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Moms and Maids

FSIL Is Spotlight Hungry

My FSIL, who is four years younger than my fiancé an I, has gotten, in my opinion out of control already with the wedding… and we are well over a year away! First of all, on the night my fiancé proposed, she posted a "fake proposal" picture of herself on Facebook and Instagram just hours beforehand, featuring a guy friend posing as her fiancé and ring made out of foil. It kind of blew the surprise for me, and made me kind of sad because it was like a joke, and I didn't want my engagement made a joke out of, which wouldn't have been an issue if I could have announced it myself on a different day, which leads me to the next issue… She took the liberty of announcing our engagement to everyone on Facebook the same night. It wasn't mean or nasty, but it wasn't worded in a way that was especially tasteful (like saying that HE is going to make ME the happiest girl in the world, but failing to mention that I might make him happy, too). I guess this issue is especially sensitive because, sadly, my grandmother ended up passing away on the same evening we got engaged. Because she broke the news without asking me first, the word got around and I had a lot of family finding out the exciting news in the days prior (or even some of them AT) the funeral. I would have really loved to wait until after the services were over and a few days had passed to announce it, and in my own way. I know my FSIL didn't know about my grandmother, so she can't be held responsible for all of that, but on the other hand, I feel like this was a case of she should have just let us announce the joyous news ourselves out of respect. Now, whenever people are asking me about any details (dress, flowers, etc), she just can't stop from making it about her! If I show someone a picture of a gown I'd like to try on, she pulls out her phone and shows them her favorite wedding dress pics and then she will post it to Instagram with a caption "The most beautiful gown in the world! It will be mine!" She's not getting married, she's not engaged or in a serious relationship, so why act like she's planning a wedding too? Oh, and she full on asked me if she was a bridesmaid. It's not a big deal, because I was going to ask her anyway, but I had planned to ask all the girls about 10 months prior to the big day, so I felt kind of pushed. I explained to her that I'll be formally asking the bridesmaids at some point in the near future, but that, of course, she would be one of the girls I asked. I don't know if that was the right answer, but I was kind of put on the spot. Based on her behavior, it just seems like she can't handle the attention not all being on her. This is no surprise, I've known her for years, and that's very consistent with her personality. But now that I'm a bride, there are some moments that I kind of want for myself or for my fiancé and I alone (not trying to sound selfish). Does anyone have any ideas on how to tame this spotlight-craving FSIL? I would love to include her on wedding plans and pre-wedding events, but I don't want her putting on a show starring herself.

Re: FSIL Is Spotlight Hungry

  • edited July 2014
    First, the part that affects you the most - you cannot wait until 10 months out to ask the bridesmaids, it is not enough time to order dresses or, if needed, make travel/work plans.
    Other than that, you are dealing with a big baby who really is an attention seeker.  Treat her like the child she is, and don't invite her into any wedding talk.  If the subject comes up and she is around, be non-committal, and change the subject.  Expect her to be difficult about the bridesmaid dress.  She will definitely go for one that a)you don't like and b) will be outside the budget for the other ladies.  Then expect her to complain about her dress the entire time.  When all this happens, you can either let it roll off your back or sit her down and let her know how you feel.  Either way, she is who she is and probably won't change.  
    Even more important than all of the above, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you will keep your grandmother close to your heart as you walk down the aisle.
  • First, the part that affects you the most - you cannot wait until 10 months out to ask the bridesmaids, it is not enough time to order dresses or, if needed, make travel/work plans.
    Other than that, you are dealing with a big baby who really is an attention seeker.  Treat her like the child she is, and don't invite her into any wedding talk.  If the subject comes up and she is around, be non-committal, and change the subject.  Expect her to be difficult about the bridesmaid dress.  She will definitely go for one that a)you don't like and b) will be outside the budget for the other ladies.  Then expect her to complain about her dress the entire time.  When all this happens, you can either let it roll off your back or sit her down and let her know how you feel.  Either way, she is who she is and probably won't change.  
    Even more important than all of the above, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you will keep your grandmother close to your heart as you walk down the aisle.
    Incorrect. 9-12 months out is a perfect time to ask bridesmaids.

    OP, just be polite. Don't talk about the wedding around her more than necessary. Ask her (and every bridesmaid) what her budget is for a dress and either pick one or pick a color. Relay that information to her and then drop the subject, as that is the full extent of what she needs to know. If she acts like a brat, then she'll be the one to look bad as long as you're not making it worse.
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    KeptInStitchessouthernbelle0915Viczaesar
  • I think you avoid wedding talk with her at all costs and inform her of as few wedding details as possible when she asks (e.g. "we're not sure yet" "good idea, we haven't gotten there  yet" etc.). If you think someone will share wedding details with her that you don't want her to know, then you avoid wedding talk with those people also.

    She sounds incredibly immature. I hope for the sake of your ongoing relationship with her that she grows up. In the meantime and if she doesn't, you just need to come up with ways to cope with her. Usually with people like this, it's limiting exposure and providing as little personal information as possible.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd do two things:

    1) Limit what you tell her about the wedding to the absolutely necessary.  Also limit what she can learn from anyone else to the absolutely necessary.  If others are likely to share gossip with her about the wedding that she's likely to use in ways you don't want her to, don't share it with them either.
    2) Have a come-to-Deity with her, together with your FI and perhaps their parents.  Let her know that it bothers you that she announced the engagement on Facebook the way she did and why, and that going forward you are not willing to share with her more than you absolutely have to.  
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My FSIL, who is four years younger than my fiancé an I, has gotten, in my opinion out of control already with the wedding… and we are well over a year away! First of all, on the night my fiancé proposed, she posted a "fake proposal" picture of herself on Facebook and Instagram just hours beforehand, featuring a guy friend posing as her fiancé and ring made out of foil. It kind of blew the surprise for me, and made me kind of sad because it was like a joke, and I didn't want my engagement made a joke out of, which wouldn't have been an issue if I could have announced it myself on a different day, which leads me to the next issue… She took the liberty of announcing our engagement to everyone on Facebook the same night. It wasn't mean or nasty, but it wasn't worded in a way that was especially tasteful (like saying that HE is going to make ME the happiest girl in the world, but failing to mention that I might make him happy, too). I guess this issue is especially sensitive because, sadly, my grandmother ended up passing away on the same evening we got engaged. Because she broke the news without asking me first, the word got around and I had a lot of family finding out the exciting news in the days prior (or even some of them AT) the funeral. I would have really loved to wait until after the services were over and a few days had passed to announce it, and in my own way. I know my FSIL didn't know about my grandmother, so she can't be held responsible for all of that, but on the other hand, I feel like this was a case of she should have just let us announce the joyous news ourselves out of respect. Now, whenever people are asking me about any details (dress, flowers, etc), she just can't stop from making it about her! If I show someone a picture of a gown I'd like to try on, she pulls out her phone and shows them her favorite wedding dress pics and then she will post it to Instagram with a caption "The most beautiful gown in the world! It will be mine!" She's not getting married, she's not engaged or in a serious relationship, so why act like she's planning a wedding too? Oh, and she full on asked me if she was a bridesmaid. It's not a big deal, because I was going to ask her anyway, but I had planned to ask all the girls about 10 months prior to the big day, so I felt kind of pushed. I explained to her that I'll be formally asking the bridesmaids at some point in the near future, but that, of course, she would be one of the girls I asked. I don't know if that was the right answer, but I was kind of put on the spot. Based on her behavior, it just seems like she can't handle the attention not all being on her. This is no surprise, I've known her for years, and that's very consistent with her personality. But now that I'm a bride, there are some moments that I kind of want for myself or for my fiancé and I alone (not trying to sound selfish). Does anyone have any ideas on how to tame this spotlight-craving FSIL? I would love to include her on wedding plans and pre-wedding events, but I don't want her putting on a show starring herself.

    All of your FSIL's actions are making herself look bad.  So you don't need to do anything to make yourself look like the bigger person.  Going forward, keep wedding talk to a minimum.  Give vague answers or just change the subject. 

    Try to let go of her engagement announcement on fb.  Many people do this to others.  Just recently, my friend had a baby.  She texted those close to her, but since I saw no announcement on fb, I didn't post anything.  But later a cousin and IL posted pics of the baby.  There isn't much you can do when this sort of thing happens.  Mom & Dad didn't officially post on the baby til the next day.  This is just the age of social media.  But I also think that your FI should ask FSIL to keep the wedding talk off fb.  Even if your FI tells her its so that other people's feelings aren't hurt when they end up not invited.  He doesn't need to yell or go into details as to why, but if he just asks directly, that should do.  If she doesn't listen, then a more stern converstation needs to happen.

    As for the BM dress, I would probably just pick the dress yourself and tell the BMs what it is (after making sure its in everyones budget).  If you give her a color, she will probably buy something super short or not appropriate for a wedding.  So maybe go dress shopping with a few maids and then give her the store, style number, and color.

     

    southernbelle0915
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2014
    How old is your FSIL? She sounds immature, but very excited about your wedding.
    Since she has bad timing and a big mouth, you should put her on the 'last to know anything' list. She can't share information she doesn't have. Be prepared for when she catches you off guard with her questions. Have few all purpose answers - 'As soon as I decide, I'll let you know,' 'Thank you for you suggestions,' and my favorite ' Why do you ask?' Don't let her put you on the spot.
                       
  • First, the part that affects you the most - you cannot wait until 10 months out to ask the bridesmaids, it is not enough time to order dresses or, if needed, make travel/work plans.
    Other than that, you are dealing with a big baby who really is an attention seeker.  Treat her like the child she is, and don't invite her into any wedding talk.  If the subject comes up and she is around, be non-committal, and change the subject.  Expect her to be difficult about the bridesmaid dress.  She will definitely go for one that a)you don't like and b) will be outside the budget for the other ladies.  Then expect her to complain about her dress the entire time.  When all this happens, you can either let it roll off your back or sit her down and let her know how you feel.  Either way, she is who she is and probably won't change.  
    Even more important than all of the above, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you will keep your grandmother close to your heart as you walk down the aisle.
    Yes it is.  My entire engagement was 6 months. MOH was basically asked right away, the bridesmaids were asked about 3 or 4 months out.  There were no issues with ordering the dresses (including my wedding gown) or any of them being able to attend.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Pick your battles. And just focus on the fact that you are marrying the love of your life.
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