Bridesmaid lied about inability to afford attending bachelorette party...

alizardo1 · July 2014

Hello everyone!

I have a MOH and 4 bridesmaids, and one of my BM just told me that she can't afford to attend my bachelorette getaway this October. Granted, she just got married last month, and I understand that she is recovering from the expenses. We have budgeted $300-$500 for a girls' casual weekend getaway, so I understood that it's necessary to do some saving. Nonetheless, imagine my disappointment when I go online and I see her posting on Facebook that she's in Disneyland. I'm extremely disappointed that she could afford to go to Disneyland but she can't make an effort (or even sacrifice) to save and attend my bachelorette. We've been best friends for over 10 years, so I just can't understand why she would lie to me. Let's also take into account that I spent nearly $700 attending her out of town wedding and being a bridesmaid as well. I don't mean to make this all about money, but this really bothers me. Should I confront her about it or just let it go? Your advice is appreciated!

GBCK · July 2014

alizardo1 said:

Hello everyone!
I have a MOH and 4 bridesmaids, and one of my BM just told me that she can't afford to attend my bachelorette getaway this October. Granted, she just got married last month, and I understand that she is recovering from the expenses. We have budgeted $300-$500 for a girls' casual weekend getaway, so I understood that it's necessary to do some saving. Nonetheless, imagine my disappointment when I go online and I see her posting on Facebook that she's in Disneyland. I'm extremely disappointed that she could afford to go to Disneyland but she can't make an effort (or even sacrifice) to save and attend my bachelorette. We've been best friends for over 10 years, so I just can't understand why she would lie to me. Let's also take into account that I spent nearly $700 attending her out of town wedding and being a bridesmaid as well. I don't mean to make this all about money, but this really bothers me. Should I confront her about it or just let it go? Your advice is appreciated!

You let this go. You look at your post again, feel embarassed at writing it, and never speak to your friend about it.

You are friends, but how she spends her money is NOT your business.
Saying "I can't afford it" means "I cannot OR do not choose to spend my money that way".
It does not mean "Even if I eat cat food and sleep on a park bench, I don't have the cash"--it means that she doesn't choose to spend her money in the way and that was the reason she gave--you don't get to pry into the depths of what math she has done in her life to afford things.
(FWIW, I'm going to Disney this fall, because the trip is a gift. Even if it weren't a gift, I might conceivably choose to spend my money to go to disney for the trip I WANT to take than to spend it on a weekend getaway that I may not want. The reasons I might make that choice are myriad and have to do with a lot more than just cash)

How you choose to spend YOUR money has nothing to do with how she chooses to spend hers. (and if you are going to use the way you spent your money as a bludgeoning weapon in a battle with your friend, you were better off not choosing to spend it that way.)

You have the right to be disappointed she isn't coming to your weekend. And that's it.

FiancB · July 2014

I actually went through something kind of similar with my bff almost not attending my wedding. She told me she wouldn't be able to afford it, then I was similarly put out by pictures of her on a big trip to Yosemite.

I ended up paying for her plane ticket as I just couldn't imagine not having her there. She got here a few days before and told me about what had happened- for starters, her Pell grant had been rescinded due to an error on her dad's part, and then she was not awarded a scholarship that she felt sure she would get and was relying on, and she bought a lemon of a car. And I'm pretty sure her boyfriend paid for her trip to Yosemite.

So I felt like an asshole for being so quick to judge. She did indeed have good reason to be in a panic about money. And even though I got her ticket, she did miss out on days she could've been at work so it was still a sacrifice for her that I appreciate very much.

So anyway be glad it's just your bacehlorette and not your wedding.

steph861 · July 2014

Is it possible that she booked this trip before she knew about the girls' weekend getaway? If so, it would simply be a matter of having already committed funds to the Disneyland trip. If that's the case, then I don't necessarily think she misled you.

Would you feel less hurt if she had told you upfront that she couldn't afford it because she'd already paid for a trip to Disneyland and therefore wouldn't have enough money left over for the bachelorette weekend?

jneen101 · July 2014

alizardo1 said:

Should I confront her about it or just let it go? Your advice is appreciated!

OMG I can just imagine this conversation. Please, please do not confront her about her decision to take a trip. Everyone has priorities and for her, she would rather go to Disney (with her family? significant other? whoever) than spend that money on a bachelorette party. Of course you think your bachelorette party is more important, but she doesn't. That's her choice. I am sure that in the long list of alllll the things you could spend your money on, some things are more important than others.

NavyBlue143 · July 2014

Yeah, you don't know the circumstances of her trip to Disney or her finances in general, and they aren't your business. You can be disappointed she can't come, sure, but you don't get to dictate how and where she spends her money and time off. My husband and I are going to Ireland for two weeks in December. It's going to eat up all of my PTO for the year. Also, it takes up all of our trip budget for the year. It would probably look bad if I said I could not afford a $500 trip but then went to Ireland. But this trip was booked and paid for 2 months ago. And given the choice between someone else's (rather pricey) bachelorette or two weeks in Ireland, I choose Ireland. You friend chose Disney.

Maybe your friend has had this trip in the works for awhile. Maybe someone paid for her to go. Maybe she just picked up and went on a whim. It doesn't matter, because she gets to decide how she spends her time and money.

thejucheidea · July 2014

Yeah, you're kind of a bitch. Just sayin'.

JasperandOpal · July 2014

I second (or third or fourth) not confronting her because there is honestly nothing to confront. I am not saying you aren't allowed to feel hurt, everyone is "allowed" their emotions but in this case your friend has done nothing wrong.

As others have stated, you do not know the circumstances surrounding the trip to Disney. She could have bought the ticket earlier, she could have been gifted it, $100 for Disneyland does not mean that if she didn't go to she would have the $300-$500 you require for your bach party.

Even if she does have the money, its a judgment call she is allowed to make. When I say to my friends "sorry I don't have money to go out tonight" it doesn't necessarily mean I don't have the $25 for a movie and popcorn. I might have that money sitting in my wallet as I tell my friends I can't afford the event. What it means is I have assessed my finances, which are private and none of their business, and have made a determination that this $25 should be spent elsewhere. The fact that I then use that $25 to go out to dinner with my younger sister doesn't make my first statement a lie. I determined that, if I wanted to go out to dinner with my sister, I could not afford to go out to the movies with my friend.

It is disappointing when people can't attend but that is all it is, disappointing. If you really want her there and you can afford it, offer to pay for her to go. Otherwise, let this one go.

And a final note, how you use your finances does not in any way determine how she can use hers. It is awesome that you spent $700 to attend her wedding, but that doesn't obligate her to do the same or similar for yours. So erase that from your mind and stop trying to balance a friendship like you do your checkbook.

Viczaesar · July 2014

alizardo1 said:

Hello everyone!
I have a MOH and 4 bridesmaids, and one of my BM just told me that she can't afford to attend my bachelorette getaway this October. Granted, she just got married last month, and I understand that she is recovering from the expenses. We have budgeted $300-$500 for a girls' casual weekend getaway, so I understood that it's necessary to do some saving. Nonetheless, imagine my disappointment when I go online and I see her posting on Facebook that she's in Disneyland. I'm extremely disappointed that she could afford to go to Disneyland but she can't make an effort (or even sacrifice) to save and attend my bachelorette. We've been best friends for over 10 years, so I just can't understand why she would lie to me. Let's also take into account that I spent nearly $700 attending her out of town wedding and being a bridesmaid as well. I don't mean to make this all about money, but this really bothers me. Should I confront her about it or just let it go? Your advice is appreciated!

She didn't lie to you. She's on a trip to Disneyland. It has absolutely no bearing on your destination bachelorette party in 4 months. Let it go.

Heffalump · July 2014

Frankly, I couldn't afford $500 for a bach party even assuming the money is sitting in my account and I haven't budgeted it for anything else. Because I think that's a ridiculous amount to ask people to spend on a BP.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Being that bridesmaid who couldn't afford to go on a destination bachelorette party but then was questioned recently how I could afford the family vacation the week before and afford all the other trips that FI were taking, the bride never once thought that maybe that family vacation had been paid a year in advance, or that FI and I had found great Groupon deals months prior.

It was an extremely sucky conversation to have with the bride who thought I should just whip out the credit card and go for the bachelorette weekend because she would do it if it were me. I also found it to be very judgmental that she thought she knew my financial situation better then I did. Don't be that bride.

0Face · July 2014

Man, I feel crazy thinking that $140/person was expensive for the bachelorette party I threw. *phew*

GBCK · July 2014

I know, O (although, to be fair, my bach. party moved to my apartment because the bar we were going to BURNT DOWN the night before. hm. I should find the penis hat for my sister's. It had a pull string tha tmade the penis move)

I've already dropped $400 on airfare for the one I have this fall...another $300 will be on housing. WTF?

NOLABridesmaid · July 2014

I find it weird to expect people that aren't local to come to your BP, esp if they're coming to your wedding. It's nice if they want to, but it shouldn't be expected.

ashley8918 · July 2014

Wow. That is a crazy expensive bach. party. I have asked my man of honor to insure that mine costs less than $100 pp. And even that sounds like almost too much to me.

sarahufl · July 2014

I have no problem with people having lavish B-parties. I would just hope that I wouldn't be judged for declining one. If you and your friends are happy dropping a grand to celebrate, do it to it.

I am going to one in September that will probably cost me $600-$700 and I am really pumped to go. Luckily, I can afford it. But the planners of it are being completely transparent about the cost and if I had declined, they would have said nothing.

I am doing a party the Thursday before my wedding at a local salon. Total cost? Probably less than $50 per person. I think at least one person can't afford to come. Am I judging her for that? Not a chance. That 50 bucks is hers to do with what she pleases.

speakeasy14 · July 2014

alizardo1 said:

Hello everyone!
I have a MOH and 4 bridesmaids, and one of my BM just told me that she can't afford to attend my bachelorette getaway this October. Granted, she just got married last month, and I understand that she is recovering from the expenses. We have budgeted $300-$500 for a girls' casual weekend getaway, so I understood that it's necessary to do some saving. Nonetheless, imagine my disappointment when I go online and I see her posting on Facebook that she's in Disneyland. I'm extremely disappointed that she could afford to go to Disneyland but she can't make an effort (or even sacrifice) to save and attend my bachelorette. We've been best friends for over 10 years, so I just can't understand why she would lie to me. Let's also take into account that I spent nearly $700 attending her out of town wedding and being a bridesmaid as well. I don't mean to make this all about money, but this really bothers me. Should I confront her about it or just let it go? Your advice is appreciated!

To the bolded - You say she just was married and is currently in Disney... is this her honeymoon!?!? Even if it is not her honeymoon, how she chooses to spend her money is her decision only.

Personally, I have ended friendships with girls who expected me to go out of my budget and go into debt just for their "special days" (yes days because they thought every wedding event was all about them and nothing else mattered). I have also spent tons of money on friends, because I wanted to, and in no way expect them to ever spend that much on me. If you want her to remain your friend then do not be offended that she has other priorities in her life. For all you know that trip was a gift, or was budgeted out well before any mention of your bachelorette party (a lot of people book Disney trips a year in advance).

A bacherlorette party is supposed to be a time to spend time with your girls. If she cannot afford this weekend getaway, then just arrange a girl's day for just the two of you.

mocarski002 · July 2014

As a bride who has 2 bridesmaids who can’t make her bachelorette or shower (same weekend) I feel your same disappointment. One works for a college and work in athletics and its one of the first weekends of the semester. The other is going to be starting a new job soon and won’t have much PTO if any. You just have to move on. My sister when she got married had 2 of her bridesmaids who couldn’t make it either. It happens. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

casey8784 · July 2014

3 of my 5 bridesmaids currently live at least 8 hours away from me. One of the 2 that are in state travels 3 weeks out of the month for work. I obviously included them all on the lists for the shower and bachelorette (along with other out of state friends that are invited to the wedding too) but I will actually be surprised if most of them can make it. Am I disappointed that most probably won't? Of course! But am I going to be a b*tch about it? No! Cause I know life happens and not everyone is made of job, especially in this day and economy. And anyway, I know that I will get to see them at my wedding, which I feel is the most important of the events for them to come to!!!

lc07 · July 2014

OP, I understand that you wish one of your best friends was going to be at your bachelorette. I really, truly get that. But please try not to judge your friend for this. There could be a million (good) reasons, like some of the PPs have pointed out as to why she is not attending your bachelorette party.

I'm going through a rough time in life right now. And I am not attending my BFFs bachelorette party. It would cost me about $1,000. I COULD afford it. But I'm not going. I hired a housekeeper today and it will cost me a minimum of $2,400 over the next year. Not an absolute necessity. I could have saved that money and spent less than half of it on my friend's party. But I'm not going to. But you know what, it's what I need to be healthy and keep my shit together right now. I can see how someone else might view that as a splurge, though.

Please love and trust your friends that they are making choices that they need to make for their own lives.

ETA: I am also going through a divorce. And there were times over the past year that I took trips with my husband to "get away from it all" in hopes that we could fix things. That was my absolute priority in life. My friends didn't know about it. Really, please, just stop judging your friend.

mrsmorales2be · July 2014

1. Wow, that's a hugely expensive bachelorette party. Even if I had the available funds, I seriously doubt I would shell out that much cash, just because that's a huge chunk out of savings.

2. Your BM is not obligated to attend, and you have no right to confront her if she says she can't come. Her job is to stand up with you at the wedding, which, assuming you handle this properly, she'll still be willing to do.

3. You don't know her financial situation. Saying she lied to you about her situation, which is none of your business anyway, comes off as incredibly judgmental.

4. How you should handle this, IMHO:

Recognize that you're in the wrong here

Never, EVER bring this up to her.

Tell her that you understand that she can't make it, and that you will miss her.

Schedule something fun, and reasonably priced, for the two of you to do together, just for fun.

Get over it. Period.

hyechica81 · July 2014

for my batch party dinner was dutch but everyone chipped in for my meal. then it was another 5 bucks to get into the country bar for line dancing i had a few shots and a drink total cost per person for my batch party was around 35 that included dinner app water/soda at the restaurant, the cover charge for the club a few shots and some beers

i could never see spending 500 for a weekend getaway to expensive.

kebebb · July 2014

Obviously my MOH and BM are doing things wrong. $300-$500 for a party, per person? DAMN.

Honestly, it's not your business how your friend chooses to spend her money. Her priorities are different than yours. Your BP is hugely important to you, but it's probably not top priority in her world.

slothiegal · July 2014

alizardo1 said:

Hello everyone!
I have a MOH and 4 bridesmaids, and one of my BM just told me that she can't afford to attend my bachelorette getaway this October. Granted, she just got married last month, and I understand that she is recovering from the expenses. We have budgeted $300-$500 for a girls' casual weekend getaway, so I understood that it's necessary to do some saving. Nonetheless, imagine my disappointment when I go online and I see her posting on Facebook that she's in Disneyland. I'm extremely disappointed that she could afford to go to Disneyland but she can't make an effort (or even sacrifice) to save and attend my bachelorette. We've been best friends for over 10 years, so I just can't understand why she would lie to me. Let's also take into account that I spent nearly $700 attending her out of town wedding and being a bridesmaid as well. I don't mean to make this all about money, but this really bothers me. Should I confront her about it or just let it go? Your advice is appreciated!

SIB

Let's not. Keeping score is a reeeeally quick way to build resentments in relationships.

MegEn1 · July 2014

Most of my bridesmaids likely won't attend my bachelorette party because they're out of state. (Assuming they agree to be my BMs since I haven't asked yet). I'm planning on asking them, if possible, to come in a day early so we can spend that Thursday night out together (my treat). They'd be coming a long way for me and I want to make sure I get to see and spend time with them.

That said, if you asked me to drop $500 or something for a party, on top of all the wedding expenses ... noooooope. Mama's got student loans, a honeymoon, a grandmother out of state, is saving for a house, and lots of other things that are none of your business.

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