guests.

    If not, I agree with PPs that you should decline MIL's dinner and have lunch immediately following rehearsal. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    It's nice to know you're not crazy, right?
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    PDKH said:
    So is your rehearsal on a work day? If so, honestly, I think expecting people to show up at noon is a little rude as well. Is there any way you can just rehearse with you, FI, and your family? The wedding party's job is stupidly easy and doesn't really need rehearsing. 

    Stuck in box!

    Ditto.  I'd be annoyed if I had to rehearse at noon and eat at 5. 
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  • suburbanstepmomsuburbanstepmom member
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    PDKH said:
    So is your rehearsal on a work day?

    The rehearsal is on a workday, yes. I asked each individual in our wedding party if it was more convenient for them to do Thursday evening (after working hours) or Friday at Noon and the consensus was Friday at Noon - with the understanding that I do not need or expect 100% attendance. So long as the majority is there they can lead the others.

    @adk19 - yes, it's very good to know I am not crazy.

    I have finally received a response from MIL and it sounds like we are moving up the "dinner" to be more of a "lunch" so that it immediately follows the rehearsal. I was not trying to be a picky bridezilla in this situation but I just wanted to make sure that everyone had the opportunity to attend both events (if they wanted to) with little inconvenience. :)


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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
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    MissMaeisbeforeJune said:
    PDKH said:
    So is your rehearsal on a work day?

    The rehearsal is on a workday, yes. I asked each individual in our wedding party if it was more convenient for them to do Thursday evening (after working hours) or Friday at Noon and the consensus was Friday at Noon - with the understanding that I do not need or expect 100% attendance. So long as the majority is there they can lead the others.

    @adk19 - yes, it's very good to know I am not crazy.

    I have finally received a response from MIL and it sounds like we are moving up the "dinner" to be more of a "lunch" so that it immediately follows the rehearsal. I was not trying to be a picky bridezilla in this situation but I just wanted to make sure that everyone had the opportunity to attend both events (if they wanted to) with little inconvenience. :)


    Is there a reason why you can't have a run through without your BP on Friday night? You can meet with the pastor, then you can give them the general directions. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    RebeccaFlower said:


    MissMaeisbeforeJune said:


    PDKH said:

    So is your rehearsal on a work day?



    The rehearsal is on a workday, yes. I asked each
    individual in our wedding party if it was more convenient for them to do
    Thursday evening (after working hours) or Friday at Noon and the consensus was
    Friday at Noon - with the understanding that I do not need or expect 100% attendance.
    So long as the majority is there they can lead the others.

    @adk19 - yes, it's very good to know I am not crazy.

    I have finally received a response from MIL and it sounds like we are moving up the "dinner" to be more of a "lunch" so that it immediately follows the rehearsal. I was not trying to be a picky bridezilla in this situation but I just wanted to make sure that everyone had the opportunity to attend both events (if they wanted to) with little inconvenience. :)



    Is there a reason why you can't have a run through without your BP on Friday night? You can meet with the pastor, then you can give them the general directions. 

    It's not rocket surgery. . .you line up here, you take turns walking down the aisle, then you stand here, then the bide walks down the aisle. . .


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • mysticlmysticl member
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    bananasplit472001 said:
    You really do not need a rehearsal. I also am confused how it is rude that there is a "gap" between the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. You should not make it mandatory for you guests to come to the rehearsal and your problem is now solved. If the bridal party chooses to come to the rehearsal instead of just the dinner that is not rude. The MIL is also not rude because she is hosting the dinner and can choose whatever time she wants. If you make the rehearsal mandatory you do need t host a lunch but if it is not mandatory then your bridal party can wait until the actually rehearsal dinner at 5.
    It is rude because you hold a rehearsal dinner to thank people for coming to your rehearsal.  They should not have to hang out for hours after attending the rehearsal waiting for dinner.  It's the same thing as having a gap between the wedding and the reception.  Attendance is never mandatory for any wedding related event unless you are one of the people getting married.  The officiant is also mandatory (usually) for the actual ceremony. 
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    @prettygirllost Love the "It's not rocket surgery."
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    Why don't you just have the in Church rehearsal be just you and your fi at noon. You can then run it through with the WP 30 minutes before the dinner your FMIL is hosting. It doesn't really matter if it is in the church, it could be in your back garden. Just mark out where the aisle will be, where they should stand in relation to each other and the order. Adults can figure it out.

    This way, you don't have to battle FMIL and your WP doesn't have to take an extra holiday day.
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  • suburbanstepmomsuburbanstepmom member
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    edited July 2014

    Love all the ideas. Unfortunately we aren't able to hold the rehearsal later than noon due to our pastor's prior commitments. So that's the latest we can meet there.

    We were hoping to be able to be at the actual church for the rehearsa,l and do a the decorating for the following day before or after the rehearsal. I'd like to just say that I am not trying to inconvenience my BP or make anything mandatory. I asked everyone if/when they could make it and they all said they would be there at noon Friday. So that's what we are going with. The rehearsal itself isn't really my issue it’s just the thought of dinner or some "thank you" for them coming to the rehearsal being five hours later. That's all.

    It's seemed to all work out though (hopefully). Thanks again for everyone’s input :)

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  • auriannaaurianna member
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    MissMaeisbeforeJune said:

    Love all the ideas. Unfortunately we aren't able to hold the rehearsal later than noon due to our pastor's prior commitments. So that's the latest we can meet there.

    We were hoping to be able to be at the actual church for the rehearsa,l and do a the decorating for the following day before or after the rehearsal. I'd like to just say that I am not trying to inconvenience my BP or make anything mandatory. I asked everyone if/when they could make it and they all said they would be there at noon Friday. So that's what we are going with. The rehearsal itself isn't really my issue it’s just the thought of dinner or some "thank you" for them coming to the rehearsal being five hours later. That's all.

    It's seemed to all work out though (hopefully). Thanks again for everyone’s input :)


    The point everyone is trying to make is it doesn't matter what the pastor's schedule is. Just you and FI and anyone else involved in the wedding that doesn't work / was already planning on being off that day could attend the rehearsal with the pastor. Then, that night, when peeps are off work, the rest of you could fill them in on what they missed.
    You could still have the rehearsal at noon, as planned, but your friends wouldn't have to take off work to attend it.

    As far as the decorating goes... did your BP offer to help you do this? If they did not specifically offer to help you do this, you and your FI, along with anyone else who may have offered, need to do this yourselves. Having to take off work is inconvenient enough... but doing it only to then perform manual labor? No way.

    You say everyone is ok with it, and I hope that's the case. But it's very possible they are just being nice because they don't want to upset you, and in reality they'd really prefer not to have to take off work to rehearse (and decorate, apparently).
    Perhaps between Thursday night and noon on Friday were their only options, they'd prefer noon on Friday. But maybe if a new option is "An informal rehearsal at the restaurant before dinner," that's what they'd prefer.

    You know your friends way better than I do. But maybe stop and think about if you're perhaps putting them out and if they're just being too nice and wonderful to say anything about it.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    banana468 said:
    I'd do what you can to move the rehearsal time. When our pastor wanted our rehearsal to be late we pushed back. IMO, having it at noon is really unreasonable.
    Unrelated to EVERYTHING. I see your sig when you post every now and again and I just cannot get over how gorgeous you are, particularly on your wedding day. You rock!

    Now back to your regularly scheduled programming....

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